My son is awesome.
He's also wicked handsome but that's primarily because he looks like me.
I hope he inherits my modesty.
Regardless..
A while ago, the soon-to-be-ex-wife and I took the kids to "Cracker Barrel" for breakfast.
Cracker Barrel ad:
"Come in for breakfast. No teeth? No problem. Most of our staff doesn't have them, either."
Seriously - half the people in there look like they bang their sisters.
For the record, I don't have a sister.
Totally. Sucks.
Before we left, we told the kids to hit the bathrooms. I went into the men's room with my son.
Son: "I have to go poop."
Awesome.
Because I love hanging out in men's rooms.
No - seriously.
It's awesome.
Regardless, my son popped into a stall while I stood at the urinal myself.
BE STILL, ANACONDA!!
I've digressed.
Suddenly, the bathroom door burst open and a guy - in an obvious situation of full-on bowel distress - goes shooting into the stall next to my son.
No sooner is the guy in the stall, sitting right next to my son separated only by a small metal wall...
...does the cacophony of fart fireworks and shit-expulsion sounds begin.
*BRRAAAAPPP! BRAAAP!! FWOOOPPP!!"
This guy had to shit badly.
*PPFFFFTTTTT!! PTHBTHBTHBTHBT!! BROOOOP!"
Then...
*cricket*
There was a short lull in the symphony...
It's at this time that my son pipes up...
...and says to the guy in the stall:
"Excuse you."
* cricket
Awesome.
Guys, ever try peeing at a urinal while you're laughing? It's difficult.
Probably not as difficult as it is to shit while you're laughing - which the guy in the stall was now trying to do.
My son. Is. Awesome.
Plus, he has good manners.
Excuse me while I pee myself laughing. Too funny! Your son is awesome.
ReplyDeleteI love the differences between Fathers and Mothers and where we get our feelings of pride ; )
ReplyDeleteWhen my oldest was two, my husband brought him to the bathroom in a very crowded restaurant, where he proceeded to take a crap.
ReplyDeleteMy husband wipes his butt for him, and then he loudly annouces, "Daddy, you're the best butt wiper in the whole wide world."
It apparently got a lot of laughs in the men's room.
LOL!!!! That's a great story to keep for years with your son! :-)
ReplyDeleteBWAH!
ReplyDeleteYour son is indeed awesome.
And his innocent comment probably saved Explosive Poo Guy from a heap of embarrassment.
Good on yer, young man.
That's Asstastic!
ReplyDeleteBest comeback-following-a-strangers-shitsplosion evah!
I've said it before and I'll say it again.
ReplyDeleteI cannot wait for your son to get older and start blogging.
He's gonna put the old man to shame, and the old man does good shit.
Figuratively and literally.
And this is why you need to let your son play with matches. The only thing better than "Excuse you," would have been the lighting of a match. Then it's polite AND classy.
ReplyDeleteWe went to a Hindu wedding this weekend that served nothing but flaming hot Indian food for lunch and dinner...the guy in the bathroom stall was probably my husband. Holy buring butthole.
ReplyDeleteWow. That was impressive. A Mental Poo[p] in the making!
ReplyDeleteHa!
once as I took my nephew into the bathroom a dude came sheepishly out of a stall looking flustered and started to wash his hands. My nephew looked into that stall and said "ewwww his mom didnt teach him right."
ReplyDeletethe dude sort of whimpered as he ran out.
Julianna: He truly is a mini-me.
ReplyDeleteI fear for him.
inannasstar: How could you NOT be proud of this?
Weird.
Laurie: In his defense, your husband really IS the best butt wiper in the world.
Antonia: Years? Really?
Years?
JD: We're men...we don't get embarrassed by that. We would make badges if we could.
Ed: I agree.
Mike: Hopefully, he'll make some money at least.
Travis: That's why I bought the propane grill lighter.
Multi-purpose.
Kate: I thought I smelled a hint of curry.
Quirky: Not sure why I didn't think of that first.
Sad.
Cleveland: You sure you were in the men's room? Who the Hell whimpers?
Good one..hope the guy feels better and you didn't hurt yourself laughing.. now you're a single guy think of the even more awesome and "polite" things you can teach your son...have mercy on your daughter. :)
ReplyDeleteLove your son! Too funny!
ReplyDeleteThat poor, poor cricket.
ReplyDeleteDamn, that's hilarious.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about the divorce, I missed that post. I've been there, it's not pleasant. Sounds like you and the ex have it figured out, but keep your guard up. Trust me on that one.
Next time, arm that kid with a can of air freshener and turn him loose.
ReplyDeleteMini-Moooog, for the win!
ReplyDeleteLove the sound of explosive diarhhea the echoes. Hours of entertainment. Try that on canvas!
ReplyDeleteCracker Barrels scare me. Went into my first one when we were in the middle of our cross-country move (they don't exist on the West coast). Eeew.
ReplyDeleteNothin' like some good ole fashioned public restroom family fun.
ReplyDeletethat's too funny
ReplyDeleteIsn't it cool how some of us require little in the way of entertainment to amuse us?
ReplyDeleteVodka: I'm confused as to how being single now translates into more fun things for my son to lear...OHHHHH.
ReplyDeleteEva: He is an amazing specimen.
Buggin: Good point. Overused?
Chris: Thank you..on both points.
Christina: Yes. I'll be sure to walk around with a can of air freshener when I go to breakfast.
The Hell?
Tracie: Shoots. Scores.
Wannabe: I don't think I'll get my apartment security deposit back.
Jessica: However they DO have extremely uncomfortable rocking chairs. So..you know..WIN.
?
Brutalism: It's what we do.
Mommy Drama: Thank you.
Don: God..you have NO idea.
Your son is such a mini you. lol
ReplyDeleteDid the sharter excuse himself? I'm dying to know.
ReplyDeleteMy husband says "I'm having a problem" when he's got the farts. When my daughter was young, we were shopping and heard and older women tooting as my mother used to say. My daughter, loud enough the woman could hear "MOM, that lady is really having a problem!"
ReplyDelete"Yes, yes she is honey."
Too bad you didn't do an audio recording. It could be the annoying sound people hear when they visit your site. *gag, on second thought, no
Kids in public bathroom stories always make me chuckle.
ReplyDeleteThis story has it all, pooping, farting, anacondas, and manners!
ReplyDeleteI can't stop laughing.
Im cracking up over here! Your son is totally super awesome.
ReplyDeleteTee: He is. But I can still kick his ass. For now.
ReplyDeleteStephanie: No. No he didn't.
Sunny: Oh...I have so many problems.
litany: Or..make you call the Feds.
Toe: I'm a one stop shop of toilet humor.
You're welcome.
Meleah: He is completely awesome.
LOFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou've taught him well.
He IS awesome!
sweet lord. that. is. awesome.
ReplyDeleteoh..yeah..i left you a little turd of something over here...
just humor me and check it out please.
http://locoyaya.blogspot.com/2010/07/showing-some-bloggy-love.html
Sorry about that, I should of answered the boy
ReplyDeleteSorry about that, I should of answered the boy
ReplyDeleteAs soon as I read "excuse you," I burst out laughing and I might have drooled a little because I wasn't expecting it. Way. To. Go.
ReplyDeleteLOL !!! to your son. Excuse you!! HA HA HA ...
ReplyDeleteI absolutely needed that laugh! And you should be proud....it was a proud moment!
ReplyDeleteI laughed out loud and instantly covered my mouth so none of the coffeeshop goers can hear my guffaws. Your son got your best genes, moooooog35. Apparently, this is how surivival of the fittest works.
ReplyDeleteThe Cracker Barrel is like a time warp to the mid west...with good cheese soup.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to make poo when you're laughing; it hurts actually!
ReplyDeleteI would have DIED if I ever had to do anything like that with you and your son around.
ReplyDeleteDEAD.
Your son is too cool.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHippest Snippets chose a piece of this post as one of the quotes of the day. We decided you're cool. We're the cool police. We highlight the best blogs in the universe!
ReplyDeleteWell at least the planet. We can't speak for Jupiter. Rumor is that they have some awesome writers. Bee-Bop Kodos is the best.
www.hippestsnippets.com
Laughing so hard I just wok my son up from his nap!
ReplyDeleteMrsblogalot: WTF is LOFL?
ReplyDeleteLoco: Thank you!! It's up on my awards page right now!
Malach: So. Rude.
Christy: It's how we roll. You're welcome.
Midwestern: He is an amazing piece of work if I do say so myself.
Daffy: DOWN WOMAN! HIDE YOUR LUST!
Demi: I'm not sure he's going to be so happy about having my genes.
So many defects.
So. Many. Defects.
Germ: Cheese soup...with a free defibrillation with every order!
MA: aaaaand didn't really need to know that.
Vapid: He really, really is.
Hippest: NICE. Thank you!
Sweetest: Did you just stir fry your son or did I read that wrong?
You've raised your son well, Moog. Actually, not really all that well. But it's clear that you raised him.
ReplyDeleteThat is hilarious! At least he didn't blame it on you though.
ReplyDeleteThis was hysterical! You should be proud. Your son is taking after you. A real comedian!
ReplyDeleteFINALLY - my trend of correcting the manners of co-stallers has taken off. I knew it was just a matter of time.
ReplyDeleteAwesome, indeed! Holy shit...too funny!
ReplyDelete