Crazy Monkey Sex | Mental Poo

Monday, June 16, 2008

Crazy Monkey Sex


I’m trying to figure out what I just saw.

This weekend, we took our kids to a zoo in Maine.

Maine’s State Motto:


Where Cousins Come to F*ck

Anyway…

As we walked through the zoo, we stopped at one of the baboon displays.

Daughter:
“Hey! Look at his bum!”

Nice going you stupid zoo people.

You couldn’t cover that with a f*cking towel or something?

In her defense, it WAS a nice monkey ass.

Blue, with a little tinge of red.

(Kind of like how mine was after I woke up that one morning after blacking out in college)


Anyway…

Me: “Watch this when he opens his mouth. His teeth are HUGE.”

We waited.

We waited for the stupid blue-ass monkey to open his f*cking monkey-mouth.

He didn’t.


No..No…

What he decided to do INSTEAD was to wander down off of his branch...

...and simply start f*cking the little girl baboon RIGHT in front of us.

Baboon:
Ah-Gadoosh!! Ah-Gadoosh!! You like that, eh?! You like it?!”

Me: OKAY kids…let’s keep-a-movin!!”

I really wasn’t prepared to have a discussion in the middle of York’s Wild Kingdom about what the monkeys were doing…

…and why he felt the need to pull her hair and smack her ass while he was railing her.

Great.

Now I want to be a monkey.


Regardless…

…we kept on walking until we reached the Spider Monkey cage.

Me: “Look kids, a spider monkey!”

Son: "Why is it called a Spider Monkey?"

Me: "Well...he was bitten by a radioactive spider, and can shoot webs from his wrists. He also dates Kirsten Dunst."

*pause*

Wife: "You see? This is why I don't want to take you anywhere."

Fine.


Anyway...

There, in front of us, sat a Spider Monkey about 2 feet tall…

…his head buried in between his legs.

Wife: “What the Hell is he doing?”

*blink*

Me: “I…um….I….”

Then he popped his head up.

Woman behind me: “ooooohhh…”

That tiny little f*cking chimp had a SIX INCH monkey dick.

Stiff as a board, that monkey dick was....

…and as dark as Wesley Snipes in an unlit basement.


And there I was…

…marveling in the fact that a 15 pound monkey had a bigger penis than me.

F*CKER.

He looked at us…

…pawed at his enormous monkey schlong…

…then bent down and started giving himself a monkey blowjob.

Yep.

He was sucking his own primate penis.


Son: “What’s he doing, daddy?”

Oh COME ON!

Seriously.

WHAT THE F*CK IS UP WITH THE MONKEYS IN THIS ZOO?!?!?!?

My wife looked at me.

Wife: “Don’t you wish you could do that?

*blink*

Me: “Christ honey...I’d never leave the f*cking house.”

Yeah, guys....like YOU would.

21 comments:

Malicious Intent said...

Shouldn't they have like movie ratings at certain animal exhibits? Like monkeys get a PG-13 or even R, X?
Lizards & fish get a G rating. Stuff like that.

You would think they could at least warn the parents before takign kids into a primate f'fest!

mauniejames3 said...

So funny....we would take our boys up to York in the summer also..I think they kept all the same monkeys....

catscratch diva said...

That totally give me a bad visual now when I think HOT MONKEY SEX....

ewww.

Mike said...

If I understand Darwin correctly, then looking at that picture of the monkey giving himself a bj, then it is pretty safe to assume that we didn't evolve from monkeys.

Chances are we are going to evolve into monkeys though.

Becky..AMHW said...

You mean they didn't just eat their own vomit and throw their own poo? You were actually ENTERTAINED by monkeys and you're complaining? Ungrateful little toad...you didn't even have to tip them!

rs27 said...

This is why monkey's are one step AHEAD on the evolutionary scale from humans

GorillaSushi said...

Wait, you wouldn't leave the house if you could give a spider monkey a blow-job?

moooooog35 said...

MI: Good Idea with the rating system. I'd call Marlin Perkins to get it in gear, but he's dead.

Maunie: York is the only place where you can see taffy and monkey dicks being pulled in the same park.

Catscratch: sorry lady...you should know what you get when you come here by now.

Mike: If these pills I ordered from my email start working, I should be a dick-sucking monkey in no time.

Becky: When a monkey gets more ass than I do, I'm more pissed than entertained.

RS27: Possible. This would also explain why I can no longer oppose my thumb. Oh..wait...nevermind...it's because I'm holding my wiggly.

Gorilla: Correct. Why...would you?

Nutjobber said...

You Asked for it...

Mike said...

Dont' worry dood.

Scientists say that animals with smaller dicks have less to worry about infidelity among their whore women.

Obviously, monkey girls are even more whorish than say, paris hilton, if that's possible.

Basically what I'm saying is, your wife won't fuck a monkey.

Probably.

C.Rag said...

That monkey just does yoga.
If doing yoga didn't cause a man to lose their sense of manhood while doing yoga & if it didn't take years to master, than that monkey could be you.

HeyJoe said...

Where do you find these pictures? No seriously, though I'm not asking for any particular reason or anything.

Gladyslexic said...

great post. funny as hell.

wait...are you saying that if you guys can give yourselves bj's, you'd do it???

boys are weird.

moooooog35 said...

Nutjob: Thanks, man. Excellent skewing. On a side note, you're off my Christmas card list.

Mike: Good to know. But, what about the UPS guy in the gorilla outfit?

C.Rag: The only way I'd do Yoga is if it was a woman named Yoga and she was passed out.

HeyJoe: Google. Really...what's weird is that I googled a picture I needed, and when I clicked on it..my own site came up. I believe I've created some sort of vacuum.

Gladyslexic: Not only would I do it, but I'd film it so other guys could learn the trade.

Mimzie Beaumont said...

That picture of the monkey sucking his own balls is now my screen saver. I thank you though my employer does not.

AngryMan said...

The moral of the story is to never take the kids anywhere again.

GeologyJoe said...

You could probably have seen the same thing up at OOB for less money.

Go Maine!

Malach the Merciless said...

Everyman can dream . .

GorillaSushi said...

To get more chapstick and Chloraseptic I guess?

moooooog35 said...

Mimzie: You're welcome. Tell Helga in HR I said, "hi." She'll know who I am.

Angry: Exactly. This is why God invented closet space and kibble.

GeoJoe: Money is no object when you get to see live monkey porn.

Malach: Thanks for not painting a clearer picture of your dream.

Gorilla: NICE. Is the chapstick for the lips..or for the growing penile callouses?

angel said...

so next timeyou're not going to go and see the monkeys...?

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