tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275277272024-01-03T01:50:35.391-05:00Mental PooWarning: This blog contains random thoughts and comments that tend flow from my head with little advance warning...or sense..aka, mental poo. Enjoy...but be careful...it's messy in here.Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.comBlogger1229125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-24223359903979825242017-01-12T08:28:00.002-05:002017-01-12T08:28:53.639-05:00I'VE MOVEDThank you for visiting <i>Mental Poo.</i><br />
<br />Feel free to browse around Mental Poo, but <b>PLEASE NOTE</b> that I have moved my Internet residence over to <b><a href="http://rodneylacroix.com./">RodneyLacroix.com.</a></b><br />
<br />That's right, I have a dot-com now so nothing can stand in my way of world domination except my own laziness and lack of funding.<br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://www.rodneylacroix.com/" target="_blank">Head over to RodneyLacroix.com and check out all the cool crap.</a></b><br />
<br />
You can even subscribe to my newsletter where I can spam your email account. It's so annoying.<br />
<br />
Thanks and see you over there!<div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-54634998091492521402015-08-24T11:03:00.001-04:002015-08-24T11:03:42.141-04:00"Romantic as Hell" is AVAILABLE and oh, look, I made a video!If you've been living in a cave then congrats on figuring out how to get decent wi-fi in the wilderness.<br />
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If you haven't, then you know my latest literary creation, Romantic as Hell, has finally gone on sale!<br />
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As of August 20th, you can get it at these locations:<br />
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<b><a href="http://mybook.to/GetRomantic" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: large;">Amazon - Paperback</span></a></b><br />
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</span> <b><a href="http://getbook.at/RomanticAsHell" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: large;">Amazon - Kindle</span></a></b><br />
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</span> <b><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/romantic-as-hell-rodney-lacroix/1122505428" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: large;">Barnes and Noble - Paperback</span></a></b><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span> <b><a href="http://www.rcgpublishing.com/books/romantic-as-hell/" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: large;">RCG Publishing - links to all versions PLUS signed copies</span></a></b><br />
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So far I've gotten 31 reviews in the 4 days it's been released. That's seriously awesome and I can't thank all you guys enough.<br />
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Go grab yourself a copy, please, and then make sure you throw your reviews up (good, bad or ugly) because that's all I have left, really.<br />
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Thanks!<br />
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To repay you, here is the OFFICIAL "Romantic as Hell" book trailer, because nothing says 'Romance' like ripping off Blair Witch, ammiright?<br />
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Enjoy!<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/n0fCeoBLx5I" width="420"></iframe><br /></div>
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-7991888200504826062015-07-27T13:44:00.002-04:002015-07-27T13:44:32.909-04:00ERMAGERD and an apologyHey everyone.<br />
<br />First, I need to apologize for getting you guys all excited and posting for, like, 3 weeks straight and then disappearing again.<br />
<br />
I'm like that mysterious man in your life who has a wife and only spends time with you when his wife is visiting her mom.<br />
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Don't ask me how I know that.<br />
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I apologize for being so unattainable as of late, but I have been diligently working and reworking "Romantic as Hell" to make it - and I say this with all the sincerity of someone who wants to sell a billion copies of this - the best book EVER.<br />
<br />EVER.<br />
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I'm talking "Better than the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series" good.<br />
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That said - I'm working with the PDF proof of the book as we speak, which is the LAST iteration I get to see before it goes to print. PRINT, people. PRINT.<br />
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So, yes. It's coming very soon.<br />
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Just like I do when the wife is visiting her mom.<br />
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I should probably stop typing now.<div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-1196930517447739482015-06-01T10:09:00.002-04:002015-06-01T10:09:57.551-04:00Whoa.So, turns out I have some pretty high-profile backers of my upcoming book. I just got Justin Guarini to endorse "Romantic as Hell" and my boner hasn't gone done since I've received his quote.<br />
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I'm not gay, just really excited.<br />
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Not that there's anything wrong with that.<br />
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If - for some reason - you have no clue who <a href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CB4QFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FJustin_Guarini&ei=fmZsVYORJNKtyAT2l4CICw&usg=AFQjCNHw5XU07sRdIHBURna_ZflA8BpISg&sig2=RfcQnB8EVt2-VFXAUBUqwg&bvm=bv.94455598,d.aWw" target="_blank">Justin Guarini is click here.</a><br />
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I also highly suggest you follow him on Twitter because he is hysterical.<br />
<br />
If you STILL don't know who he is, feel free <a href="https://youtu.be/p0-eiZ2O9Uw" target="_blank">to watch this</a>:<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/p0-eiZ2O9Uw" width="560"></iframe><br />
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You're welcome.<br />
<br />
That said, check out the marketing sleeve I made for "Romantic as Hell" - Coming soon to an Amazon near you.<br />
<br />That sounds weird.<br />
<br />
Special thanks to EVERYONE who has been helping me with this project. You know who you are and I love you all in the sensitive bits. You complete me.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-s7vXt-N_rp0/VWxnN-P3ZGI/AAAAAAAASQc/aiuxRxeyMzY/s1600/1-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-s7vXt-N_rp0/VWxnN-P3ZGI/AAAAAAAASQc/aiuxRxeyMzY/s640/1-2.jpg" width="494" /></a></div>
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-57654284473924933542015-05-18T09:40:00.000-04:002015-05-18T09:40:13.090-04:00Romantic as Hell COVER REVEAL!Well, it's getting closer to release time (that's what he said), so here you go...<br />
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The officially almost-final cover of "Romantic as Hell"<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-W0nd7gVlR-Q/VVnrhVsFw5I/AAAAAAAASPk/zS8ZS1cHibs/s1600/RomanticAsHell-cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-W0nd7gVlR-Q/VVnrhVsFw5I/AAAAAAAASPk/zS8ZS1cHibs/s640/RomanticAsHell-cover.jpg" width="452" /></a></div>
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Stay tuned for presale info and the final release date COMING SOON!!!</div>
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What do you guys think?</div>
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-6297131562822606782015-05-11T08:23:00.002-04:002015-05-11T08:23:46.114-04:00The Humiliation of Jax - Volume 1Let me start this off by saying that I love my dog.<br />
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Let me follow that up by also saying that I will not be surprised if, one day, my dog up and kills me while I sleep.<br />
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You see, we love putting things on Jax's head.<br />
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I don't know how this started, or why, but it seems like whenever there is something we find that isn't bolted to the ground or so heavy that it will kill him, we put it on his head.<br />
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Without further ado, I give you some prime examples of why, exactly, my dog probably really hates me.<br />
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This one we call, Sir Jaxham Hat:<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hxMHIkeZM_Q/VVCeKOhK7mI/AAAAAAAASO0/Odqm4K6t6x8/s1600/403434_4672960424106_456589321_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hxMHIkeZM_Q/VVCeKOhK7mI/AAAAAAAASO0/Odqm4K6t6x8/s320/403434_4672960424106_456589321_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Here is what my dog would look like as a Swedish girl with pigtails:</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SoHtg-khfj8/VVCeKbgysRI/AAAAAAAASO4/UQV9Z_tm8iY/s1600/988793_10202922846494279_1100129671_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SoHtg-khfj8/VVCeKbgysRI/AAAAAAAASO4/UQV9Z_tm8iY/s320/988793_10202922846494279_1100129671_n.jpg" width="281" /></a></div>
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KHALEESI!</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7Csj1wBcRyA/VVCd9vIIlxI/AAAAAAAASOQ/mx668E-_eXA/s1600/1401274_10202043313186496_2075243398_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7Csj1wBcRyA/VVCd9vIIlxI/AAAAAAAASOQ/mx668E-_eXA/s320/1401274_10202043313186496_2075243398_o.jpg" width="237" /></a></div>
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This is actually a pretty good job he's doing of balancing while plotting my demise:</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hypPc-fcrrc/VVCd9x4gqeI/AAAAAAAASOI/1sfwyolgwZU/s1600/1489072_10205152397631664_8955178812334243041_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hypPc-fcrrc/VVCd9x4gqeI/AAAAAAAASOI/1sfwyolgwZU/s320/1489072_10205152397631664_8955178812334243041_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Took him SO LONG to guess this Headbanz clue. Man, we made so much of him after this:</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8U5CYNYtwU4/VVCd-Spk9wI/AAAAAAAASOU/b6hEY4Mj6ek/s1600/1524634_10202541918891327_1057661611_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8U5CYNYtwU4/VVCd-Spk9wI/AAAAAAAASOU/b6hEY4Mj6ek/s320/1524634_10202541918891327_1057661611_n.jpg" width="192" /></a></div>
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Like a reverse Jonah:</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JO39s-h60io/VVCeGYaLetI/AAAAAAAASOk/wxmQExoL2qw/s1600/1601212_10203559702815289_6572648318896544618_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JO39s-h60io/VVCeGYaLetI/AAAAAAAASOk/wxmQExoL2qw/s320/1601212_10203559702815289_6572648318896544618_n.jpg" width="255" /></a></div>
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PETA is probably going to give me shit after this, but people pay good money for stone massages, right?</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4cDagH476KU/VVCd8NFuqLI/AAAAAAAASNk/odm5InvsDtY/s1600/10007001_10203271681814944_7090582832323412124_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4cDagH476KU/VVCd8NFuqLI/AAAAAAAASNk/odm5InvsDtY/s320/10007001_10203271681814944_7090582832323412124_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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This is what Jax would look like as an elephant, probably:</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pSFsRKsv5Eo/VVCeDrR3PWI/AAAAAAAASOo/FQ-UJeDpPEs/s1600/10257745_10203269139951399_4353118855433486244_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pSFsRKsv5Eo/VVCeDrR3PWI/AAAAAAAASOo/FQ-UJeDpPEs/s320/10257745_10203269139951399_4353118855433486244_n.jpg" width="285" /></a></div>
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'Sup.</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DoWpsTstGBw/VVCd8FEoyCI/AAAAAAAASNg/c55KHhTP03k/s1600/10356696_10205138544125335_5078462864454879149_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DoWpsTstGBw/VVCd8FEoyCI/AAAAAAAASNg/c55KHhTP03k/s320/10356696_10205138544125335_5078462864454879149_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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..and then we crossed Jax with a Yak and got a Jak:</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Iq6EkdzgyW0/VVCd8v_5x1I/AAAAAAAASNo/B2M2EJFJJhM/s1600/10402556_10203575767656900_8592745743978088640_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Iq6EkdzgyW0/VVCd8v_5x1I/AAAAAAAASNo/B2M2EJFJJhM/s320/10402556_10203575767656900_8592745743978088640_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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I love this one:</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5hwHmJLhyCg/VVCd81rUNSI/AAAAAAAASNs/zb-2d8P8oJE/s1600/10671425_10204838930315177_3646635446549679719_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5hwHmJLhyCg/VVCd81rUNSI/AAAAAAAASNs/zb-2d8P8oJE/s320/10671425_10204838930315177_3646635446549679719_n.jpg" width="234" /></a></div>
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Who says my puppy doesn't know how to party?</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6GADPLgL1uU/VVCd8799SEI/AAAAAAAASNw/q_WVWXzv1JM/s1600/10898120_10205166860593229_8430767055055210815_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6GADPLgL1uU/VVCd8799SEI/AAAAAAAASNw/q_WVWXzv1JM/s320/10898120_10205166860593229_8430767055055210815_n.jpg" width="207" /></a></div>
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He had the biggest St. Patrick's Day hangover after this one:</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nwV43V3zpdk/VVCd9XhZ33I/AAAAAAAASN0/872UDn3bXpQ/s1600/11025954_10205705709624118_2535514511441447658_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nwV43V3zpdk/VVCd9XhZ33I/AAAAAAAASN0/872UDn3bXpQ/s320/11025954_10205705709624118_2535514511441447658_n.jpg" width="234" /></a></div>
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SuperJax. Guardian of the Household:</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TL_PryZ4e0k/VVCd9iskYMI/AAAAAAAASN8/UZELQtPorKM/s1600/11071126_10205800774160672_7384358893302684157_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TL_PryZ4e0k/VVCd9iskYMI/AAAAAAAASN8/UZELQtPorKM/s320/11071126_10205800774160672_7384358893302684157_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Yes.</div>
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I have more.</div>
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Stay tuned.</div>
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<br />That is, if he hasn't killed me before I post them.</div>
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-35536283251267364842015-05-04T09:00:00.000-04:002015-05-04T09:00:01.891-04:00Beckham can bend my shiny white assBy the time you read this, I will have coached my first kids U12 (Under 12) soccer game of the season.<br />
<br />
I fucking hate soccer.<br />
<br />
HATE IT.<br />
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The only reason I'm coaching is because (a) no one else would step up to coach, (b) there are some pretty hot soccer moms on the team this year and I look good and (c) see (a). Parents suck.<br />
<br />
This is the second season I've had to do this. Last season, I was 'assistant coach' but the 'regular coach' didn't really do anything but she's a woman and you can't say anything about a woman stepping up her game because then the totally shut down the V on you.<br />
<br />
I hope my wife isn't reading this.<br />
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This season, she decided to not 'coach' so, unfortunately, I was the only one. Keep in mind we have 22 kids on the team and I'm the ONLY person to step up and coach. This really sucks - especially when two of the kids on the team literally flap their hands as they run down the field. Like birds. Little soccer birds. Little soccer birds who can't score or defend for shit.<br />
<br />
I cry sometimes.<br />
<br />
Not really knowing or liking the game can be a big disadvantage when you're, you know, coaching it.<br />
<br />
If you're in this boat, I've created some handy-dandy skills you can use during practices. The last practice we had was actually run by a semi-pro and I just tagged along. By 'tagged along' I mean 'tried to understand wtf he was saying because he was Irish or Scottish.'<br />
<br />
Ever single thing the guy said made me want to fertilize my lawn. I'm pretty sure he also said "Blarney Blarney" a lot.<br />
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That said, here you go. Good luck, you poor bastards.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-o_kplif0w9M/VUJ1VPeYVAI/AAAAAAAASM8/kTAWDMecDn8/s1600/soccer%2Bdrills.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-o_kplif0w9M/VUJ1VPeYVAI/AAAAAAAASM8/kTAWDMecDn8/s1600/soccer%2Bdrills.png" /></a></div>
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-39720749061037327962015-04-27T08:57:00.006-04:002015-04-27T08:57:46.463-04:00Jury DoodieMy wife has jury duty today.<br />
<br />This is, like, the 5th time she's been called to appear for jury duty.<br />
<br />
I'm 46 years old and have never been called. Not once.<br />
<br />
Although, I may have - because I tend to throw away everything that looks like junk mail unless it's from Publisher's Clearing House because someone has to win, right? Exactly.<br />
<br />
Related: I am subscribed to 400 different magazines.<br />
<br />
In New Hampshire, they apparently require you to show up on FOUR CONSECUTIVE MONDAYS to see if you'll be needed. This is great because the courthouse is about an hour away and they pay you $20 for the day so it's like getting a raise.<br />
<br />
I should probably switch careers.<br />
<br />
So we woke up in the morning and my ADD was in full-force trying to get sex by suggesting I 'yell at her foreman in the boat,' 'finger the defendant' or give her 'my oral argument.' Then she rolled out of bed and I kept thinking of things because that's what I do.<br />
<br />
But before she left, we tried to think of some ways she could get out of her jury duty altogether.<br />
<br />
<b>1) What to Wear</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
We had 3 surgical masks lying on the kitchen table because we didn't have kids this weekend and we like to get our freak on. As such, I suggested that my wife show up like this:<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ux88C9ehyGc/VT4v3MIk0kI/AAAAAAAASMM/7i7DHE1i4xA/s1600/11100665_10206074219236628_2244227203885383445_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ux88C9ehyGc/VT4v3MIk0kI/AAAAAAAASMM/7i7DHE1i4xA/s1600/11100665_10206074219236628_2244227203885383445_n.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Personally, I didn't like the mask that was attached over my mouth because you couldn't see the buck teeth I was making. She nixed this idea, primarily because the masks were no longer sanitary from the night before.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
We have zero shame.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
My next suggestion was something like this:</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Mj3nKVknpWY/VT4v108iBtI/AAAAAAAASME/oVWBjcFPqZU/s1600/gwar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Mj3nKVknpWY/VT4v108iBtI/AAAAAAAASME/oVWBjcFPqZU/s1600/gwar.jpg" height="267" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Simple, yet understated, this was also nixed because we couldn't find the shoulder pads.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Sadly, I discovered them after she left at the bottom of our bed.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Like I said, ZERO SHAME.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
2) How to Act:</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Some of my suggestions on what she should do while she was waiting included:</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
<ul>
<li>Selling copies of my books</li>
<li>Shooting people with imaginary guns</li>
<li>Flipping a coin while saying 'guilty,' 'not guilty,' 'SHUT UP SHUT UP'</li>
</ul>
<div>
3) The texting</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Well, none of that worked so she was stuck in a room with a bunch of people. That's when she started texting me non-stop. It's 8:53 AM on a Monday as I write this and she's been seriously texting me without any breaks and it's really putting a cramp on me pretending to do work.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Case in point:</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0SrVKC5MIG0/VT4xj5p-CwI/AAAAAAAASMg/BA550Y00734/s1600/IMG_1876.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0SrVKC5MIG0/VT4xj5p-CwI/AAAAAAAASMg/BA550Y00734/s1600/IMG_1876.PNG" height="640" width="358" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Seriously. It's quite threatening even though I look really good in it.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Because when it comes to looking good in photos, I'm guilty as charged.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Had to throw that in there.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<br />
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-87459338583291398432015-04-21T08:36:00.000-04:002015-04-21T08:36:02.945-04:00Cake Boss*deep voice*<br />
<br />
<i>I have a special set of skills.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Skills I have honed over, like, a year or something.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>My skills suck.</i><br />
<br />
Unless we're talking about designing pictures for birthday cakes. Then my skills approach mediocre-status.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure how this all started, but with the advent of grocery store bakeries being able to take any picture and put it on a cake, my entire world opened up. Food tasted better. Colors were more vibrant. The air smelled cleaner.<br />
<br />
I cling to the stupid things in life.<br />
<br />
What these bakeries can do is to take any picture you give them, turn it into some kind of edible photo, and lie it on a cake.<br />
<br />
Oh, Christ. I hope it's edible. Maybe I should read the instructions.<br />
<br />
Nah. I've already eaten 14 of these pictures and haven't died ye-<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I'll continue.<br />
<br />
So I've started, instead, to design my own pictures for birthday cakes for the kids.<br />
<br />
It all started with my son's birthday a few years ago. We were at the beach and he had an ice cream. I snapped a photo of him making the most ridiculous face with it.<br />
<br />
On a side note, immediately after taking the photo, the ice cream fell off his cone and onto the ground and laughter ensued for the next 20 minutes or so.<br />
<br />
I took that photo and, since we had both just become black belts, came up with this for his cake:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KhanviJ5_2w/VTZCL5WERMI/AAAAAAAASJs/dkdt7uQqyKE/s1600/pic%2B2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KhanviJ5_2w/VTZCL5WERMI/AAAAAAAASJs/dkdt7uQqyKE/s1600/pic%2B2.jpg" height="480" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
I cannot love this picture enough.<br />
<br />
FYI, when singing 'happy birthday' and you put a cake in front of someone with this picture on it, the reaction is truly magical.<br />
<br />
Next up was my daughter's birthday, and she was into Star Trek at the time, so....<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-L8pfHV02_GM/VTZCjWotDHI/AAAAAAAASJ0/nihEEKrDHbQ/s1600/1187226_10201769202973912_1138417549_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-L8pfHV02_GM/VTZCjWotDHI/AAAAAAAASJ0/nihEEKrDHbQ/s1600/1187226_10201769202973912_1138417549_n.jpg" height="480" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
I think this came out quite stunning.<br />
<br />
Fast-forward one year where Star Trek took a back seat to her liking a goth band named "Black Veil Brides" and this is what I came up with:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eSKet1CisvM/VTZCw3l0-rI/AAAAAAAASJ8/9mps4W-1518/s1600/10653756_10204413435598075_8408736351174688845_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eSKet1CisvM/VTZCw3l0-rI/AAAAAAAASJ8/9mps4W-1518/s1600/10653756_10204413435598075_8408736351174688845_n.jpg" height="480" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
Yes. That's black icing.<br />
<br />
This is what it's like having an emo teen, by the way.<br />
<br />
Then it was my step-daughter's turn and OH I BET YOU CANNOT GUESS WHAT SHE WAS INTO.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-w_f4SIagY74/VTZDD-fVh3I/AAAAAAAASKE/Ab-sT0i_byA/s1600/pic%2B1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-w_f4SIagY74/VTZDD-fVh3I/AAAAAAAASKE/Ab-sT0i_byA/s1600/pic%2B1.jpg" height="480" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
I honestly wish she'd let it go.<br />
<br />
See what I did there?<br />
<br />
I STILL GOT IT.<br />
<br />
BUT...the king of all cakes made it's appearance last weekend.<br />
<br />
My stepson, turning 10.<br />
<br />
What does my stepson enjoy?<br />
<br />
Pugs and Narwhals.<br />
<br />
Yes.<br />
<br />
Pugs. And. Narwhals.<br />
<br />
On a side note, my wife had no idea that narwhals were real animals up until about a month ago, just in case you're wondering what kind of education you need to be a dental hygienist.<br />
<br />
Love you, babe.<br />
<br />
So, with pugs and narwhals in mind, this is what he got on his cake:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PXPKjBehWyU/VTZDlkbGKCI/AAAAAAAASKQ/VwBn0FVuykw/s1600/evan%2Bcake.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PXPKjBehWyU/VTZDlkbGKCI/AAAAAAAASKQ/VwBn0FVuykw/s1600/evan%2Bcake.png" height="476" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
His face, on a pug's body, riding a narwhal.<br />
<br />
GENIUS.<br />
<br />
Also magical is the reaction of his grandmother when she saw the cake and was all, 'the fuck is that?'<br />
<br />
I'll tell you what the fuck it is:<br />
<br />
MAGICAL.<br />
<br />
Want one? I'm available for parties. Price negotiable.<div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-57856488443161813252015-04-17T08:41:00.000-04:002015-04-17T08:41:12.207-04:00Enabling my Twitter fetish, one book at a timeWell, today is the day that "The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets" goes on sale!<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://bit.ly/BBoPt2" target="_blank">You can get your copy right here.</a></span></b><br />
<b><br /></b>
I managed to squeeze my way into the book by making some Tweets that were somehow deemed worthy of publicizing to more than my 5 followers on Twitter.<br />
<br />
Like this one:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9UdOjPZXOvU/VTD-wO6Xz_I/AAAAAAAASJI/eJXdTWHxM-A/s1600/rodney.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9UdOjPZXOvU/VTD-wO6Xz_I/AAAAAAAASJI/eJXdTWHxM-A/s1600/rodney.jpg" height="400" width="351" /></a></div>
<br />
That said, you'll also find a shit-ton of other really funny people making their own Tweets about parenthood and why you'd probably be best to avoid becoming a parent if you're not one already.<br />
<br />
Go get it.<br />
<br />
Also, I already got paid for my input so I get no future royalties by asking you to buy the book. It's THAT funny.<br />
<br />
I may need to restructure my contract for the next one.<div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-70133705473847534622015-04-14T10:49:00.002-04:002015-04-14T10:49:41.916-04:00Legit QuestionMy laptop here at work is literally 7 years old and is pretty dog slow. This is mainly because of my excessive porn collection that has been encrypted and takes up all of my disk space, but whatever.<br />
<br />
So I put in a request for a new one recently and have been waiting patiently while simultaneously increasing my encrypted porn collection.<br />
<br />
That was, until this morning when I received this from IT:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tCWGtYpikHg/VS0bTrdjKII/AAAAAAAASIU/i_6m6Tvu-ms/s1600/dont%2Bjudge.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tCWGtYpikHg/VS0bTrdjKII/AAAAAAAASIU/i_6m6Tvu-ms/s1600/dont%2Bjudge.png" height="524" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Seriously.<br />
<br />
I'm not about to go resetting all my passwords for all my work applications, but I'm also a bit hesitant to give this guy my password because, well, it's filthy.<br />
<br />
Like, 'sex toy' filthy. But it has special characters and shit in it but the special characters make it look like the sex toy is having relations.<br />
<br />
I'm nothing if not creative.<br />
<br />
But short of having this guy sign a non-disclosure agreement and submitting himself to a lie detector test, the easier option was to just tell him what the password was. But first I needed to make sure that my password would not find it's way to the hot chick from Human Resources.<br />
<br />By the way, having a hot chick work in HR that you can't hit on is one of the Circles of Hell, I'm pretty sure.<br />
<br />
I got this back and then, putting all my trust in Don, replied:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lAqG4qS4zvU/VS0n_2dlJAI/AAAAAAAASIw/yd7tgYIZBYs/s1600/dont%2Bjudge%2B2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lAqG4qS4zvU/VS0n_2dlJAI/AAAAAAAASIw/yd7tgYIZBYs/s1600/dont%2Bjudge%2B2.png" height="616" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
Then I started packing up my stuff because I was pretty sure I was going to be either walked out at any moment, or the HR woman would come and drag me to the lactation room where we would have wild relations.<br />
<br />
I live in my own mind.<br />
<br />
But, instead, I got this:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QENy8ySLjNs/VS0n_7fQBTI/AAAAAAAASIs/Ef_sY0gpi3I/s1600/dont%2Bjudge%2B3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QENy8ySLjNs/VS0n_7fQBTI/AAAAAAAASIs/Ef_sY0gpi3I/s1600/dont%2Bjudge%2B3.png" height="136" width="640" /></a></div>
PHEW.<br />
<br />
Bullet dodged.<br />
<br />
Ha. Bullet.<br />
<br />
That's a sex toy, too.<div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-3779796492280867432015-04-13T13:54:00.001-04:002015-04-13T13:54:39.165-04:00And then there was this cameo...Just going to pimp out a few of my friends over at <a href="https://twitter.com/SciofParenthood" target="_blank">The Science of Parenthood</a> today.<br />
<br />
They have a new book coming out THIS FRIDAY, April 17th, 2015:<br />
<br />
I can tell you that, yes, I have read the book and, yes, it is hilarious.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yimpUQelcbs/VSwCI4Yb9rI/AAAAAAAASH8/7smEBUaB2YA/s1600/parenting%2Bbigger%2Blogo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yimpUQelcbs/VSwCI4Yb9rI/AAAAAAAASH8/7smEBUaB2YA/s1600/parenting%2Bbigger%2Blogo.jpg" height="400" width="262" /></a></div>
<br />
However when I say I've 'read' it I mean 'I've read my Tweets in it' because I am one of the contributors to the book!<br />
<br />
WOOT.<br />
<br />
Honestly, the book is pretty awesome and hysterical. There are a TON of awesome comedians in it who have plenty to Tweet about in regards to parenting. Even if you're not a parent, you'll find this book seriously fucking hysterical. It's really pretty awesome.<br />
<br />
I'll update the post with the link when it's available. In the meantime, go find <b>Science of Parenthood</b> here:<br />
<br /><a href="http://scienceofparenthood.com/" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-size: large;">The Science of Parenthood web site</span></b></a><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<a href="https://twitter.com/SciofParenthood" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Twitter</span></b></a><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/ScienceOfParenthood" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Facebook</span></b></a><br />
<br />
Tell them I sent you and you will receive absolutely no special treatment.<br />
<br />
This is what I get for not asking them for star treatment.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-87247227784366314412015-04-06T08:51:00.000-04:002015-04-06T08:51:08.434-04:00The Power of Christ Compels You....to lie to people inappropriatelyMy son bought a new game for the XBox a few weeks ago called "Fibbage."<br />
<br />
In a nutshell, you must come up with fake answers to questions and make the other players believe it's the truth.<br />
<br />
Instead of "Fibbage" maybe it should be called "Marriage."<br />
<br />
Seriously, honey. I was totally out with the guys last Friday.<br />
<br />
The great part of the game is that you play on any internet-connected device. You sit in the same room as the XBox gives you categories. One player is randomly picked to choose the category. Then the XBox narrates the question, and you submit your answer using your own phone, tablet, laptop, etc., etc.<br />
<br />
The first part is making up your own player name.<br />
<br />
Here's how this goes in my house:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-y5-PjNkdrVs/VSJ_Ta0MsUI/AAAAAAAASG4/sQvrY_iEq1c/s1600/IMG_1604.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-y5-PjNkdrVs/VSJ_Ta0MsUI/AAAAAAAASG4/sQvrY_iEq1c/s1600/IMG_1604.PNG" height="400" width="223" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Q-aXTWgwWOw/VSJ_Ttwk8ZI/AAAAAAAASHc/1UMG3lp0k-E/s1600/IMG_1622.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Q-aXTWgwWOw/VSJ_Ttwk8ZI/AAAAAAAASHc/1UMG3lp0k-E/s1600/IMG_1622.PNG" height="400" width="223" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mZCZmg7QfR0/VSJ_URIePmI/AAAAAAAASHQ/Mew6r3-OErA/s1600/IMG_1629.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mZCZmg7QfR0/VSJ_URIePmI/AAAAAAAASHQ/Mew6r3-OErA/s1600/IMG_1629.PNG" height="400" width="223" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Keep in mind that most of these are names my children picked.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
If there is a Hell, we are all certainly going to it.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
I didn't take a screenshot of player names like "Anal Secretion" and "Nickelblech."<br />
<br />
I regret some of my decisions.<br />
<br />
Then you get the question, and the submitted answers from the players (one answer is always the truth). Here's what THAT looks like in my house:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qNh50rQ6jd0/VSJ_TO4PGOI/AAAAAAAASGs/SQablRLuvzc/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qNh50rQ6jd0/VSJ_TO4PGOI/AAAAAAAASGs/SQablRLuvzc/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg" height="232" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
So, that's what it looks like with the answers submitted and the missing word.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
"Waxing his butthole" was mine. Yes, we are still playing with my children at this time. Yet another reason why they will need therapy at some point, I'm sure. The correct answer there was 'heroin.'</div>
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<br /></div>
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Here's another example:</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yAO95MjbS0w/VSJ_TLY9d0I/AAAAAAAASG8/sC-DBcUB2vo/s1600/IMG_1603.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yAO95MjbS0w/VSJ_TLY9d0I/AAAAAAAASG8/sC-DBcUB2vo/s1600/IMG_1603.JPG" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
The 'your mom' one never fails to kill me. I will laugh for 10 minutes straight.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
On a side note, you'd be amazed at how many of these questions where <i>'your mom...OHHHH!</i>' actually works as an answer.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Here's an example of the the correct answer, 'Cry' being shown - but with our other submissions listed:</div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iLSQW17354M/VSJ_TJ6cJ3I/AAAAAAAASGw/_k6bQ-cNF0A/s1600/FullSizeRender2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iLSQW17354M/VSJ_TJ6cJ3I/AAAAAAAASGw/_k6bQ-cNF0A/s1600/FullSizeRender2.jpg" height="181" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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My submission was 'saw a woman in half.'</div>
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<br /></div>
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No one picked it. I'm not sure why.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Also not sure why 'Your Mom..OHHHHH' wasn't submitted here, either.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
It fits perfectly. Just like Your M-</div>
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<br /></div>
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Never mind.</div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-75912498571685945532015-03-30T10:59:00.001-04:002015-03-30T10:59:38.203-04:00You know you wanna...Before I get to writing my new post, just wanted to let you all know that the pre-sale for my upcoming book, <a href="http://www.rodneylacroix.com/romantic-as-hell-the-scoop-on-my-latest-book/" target="_blank">"Romantic as Hell"</a> will be going on VERY VERY shortly!!<br />
<br />
If you're interested in getting an advanced copy of the PDF (unfinished) and would like to give it a review on your website/blog, you can sign up by clicking this link:<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1n8TJMBF4aIswULbTOERsIEajt583guKf8NfRr8gpqsQ/viewform" target="_blank">CLICK THIS LINK AND BECOME IMMORTAL</a>*</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">*immortality totally not guaranteed, FYI</span><br />
<b><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></b>
FYI, by going there and signing up, you'll get a sneak peek at the cover of the book and, I have to tell you, it's pretty fucking phenomenal. Probably because I didn't make it this time.<br />
<br />
Hope to see you there! If you know anyone that does book reviews or would also like a copy for their blog, please share the link!<br />
<br />
Stay tuned for an upcoming real post.<br />
<br />
We now return you to your regularly scheduled whatever.<div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-59187957520377550242015-03-23T08:51:00.001-04:002015-03-23T08:52:00.923-04:00of trampolines and white trashWe took the kids to an indoor trampoline park the other day.<br />
<br />
If you've never heard of these, they are basically ginormous places where you spend $15 per kid to have them jump on trampolines for an hour and exhaust themselves to they can fall asleep around 6 pm.<br />
<br />
It is SO WORTH IT.<br />
<br />
We arrived at the trampoline place and found it packed. We all took our coats off and the kids took their shoes off and we promptly claimed a table by piling everything up on and under it.<br />
<br />
Off the kids went.<br />
<br />
The wife and I followed to go watch. She watched the kids while I watched all the moms jumping around with their own.<br />
<br />
Boobs are funny when they flippity flop.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-H1q0JjS9Prg/VRAJmL0D0qI/AAAAAAAASGM/vSkmc9LCGkw/s1600/what%2Bthe.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-H1q0JjS9Prg/VRAJmL0D0qI/AAAAAAAASGM/vSkmc9LCGkw/s1600/what%2Bthe.png" height="233" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
There was an area where the kids were able to joust "American Gladiator" style by standing on a beam over a foam pit and try to bash the other kid off using giant foam Q-tips. This was awesome, although I did get reprimanded by the attendant for yelling "NO MERCY" and "HEAD SHOT! GO FOR THE HEAD!" about 200 times.<br />
<br />
We're a competitive family.<br />
<br />
The wife and I decided to go sit down because at our age standing up for longer than 3 minutes at a time is probably unhealthy.<br />
<br />
I'm not a doctor.<br />
<br />
As we approached the table, we noticed two women had commandeered it. They were sitting in front of our coats and on the bench over all the shoes. My wife, mind you, had tested and passed for her green belt just the day before and was pretty sore. I was also pretty sore because of the 'no sex before a fight rule' and now I was looking at a good few days of no-nookie because she could barely move. My balls were killing me at this point.<br />
<br />
"This is our stuff," my wife said to the women.<br />
<br />
"This is ours," she said, pointing at OUR OWN COATS.<br />
<br />
"Um...no," my wife continued. "These are our coats."<br />
<br />
"Well, ours are over there," the woman said, pointing to coats on the other side of the table on the bench seat. "You can sit there."<br />
<br />
"I think I'll sit here," and then my wife sat down.<br />
<br />
Let me rephrase this.<br />
<br />
My wife sat down PRESSED UP RIGHT NEXT TO THE WOMAN.<br />
<br />
It was at this point that the woman seated right next to my wife began using words as "rude," and "bitch" and then - the kicker - "white trash."<br />
<br />
My wife looked at me, fresh from her Kenpo test and said, "white trash?"<br />
<br />
Uh oh.<br />
<br />
The verbal argument that ensued between the two of them escalated when the OTHER woman started pointing at my wife.<br />
<br />
"Why would you call me 'white trash,'" my wife asked. "You don't even KNOW ME."<br />
<br />
"I know you're rude. I'm calling the cops."<br />
<br />
This was getting good. Two women going at it. In my silence, I was trying to hide, like, the biggest boner.<br />
<br />
After a minute of the back-and-forth, I could hold my silence no longer.<br />
<br />
"White trash?" I said. "Really?"<br />
<br />
I said this, looking at the two women, both in black jeans with greasy curly hair. They had really thick Boston accents (I have one, too) which didn't make their case any better.<br />
<br />
"What are you?" one of the women said, "A midget?"<br />
<br />
"I prefer dwarf."<br />
<br />
"Go away, shrimp," the first woman said.<br />
<br />
"I won't take insults from someone with Jeri-Curl hair."<br />
<br />
"WHAT?" she said...and then...<br />
<br />
"That's disriminitative. Jeri curl."<br />
<br />
Um.<br />
<br />
Huh?<br />
<br />
I looked at her and crouched down to her seated level.<br />
<br />
"Discriminitative isn't even a word."<br />
<br />
My wife, at this point, got up and grabbed everything to move as the first woman pretend-called the police.<br />
<br />
"Come on," my wife said.<br />
<br />
"I can't. I'm being discriminitative. I have to find out what this means first."<br />
<br />
But, my wife was right. We should probably move. I always hate being accused of discriminitative verbostitatiousness.<br />
<br />
On the bright side, no one was killed. My wife didn't end up in jail.<br />
<br />
And the kids were all asleep by 6 PM.<br />
<br />
Like I said, so worth it.<div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-21599202282821000062015-03-16T13:56:00.001-04:002015-03-16T13:56:03.501-04:00Cover MeThe breaking news of late is that my third book should be coming out this Spring!<br />
<br />
It's called, <a href="http://www.rodneylacroix.com/romantic-as-hell-the-scoop-on-my-latest-book/" target="_blank">"Romantic as Hell - Tales of Woe, Tips of Woo."</a><br />
<br />
As it stands right now, it's in the hands of my editor and then off to <a href="http://rcgpublishing.com/" target="_blank">my publisher</a> for final formatting.<br />
<br />
However...<br />
<br />
There stands the issue of the cover.<br />
<br />
I've come up with a couple of ideas, none of which I'm completely sold on. Here are some that I came up with on my own for the front:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Eueu0HSBF4o/VQcX_XkpetI/AAAAAAAASFw/0WA03bhi7XU/s1600/cover%2Bidea%2B2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Eueu0HSBF4o/VQcX_XkpetI/AAAAAAAASFw/0WA03bhi7XU/s1600/cover%2Bidea%2B2.jpg" height="400" width="298" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-D8ip_qqNOpI/VQcYAXlqgkI/AAAAAAAASF4/UK-f-GTddBU/s1600/new%2Bcover%2Bidea-page-001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-D8ip_qqNOpI/VQcYAXlqgkI/AAAAAAAASF4/UK-f-GTddBU/s1600/new%2Bcover%2Bidea-page-001.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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Personally, I like the second one better.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I also had another idea of a woman's foot in a red high heel shoe stepping on a teddy bear for the front, and another shot of her stepping on a heart-shaped box of chocolates for the back.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
However, my wife refuses to be a foot model and mine are hairy. Also, my pumps are, like, SO OLD.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I've said too much.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Another idea is to have a teddy bear tied to an archery target, with flaming arrows surrounding him.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
As you can tell, the book is pretty anti-teddy bear.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
If any of you want to throw some ideas my way, have at it. I'm always open to suggestions, especially if the suggestion includes alcohol. If you're good at PhotoShop or any graphics program, and want to give it a go, I can give you an acknowledgement in the back of the book and promise you a signed copy of the book, plus the usual praises in your general direction, etc., etc.</div>
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-8095784813250884992015-03-09T08:47:00.001-04:002015-03-09T08:47:15.102-04:00I'm being bullied by Apple.In my cubicle, I have a Mac Powerbook that I use for testing.<br />
<br />
Yes, I'm a software quality assurance engineer.<br />
<br />
This is exactly why none of your shit works and your computer reboots every 30 seconds.<br />
<br />
The Mac has a screen saver that scrolls dictionary words across and then pauses on certain ones. Whenever I happen to look over at it, it's always shit like this:<br />
<br />
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</div>
<br />
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</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hpFWF_cIp4g/VP2VyYspEtI/AAAAAAAASFM/hT1QmErBFe4/s1600/brusque.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hpFWF_cIp4g/VP2VyYspEtI/AAAAAAAASFM/hT1QmErBFe4/s1600/brusque.JPG" height="157" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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Okay. I suppose that one makes sense.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Next:</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1VQezpK5we4/VP2VyDHYl2I/AAAAAAAASFQ/Mb7PbxGr6QU/s1600/offbeat.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1VQezpK5we4/VP2VyDHYl2I/AAAAAAAASFQ/Mb7PbxGr6QU/s1600/offbeat.JPG" height="229" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I wouldn't say I'm exactly offbeat, but more like, 'peculiar' or 'really muscly and attractive.'<br />
<br />
Finally:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fdqvAdbfhiQ/VP2VyHxvY1I/AAAAAAAASFI/__I4r9yuo4M/s1600/slacker.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fdqvAdbfhiQ/VP2VyHxvY1I/AAAAAAAASFI/__I4r9yuo4M/s1600/slacker.JPG" height="193" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
It's at this point that I'm thinking the laptop has become self-aware and is actually watching me.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Either that, or my boss programmed it since, you know, I'm typing this at work.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-76047840716151207252015-03-05T07:59:00.002-05:002015-03-05T07:59:30.615-05:00I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack - kinda<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JREq_FFRauQ/VPhTFExba5I/AAAAAAAASEc/bMVnx1igOvY/s1600/too%2Bmuch%2Baftershave.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JREq_FFRauQ/VPhTFExba5I/AAAAAAAASEc/bMVnx1igOvY/s1600/too%2Bmuch%2Baftershave.jpg" height="178" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
Well,<br />
<br />
It's been a while and a lot has gone on in the Lacroix household.<br />
<br />
That said, I've now got my own website and domain, dedicated to my books and videos and news. You can find me here:<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://rodneylacroix.com/">RodneyLacroix.com</a></span></b><br />
<b><br /></b>
My new book, <i>"Romantic as Hell"</i> is just about ready for final formatting and has been sent off to my publisher, so STAY TUNED.<br />
<br />
I'll be posting here as well from time to time now that I'm back on the scene and everything has settled down a bit. Hopefully you're all still out there and interested in the stupid shit I have to say or show you.<br />
<br />
*flashes penis*<br />
<br />
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-17566753742048769622014-05-26T08:25:00.000-04:002014-05-26T08:25:00.136-04:00We now interrupt this regularly scheduled blog...Confession: This post has been a long time coming.<br />
<br />
Until further notice, "Mental Poo" is going on a hiatus.<br />
<br />
This is a really hard paragraph for me to write because I know there are a LOT of you out there who may be new readers or faithful fans and followers.<br />
<br />
To those of you who have been with me for the last OHMYGOD 6 years or so of this blog, I'm sure you've noticed that - well - it's just not the same around here any more. The stories have turned to pictures. There is very little text.<br />
<br />
I think, in large part, it's because I'm just not feeling funny here any more.<br />
<br />
Back when I started this blog, I had a lot of stories to tell. A LOT of them. And I told them in a shitty style with bizarre pictures and people came and read and laughed.<br />
<br />
That doesn't happen much any more. I think the fact that the blog is a dying art, and I've turned my attention to writing books, is a major part of that. PLUS, I have an actual REAL job that I'm trying to keep - so finding the time and material to do this is getting more difficult.<br />
<br />
Truth be told, there is a LOT going on in my personal life that I DON'T put out on Twitter or Facebook or this blog. Everyone has their demons to deal with, and mine are sapping my desire to write on a daily or even weekly basis.<br />
<br />
Once upon a time I wrote SO MUCH that I was scheduled out with posts 4 months in advance. Right now, I have 3 posts that were scheduled.<br />
<br />
3.<br />
<br />
I start my mornings tired. I go through my day mentally exhausted. My nights are sleepless. My stress and anxiety is off the charts. There is so much I wish I could tell you, but I can't. Depression? Probably. Anxiety? Definitely. Stress? Oh fuck yes.<br />
<br />
Suffice it to say, my wife is amazing and supportive and I'm lucky to have found her. But there's so much more going on that even she feels the stress and strain of it all.<br />
<br />
So, until things - hopefully - start taking a turn for me, I'm going to need to focus on getting myself back in order. <br />
<br />
That will probably take some time.<br />
<br />
Please note that I am STILL on Twitter and Facebook (you can find the links on the side) and have managed to move most of my funny over to those mediums because I have a short attention span and like chocolate.<br />
<br />
You can also check me out on Amazon - where I currently have 2 best selling comedy books and 3 more in the works. No shit.<br />
<br />
That said, I'm closing up shop here for a while, but PLEASE KNOW that I love each and every one of you.<br />
<br />
Except you, Jim, from Accounting. I still think you're an asshole.<br />
<br />
Moog out.<br />
<div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-1050558359775294482014-05-19T08:30:00.000-04:002014-05-19T08:30:00.026-04:00Two Funny Brains and the Shampoo VideoI was asked - once again - by the VERY funny ladies over at <a href="http://twofunnybrains.com/" target="_blank">Two Funny Brains</a> to do a video for them regarding a 'Man's Take' on things.<br />
<br />
They call the segment "Men on Women" but my idea for a video with that title is WAY different than what they wanted.<br />
<br />
So I made them a video like they asked.<br />
<br />
Here you go - click <a href="http://youtu.be/b3WQ6a-CcUc">this link if you can't see the embedded video</a>:<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/b3WQ6a-CcUc" width="420"></iframe><br />
<br />
Seriously. No one needs to be that clean.<br />
<br />
If you're looking for my <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4k9X_XOO0o&feature=c4-overview-vl&list=PLjM3r8Fttr3bxs8Z1gUdlWO6Tq7ZDT7ao" target="_blank">first video - about PILLOWS - you can find it right here</a>.<br />
<br />
Check out <a href="http://twofunnybrains.com/" target="_blank">the ladies</a>, follow them on <a href="https://twitter.com/twofunnybrains" target="_blank">Twitter</a> and like them on <a href="http://www.facebook.com/twofunnybrains" target="_blank">Facebook</a>.<br />
<br />
..and stay tuned..because they've asked me to do more videos.<div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-47414023880546381612014-05-12T09:00:00.000-04:002014-05-12T09:00:07.645-04:00Now if only my books would disappear off the shelves.When I went to Vegas a couple of months ago, I was introduced to the amazing comedy magician, <a href="http://murraysawchuck.com/" target="_blank">Murray Sawchuck.</a><br />
<br />
Sure, his hair is a bit odd, but he's married to a Playboy Playmate so...<br />
<br />
<i>*dyes hair and adds 14 pounds of gel while learning to saw the neighbor's dog in half*</i><br />
<br />
Murray performs in Vegas at the Tropicana (2 years and going) and is a regular on the <a href="http://www.history.com/shows/pawn-stars" target="_blank">History Channel's show, "Pawn Stars."</a><br />
<br />
That said, Murray got a copy of my latest book and, well...<br />
<br />
<a href="http://youtu.be/iOn0pYBUyF4" target="_blank">THIS:</a><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/iOn0pYBUyF4" width="420"></iframe></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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How effing cool is THAT?!?!</div>
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<br /></div>
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Please feel free to share the link to the video and friend Murray on Twitter and Facebook. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<a href="http://www.troplv.com/las-vegas/shows-entertainment/murray-magic-show" target="_blank">MOST OF ALL, if you're in Vegas, GO SEE HIM.</a></div>
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<br /></div>
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The guys is truly amazing.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>THANKS, MURRAY!</b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>*throws smoke bomb and trips over own feet while trying to make hasty exit*</i></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-69401757180134375842014-05-05T08:30:00.000-04:002014-05-05T08:30:04.648-04:00No Shit, WebMDBack when I had chest congestion and the <a href="http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com/2011/01/what-plancks-constant-has-to-do-with.html">only thing Google could help me with was whether or not I knew complex equations involving quantum mechanics</a>, I decided to try my hand at the old standby:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">WebMD.</span><br />
<br />
Everyone knows that you don't use the Internet to look up shit like <span style="font-style: italic;">"sniffles"</span> because what will come back in the results is shit like <span style="font-style: italic;">"OH FUCK you have Ebola"</span> or <span style="font-style: italic;">"it's obviously syphilis, you hideous crack whore"</span> but I figured I'd give it a shot because this technology has to have gotten better, right?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">RIGHT?</span><br />
<br />
Here's what came up when I picked <span style="font-style: italic;">'nasal congestion'</span> as my symptom:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_F74vJj-Clzk/TVGI-6bBc-I/AAAAAAAALq4/gvVOLTPHyCE/s1600/ricin%2Bpoisoning.png" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_F74vJj-Clzk/TVGI-6bBc-I/AAAAAAAALq4/gvVOLTPHyCE/s1600/ricin%2Bpoisoning.png" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571384828449879010" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><br />
Oh what the Hell.<br />
<br />
Personally, I'd take the <span style="font-style: italic;">"crack whore"</span> insult over being the incurable victim of what is, apparently, a deliberate terrorist attack using castor beans.<br />
<br />
Way to encourage me to up my Xanax prescription, assholes.<br />
<br />
This is when I realize that WebMD changed their format so you could just plug in any combination of symptoms and they tailor the results so I just started randomly picking some stuff to see how ridiculous things got.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_F74vJj-Clzk/TVGf8358oxI/AAAAAAAALrI/mZU4-9YU7g8/s1600/no%2Bshit%2Bwebmd%2B1.png" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_F74vJj-Clzk/TVGf8358oxI/AAAAAAAALrI/mZU4-9YU7g8/s1600/no%2Bshit%2Bwebmd%2B1.png" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571410082181980946" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><br />
Thank <span style="font-weight: bold;">GOD</span> for this service because under no circumstance would I ever think that the fact I haven't eaten in two days was the cause of my <span style="font-weight: bold;">HUNGER</span>.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_F74vJj-Clzk/TVGg3E6K26I/AAAAAAAALrQ/7cGHhKCzapk/s1600/no%2Bshit%2Bwebmd%2B2.png" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_F74vJj-Clzk/TVGg3E6K26I/AAAAAAAALrQ/7cGHhKCzapk/s1600/no%2Bshit%2Bwebmd%2B2.png" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571411082104986530" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><br />
<span style="font-style: italic;">"Hey, you know what's weird?"</span><br />
<br />
"What?"<br />
<br />
<span style="font-style: italic;">"I've been lifting heavy weights for, like, 3 years now and for some reason I have muscle growth."</span><br />
<br />
"Dude. Don't fuck around with that shit. You need to see a doctor or at least look that up on the Internet. The longer you wait, the more muscular you'll probably get."<br />
<br />
<span style="font-style: italic;">"Hold me."</span><br />
<br />
The Hell.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_F74vJj-Clzk/TVGiksqhIVI/AAAAAAAALrY/wdFls3VWQCI/s1600/no%2Bshit%2Bwebmd%2B3.png" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_F74vJj-Clzk/TVGiksqhIVI/AAAAAAAALrY/wdFls3VWQCI/s1600/no%2Bshit%2Bwebmd%2B3.png" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571412965382496594" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><br />
Maybe I'm underestimating the effects of narcotics, but I'm pretty sure that if you take Ecstasy and the Ecstasy makes you giddy, the fact that you're giddy is - in all likelihood - THE FACT THAT YOU TOOK ECSTASY.<br />
<br />
Either that, or you're bipolar. Now you know.<br />
<br />
Stop yelling and laughing at me.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_F74vJj-Clzk/TVL2tQ9hfdI/AAAAAAAALrg/xJUcIPQd8XM/s1600/no%2Bshit%2Bwebmd%2B4.png" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_F74vJj-Clzk/TVL2tQ9hfdI/AAAAAAAALrg/xJUcIPQd8XM/s1600/no%2Bshit%2Bwebmd%2B4.png" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571786946518285778" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">SPIDER!</span><br />
<br />
Just checking.<br />
<br />
I know you're all thinking the same thing I am which is, <span style="font-style: italic;">"My GOD. How do you look so good, Rodney?"</span> but I think the bigger question here is, <span style="font-style: italic;">"What the Christ is a 'Jumping Frenchman?'"</span><br />
<br />
Of course if you Google this crap you come up with this:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_F74vJj-Clzk/TVL5hYxGwCI/AAAAAAAALro/4pxkTn4MphQ/s1600/guy_jumping.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_F74vJj-Clzk/TVL5hYxGwCI/AAAAAAAALro/4pxkTn4MphQ/s1600/guy_jumping.jpg" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571790040990138402" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><br />
I don't think this is right.<br />
<br />
I'm pretty sure if you were dancing and a French guy landed on your face you'd not <span style="font-weight: bold;">only</span> be fully aware of this but would also have a tough time seeing the computer to go on WebMd in the first place so I checked their glossary instead.<br />
<br />
Turns out this is <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jumping_Frenchmen_of_Maine">some weird mental disorder</a> and has nothing to do with ballet dancers sitting on your face.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">DISAPPOINTING.</span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_F74vJj-Clzk/TVL7VeJZGBI/AAAAAAAALr4/mbdXtpw38PU/s1600/no%2Bshit%2Bwebmd%2B5a.png" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_F74vJj-Clzk/TVL7VeJZGBI/AAAAAAAALr4/mbdXtpw38PU/s1600/no%2Bshit%2Bwebmd%2B5a.png" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571792035299006482" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><br />
Whoa.<br />
<br />
Talk about hitting home.<br />
<br />
I'm looking at these conditions, though, and none of them seem right. Maybe with some editing...<br />
<br />
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_F74vJj-Clzk/TVL7VMmlb2I/AAAAAAAALrw/NQlQOOom3uM/s1600/no%2Bshit%2Bwebmd%2B5b.png" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_F74vJj-Clzk/TVL7VMmlb2I/AAAAAAAALrw/NQlQOOom3uM/s1600/no%2Bshit%2Bwebmd%2B5b.png" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571792030589611874" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><br />
There. That's better.<br />
<br />
Still doesn't explain my friggin' sniffles, though.<br />
<br />
Anyone want some castor beans?<div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-84006005952364037962014-04-28T09:00:00.000-04:002014-04-28T09:00:04.285-04:00Because Dog Shit is More Fun if it's got RhythmMy dog is pretty regular.<br />
<br />
He poops in the morning. He poops at night. He's a lot like me in that regards, but unlike me in that I can't reach my genitals to lick them.<br />
<br />
:(<br />
<br />
Every morning I take my dog out to do his morning doodie. This means that I'm wandering around with some poop bags as my little dog searches for 3 hours to find the perfect spot to take a shit. Usually this involves smelling other dog shit that people didn't pick up.<br />
<br />
On a related note, I'm really glad I don't have to do this. I can't imagine thinking, <i>"Man. I really have to drop a loaf. I hope someone forgot to flush so I have some motivation."</i><br />
<br />
Regardless, I often find myself singing to the dog as he starts crapping.<br />
<br />
I don't know why. It just..it just happens.<br />
<br />
What do I sing?<br />
<br />
Well, this is where I become the creepy guy in the neighborhood because I'm out there alone, in the silence of the New England mornings, rewriting song lyrics to make them about dog shit and belting them out at 7 am.<br />
<br />
Here are some examples of what you may catch me singing on any given morning (with sample lyrics if applicable):<br />
<br />
<b>Billy Idol: "White Wedding"</b><br />
It's a...nice day for a...brown poopy...<br />
It's a...nice day to..CRAP AGAAAAIIIIINNN..<br />
<br />
<b>Cinderella: "Don't Know What You've Got Til It's Gone"</b><br />
My dog took a crap<br />
On a lawwwwwn....<br />
Some were little nuggets<br />
But one was looooooong...<br />
<br />
<b>Salt-N-Peppa: "Push It"</b><br />
<i>That one is self-explanatory</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>AC/DC: "For Those About to Rock"</b><br />
For those about to poop...FIRE!<br />
*makes fart noise*<br />
WE SALUTE YOUUUUUU!<br />
<br />
<b>(generic cheerleading chant)</b><br />
Squish it out<br />
Squish it out<br />
Waaaaaaaay out<br />
<br />
<b>Drowning Pool: "Bodies"</b><br />
<i>(whisper) </i>Let the poopy hit the lawn<br />
<i>(whisper) </i>Let the poopy hit the lawn<br />
<i>(whisper) </i>Let the poopy hit the lawn<br />
<i>(whisper) </i>Let the poopy hit the...<i>(make 2 cymbal sounds)</i><br />
<i>(Yell)</i> LAAAAAWWWWNNN<br />
<br />
So there you go.<br />
<br />
Feel free to use any of these while you're walking your own dog but, I can't be the ONLY one who does this, can I?<br />
<br />
CAN I?!?!<br />
<br />
Maybe I can be.<div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-63307987476460184302014-04-21T08:30:00.000-04:002014-04-21T08:30:01.069-04:00My badly Photoshopped celebrity dog - part 2So, turns out I have a new hobby.<br />
<br />
If you've seen my LOLJax posters and my previous "Jax as a celebrity" post, you know that I enjoy turning my dog into a sarcastic little shit.<br />
<br />
Now I've taken it one step further and have started putting him into movie situations.<br />
<br />
You're welcome.<br />
<br />
Can you guess the movies or situations?!? GOOD LUCK!<br />
<br />
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Admittedly, some of these are pretty scary.</div>
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Also admittedly, all of them suck really badly.</div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527727.post-34263194752045162192014-04-14T09:00:00.001-04:002014-04-14T09:00:02.013-04:00The Story my Son Wrote<i>My son did some free writing in school recently and was anxious to have me read it. He's 10 and - I have to say - his writing skills are far above what mine are today.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I'm so jealous.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>That said, I died laughing when I read this and told him I would re-write it and post it. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Did I mention he's way funnier than I am, too? Such a turd.</i><br />
<i><br />I hope you enjoy it. FYI, it's a little out there, but put yourself in the mind of a 10-year old and it all makes sense. Not really. Not really at all. But please enjoy it anyway. I did.</i><br />
<br />
*************<br />
<br />
<b>ZOMBIES!</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
That's how I woke up. It's the year 2074 and there are zombies EVERYWHERE! The virus started when fat-headed aliens decided to take over the earth by wiping out all of humanity. Which probably means it's not the best thing that I'm the last survivor. It's now technically my job to wipe out one giant alien ship at a time, trying to find the one that will turn everyone back to normal. I mean, I'm on one of those ships right now.<br />
<br />
Well, let's get to the story...<br />
<br />
"Okay, I have ten minutes until this thing enters hyperspeed!" I screamed, holding onto the top of the moving, giant, metal alien ship.<br />
<br />
I leaped off the ship, timing the grenade I had planted. The explosion blew just seconds after I jumped, and my vision of an epic jump-explosion-behind-me-thingy had finally come true.<br />
<br />
The power from the explosion made me front-flip uncontrollably towards the paved road. Just to tell you, zombies are attracted to loud noises. Coincidentally, I slammed into a car, setting of it's alarm. The car sounded like a screaming snail, so I named it 'da snail car.' I skidded across the tar, leaving a massive cloud of dust.<br />
<br />
I thought, "Hey! I'm gonna be okay!"<br />
<br />
That was, until, my head smashed into the brick wall of a..I think it was a bank. Anyway, everything started to go white. LUCKILY I have two more lives!<br />
<br />
Wait. Maybe I don't.<br />
<br />
I think I've been playing too many video games...<br />
<br />
....<br />
<br />
It was very relaxing, being dead and all. Everything is white. No zombies, no aliens. Just peace and quiet and me hovering around. As I looked around, I noticed there were two rips in the white - one above and one below me. Fire spewed out of the bottom one, and the top had a godly glow.<br />
<br />
I made swimming motions to the one that I believed was Heaven.<br />
<br />
Almost...there...<br />
<br />
R-I-I-I-I-I-P!!!<br />
<br />
A new tear was ripped open next to me!<br />
<br />
I attempted to fly-swim away from it, but the new tear started to pull me in!<br />
<br />
After a while of trying to get away, I got tired and ate some chips before trying to swim away again. I always carry a bag of chips with me in case of emergencies. Then I gave up on swimming because I'm very weak and tire easily. I mean, I ate more chips but they didn't help. CURSE YOU, POTATO CHIPS! I accidentally dropped my potato chips and the bag started to float away. Watching it leave, I started to tear up. I burst into tears and started to scream, "WHY?!?!? THEY WERE SO YOUNG!"<br />
<br />
Then, a Mr. T with angel wings and a halo floated over to me.<br />
<br />
He slapped me and yelled, "GET AHOLD OF YO-SELF, FOO!"<br />
<br />
Then he disappeared.<br />
<br />
I stopped crying and flew into the tear...<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
I woke up, opening my eyes and finding myself staring at a dead, legless zombie (the crawler) and a man standing above me. I was on a chair with quite a bad headache. There was no blood on me, so the man must've washed it off. Then he walked away and came back with...OMG MY CHIPS! He handed the bag to me, and I started to cry.<br />
<br />
"I..I missed you so much!" I whispered so softly, he couldn't hear.<br />
<br />
"I love chips," I said.<br />
<br />
The man handed me an axe and said, "You're gonna need it." He picked up a sledge hammer and hoisted it onto his shoulder.<br />
<br />
"So," he said, "How did you get stuck in a window?"<br />
<br />
"Well, spaceship incident," I replied. "So...what's your name?"<br />
<br />
"Anthony. Anthony Baloney" he said. "And yours?"<br />
<br />
"Cam. Cam McMuffin," I replied while putting on some sweet looking shades.<br />
<br />
Suddenly, the ground shook, and there was a loud crackling noise from the ceiling. The roof was ripped clean off and green gases started filling the room.<br />
<br />
"Wow. How convenient is THAT" I said, pointing to two gas masks behind the front desk. He grabbed them and we ran off.<br />
<br />
We ran. FAST.<br />
<br />
"I haven't run that fast in my life," I said, panting.<br />
<br />
"Ohhhh, great. ZOMBEHS! More zombies!" Anthony said.<br />
<br />
All the zombies turned their heads in our direction.<br />
<br />
"We need to run," he said.<br />
<br />
"NO! NOT MORE RUNNING!" I shouted.<br />
<br />
Then a big, "HELLLOOOOOO" was heard.<br />
<br />
I turned toward the sound. My friend, Ryan, was here! He wasn't dead! Ryan started to come towards us, but then he tripped. Then a boulder fell on him. Then a meteor. Then a really fat guy. Then a spaceship. Then a baby for some reason. Then part of the planet Krypton. Then a really fat baby. Then, finally, he was drenched with some chicken noodle soup.<br />
<br />
"I'm okay!" he said.<br />
<br />
"PIGGY BACK RIDE!" I screamed excitedly, as I jumped on the pile.<br />
<br />
*CRACK*<br />
<br />
His back cracked. I climbed off.<br />
<br />
Suddenly, a NIFO (Now Identified Flying Object) flew over Ryan and a big sign appeared in the sky that said:<br />
<br />
"The zombies are rising."<br />
<br />
"Oh my G-O-S-H," I said.<br />
<br />
"Cam?"<br />
<br />
"Yes?"<br />
<br />
"We. Are. Dead."<br />
<br />
The NIFO shot out a green beam and started to suck up the pile of stuffs piled on top of Ryan.<br />
<br />
"Watch out for the purple beam!" shouted Anthony.<br />
<br />
"That's a green beam," I replied.<br />
<br />
"Oh, yeah. I'm colorblind."<br />
<br />
Anthony ran out of the way screaming "RUUUUUN" which is what I did and immediately fell flat on my face because running is terrible and I was still tired.<br />
<br />
The NIFO started floating towards me. I thought I was done for.<br />
<br />
That's when, quite suddenly, Angel Mr. T flew over my head, rainbows flying out of his feet like a jet. He snapped the NIFO in half, threw away one half and ate the other.<br />
<br />
"MM. It tastes liek cheeps" he said.<br />
<br />
I rocketed up, rainbows coming out of my own feet.<br />
<br />
"CHIPS??!?" I screamed. I flew after the one he threw, caught it and ate it.<br />
<br />
I love chips.<br />
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com</div>Moooooog35http://www.blogger.com/profile/13283153659252782869noreply@blogger.com1