I know what you're thinking about the title.
You people are SICK.
This is why I love you.
Well..not so much "love" as "want to do that funny swirly thing to you."
I think they're the same.
At least that's what the prostitutes say.
My friend, Kristin, handed me one of the tags from her tea the other day.
It read:
"The beauty of life is to experience yourself"
*blink*
Kristin: "Does this mean I should go home and masturbate?"
Me: "Yes. Yes it does."
*pause*
Me: "Your phone has a camera, right?"
The beauty of life is to experience yourself.
How prophetic.
Apparently, "life was beautiful" for me at about 10:15 last night as I watched "Super Ninja Doll" on Cinemax and experienced the crap out of myself.
Oh yeah.
Life was also beautiful for me in the shower at the gym this afternoon.
Um...
Helpful tip to the guys out there:
WEAR FLIP FLOPS IN THE LOCKER ROOM SHOWER.
That's not shampoo on the floor.
By the way folks, the fact that Kristin received this via "tea bag" has not escaped me.
It's how my mind works.
I can't help but picture that shit.
Great.
Now I have to go experience myself.
Life is beautiful once again.
Third time today.
I'm gonna need to start using some type of lotion.
You shouldn't put that to waste. I hear sperm banks pay money for sperm. Just tell them you're a rocket scientist/doctor/dood who digs wells for African people.
ReplyDeleteI mean, if you can produce 3 or more times a day, you could make a LOT of money with the right lies.
I'd say I am proud of you for your ability to experience yourself, and I am, at this age three times a day is remarkable, but I don't want to encourage it more. Not that you need encouragement.
ReplyDeleteI am not shittin' yah. If you are a chronic masturbater you need to replace your zinc which does the body good. I want to see pictures of your nails!!
ReplyDeleteI think you need to take up a new hobby while you can still see!
ReplyDeleteDude, moooog, buddy, three times a day is a lot. Maybe the prostitutes aren't doing their jobs right? Also, have you noticed the word pro and tit are both in the word prostitute? Cuz I just did and now the word makes since.
ReplyDeleteMoooooog35, you should be locked up. Haha. You're insane.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I just dropped by for a quickie to let you know I am gonna do my own "solitary exploration" right about now. This sounds a lot better than masturbation.
I'll be back when you post the pics from Kristin's phone.
ReplyDeleteMike: I've had a vasectomy. It's ALL waste.
ReplyDeleteJen: Well..if there's one thing about me, it's that I am remarkable.
Wannabe: Nails? What nails? All I see are these yellow things...ohhhhhhhhh.
Eva: WHO SAID THAT?
Heather: Three times a day is light for me.
Demi: hahaha..you said 'quickie.'
Ed: You and me both, brother.
I need a t-shirt that says, "I'd rather be experiencing the crap out of myself." Get on that. TWSS.
ReplyDelete"I give it two palms up."
ReplyDeleteDooood.
Her superpowers are only exceeded by her insatiable carnal desires.
ReplyDeleteamazing!
friend used to do it on his roommate's flipflops because he was a dick like that.
1. I keep forgetting to tell you that your moniker reminds me of an album my dad had called The Electric Cow goes Moog. Yes, I'm that old.
ReplyDelete2. 3 times, in one day! You are my wet dream, and your own as well apparantly.
3. Have you had the dry orgasm yet? Ya know, where you just run out of...I guess in your case, blanks? Makes the BJ just fabulous for the chick. I've heard.
4. I don't think that pic is of the guys own junk, I think he's in a black tard and the guy on top is in a red tard. I've studied the pic pretty closely, it's 2 dudes.
5. he bop
I want the t-shirt Elly lou suggested.
ReplyDeleteLOL! You know, I thought everybody knew what tea bagging meant. I just thought it was one of those things, only I discovered a couple months ago that my hubs did not know what it meant and I had to explain it to him. I so wished i had balls at that moment so I coulda gave him the true meaning. But sadly, I do not... Men are so lucky sometimes.
ReplyDeleteIn the gym shower???
ReplyDeletethree times in one day? Wow. You're like a professional!
ReplyDeleteElly Lou: SO MANY SHIRT DEMANDS FROM YOU PEOPLE
ReplyDeleteChris: You sound jealous.
Cleveland: I'd do it on anyone's flip flops because..you know..they're FLIP FLOPS.
Sunny: A dry orgasm sounds terrible. Like a misfire. Who needs that shit?
Mommakiss: SO DEMANDING.
Miss Yvonne: You people seem shocked.
Meleah: I have an agent, yes.
Make sure that the lotion isn't scented. That shit'll give you infections.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThe sperm bank idea is a good suggestion. The even have a little round hole in the door for night deposits.
ReplyDeleteEverytime you mastubate God kills a kitten
ReplyDeleteI should buy you one of those flesh light thingies. I think you'll experience life in a whole new manner that way.
ReplyDeleteThe minute I read the tea bag I totally felt tingly .... down there;)
ReplyDeleteLaurie: Sounds as if you speak from experience.
ReplyDelete?
Coffey: Again..not sure I have a lot to offer to them there...shooting blanks and all.
Vapid: I know...it's like the reverse of Ron Jeremy.
Malach: Hence why I do it SO MUCH.
Ms Salti: Let me know when you want my shipping address.
Midwestern: Please be more descriptive next time. Thanks in advance.
3x in one day. impressive but i bet you can't experience yourself like jimmy can.
ReplyDelete"Here, Jimmy displays the art of teabagging oneself. Nice, Jim!" was on my screen when my boss just walked in. Awesome.
ReplyDeleteI'll just play it cool and go make myself a nice hot cut of tea. Um, no I won't.
You only do it thrice a day? Wimp.
ReplyDeleteMoog:
ReplyDeleteMy apologies. But you can still donate to the sperm bank. Just blame it on an ineffective doctor.
Oh, and do it out of state. And give a fake name.
Come on man, do I have to think of everything?
For godssake pace yourself!
ReplyDeleteOr you're gonna start looking like that poppy muffin up there.
lol good grief...the sad part my mind was there when i read the title...but you could have pick a better pic...ugh that one with the wrestling...give me the willies...yuck
ReplyDeleteUm...what's the funny swirly thing? I might need diagrams.
ReplyDeleteIf you can read this comment... then you should be masturbating.
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog. Wonder what it means that the first post I read is about you masturbating. We're starting off in an interesting way.
Sure, you could WORK in a sperm bank, and be the doorman. Every time a person leaves you can say, "THANK YOU FOR COMING!"
ReplyDeleteand here i thought i was the only one who beats off at work....wait whats the past tense of "beats off?"
ReplyDeletebeated? bate?
im gonna go with bate...glad to know im not the only one who bates more than once in a day whilst on the clock
keep beatin that fucker like it owes you money!