The Dick Apology | Mental Poo

Sunday, December 02, 2007

The Dick Apology

As mentioned in this post, I received an evil hatemail.

This resulted in a vicious post...which I spent the better part of a day working on.

And right after I hit 'PUBLISH'...I get...



So now I'm all like, 'fuck I can't post this now' but then again 'Jesus this guy really was a fucking prick' but 'now I feel kinda bad for him but he made his bed so now he should have to sleep in the wet spot' but it is kinda sad and he sounds really fucked up but goddamn I love the post and still want to do it.

So I sent him a reply to his apology.

As such, in the defense of Rich (the asshole who ripped me) and me (the asshole who ripped him back), here is the correspondence that followed the writing of that post.


First, the apology:

From: Rich Sands

My apologies.

Obviously, I'm insane, but that aside, there's some things going on in my life that of course have nothing to do with you, and I let off way too much steam on you.

Truthfully, I can't imagine why your ad rejection tripped my switch so hard, except that your site is pretty good. I don't just drop cards randomly, and I actually thought someone with your sensibilities might like my work.

Anyway, it doesn't matter if you accept my apology or not, I'm sorry anyway.

Don't kill your family and then yourself for the holidays, OK? That would certainly fuck me up when I read about it in the papers.

If you absolutely must, start with yourself.

Again, sorry for being a random, angry, dick on the internet.


Um..okay...I'm still not sure with the 'start with yourself' part of that...but okay.

My reply:

To: Rich Sands

Dude. You have the worst. Timing. Ever.

I'll explain that in a minute.

I also fear you're badly bipolar and may need some type of help. To go from:

Subject: You are a dick
"...Hey fuckface..Why don't you read a little and learn something about being funny. That you're a short, premature ejaculating, junk shaving, serial shitting, little loser, does not make you funny. It makes you encourage your pathetic ass so maybe you wouldn't take your own life. Thanks for saving me the trouble, you fucking dick sucker! Kill your family, then
kill yourself."

"My apologies...your site is pretty good...someone with your sensibilities might like my work..." just, you know...OFF.

I would suggest some type of medication if you're not on it already.

That being said...let's talk about the timing.

I spent the entire day going back and forth on whether or not to rip you a new one publicly on my blog. So much so, in fact, that I put it to my fans and followers on whether or not I should let this die (just termed it 'person sent me hate mail') or tear your throat out. The masses wanted blood.

As such, an entire post - set to debut on December 14th - is dedicated to just that. Tearing. You. Apart. This includes, but is not limited to, your writing where I needed to 'learn something about being funny.' At the tail end of this post, I include the link to your website...which, by the way, shows your PHONE number, your facebook and Twitter account.

Now...I'm usually willing to let bygones be bygones...but you went WAY overboard on this one, Rich.

Line. Crossed. Totally.

Why tell you this and not just ignore your apology?

ALL of this being said, I'm not sure if this apology is true...or is just a reaction from my Twitter (as you know I know follow you) tweets or Facebook updates out of fear. If it is sincere, then I accept your apology.


My post is fucking brilliant. I would have stood back and admired it but I need glasses and I can't see the tiny words on the screen from that far away. If this post was a chick I would totally fuck it. If it looked back and said, "I'm SO out of your league, little man," I would totally slip this post roofies and then fuck it while it was unconscious. I might even do bum stuff to it.

It's that hot.'s what I'm willing to do.

I will post the attack, as planned, on December 14th.

You will get traffic. If your blog is as good as you think it is, some of these will recognize it and they'll stick.

You will get angry people. This might not be good.

You might want to pull your phone number from your site for, like, a week or so.

BUT - I will include the apology at the end as an 'Update' - which, hopefully, will stay some of the people willing to kill for me (I know of at least 2, and my mother can be a wicked bitch). Trust me - this is a LOT of people. I have (insert narcissitic bragging of how many readers/followers/twitterers/FB friends/pets/people in my building, etc).
That's a mountain load of shit you'll get.

Just a warning.

But, if I post the apology and yank your contact info, it makes us both look not so dickish. Not that I care about myself, per se...

That's my deal.

If you accept it, then I'll pull the contact info and tone down the ending.

If not, it stays as-is.

My apologies.

Rod (Dick)


That was it.

He replied back to me about his family and life being all fucked up and shit, but in the end said he understood.

I feel like a parent punishing his kid for bad behavior...but it is what it is.

You step up and say shit like that, you better be ready for the shitstorm that follows.

Whatever - sincere or not, the guy apologized. So I suppose it's okay to give him props before ripping him to shreds.

I'm nice like that.

Moog out.

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