The following post is rated "TV MLSA" for mature content, language, sex and some assplay.
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My long time readers will recognize that I have a quite unorthodox relationship with my friend, Kristin.
By 'unorthodox' I mean 'I try to get in her pants..and she thinks I'm kidding and then tells me stories about her diarrhea.'
And then I stop bother her for sex for, like, a couple of minutes or something because I'm too busy vomiting.
It's awesome.
Here's a sample of a recent IM conversation we had here at work.
We had just finished talking about going out for drinks on Election Day which I had to ask her was WHEN? because unless there's nudity involved, I don't really pay attention too much.
Enjoy.
So then Kristin says she's "laughing" because she thinks I'm "kidding" which I kind of am (not really).
Gotta do SOMETHING at work, right? This is what we do.
This next part segues into a rant about this old jackass who sits across the row from me who is a cross between Mr. Rogers and some guy I want to kill because he chews with his mouth open ALL THE TIME and just generally annoys the piss out of me.
I swear I'm going to murder this asshole one day.
I'm assuming the only reason this chick married him is that he has a huge life insurance policy or some shit and she's just waiting for him to die.
Or put a contract out on him.
Maybe I'll hook her up with Kristin.
All guns. No sex.
Sucks.
Let's hope work doesn't read you IMs...
ReplyDeleteI work with a lady who slurps her tea constantly, let's hook them up.
I like Kristin.
You must really amuse Big Brother at work when they read your IMS. They probably have a blog about you somewhere. How awesome would that be?
ReplyDeleteYou sit across from a Chinese guy?
ReplyDeleteI that's my guess, since he talks like a four year old and chews with his mouth open.
Does he spit a lot, too?
Now those are some lovely IMs. Mine are usually making fun of the other co-workers too. My favorite is the guy that wears his sweater or sweatshirt tied around his neck like a freaking tennis player. He left work yesterday to get ready for the storm we had in the midwest...but he lives in a freaking APARTMENT. We just figured that he went home to tie his sweater tighter around his neck so it didn't fly away in the tornado!
ReplyDeleteYou are persistent. That's a life skill.
ReplyDeleteScrew the guns, nothing gets me going like subroutines in binary flux capacitors...or whatever the hell that was. I just want to scream in 1's and 0's.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure that we need to invent an IM that turns sexually harassing phrases into pictures of panda bears at the bottom of rainbows. "Did you sexually harass Kristin?" "NO! Look! I sent her a picture!" "Awwwwww..."
ReplyDeleteI find sexual harrassment at work very motivating. (Disclaimer: I do not work for NOW.)
ReplyDeleteSorry about the flying burning shells. For the record, I could hear you. I just didn't care.
ReplyDeleteOh Kristin knows. She knows what you want to do with her. If she was this stupid she'd be way eaiser to nail, wouldn't she?
ReplyDeleteJust sayin'.
Yeah it's pretty obvious Kristin is aware you aren't kidding. She's good at keeping you around incase she gets single or bored.
ReplyDeleteMy IMs are NEVER that funny!
ReplyDeleteVodka: Have you read my work posts? If I haven't been fired by now...
ReplyDeleteChristina: I suppose that explains all the head shaking in IT.
Mjenks: If he was Chinese, I could at least cut the asshole some slack.
Oops..I mean, "srack."
Random: Never trust a man who looks like he belongs in the 'good fraternity' of a college movie.
You've: At least I'm good at SOMETHING.
Elly: All I got out of that is that you scream.
yay.
Travis: In my case, though, the picture would be all, like, 'Wanna bang under this rainbow?'
Brutalism: We're hiring.
*wink
Mike: Wow. That sounded just like me.
Sister: Figures she's not stupid.
SONOFABITCH.
Knight: Welcome back!! Long time. You picked the perfect post.
*embarrassed
Dazee: midgetmanofsteel - skype/yahoo.
I accept all comers.
Literally.
Meleah: That's because you don't IM me.
*taps foot
This is charming.
ReplyDeleteStep 1: wife puts out hit on annoying coworker.
ReplyDeleteStep 2: bludgeon coworker to death using paperweight present from children. (unknowingly fulfilling hit)
Step 3: PROFIT!!
now that's what i call fun at work. hilarious!
ReplyDeleteNow wait. She's got friends she lets teabag her, but she won't let you ravish her with your sword of death by 1000 orgasms? You're way doing something wrong, dude.
ReplyDeleteYou're in! She has a tea-bagging friend. You could be next, man.
ReplyDeleteSooo, that's why you named your right hand Kristen. Mine is Joy Bahar 'cause I'd like to fuck her up.
ReplyDelete"And some ass play." Oh I so wish those warnings really were so specific. Would be way more entertaining.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't know about Kristin. Do you really want to be with someone who not only uses "lol," but does so excessively in a tourette-ish fashion?
jill
in bed with married women
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com
She'll crack eventually . . . don't give up.
ReplyDeletethose IM's will be used against you in court when your coworker turns up dead!
ReplyDeleteAside from the fact that you two were on completely different pages, they cracked me up. And I have to agree with Chris, she will crack, your charm is amazing, she can't hold out forever.
ReplyDeleteThis was a lovely story.
ReplyDeleteKind of like The Notebook.
Except less old people. And in the movie, he gets the pussy.
Maxie: *sigh
ReplyDeleteAnn: Are you the wife? Cuz I'm totally up for this shit.
Patty: Gotta do something here. It's not like I'm actually going to DO work or anything.
Bitch: I know. Next stop, Rohipnol!
noname: Not that kind of teabag.
Sadly.
Coffey: My left hand is named Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
They should catfight.
Malach: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN WITH THIS ADVICE ALL THESE YEARS?!
Jill: LOL
woops.
Chris: hahahaha. You said 'crack'
Eva: But not before I've had my way!
Wait. What?
Jen: I know, right?
*peacocks
Ed: I'm going to ignore the fact that you are actually referencing 'The Notebook.'
wtf.
I freakin' love sexual harrasment, it makes the work place fun. Now that they are hiring hot men. Holy hell,I want to slap ass right now.
ReplyDeleteI am starting to like Kristin, she works with binary data, dodges your every attempt at sex, perfect!. Makes for amazing IMs.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you, you will never get in her pants, she's having fun teasing you.
I like Kristin too. Do you think she minds having another unorthodox relationship?
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to have a friend with NO benefits like this: keep your mind sharp. You get to safely practice flirting skillz. Good for your soul. :-)