Shaved...for Her Displeasure - Part One | Mental Poo

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Shaved...for Her Displeasure - Part One

If you came here looking to read about how I shaved my balls, you're in the wrong place, my friends.

Seriously..what kind of guy do you take me for?

I'm a man's man.

Actually...

I did that shit a while ago.

Hey...smooth balls wait for no man.

(making that into a shirt)

ONWARD!!

*****************

Alternate title for this post:

The Breast a Man Can Get

I'm suing Gillette.

Because, seriously...

Gillette: The best a man can get?

Really?

Really, Gillette?

You're REALLY the best a man can get?

I don't fucking think so.

Let's leave THAT role to the mighty blumpkin.

Wow.

Five sentences in and I'm already talking about getting blowjobs on the toilet.

I'm slacking today.

Not sure what took me so long.


Regardless...

I recently had a stress test.

If you've never had one, a stress test consists of putting you in a car on a ten-hour road trip with my two children.

Whoops.

Sorry...I sometimes confuse 'stress test' with 'family vacation.'

Same difference, really.

During a stress test, you have all these electrodes and shit attached to you while you run on a treadmill.

Kind of like the Six Million Dollar Man except you don't get to bang Lindsey Wagner.

Mmmmm.

Bionic Va-Jay-Jay.

I wonder if when Steve Austin got a boner it did that:

"nananananana"

..sound effect.

I bet it did.

I'm going to start doing that when I get one.

You know...as soon as these pills kick in.

Stupid flaccid penis.


What the fuck was I talking about?

Oh. Yeah.

Stress test.

The very first thing that happens when I get in there is I'm asked to take my shirt off.

This is because Edna, a very nice old lady...

...is going to shave my chest.

nananananananana

Yay! Pills work!

I don't think she appreciated me trying to stick my finger in her ass...

...but that's usually included in the negotiated street price whenever a woman shaves my chest.

Perhaps I've said too much.


So, Edna - having to attach these little sticky electrode things...

...takes her trimmer and shaves my chest.

Well...

SOME of my chest.

You see...I have a pretty hairy chest and stomach.

LOOK OUT, LADIES!!

And Edna has to attach, like, 8 of these round sticky things...

(I believe the technical term for these things is "Oprah Winfrey's udder")

...to certain areas all over me.


So she clears off only a few spots.

Some here...

...some there.

Leaving me looking like I have fucking crop circles randomly scattered around my torso.

Nurse: "Oh! Look! It's in the shape of a rooster!"

I was personally offended by the ultrasound technician tromping around on my chest with plywood strapped to his feet, but whatever.

And, so it was with my once hairy chest now appearing like I have contracted some sort of terminal case of mange...

I decided to shave it all off.

nananananananana

Wow.

I made my own boner talking about my shaved chest.

You know...you never know when these pills are gonna fire that sucker up.

Shit.

Where's Lindsey Wagner when you need her?

********************

Coming soon:

"Shaved for Her Displeasure - Part Two - the Unveiling of Fabio"

36 comments:

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I was reading this post when--nananananananana--I saw the photo of Lindsey Wagner. She's still so very hot. I'd let her put crop circles in my chest hair, which isn't as thick as yours, apparently, but it could be done.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

P.S. -- So are you going to live, and if you do, will you have to take another family vacation, increasing your chances of dying?

Narm said...

Wait - did you straight razor or just buzz it.

Call me a girly man but if I don't do a little manscaping that shit looks like Whitney Houston's hair in the 80s. And it wants to dance with somebody.

Buzzardbilly said...

I'm getting a weave down there. I want it to look like Disco Era Diana Ross is trapped under my skirt. Or maybe I'll just have the weave knitted into a skirt itself. Now that would make for a special can-can dance for my hubby, wouldn't it?

I know. I've grossed you out in the most uncomfortable way again. I live to gross people out.

BTW, I sent something to Blonde Goddess that she just posted. You will find it most interesting...or embarrassing. Either way works for me. :)

The Peach Tart said...

I bet that chest is looking hot now. So were you stressed? Are you going to live?

nonamedufus said...

The last time I saw Lindsey Wagner she was shilling ...nananananana... Select Comfort Sleep Number beds. Oh how the bionic are ...nananananana... fallen.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I'm totally visualizing the Man-O-Lantern from the 40 Year Old Virgin.

Steph said...

Personally, I find crop circles in men's hair sweaters pretty sexy. I like to rub my fingers on the smooth spots and then tug on the hair that's still there during rough sex.

Kellie said...

We had the brilliant idea to do that to the hubs about 5 years ago just b/c we were bored. Yeah, he isn't exactly a muscular guy. More of a skinny guy. Probably close to what he looked like when he was 12 but now he has chest hair. So when we shaved it off, well I felt like I had married a 12 year old. Cougar!!!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

You know I get that thing whenever I come over here, that's like passing an accident on the highway - you don't WANT to look but you're sort of fascinated that you might see something nasty so you do anyway and then sure enough - decapitation and blood everywhere. That's what your entries are. Fascinatingly horrendous and bloody and totally like CRACK. :)

Was the old lady's anus like sandpaper?

moooooog35 said...

MikeWJ: I KNOW...I've seen her in ads in Woman's Day and...

..um..

Nevermind.

Narm: That's why you train your pecs to move.

Everyone knows a chick can't deny a Whitney Houston chest boogaloo.

Buzzard: You sound hot.

Peach: I'm stress free.

Except for when I'm home then I feel like I'm in cardiac arrest.

Kids.

Nonamedufus: I bet she could cut your wiggly off, though, with her bionic Kegel exercises.

BirdShit: Kinda like that but not really.

Hope that clarifies.

Steph: Sex can get rough?

Man..the shit they don't teach you in Health class.

Can't wait to have some!

Kellie: For some reason I'm picturing Malcolm in the Middle.

Make it stop.

Veggie: YAY!! I'm a fatal accident!! I'm a fatal accident!!

CatLadyLarew said...

So where's the actual picture of the crop circles? I always wanted to see some of those...

Katherine said...

OK, redhead ranting was right. You gotta hit the bathroom before reading this blog. Three kids later, this blog and now I need a diaper. Gotta subscribe. After I get a depends.

Ms. Case said...

Prove it! Let's see a pic!

Don said...

When I had a stress test the young female tech that put the stickies, no wait, that's the Fentanyl, shit on my chest said she liked men with little hair (that would be me). Then she exclaimed, "It makes these pads sooo much easier to remove." Bitch! Don't fuck with me like that when I'm trying to be cool for a stress test.

Un[Censored] said...

Yeah, it's all fun and games until Moog shaves off a nipple.

Be careful, there, good buddy.

Gauche said...

sexy.

wait until that grows back. not fun. Well....just for the sake of being able to say "told you so" waxing is the next move.

have fun with that.

Malicious Intent said...

Gah! Shaving your balls is sooooo 2008. Moving on...

My husband is as hairy as chubacka (no fucking clue if I spelled that right.) "Giant walking fur ball from Star Wars"

One day, he was about to take a shower and had the clippers out and asked if I would shave his neck. Cause ya know, at times, you have to re-establish where his neck ends and his back begins by shaving a line across his neck.

So I did my duty, he turned and faced me, and I got all frisky and took the clippers "Ziiiiiiip" from his left shoulder, down to his right hip. Looked like he had a seat belt on, only it was a no hair seat belt. He was not to impressed, or not as impressed as I was. Or laughing like I was. Matter of fact, I think he was pissed off....but I was still laughing. Yup, fucking funny.

Collette said...

Good thing she wasn't masochistic or else she would have stuck them right on the hair just to rip them off!
So, does Mrs. Moooooog get to shave the rest or pluck them out one by one? MUAHAHAHAHA

Mango Girl said...

Oh my god, is all I can say! Hope the test results turn out fine.

Malach the Merciless said...

But did you pass? Your health is what counts

Buzzardbilly said...

Dear Moog,

Your blog friend (who also frequents Blonde Goddess's place) known as Malicious Intent cracks me up. I've lived with the invite-only dealio on MI's blog because it made me feel unclean, like the lowest caste of a caste society. Now, with the discussion of the hair(less) seat belt, I would respectfully ask that MI lemme see what's behind Door Number One.

I thank you for your intercession (the use of that word alone ought to make you feel all Pope-y).

Buzzardbilly

Buzzardbilly said...

PS: For some perverse reason my unclean feeling pleased me. Perhaps it's same part of me that would wear a knitted pube weave skirt.

LiLu said...

I was about to be really grateful for all the naive people about there that you didn't link blumpkin.

And then you went and explained it.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

This weekend, I am going to go out and buy a Fender Stratocaster. I'm going to practice and practice, and then write songs. At that point, I will recruit a singer, a bassist, and a drummer. We'll get really good.

Why would I go through all this trouble?

Simply so we could call ourselves "Oprah's Udder".

Luray va accommodations said...

Very funny!! I’m really grateful for you. I will buy it soon.

moooooog35 said...

CatLady: All you women want pics of me.

Can't blame you, really. I'm quite stunning.

Katherine: I think you need to see a doctor, actually.

Ms. Case: You first!

Don: I know...nurse said the same thing to me when I had my vasectomy.

Un[censored]: Your concern is duly noted.

Gauche: IT GROWS BACK?!?!

MI: ...you realize he's plotting where to hide the body, right?

Collette: Handing my wife a razor would be a deadly mistake.

Mango: Yep...I'm awesome.

nananananana

Malach: I passed with flying colors.

Mostly pastels, but whatever.

Buzzard: I shall pass it along the next time her pimp drops her off.

Lilu: You mean not everyone knows the blumpkin?!?

What kind of world are we living in?!

Chris: NICE.

I also asked my friend Kristin the other day if someone had a broken fake leg, would it be called a...

...wait for it...

"Pathetic Prosthetic"

The Pathetic Prosthetics

How's THAT for a cool rock band name?!

Lurya..blah blah..whatever: Thanks! And I am really grateful for what you will buy soon even though I have not a fucking clue what you're talking about!

Olay!

Organic Meatbag said...

I manscape as well...I can't believe I just admitted that... well, I don't do the chest anymore, but...yeah...there is something seriously wrong with this conversation...

Jen said...

Just wait till that shit starts to grow back. My ex and I were bored one day and decided a shave was in order for me, I have a beautiful daughter from that escapade, anyway I left the next day for a week long business trip with 8 hour meetings each day. I have never been in such agony of want to scratch but unable to for fear everyone would think I had the crabs.

ettarose said...

I hope you did the whole thing with designs and shit when your test was done. You could have been your own motivational poster. How does one go about shaving balls? To me it would be kind of like shaving the weenus. Too many fucking wrinkles.

Gauche said...

*patpats*

Kirsten said...

I'm still LMAO about the 6 million dollar man's penis making that sound!!!

moooooog35 said...

Organic: Thanks for sharing.

now..please leave the circle immediately.

Jen: You had to shave your chest?!?

Etta: It would be easier to show you...

Gauche: *spatspat*

No idea what I mean by that.

Kirsten: Just think how hard it would have been for Lindsay not to laugh.

Ha.

I said 'hard.'

JD at I Do Things said...

Jen from Redhead Ranting sent me over.

You had me at "blumpkin."

meleah rebeccah said...

Im still laughing at Crop Circles on your chest.....

Jill Pilgrim said...

A lady I know went in for a stress test and died. True story. Did I tell you that already? Because I feel like I may have.

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