567,983.
That's the number of times I'm assuming I'll have to pick my kids up from detention when all is said and done.
Two cases in point:
#1: The Roman Who Liked to Give
The four of us are traveling in the car the other day, when my wife looks at me and says:
Wife: "Got a joke for you."
My wife never tells jokes.
There is a very good reason for this.
Me: "GO."
Wife: "Why was the Roman guy happy?"
Me: "No idea."
Wife: "Because he was gladiator."
* blink
Wife: "He was GLAD-I-A-TOR."
* blink
Wife: "Ugh. He was GLAD HE ATE HER."
Me: "Ah."
Then...from the back...
My 6 year old son and 9 year old daughter who have been LISTENING to all of this...
Start:
Cam: "He was GLAD HE ATE HER."
Payton: "He ATE her. And he was GLAD."
Cam: "NOM NOM NOM. He is SO glad he ate her!"
Nice job, honey.
Got our two kids laughing at each other about cunnilingus.
Score.
NEXT!
#2: Crouching Doggy, Hidden Kiss Ass
I'm sitting on the couch with my son the other night, my daughter on the chair next to us and my wife in the 3/4 bath doing her nails or something.
My dog, Sophie, is in complete FREAK OUT mode.
Running around the room..jumping on the chairs..growling...jumping down..back up.
She leaps on the couch, crouches down with her front paws and stares at me.
My dog's ass is up in the air...
RIGHT in Cam's face.
Cam: "OH GOD! SHE'S GOT HER BUM IN MY FACE!"
Me: "When a girl does that, it means she likes you."
* cricket
I thought THAT was going to be the highlight of the conversation.
That is, until Cam said:
Cam: "You mean she wants me to kiss her ass?"
* blink
After we finished trying to tell him that was NOT OKAY to say while simultaneously dying fucking laughing which probably didn't go very far in proving to him that that was wrong obviously but HOLY SHIT did you just really say that? OKAYOKAYOKAY you can't really say that (insert 5 minute bout of laughter here) because you'll go right to the principal's office.
Hm.
I'm thinking 567,983 might be a conservative estimate.
HAAAAA!!! Unless the principal's a woman (-:
ReplyDeleteAhhh....these kids learn so young these days.
lololol you had me rolling
ReplyDeleteOf course you are hilarious, I expect that. What I don't expect is a reference to the 3/4 bath. That's so... domestic. I see a glimpse to another side of you...
ReplyDeleteAre your children blogging yet?
ReplyDeleteyou lost me at russell crowe. he always distracts me with his hotness.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure your kids will never get that many detentions. They'll get thrown out of school long before they hit that number.
ReplyDeleteForget college, you better start saving up for therapy. (For their teachers)
ReplyDeleteAwww...your house is just like "Leave it to Beaver." (Gladiator Beaver...ha ha ha ha ho ho chortle snort tittler wheeze guffaw chuckle snicker laugh cough)
ReplyDeleteI'm so disappointed. I read the heading and got all excited thinking it was a "How To" post and dammit,I can't use any of this on my teen daughters.
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot.
At least he didn't lick it?
ReplyDeleteLmao. I actually feel kind of sorry for your children... :)
ReplyDeleteBut I'm kind of with Jessica on this. The day your children start blogging, I get a feeling you might become obsolete. :P
your wife's jokes are worse than my 4 year old's.
ReplyDeleteand I was going to say the same about the kid licking the dog's ass. You missed out on good blog fodder there. my kid? He loves to single digit our dog's brown eye. He LOVES it.
Mrsblogalot: wait...they're LEARNING?! How do you make it stop?!?
ReplyDeleteHearts: Maybe you should chock yourself with a block of wood or something to keep that from happening.
BigSis: You should see the photos of me holding a Swiffer.
Jessica: I suspect that's coming soon.
That's what she said.
Alexa: I meant for that to happen.
no idea.
Nicky: Good point.
Oooh. Another 'that's what she said!'
Cassie: Like I have that kind of coin.
BUY A MUG!
Brutalism: You are brilliant.
Christina: How old are your daughters? I'm just saying maybe I could tutor or something.
Elly: Um. What?
Christina: I'm already obsolete.
Stupid vibrators.
Momma: Like mother like son.
The only reason I want to have kids is to teach them how to swear.
ReplyDeleteGod! What a great, and weird, childhood your kids must have. Lucky little shits for sure dude. Too bad Sophie isn't trained to fart on cue.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThat is hilarious. My daughter was laying on my lap the other day and then was trying to kick herself in the crotch. I asked what she was doing and she said...Well mom, I am kicking myself in the nuts. I just about peed myself.
ReplyDeleteMan I hope your kids grow up sane in spite of their father!!! LOL
ReplyDeleteYou are totally hilarious.
your kids have some great material for their blogs someday
ReplyDeleteAHAHhahahahhahHAHAHhahahaHAHHAhahahhahahahahaHHHahahhAHhAHAhHAhhahhAhHAhHAhh
ReplyDeleteIm lauging so much I can barely type this comment!!
AhahahahHAHAHhahahhAahhaha
You are killing me!!!
ReplyDeleteMove to MA, Protective Services never takes the kids away here
ReplyDeletethanks for the laugh...made me cry..
ReplyDelete*LMAO*
ReplyDeleteYou are in for so MUCH with your kids as they get older. Oh to be a fly on the wall.......
*laughing hysterically*
Damn coffee went everywhere! Now I have to clean up.
ReplyDeleteAV
hiphop: Why..is there another reason?!
ReplyDeleteDon: We're working on the Sophie-fart thing.
Random: *blink
Chris: He is wise beyond his years..trust me.
Tee: There is NO chance they will grow up sane. none.
JennyDb: Maybe they'll make MONEY on their blog.
BUY A MUG!!
Meleah: You're so easy.
Carol: ..and now I must wipe the fingerprints off as evidence.
Malach: You make it sound like I want to keep them.
LivingDead: You're welcome.
I think.
LifeintheMom: Flies on the wall don't have a chance here. Dead instantly. Spiders, though..I'm afraid to go near them.
AV: You need to start using a straw, dude.
Ah, those special little moments of parenting that make it all worthwhile. Hilarious!
ReplyDeleteHere's the thing, I have gotten so in the habit of tweeting and stumbling your posts I just do it right away and often don't even read them. Not that I don't want to but I've got this routine down and I'm trying to be efficient. Kinda like when a dog knows how to sit, lie down, and roll over and is so used to do it that she does a sort of somersault instead. I read this one and I do think you are low balling it.
ReplyDeleteWhere'd your wife get that one? From one of her 1st graders? Or from one of her 1st graders' parents? Either way, that was as bad as some of those notes she gets.
ReplyDeleteClearly the kids get their inappropriateness from their father...
Gladiator joke. Priceless :)
ReplyDeleteI just KNEW there was a reason why I loved those "GLAD-He-ATE-hers!" It wasn't just those outfits! LOL!
ReplyDeleteAnd, yes, you are quite right. If a girl puts her ass in your face, it's a good indication that she likes you, and yes, you SHOULD kiss it. Just saying...
So I pretend to hate the Twitter but holy sweet baby Jesus, I found you on there and you CRACK ME UP so now I like the Twitter. All because of YOU!
ReplyDeleteI'll be stalking you now. In a not too creepy way.