Angela Lansbury Beats Naked Pooing Lady

You know...

...sometimes I look at my own post titles and just shake my head.

Other times, I just shake my head without looking at the titles.

Stupid lice.

And, no - this isn't another 'Ripped from the Headlines' post.

Although, holy fuckshit...

....wouldn't that be the coolest friggin' headline ever?

***********************

New York Times:

Angela Lansbury Beats Naked Pooing Lady

***********************

(click to enlarge...that's what she said):


YouTube servers would be shitting the bed left and right serving up that video.

Mostly to my computer, but whatever.

I've digressed.

The results of my latest poll are in!

Here was the question:

What's the Weirdest Search my Site Comes Up In?

94 of you voted.

Yes - 94.

This is BY FAR the most popular poll I've ever had.

This includes all the times I've said, "Yo..who wants my number?" to any chick within earshot.

To my wife, the one who actually TOOK my number after that, I say this:

SUCKA!

Don't worry, everyone. She won't think that's harsh.

She knows she made a mistake.


Now, let's look at the results.

Sixth Place (tie): Whack Poo and Whack My Wife

Um...

Someone's whacking poo?

Who the fuck is whacking poo?

Actually, who would WANT to whack poo?

I'm guessing it would splatter all over the fucking place unless you had just eaten bananas and they were the hard marble-type poop balls (click here for the full story of the smiley face poo in my page header at the top right of this page).


Are you trying to learn HOW to whack poo? Like, some kind of poo-whacking instruction booklet or some shit?

Mother of God, man.

Why?!

I'm guessing that after 'Whack Poo' and 'Whack My Wife' came this inevitable search:

Whack my wife with poo.

And, really...

...who hasn't thought about that at least once.


Fourth Place: Giant Vaginas

Dude.

If you're searching for giant vaginas, I can promise you that you've come to the wrong fucking place.

Small penises?

Absolutely.

Giant vaginas, though?

I don't see any.

Trust me, I've been looking.

Although any vagina feels gigantic to me.

Stupid small junk.


Third Place: Granny Boobs

Mental Poo: You're source for old ladies' titty bags since 2009.

I'm totally making that into a shirt.

Second Place: I want pics of a lady who is doing her poo poo and isnt wearing any bra or panty

Um...

This came in SECOND place?!

Second?

Really?

You people are fucked.

But not nearly as fucked as the guy looking for pictures of a naked chick taking a shit.

Which he'll never, ever find.

Because women don't poo.

Don't take that away from me.

Please.


And the winner....

By a single vote...

First Place: Angela Lansbury

Forgive him, Lord, he knows now what he do.

Does.

Whatever.

The poor, poor bastard.

I don't have the slightest fucking clue how someone searched for 'Angela Lansbury' and this site came up.

But I can tell you this:

That person. Will never. Be the same.


Grandpa: "What was that nice lady's name who did all the plays...and was on 'Murder She Wrote?'"

Grandma: "Angela...Lansbury. Angela Lansbury, I think."

Grandpa: "Let me Google it."

* click

It's at this point that Mental Poo appears in all it's hideous glory.

Grandpa is greeted with shit like:

Ugly Penis Chickens.

Pinky Tuscadero vulva references.

Grabby Bungholes.

Fucking ay, that's right.

Instant. Coronary.

Grandpa: "MA! You gotta see this! I Googled 'Angela Lansbury' and you know what came up?"

Grandma: "What? What came up?"

Grandpa: "That same site that came up before when I Googled 'Whack my Wife's Granny Boobs with Poo.'"

Well, I guess we've answered at least one of the above questions.

Yep.

Grandpa is one sick fuck.

Even sicker than you guys.

If you can believe that shit.

Moog out.

'Whack the Men and Poo on Him' Comes in SECOND?!?

I'm ashamed.

Not only because I'm the fastest lay in the land (*KAPOW! PING!), but for the fact that - apparently - you people don't know how to vote.

Before the holiday break, I put up a poll to keep you busy.

(that's what she said)

The poll was to vote for the weirdest search term that this site comes up in.

50 of you voted.

The rest were, apparently, spinning Dreidels and eating ham.

(probably not the same people doing both)

Hope you had fun with that.


Here are the results.

Question: What's the most disturbing search term my site shows up in?

Fifth Place (4 votes): Ass Clowns

I don't know what an 'ass clown' is or why anyone would want to search for one.

Worst. Birthday Party. Ever.


Fourth Place (tie - each with 5 votes):

- Sex Sucking Monkey

- Tied Pregnant Filled Water Tube

Um...

Sex Sucking Monkey?

I'm not sure if someone was searching for sex with a monkey who sucks...

...or searching for a monkey to suck while having sex.

Either way, my search came up empty.

Perhaps I've said too much.


Tied Pregnant Filled Water Tube?

Sit down, waterboarding! There's a new torture technique in town!

I miss John McCain.

Third Place (7 votes): Alton Brown Sex Story

I know how this got here:

Fuck Alton Brown.

Asshole.

In fact, fuck Alton Brown's asshole.

THERE. THERE'S A SEARCH I CAN LIVE WITH.

My sphincter is still bleeding from the raw turkey recipe you gave me.

Here's to you getting the same result...different method.


Second Place (8 votes): Whack the Men and Poo on Him

Hello?

SECOND PLACE?!

Jesus H. Christ.

Call me old fashioned, but I like my whacking without all the shitting on me.

And vice versa.

Never mix the two - you're just asking for a nasty, nasty clean up.

Unless we're talking about Alton Brown.

By all means...whack and poo away.

First Place (21 votes): Monkey Penis Sex Girl

If this isn't the name of a rock band yet, there's something wrong with this world.

I Googled this myself to see what came up in images.

Here's the #1 image:


Um.

Wha..?

I'm sure whoever searched for that term certainly didn't want to see a bunch of Asians attending to a sheet-covered person.

Seriously.

If there's a monkey under there having sex with a girl using his penis, we should really pull that fucking sheet off.

Like the Kinks said: "Give the People What They Want."

Unless it's an Alton Brown sex story.

No one should have to watch that shit.

I Got Nothin' but this Stubby Little Poll

I've got nothin' today.

Storm's a'comin.

I live in New Hampshire and we're expecting 8 to 12 inches today.

That's what she said.

Actually, the only way a woman would get 8 to 12 inches from me is if I somehow pulled a "Grinch"...

"...and they say that his penis grew 3 sizes that day..."

LOOK OUT, LADIES!

Nope. Nothin'.

Except that I just went downstairs to the cafeteria at work and saw some guy walking around int a Santa hat.

Is it just me, or does seeing a person in a Santa hat make you want to punch them in the fucking throat?

Jolly asshole shitfuck.

Let's see how merry you are after choking on your own blood.

Other than that, I got nothing.

However - I've posted a new "What's the most disturbing search term" poll up there on the left.

I'll be on vacation for about two weeks starting next Tuesday, so the poll will be up there for a while.

Don't worry...don't worry...

You'll get two new posts next week before I bail.

But don't expect the posts to be anywhere near 8 to 12 inches long.

I'm not that excited.

Moog out.

Women Eating Bad Ass Monkey Poo Wins!

Before I start today, I have a guest post movie review of Twilight over on Moog's Movie Reviews.

Carry on...

******************

Man...

...if this post title doesn't get me some weird f*cking search hits, I'm not sure what will.

Regardless, the result of the latest Mental Poo poll are in!

46 People Voted on the following question:

Should I show up wearing a fuzzy thong, or just the usual chipmunk costume?

Woops.

Wrong poll.

That one's for my Furries chat room.


Here are the responses to my question:

What's the most disturbing search my site comes up in?

7th Place: insert banana in your tailpipe (2 votes)

I'm not surprised here, as this is only disturbing to people who HAVEN'T stuck a banana in their ass.

And, really...how many people can THAT be?


6th Place: sick ugly old people pornography (5 votes)

This one confuses me.

I can see old people porn as being okay.

(I mean, a tit is a tit...even if it's 16 inches long)

I can even see ugly old people porn as being okay.

However, SICK ugly old people porn?

Not quite sure why people would want to see ugly old people bumping their wrinkly uglies while their oxygen tanks and breathing tubes and wheelchairs and canes and shit get in the way of the good stuff.

I mean, I want to see this shit, you know?


5th place (tie):

The following two items each got 6 votes:

tits like my moms tits

how to stop really thick poo

Ugh.

The poo one, not that disturbing. I, myself, have had this very same question.

Question: How do I stop my really thick poo?

Answer: Use your thumb. It's fatter than your other fingers.

Wow...I'm like Howto.com!


However, the "tits like my mom's tits" one freaks me out a little.

Unless you're from Kentucky or you're Pamela Anderson's kid, I can't see how you pay attention to what your mom's tits even look like.

I know what your mom's tits look like (hello...she's a chick), but not my own for chrissakes.

Personally, I only know what my mother looks like only from the neck up.

If, God forbid, she was ever in an accident and I had to identify her by her boobs or ass, she's pretty much going to the grave unclaimed as a f*cking Jane Doe.


3rd Place: testicle needle torture (7 votes)

Nothing to see here.

Let's move immediately to 2nd place before I f*cking throw up.

2nd Place: mother in law pussy (9 votes)

I'm surprised this is so high on the finish list as a 'disturbing' search term.

A mother-in-law is not in your bloodline and, therefore, falls under the same criteria as "old people porn":

A tit is a tit (unless it's your mom's...see 5th place above).

Personally, I find this only disturbing if your mother-in-law is disgusting.

However, if your mother-in-law is Demi Moore, Jane Seymour (what?) or anything above a "4" on the bang-scale, then by all means...this is totally acceptable.


1st Place: woman eating bad ass monkey poo (11 votes)

Woman eating bad ass monkey poo.

Really.

You know, when I look at these search results, I sometimes click the search to see what will actually come up in the results.

I did not click this one.

I am curious, yes....but not THAT curious.

I mean, it's one thing to Google a woman who eats monkey poo.

It's an entirely different thing when that monkey also has a f*cking bad attitude.

First place?

I'd say it's justly earned.

Thank Me Later for my Huge Poll

Just a note that you won't be seeing me around here until at least next week sometime.

I've got some stuffing to do.

(points at crotch)

You know, with it being Thanksgiving and all.

For those of you who don't live in the United States, let me explain the tradition of Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is the time of year where we celebrate the feast shared between the early Colonial settlers and the local Native Americans.

There, they shared a meal of maize (corn), turkey (wildebeest) and Stove Top Stuffing (instead of potatoes).


This occurred shortly before the colonists killed almost all of the Native Americans.

The near-genocide resulted in a law suit years later that allowed the surviving ones to open a casino anywhere they damn well pleased...

...causing thousands to become addicted to gambling.

This, in turn, caused them to become depressed, alcoholic, homeless and eventually suicidal.

Ah, the joy of it all.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

In the meantime, check out my new poll on the left.

(yes...my poll hangs slightly to the left)

Regardless, I'm sure we'll all be back with some wonderful dinner-table stories to tell.

For some reason, all conversations at my dinner table end up discussing the bowel activity - or lack thereof - of the older people.

Nothing like discussing the color and shape of your stool in between "pass the stuffing!"

I can't WAIT to get old.

Uncle Jim and my Ginormous Bunghole

Like a giant, weeping hemorrhoid...

I'm back.

Now...

For the LOVE OF CHRIST, stop covering me in medicated pads!!

Thanks in advance.


I'll get into some of the details of the vacation shortly, but today I have some business to take care of.

First, I have a new movie review of "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" over on "Moog's Movie Reviews."


For all you perverts...there's a hot picture of an animated Natalie Portman!!

Um...I guess I'm in that category.

Also while I was gone, 50 of you voted in my latest poll:

What is the most disturbing search term my site comes up in?

Here are the results in reverse order:

my winky is stinky - 1 vote (2%)

I wanna be a macchio man - 1 vote (2%)

kids eat scat - 9 votes (18%)

white see through fatty film after poop - 10 votes (20%)

fuck me uncle jim - 12 votes (24%)

open my ass up to 6 inches wide - 17 votes (34%)

Um...

How does "kids eat scat" come in almost last place?

Is this common? Does the fact that someone wants to see children eat poop not disturb you?


Drinking pee, fine.

But eating poo?!

I'm assuming it tastes similar to kissing Richard Simmons.


Also...

"Fuck me uncle jim" came in SECOND?!?!?

Maybe it's because I HAVE an "Uncle Jim" that I find this one a little worse than the "6 inch asshole" search.

I mean...really...

The MOST I've ever asked Uncle Jim to open my ass was, like, 3 inches.

6 inches is just overkill.


Also...

Catscratch Diva has bestowed upon me the following:


That's right...

According to Diva, you're looking at a 'Kickass Blogger.'

Thanks, Diva!! I've always wanted to be a kickass blogger...

...ever since just now.

With a giant, 6-inch wide kick-ass.

I love you, Uncle Jim.

Osama Would be Scarier Dressed as Ellen Degeneres

Three small things today.

(looking in pants)

First up:

Jack Black Panda Attack

If you haven't been over yet, I have a new movie review over on...

It's titled: "Phat Panda"

Yeah...it's about "Kung Fu Panda."

I know, I know...another kid movie.

However, in my defense, it has Jack Black AND Angelina Jolie in it.

Granted...they're furry and you can't see Angie's cha-cha, but it was still worth it.

Secondly: How You Like me Now?

I changed the header of this page last week.

Whatcha think?

It took me about 12 minutes to do it.

I know.

You can tell.

And, yes...that picture on the right is an actual smile of poo (click here to see it's origin).

I'm nothing if not disturbing.

Last but not Least: The Results are In!!

The results from my "What's Worse" Poll are finally in!!

Why am I the only one clapping?

Anyway...

73 people voted. Here's the tally:

What's Worse?

The China Earthquake: 8 votes

The U.S. Tornadoes: 1 vote

Having Pinkeye: 12 votes

Osama Bin Laden: 7 votes

Lindsay Lohan may be a lesbian: 7 votes

Lindsay Lohan may NOT be a lesbian: 25 votes

Osama Bin Laden with pinkeye: 13 votes

You people are F*CKED.

In a landslide victory, the fact that Lindsay Lohan may NOT be eating carpet beat out Osama Bin Laden...

(not JUST Osama Bin Laden...but Osama Bin Laden WITH PINKEYE)

...for the lead prize.

Thank you, everyone.

Glad to know I'm not alone here.



I think the "U.S Tornadoes" got one sympathy vote.

It certainly wasn't from me.

Listen...if you happen to live in "Tornado Alley"...

...don't be surprised if you get a f*cking tornado.

Idiots.


Now...I'm going back to my Lindsay Lohan Lesbian Spank-Bank for a while.

As should you.

Moog out.

Lindsay Lohan...You're Killing Us

Cutting is short today.

Actually,

...at 5-foot-2, I really have no choice.

I swear...if my 4-year old son asks me if I want a "boost" into my chair one more time, I'm gonna beat him.

Just kidding.

That kid can TOTALLY kick my ass.

Damn karate lessons.

Anyway...

First Up: Chickipedia

My friend Mike sent me this link over Instant Message the other day:

Chickipedia

Best. Site. Ever.

Besides Fat Chicks in Party Hats.

That still has my #1 vote.


Secondly: Movie Review

If you haven't been over yet, I have a new movie review over on...



It's titled:

"NO MORE PENIS!! NO MORE PENIS!!"

I know what you're thinking:

"Isn't that what his wife is yelling two minutes into sex with him?"

HA!

Funny.

F*ck off.

The joke is on YOU, my friends...

...as I never actually make it to two minutes.

Um...

Man.

I SO suck.


(I made this picture up all by myself!! Enjoy)

Anyway...the review is on the movie, "Forgetting Sarah Marshall."

Enjoy.

Last but not Least: Lindsay Lesbo Poll Update

According to the lovely "What's Worse?" poll we have on the left:

The fact that "Lindsay Lohan may NOT be a lesbian" (GASP!!) is besting "Having Pinkeye" by about 12% of the votes.

Coming in last:

Osama Bin Laden.

Nice, people.


Out of the 50+ people who've voted so far...

...MORE people think that having an itchy eye infection...

...or NOT being able to imagine Lindsay Lohan starring in "Where the Boys Aren't, #19"...

...is worse than Osama.

I'm glad we're on the same page here, people.


There's 3 days still left to vote...

..who knows..."Osama Bin Laden with Pinkeye" may make a late inning run at it.


Carry on.

Spreading it Thick

I know...I know...

You're looking at the title and thinking I'm going to be posting nude pictures of Rosie O'Donnell...

...again.

NOPE!

(keeping those in my private "masturbatory fodder" stash)

Just a few things today:

First, I’ve added a new movie review of the “Sex and the City” movie over on my other site, “Moog’s Movie Reviews.”

I’ll repost it here next week as fodder, but if you don’t want to wait…you can head over there NOW and read it.

You’ll also find all of my other movie/theater related stories over there as well.

It’s fun. I made a banner!!

Seriously...I need friends.

On a side note, if you're interested in becoming a reviewer, let me know and I'll add you as a contributor.

I'm that easy.

Secondly:

I’ve received a new award from Crystal over at "Memoirs of a Mommy."


The "Sharing the Love Award."

Personally, the only thing I think I've ever shared is a bad case of genital warts.

And no one wants to see pictures of that.

(If you do, let me know and I'll send you a signed copy)

Anyway...

Crystal I’d hereby like to offer my thanks for the award.

I’d also like to say, “seriously…it’s been, like, three months since someone gave me some type of f*cking award…what the f*ck, people?!”

Ahem.

Anyway…thank you very much.


Thirdly:

I’m giving away my own award today to two someone else who makes me laugh.

YES…ladies and gentlemen…it’s time to give away the coveted “Shart of My Heart” Award once again!


Today, the recipient of this award today is “The Blonde Goddess.”

BG is VERY funny…very good….plus, she paid me to say that.

Enjoy.

Fourthly (Quadly? Fouringly? F*CK. I believe I’m starting to invent words now):

New poll up on the left.

Enjoy it.

Or don’t.

I don't care, really....

I've got nude Rosie O'Donnell pictures that ain't gonna look at themselves.

Moog out.

The Hot Seat

So…you people like ass cooties.

Numbers don’t lie.

Well…my second poll is over and done with.

Let’s recap:

The Question:
Which Toilet Would You Choose

The Choices:

1) The warm one (with lingering ass-cooties on it)
2) The unused one, with pee (or pubes) on the seat
3) I’d rather poo my pants
4) I’m a girl, I don’t poo

Some of you may ask:

1) “Why would you ask such a stupid f*cking question?”
2) “What’s wrong with you?”
3) “Shizzazz! Why are you so damn fine?” (I also appeal to gangstas)

Well…to my regular readers, you know there are a LOT of answers to those questions.

To everyone else, this idea came to me as I’ve spent the last two weeks wrestling with bouts of explosive diarrhea that could rival the blast at Hiroshima.

Seriously…

...at one point, I poo’d and a little mushroom cloud came out of the toilet.


Anyway…

…I’ve spent more time in the bathroom than George Michael and Senator Larry Craig on a date together.


As such, I’ve had lots of time and opportunity to contemplate this conundrum.

Which toilet should I choose?

Well…76 people voted…and here are their answers:

The warm one (with lingering ass-cooties on it)	19 (25%)
The unused one, with pee (or pubes) on the seat	8 (10%)
I'd rather poo my pants.	11 (14%)
I'm a girl, I don't poo.	38 (50%)

Fourth Place:
The unused one, with pee (or pubes) on the seat: 8 votes, 10% of total.


Before we discuss this…let’s look at third place…

Third Place:
I’d rather poo my pants: 11 votes, 14% of total.

Um.

Ew?

Seriously…

...11 people out there would rather sh*t themselves then sit on a john with a short curly on it.


The only time I actually consider dropping a loaf in my briefs is when the hair on the toilet seat IS FACIAL HAIR.

You. F*cker.

SHAVE OVER THE F*CKING SINK.

Really.

If I wanted to sit on facial hair, I’d go to a f*cking gay bar.

I hope you slice your f*cking jugular, die in a puddle of blood in the handicapped stall, and have your corpse beaten by an angry mob of crippled lepers, as they violate you with their wheelchair joysticks.


The sink. Shave over the f*cking sink.

Thanks in advance.

(Ladies, if you have this same problem…you’re either in the wrong bathroom…or there’s a transvestite in your midst)

Second Place:
The warm one (with lingering ass-cooties on it): 19 votes, 25% of total.

Nice. This is also my choice.

Ass-cooties can be removed by simply licking the seat or rubbing your penis/vagina (or, for you hermaphrodites, your "penigina" or "vagenis") all over it while chanting “I like frozen pizza!!”

At least this is how I do it.


A warm seat seems to say:

“Hey, you’re not alone in having to poop today.

We’re all together in this crazy, mixed-up world.

We all share the same sky.

And some of us really had to sh*t like a f*cking horse. Wow…that thing is, like, two feet long. What the Hell did you have for dinner?”


First Place:
I’m a girl, I don’t poo: 38 votes, 50% of total.

I KNEW IT.

Poo fairies ARE REAL.


Either that, or there are a lot of chicks out there that eat too many bananas.

Seriously ladies…try some goddamn fiber.

I’m just glad I’M not a girl.

I’d HATE to NOT poo. Really…I have no idea what I’d do with that three hours a day of free time I’d have.

Well…that’s ONE reason I’m glad I’m not a girl.

The other reason is having to put a penis in my mouth.

Fool me once, dad…shame on you….fool me twice…


Anyway…

Thanks for voting!! We’ll do this again some time.

Once I get off the crapper.

The warm one, of course.

Moog out.