You want to spank my what? | Mental Poo

Monday, December 05, 2011

You want to spank my what?

This post is kind of adult-ish...adultishful...adultery-ish...

There's stuff about sex toys in here.


You've been warned.


I while ago I wrote about my escapades during a trip to an adult XXX store.

I know. I'm shocked, too.

Because to this day I am still corn-cob-pipeless. Sucks.

Regardless, what I DID get was a set of "Sex Dice" which are basically a set of girl die and boy die (the boy die don't roll properly because their little die penises stick out) that have an 'action' on one die and a 'body part' on the other. The guy rolls the pink and the girl rolls the blue.

So being the bedroom rock star that I am - and by 'rock star' I mean 'guy who just passed out from 3 minutes of cardio' - I tried putting these to use with my girlfriend.

This is when we realized that not ALL of the dice rolls are meant to be paired up together on certain rolls.




Yes. Spank my earlobes.

Because nothing says 'night of passion' like 'exploding your lover's earlobes rendering them deaf.'


Watch out, honey. If you spend a lot of time blowing on my sphincter, it just might blow back at you.





Yes. Because nothing gets a woman going like licking the side of her face.


"Tug on Butt Cheeks." I don't know how to even begin this move unless you have ass hair at which point I'm right the Hell outta here anyway, baby.


"Pinch Penis." I only do this when I have to pee really really badly.


I cannot stress enough how much I do not want you to do this.


"Spank Testicles." Um. At this point, feel free to forfeit your turn.


Seriously, honey. Just leave the nuts alone at this point.

They've been through enough already.


FYI: If you don't want to go through the latent embarrassment of browsing 2-foot long plastic penises in person, you can purchase sex dice like these at this sex toy store instead.

This post was sponsored by

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store


Ryan said...

There should be a disclaimer. Warning: Sex Dice(TM) have a 50% success rate.

LilPixi said...

EdenFantasys is the bomb!!

That's still better than the sex dice I got from a friend that were in Spanish. Talk about frustration & trying to figure that shit out.

Erin T. said...

I can hardly see the keyboard through all the tears. HOLY STINKSTAR! I can only imagine my fiance's surprise if instead of a taint tickle he got a testicle tug!

jack mehoff said...

i would say you need to expand your horizons a little. there seems to be a theme here with the sack - you shoulda just had your woman put on a pair of stilettos and let her stomp on ya.

Knight said...

I was laughing so hard everyone else in my office wants to know what I'm reading. Is your place hiring?

Anonymous said...

OMG...hilarious as always. I'm def. not getting those balls hurt just reading it!

Lady Estrogen said...

Don't play Vegas, darling. I have a feeling you'd have no luck.

Handflapper said...

Did you read the description carefully? Are you sure these aren't SM sex dice?

Trooper Thorn said...

When do we get to nipple tugging and spanking?

chemgirljaime said...

i'm with Handflapper here.. I think you bought the wrong dice... lol

meleah rebeccah said...

That game does NOT seem like a sexual game - but more like a "how much can I injure my partner" kind of game.

Ellie M said...

Dude, I totally wanna try some of those. Can
I borrow your testicles?

So. Cal. Gal said...

Not a "testicle teasing" kind of guy, are ya?

Anonymous said...

aahhh....the joys of sex dice. Yeah, they aren't always the rolls that you want and frankly they aren't the most inventive of suggestions anyway. haha. You have kids, I'm sure you can figure out how things work in the bedroom without them. haha. Besides once you get pinched or slapped in the testicles it really kills the fun/sexy mood anyway! :)

Moooooog35 said...

Ryan: But even 50% success is okay with me.

LilPixi: That's when you just make shit up.

Erin: Great. Now I want a taint tickle.

Eva: *blushes*

Jack: Again?!

Knight: Yes..they ARE hiring AND I'm also in the market for a new work-wife. Send me your resume and some photos STAT.

Insomniac: Are you sure they just don't hurt from overtugging?

Lady Estrogen: If I didn't have bad luck I'd have no luck at all.

Handflapper: Ohhhhhh. *face palm*

Trooper: Dude. You're kind of freaking me out.

chemgirl: or did I buy the RIGHT dice? Hmmm? HMMMM?

Meleah: Obviously, you've never had sex with me. There's still time, though.

Ellie: Um...DUH.

So. Cal: There's a difference between 'testicle teasing' and 'testicle OMG STOP YOU'RE KILLING MY NUTS'

Jewels: "you can figure out how things work in the bedroom..."

You're funny.

Narm said...

Tug on Buttcheeks also sounds like a cutting-edge article by a man named Dug, uncovering some truths about Butt cheeks.

* The MOM said...

You're such a wuss!! Where's you sense of adventure?

AtYourCervix said...

My 8 yr old wanted to know why I was snorting/laughing (that was me trying to hold the laughter in). I told her it was an adult thing, and I'll tell her in a few (10!) more years.

AtYourCervix said...

Oh oh oh! I get it now! It's really a new form of birth control!

Stacyonthecouch said...

chicken shawarma all over my monitor

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