Can I Pay for this Free Shit with these Stupid Coins? | Mental Poo

Monday, July 27, 2009

Can I Pay for this Free Shit with these Stupid Coins?


I'm not sure why anyone would want to just give it away.

Let me explain.

When you're in a fucking car for 20 hours going all over the goddamn Northeast of the United States for 'vacation'...

...you realize something.

You typically run out of shit to talk about with your wife within the first, like, 10 minutes.

Unless you're talking about shit like:

"Do you want to just take off running and leave the kids in the hotel with a return address?"

"Hey..is this a zit?"

"OMG WHAT IS THAT SMELL?! Did you fart? It smells like death!"

(yes)

"Do we even NEED to leave a return address with the kids? I mean, it's not like we're going back there. FLOOR IT!!"

That kind of stuff.


Unless, you're crossing into the Canadian border.

As you're crossing into the Canadian border...

(Canadian Motto: We have great big giant fucking coins instead of nice, thin, paper dollar bills that actually make fucking sense to carry so I hope you are going to be wearing something with seventeen goddamn deep fucking pockets you stupid American! Oh...Hockey is great! Poutine!)


...you come across...

..this:

The Duty Free shop.


This prompted this exchange:

Wife: "What's 'duty free' mean?"

Now, let me preface this next part with the fact that I know almost everything.

Seriously, I'm really fucking smart.

I tell myself this every day.

Someone has to.

On a related note:

I cry sometimes.


But, to be honest, I wasn't sure what 'duty free' actually meant.

All I really know about 'duty free' is what I learned from the song Kramer sings in Seinfeld.

Mmmm...Elaine.

Seriously...shave off the sharp edges of her lower jaw and she is, like, unstoppably hot.

But, Jesus...that fucking jawbone could cut glass.

I think that Julia Louise Dreyfus' husband has cuts on his inner thighs from blowjobs.

I'm going to ask her that question.

As soon as they lift the restraining order.

Helpful stalking tip: Hedges provide almost NO cover for you during the fall months.

You're welcome.


Where was I?

Oh.

Duty Free.

This question prompted this exchange:

Wife: "What's 'duty free' mean?"

Me: "I think it means you don't have to pay taxes or something on it."

* pause

Wife: "Maybe you just can't take a shit in their bathrooms."

Ah.

As in:

This place is DOODIE free.

Nice.


Me: "..or maybe they just give away free samples of poop."

As in:

Come in and get doodie...FREE!

Doodie Free.

And if that's the case, I'm totally outta here before they do the 'but wait, there's more' part.

I'm just pissed that it's free poop.

I was looking forward to getting rid of these stupid fucking two dollar coins.

Fucking Canadians.

19 comments:

The Peach Tart said...

"I think that Julia Louise Dreyfus' husband has cuts on his inner thighs from blowjobs"

that cracked me up

Mike said...

As a canadian, you have no idea how much these stoopid fucking coins irk me.

Especially because when you're on stage with the french canadian strippers, you can't wad up a twonie and hold it in your mouth.

Now it costs 5 fucking dollars for one of those stupid skanks to motoboat your face with their fake stripper tits.

Fuck.

Don said...

George Carlin said, " Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they stale bread to begin with?" I'm with you on the fucking coins. Just call a pocketful "poontang" and fuck it all.

Becky..AMHW said...

I'm craving poutine.

Narm said...

How are you supposed to put loonies and toonies in stripper's underwear? Their entire system is fundamentally flawed.

kathcom said...

Oh, god. I never would have believed I'd need Seinfeld for Dummies, but what is the song about Elaine?

Did I miss something?

PS- Her jaw is like the cowcatcher on the front of a train.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Ah, but inner thigh cuts have never been more worth it, eh?

Collette said...

So the paper currency starts with the $5 bill? That is really stupid. Living here in Michigan, we get their damned canadian quarters all the time as change but do you think we can pay with it? Of course not! The loonies can take their toonies & leave them in Canada.

Christina_the_wench said...

You're cheap.

moooooog35 said...

Peach: You may be laughing, but I think her husband is in critical condition.

Mike: Why try to wad up a toonie when the strippers have built-in coin slots?

Think, man. THINK!

Don: If I start calling my pocketfuls 'poontang' I may never leave the house.

I'm not sure what that means.

Becky: I KNOW. Canada's one contribution to the world.

Narm: (see hilarious 'coin slot' comment above)

Yeah...I referenced another comment. Lazy day.

Kathcom: Song about Elaine? No. no.

Kramer sings: I like to stop at the duty free shop...I like to stop at the duty free shop...

Stay with me. Always moving.

Chris: So true, so true.

I NEED A MEDIC!!

Collette: Yes..paper money starts at $5. Brilliant, eh?

See what I did there? Eh?

Genius.

Christina: Only when it comes to buying things...or spending money of any sort.

Had to clarify there.

meleah rebeccah said...

I cant get over "Toonie" and "Loonie!" And thanks for pointing out Elaine's crazy jawline!

Kellie said...

Hahaha... you said doodie.

FawkesFire said...

I suddeny have this intense desire to NEVER visit Canada, Ever......thanks for the warning.

ettarose said...

I think Japan has the same sort of coins. You know with the different middle. Just sharing you know. Your wife sounds like your soul mate with the "Maybe you just can't take a shit in their bathrooms" crack. Good one eh?

justjp said...

I think what really needs to be pointed out is, why the heel would you vacation in Canada. Eh? Whats that all aboot.

CatLadyLarew said...

Just never ask the question, "What's Duty Free mean?" in front of a customs official. My ex did that once in response to the question about whether you were bringing in any Duty Free items. Shot us straight over to the body cavity search line!

ver said...

good design bro keep it up

prin said...

I haven't been here in months, and I'm here for ten minutes and you get the duty free shop song stuck in my head? I just finally had gotten rid of that song after ten or so years of whispering it to myself constantly.

Tsk.

Yeah, it was supposed to be "twonie" but nobody ('cept Mike up there) thinks of it that way... The rest of us like our looney toons money. :D The upside is you can usually get a large pizza with the change in your couch...

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