I saw one of those stupid fucking Jimmy Dean commercials where it has become apparent to me that retirement hasn't been good to Larry Bird or maybe that guy from 'Babe' if he's stuffing himself in a goddamn sun suit and hawking breakfast sausage sandwiches.
That'll do, pig.
That'll do.
NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM.
In this one commercial, Larry-Bird-James-Cromwell-Jimmy-Dean-Sun-Guy (LBJCJDSG) is making breakfast.
FOR HIS FAMILY.
????
How does this guy have a goddamn family?
HE IS A FLAMING BALL OF GAS.
(shout out to my dad here)
So, of course I'm sitting there and thinking shit like:
1) How does the sun possibly get laid?
2) Wouldn't his kids be, like, small stars or some shit?
3) When the sun ejaculates, is it in the form of, like, a solar flare?
4) Is his wife made of teflon? How the Hell hasn't he cauterized her vagina shut?
This is shit I think of.
Don't ask why...doctors are stumped.
But this is also why my wife hates watching television with me.
You should see what I think of when those Aflac commercials come on with that annoying duck and the black guy who's always like, 'Whadafuck I just see?'
Seriously. It's not pretty.
Just like Mrs. Sun's cauterized labia.
LMAO! LMAO! LMAO! Then I realized I am the only idiot besides you up this time of day reading this shit! I think you made me laugh so hard I peed myself.
ReplyDeleteNot The Face!! This will forever be "burned" in my mind. (yes, I did, I snuck in a pun, even after just one cup of coffee and at oh fuck it's early, I managed it)
ReplyDeleteI love your oddly shaped, warped mind!!!
I don't know whether to be annoyed or impressed with your pun captions. Maybe I'll stick to turned on.
ReplyDeleteThank you for putting into words what I think we've all been wondering! What a great, important public service you performed today!
ReplyDeleteMy bad! My bad! Oh THAT was hi-larious!
ReplyDeleteThat is too funny and I mean TOO funny, I mean it hurts funny....it better not stick with me the whole day, I won't get anything done...but wait..that might be the best excuse yet..blame you and your blog for me not getting anything done all day long...I am on to something.
ReplyDeleteYou have outdone yourself. This is freaking fantastic (in a very disturbing way.)
ReplyDeleteGiving birth to a nebula can also cause a woman to get a bad case of Asteroids. Which I recommend some tucks pads or Prep H to fix.
ReplyDeleteWow.
ReplyDeleteAnd I thought my brain didn't work straight.
This is why I keep coming back.
And I thought I was The Shittiest Astrologer in the known Universe...
ReplyDeleteMomma: Thank you. Apparently I encourage incontinence.
ReplyDeleteMrsblogalot: Funnier than shit? Wow...thanks for the..um..compliment..
?
Wicked: That'll do, Wicked. That'll do.
Ben: Don't go and get me all hot at this early hour, you tease.
Anything: It's what I do.
Sadly.
Linnn: Not for the chick, that's for sure.
sexnfries: I also use my blog as an excuse for not getting any work done.
My boss is pretty peeved.
BigSis: If I could outdo myself, I'd be home right now outdoing the crap out of me.
No idea what that means.
Euphemism FAIL.
William: I think it's Assteroids, actually.
But good point.
Mike: Welcome to my world.
It's so LOUD in here.
Shitty: See? YOU should have put this up on YOUR site ages ago. Why keep this a secret?
I LOVE THAT GUY!
ReplyDeleteThis is like porn for me.
I'm going to go masturbate with a soldering iron now. Thanks!
You leave Larry Bird the hell out of it.
ReplyDeleteI've tolerated you slamming God, Jesus and the Bible...
But you keep your dirty mind off of the greatest NBA player ever.
Oh. And "not on the face?"
That was the funniest shit of the day.
You are soooooooooooooooooooooo
ReplyDeletepunny.
Where exactly is the penis located on the sun? I'm totally pausing the dvr next time I see this commercial and finding that bitch.
ReplyDeleteWow. It must be exhausting to be your brains, what with all the existential angst and the fact the blood is always rushing south... LOL. I DO so always think the Sun guy looks like Larry Bird! But I never voiced it for fear of being ridiculed. I salute you Brave One. And the children thing... I just assumed that he's like Zeus in the Greek Mythology in which he turned himself into various animals whenever a maiden caught his fancy. He liked to turn into BULL a lot. A lot.
ReplyDeleteAnd this is why when the sun finally burns out or explodes we won't need condoms anymore.
ReplyDeleteWhy is naked Mrs. Sun a stick figure? She looks pretty corporeal in the other pictures.
ReplyDelete(This is the shit I think about.)
OMG! Moog, damnit! Now I'm not going to be able to get that out of my head. All of it. I'll need medication now. Curse you!
ReplyDeleteon a side note: Those pictures were just damn funny my friend. good job!
Okkk now THAT needs to be set to music and posted on youtube. Get busy.
ReplyDeleteYour wife is a saint; either that or she is seriously warped herself to survive living with a twisted, perverted individual like you. Do her sides ache from laughing all the time?
ReplyDeleteThis was one or your best efforts!
Two questions:
ReplyDeleteIf the purpose is to sell the sausage, you'd think they'd want to show a picture. Why is the sun hiding the sausage?
Is that a gaseous ring around Uranus?
So THAT'S how all my pubic hair got singed. Good to know.
ReplyDeleteNow THIS is what I call science.
ReplyDeleteSarah: That's a great visual. Thanks a lot.
ReplyDeleteTravis: Dude..remember..I'm from Boston. Larry Dude is an icon here. It pained me to do that.
Lilu: Reach for the stars, they say.
I have short arms.
Yvonne: It's just north of the sun spot.
Absence: That's a whole lot of stuff I didn't really need to know.
So, you know, thanks.
Don: Quick! Call Stephen Hawking!
JD: Corporeal?
She's not in an army uniform AT ALL.
wtf.
Gauche: Get it out of YOUR head? Just think what mine looks like.
Spooky.
Christine: But first, I must make the puppets!
Eva: No..her sides don't hurt from laughing.
After a while, this shit just gets annoying.
Shine: Your real name is Jimmy Dean?
I think I missed something.
Brutalism: What's funny is that the sausage is actually close to the eggs.
hiphop: "OH mr. sun..sun...mr. golden sun..please OWWWWWW!!!"
Matt: The more you know.
You're welcome. Blistering provides lubrication.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is all up in your blog now. He made me read about urinal cakes. Had never read that post before. You're a special kind of disturbed.
Miss Yvonne - isn't it obvious? The penis is a ray of sunshine.
Once again I am poised to give a wiseass comment and find myself completely speechless. Apart from that star being born illustration which made me crick something in my neck by making me spontaneously guffaw while at a weird angle. So thanks. For that. I guess.
ReplyDeleteAstronomy puns, wow. I'm really impressed right now. I knew you'd work Uranus into it somehow. Heh.
ReplyDeleteMoog, you have entirely too much time on your hands.
ReplyDeleteWe thank you.
I have never been happier not to be American - if I had to watch commercials like that every day, I would probably end up in that very special place where you seem to be blogging from. Although, I have to say, your posts are pretty damn funny so maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.
ReplyDeleteROTFLMAO- But seriously dude, I think you might have a problem. You should go get that checked out.
ReplyDeleteby far your most revolting yet
ReplyDelete'Whadafuck I just see?' hahahahahahaa
ReplyDeleteAhahahhaahHAHAHAHAHAHahahahahahha
ReplyDelete"A star is born"
OMFG. HILARIOUS!!!!!!
Blink...
ReplyDeleteGoddamn, I'm gonna watch me some weather channel.
Extra points for selecting the most nut-busting face stills for your illustrations. I'm going to see nothing but O face when those commercials play from now on. Summabitch.
ReplyDeleteI've been singing Elton John all day because of that last photo.
ReplyDelete"Don't let the su-u-un go down on me."
It's a lot more desperate in this context.
Totally made my day, I was just too lazy to click over to comment earlier. This time I actually feel sorry for the wife. I can picture the epic eye rolls (I'm really good at them myself).
ReplyDelete"Hey baby, wanna see the sun rise?"
ReplyDelete"Here comes the sun, da da da da..."
"And THAT'S what they call sun stroke."
I think I laughed so hard my kidney's exploded. Your blog seems to have that effect on my internal organs. :)
ReplyDeleteYou had me at nebula.
ReplyDeleteSilly, it is just a costume
ReplyDeleteI just worry about you moogsy. You are seriously in need of--well to be honest? that first graphic of the GIANT ball of fire with spikes pulling on a stick figure trying to do her doggy style is pretty goddamn funny.
ReplyDeleteThe fog will burn off, the skies will clear, and the sun will roll out...and all I'll think about is that post...good god...funny!
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's not a solar flare, but a "Milky way".
ReplyDeleteNah...yours is better.
DAMN IT!
Great. Now I have these images stuck in my head as well as the image of a burnt cooch.
ReplyDeleteWhy.
cauterized. labia.
ReplyDeletei think that says it all.
hahaha, very funny story. I think you can tell other funny story.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your funny story.
My biggest concern is what sun jizz tastes like... sunny d? sun chips? cinnamon?
ReplyDeleteall amazing options. I'd take some mouth burns for that trade.
to funny. I am still worked up over Maxie's response but I will now look at my sausage in a different light.
ReplyDelete