I think I've got a new segment here on Mental Poo about all the damn shampoo I'm finding in my shower.
There are, like, 47 bottles of shit in there, so I may just make a whole new friggin' blog for it.
Today's Episode:
Chasing the Dragon
As I'm standing in the shower glistening like an Adonis who really really needed a shower because I just mowed the lawn with my lawnmower that is SUPPOSED to have a self-propelled feature but that stopped working a while ago when I thought 'self propelled' meant that it worked like one of those little robot vacuums so I just let that fucker go and BOOM off it went and NOT ONLY did I have to get the neighbors a new dog but they also soaked me for their therapy sessions because apparently I should have known better from the first time I did this.
So now I push it and I get sweaty.
Maybe I'll just attach razor blades to my robot vaccuum. That should work.
Where was I?
OH. Shampoo.
So I'm standing there and I look down and I see this:
HYDRA CONDITIONER.
?!?!?!?
So now I'm standing there wondering if I should use this because even though I DO have a one-headed monster (Mr. Wiggly), a five-headed monster such as a Hydra would NOT fit in this shower so this bottle was probably a colossal waste of money unless coupons were involved.
Now I'm all thinking I should masturbate since I'm in the shower and soapy anyway and a slick penis isn't going to ejaculate itself spontaneously but all I can picture is how this would work.
Not the masturbation thing, the shampoo thing. I got the masturbating thing mastered hands down.
Thank you. I'm here all week.
No..I'm thinking about how the HYDRA CONDITIONER works.
So I'm walking around in ancient Greece when HOLY FUCK AN UNCONDITIONED HYDRA!
Luckily, I have my HYDRA CONDITIONER!
So, you know, now we're good.
This could happen.
Maybe it's not a colossal waste of money after all.
Even without coupons.
Glistening Moog out.
Great, now next time I take a shower all I am going to be thinking about is this post.
ReplyDeleteThis was the best... EVER!
ReplyDeleteYou know what coupons you could use? Mental health coupons. There might not be enough of those in existence to help YOU though, Sir. So I wouldn't bother. Your hydra is fine as it is.
ReplyDeleteYou would have a heyday in my shower, Masturbation Boy. I have 3 teenaged daughters. (And NO, Do NOT let your mind wander there!) But for whatever reason, they like my shower the best. So there are all kinds of lotions and conditioners and creamy things, (that grossed me out just writing that) everywhere in my shower. There's also a bench. I use it for shaving my legs. I don't even want to think what you'd use it for.
ReplyDeleteI think you should submit your drawings to the good people at Loreal. Who knows, you may just have a multi-million dollar hydra conditioner ad campaign on your hands!!
ReplyDeleteHow I wish this was the advertising shampoo companies used.
ReplyDeleteGlossy, conditioned hydras are kinda cute.
ReplyDeleteYou are one disturbed individual and I love you for that.
ReplyDeleteWHAT THE....
ReplyDeleteWow. Just. Wow.
lbluca: Like that's a new thing for you.
ReplyDeleteCome on.
Meeko: Aww.
* blushes
Veggie: You love my hydra, don't you. SAY IT! SAY IT!
Bikram: Lady..every month for me is masturbation month.
Joann: Are we talking all legal teens here? I need to know if the visual I have is going to get me in trouble or not.
Anything: GREAT IDEA.
So...I just did.
Really.
Cross your fingers!
Jessica: It could be. I just sent it to them to see if they want to use it.
:)
I'm Jane: I get that a lot.
Kelly: So, what you're saying is that we've moved past the friendship stage?
Christina: I get that a lot, too!
Oookay, so I'm a new follower and just wondering, are you always this crazy or just smoking some wacky tobacky? OR you have some wild imagination! BTW, masturbation month? I'm down with that. :)
ReplyDeleteDelightfully inappropriate.
ReplyDeleteYou put alot of fucking effort into your little dragon pictures. I suck at paint program or photoshop shop either one so I could not have done those. Kudos for the effort.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine having that conversation with myself in less than 94 minutes.
ReplyDeleteLongest shower ever.
Oh thank the glistening Gods, I was so worried you'd get all normal while I was away.
ReplyDeleteWhew! What a big bubble of relief!
OMG - you had me at the picture!
ReplyDeletefrickin HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!
you have entirely TOO MUCH TIME on your hands.......stop masturbating for God's sake and wash your deHYDRAted hair!!!!!!!!
How would the concept of playing Go Fish with a five-headed dragon even occur to you?
ReplyDeleteIs there a gas leak in your home?
For any other blogger to have written this, it would be fair to assume that he was in fact chasing the dragon. For you? It's just Tuesday.
ReplyDeleteI retweeted because really...it needed to be done.
ReplyDeleteYou might want to stop by today because I'm thinking the subject of my post is one you would enjoy.
why can't I ever think of cool things like this while Im in the shower. dammit.
ReplyDeletewell I have learned not to read your posts to my husband--not that he read himself but...
ReplyDeleteNow he wants a robot lawn mower and to take a shower all of a sudden.
Pat: No..this is pretty much par for the course.
ReplyDeleteChelle: As always.
Peggy: I suck at it, too. You can't tell that?!?
Rahul: Word.
What?
Mrsblogalot: Welcome back, Kotter!
?
Tami: I think my hands could use the washing, actually.
Chris: Welcome to my mind.
Colby: That. Was. Awesome.
Buggys: Thank you!!
Meleah: Because you don't have giant dragons, that's why.
Duh.
Sexnfries: AT THE SAME TIME?! STRANGER DANGER!
Wait....so you are telling me I should be using more conditioner?
ReplyDeleteWell that would explain the friction burns.
Hyrda are tought to kill, according to The Monster Manual, when you cut one of their head off, you need to also do D6 burning damge within 10 rounds or two head grow back.
ReplyDeleteConditioner doesn't lather.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm going to think of you jacking off every time I condition my hair. I have a lot of hair and I condition it every day. This is not a good thing.
Note to self: Do not read Mooooogs blog before going to bed. Bad dreams, very bad dreams. I feel dirty.
ReplyDeleteI don't get the correlation of Hydras to the One Eyed Monster thingy and masturbation in the shower with conditioner? I'm feeling really dirty and confused. Got any shampoo?
ReplyDeleteThis post about the shower was golden!
ReplyDeletePerhaps I should re-phrase...
glistening adonis, lawn mowers, slick penis and coupons. who knew these could be related?
ReplyDelete(you sorta lost me at the glistening part).
Now I'm scared to get in my shower, glistening or not.
ReplyDeleteMy shampoo is also trying to kill me, but in a much less imaginative way -- as in, giant, Sam's Club-size bottle bouncing off my unprotected toe.
Ed: Without proper lubrication, it CAN PEEL.
ReplyDeleteTrust me.
Not pretty.
Malach: I bet you didn't even have to look in the manual, did you?
Jen: Like you didn't think that already. Come on.
Wannabe: Just think how I feel WRITING THIS SHIT.
Momma: It's a guy thing.
I hope.
Brutalism: Don't rephrase. I love you just the way you are. Unrephrased.
No idea.
Momma: Lost in a beautiful beautiful dream, I assume?
JD: I'm afraid to get in my shower, too. God..the stuff on the floor of that thing.
Nasty.
Do they make vibrating conditioner?
ReplyDeleteAnd why the hell is there only ONE month out of 12 that is designated a National Rub-It-So-Good month?
Easy on how much of that stuff you use. Last thing you want is a Hydra that's limp and hard to manage.
ReplyDeleteI love how you state "this could happen". Like I would ever doubt you. I mean, you have drawings! And, apparently, a lot of razor blades.
ReplyDeleteWhatever. You totally photoshopped their split ends out.
ReplyDeletenice post my friend...thank for your share...keep spirit from blogger indonesia
ReplyDeleteWait a MINUTE. May is Masturbation Month? I'm a bit behind on my *cough* fulfilled duties.... See ya!
ReplyDeleteI read this post, then another, and another, and now I've been sitting here going through your archive and the fact is I've actually got stuff to do. Important stuff. Stuff involving, you know, grown ups and groceries and -- and stuff. (And now that I look at that last sentence I realise that it could be taken dirty if you really work at it.) But the point is, I'd really appreciate it if you'd take a break from writing this stuff (your stuff, not my stuff).
ReplyDelete'Cause I've got stuff to do and this stuff you do is addictive.
Your mind continues to amaze and entertain!
ReplyDeleteAh Ha. Case Solved.
ReplyDeleteToo funny! : )
ReplyDeleteI'm too mortified by the remote control lawn mower to be sufficiently bowled over with laughter at your Hydra cartoon. The art work is phenomenal as per usual, but I won't be able to sleep tonight knowing there may be a rogue lawn mower out there right now, waiting to cut off my toes.
ReplyDelete