I’m trying to figure out what I just saw.
This weekend, we took our kids to a zoo in Maine.
Maine’s State Motto:
“Where Cousins Come to F*ck”
As we walked through the zoo, we stopped at one of the baboon displays.
Daughter: “Hey! Look at his bum!”
Nice going you stupid zoo people.
You couldn’t cover that with a f*cking towel or something?
In her defense, it WAS a nice monkey ass.
Blue, with a little tinge of red.
(Kind of like how mine was after I woke up that one morning after blacking out in college)
Me: “Watch this when he opens his mouth. His teeth are HUGE.”
We waited for the stupid blue-ass monkey to open his f*cking monkey-mouth.
What he decided to do INSTEAD was to wander down off of his branch...
...and simply start f*cking the little girl baboon RIGHT in front of us.
Baboon: “Ah-Gadoosh!! Ah-Gadoosh!! You like that, eh?! You like it?!”
Me: “OKAY kids…let’s keep-a-movin!!”
I really wasn’t prepared to have a discussion in the middle of York’s Wild Kingdom about what the monkeys were doing…
…and why he felt the need to pull her hair and smack her ass while he was railing her.
Now I want to be a monkey.
…we kept on walking until we reached the Spider Monkey cage.
Me: “Look kids, a spider monkey!”
Son: "Why is it called a Spider Monkey?"
Me: "Well...he was bitten by a radioactive spider, and can shoot webs from his wrists. He also dates Kirsten Dunst."
Wife: "You see? This is why I don't want to take you anywhere."
There, in front of us, sat a Spider Monkey about 2 feet tall…
…his head buried in between his legs.
Wife: “What the Hell is he doing?”
Then he popped his head up.
Woman behind me: “ooooohhh…”
That tiny little f*cking chimp had a SIX INCH monkey dick.
Stiff as a board, that monkey dick was....
…and as dark as Wesley Snipes in an unlit basement.
And there I was…
…marveling in the fact that a 15 pound monkey had a bigger penis than me.
He looked at us…
…pawed at his enormous monkey schlong…
…then bent down and started giving himself a monkey blowjob.
He was sucking his own primate penis.
Son: “What’s he doing, daddy?”
Oh COME ON!
WHAT THE F*CK IS UP WITH THE MONKEYS IN THIS ZOO?!?!?!?
My wife looked at me.
Wife: “Don’t you wish you could do that?”
Me: “Christ honey...I’d never leave the f*cking house.”
Yeah, guys....like YOU would.