The Band-Aid Comes off Quick | Mental Poo

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

The Band-Aid Comes off Quick


I’m going to do this quick.

Please note, ladies, that this will be the first time I ever actually warn you of this.

Every other time is really just a complete shock and doubt on your part on whether or not the two Tequila shots were really worth the effort.

I’ve digressed.

Here goes:

Recently, I moved out of my house and into a one-bedroom apartment.

Yep.

My wife and I are divorcing.


It is amicable.

We are still friendly and, honestly, haven’t gotten along this well in YEARS. It’s amazing the freedom you get when you realize that you don’t have to actually try to make someone happy. It’s so much work.

I hate work.

We will share custody of the children.

She is taking care of the dog.

I am taking care of the..um…

I’m taking care of the FUCKING HAMSTER ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?


Gah.

Because nothing screams “bachelor” like a guy living alone except for a hamster in a bright pink cage.

I can’t wait to grow a scraggly beard and fashion a hat out of newspaper and then go get the mail down the hallway with the hamster following me in her little ball while I scream “TODAY IS THE DAY, IZZY, WHERE PUBLISHER’S CLEARING HOUSE MAKES ME RICH!” or something like “Maybe your pirate outfit has arrived!”

Trust me.

In this apartment building, this will only make me fit in MORE.


I’m not looking for sympathy. Or apathy. Or anything else that ends in ‘thy’ unless it’s ‘porn that is filthy’ at which point you can email me at the address in the ‘contact me’ section.

I have a lot of time to watch porn now.

I just wish the hamster would stop staring at me. Makes me feel icky.

So in the future you will hear about me filling out the paperwork and about my neighbors who all have a desire to wear cut-off tank tops and our divorce procedure which includes a mandatory ‘child impact seminar’ that required us to fill out a questionnaire about custody in which we needed to sign a section agreeing that the kids wouldn’t be exposed to druggies or alcoholics or alcoholic druggies which means now my dad can’t come to visit and also pretty much guarantees that I just lost $200 on this crack-whore next door because there is no provision in this section that says ‘..unless you lock the children in another room whilst you get toothless blowjobs..’

So. Yeah.

Band-Aid torn off.

A new adventure begins.

With a hamster in tow.

Isn't that just fucking great.

84 comments:

Maxie said...

your neighbors wear tank tops?

you should fit in well there.

good luck, bud. wish you all the best. seriously.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

"hamster following me in her little ball" - immediately made me think of Richard Gere.
I'm going to hell. O yes. I am.

Amonymous said...

I will refrain from the all too easy hamster jokes.

I will simply say...

Porn shouldn't involve rodents, even in our most desperate hours.

(Oh, and thinking of you, hoping you're okay, and that stuff too).

LB said...

Sorry to hear you are getting a divorce. That must really suck! At least you have the hamster...

Eva Gallant said...

Sorry to read that. Having been divorced years ago, myself, I know how difficult it can be. Take care to maintain a strong relationship with your kids. They are the most important things in your life, besides that hamster!

Jules said...

Damn, Dude. Sorry about the divorce. AND the hamster.

AgapiStudios said...

don't forget the endless cans of beer littered all over the floor..

One Blonde Girl said...

Well... I hope you and the hamster are very happy together. Could be worse, right? Could be a cat. Or a bird.

Maybe you could train the hamster to sit on your shoulder. And give him (her?) an eye patch. He (she) probably won't like it at first, but if you explain how cool it would be and the response you would get from the neighbors, I'm sure he (she) would eventually come around.

I admire your positive attitude about the whole ordeal. The big D often becomes unnecessarily nasty with so many couples.

Best of luck to you and your family.

WILLIAM said...

"Because nothing screams “bachelor” like a guy living alone except for a hamster in a bright pink cage."

That right there is a great pitch for a reality tv show.

Sarah P said...

"I’m not looking for sympathy. Or apathy."

OK, then. I retract my offer for a pity BJ.

LiLu said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qBK4RRpouQ

Lisa Loomis said...

i bet it wont be hard for you to find something new. i bet your cock is delicious

ClevelandPoet said...

perhaps you can teach the hamster to keep the crack whore in line.

Ed said...

I had a good comment about something dealing with this post and then Lisa Loomis just totally skull fucked it right out of my head with the one she left above.

WHAT THE FUCK LISA!!!

Mrsblogalot said...

I'm thinking your apartment is going to smell really bad.

Pace yourself on the porn k?

Brutalism said...

But most importantly, who gets custody of the notes that the parents of her students write?

I know you're not looking for sympathy...but I'm sorry to hear that anyway. So sue me.

Brutalism said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenn Thorson said...

It was drastic measures to keep you away from the dog toys, wasn't it?

Fess up. :)

(Also, hang in there, Mooog.)

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

sometimes divorce really is the best option, see... you guys are getting along NOW.

Brutalism said...

Most importantly, who gets custody of the notes that the parents of her students send to school?

And I'm sorry to hear this. I know you said no sympathy. Sue me.

Moooooog35 said...

I was going to put a comment here saying 'thanks' and 'everything is more than fine' and then realized that there is no way I can match up to Lisa Loomis' comment and nor do I want to and now I'm wondering what my **** tastes like and GREAT NOW I JUST PULLED MY BACK OUT GIVING IT A SHOT.

So. You know. You get this instead.

Becky..AMHW said...

Is empathy good enough for you? Huh? HUH?

Because you've got that at least.

MommaKiss said...

You say it's amicable and everything but I bet she dumped you because you kiss like that hampster, right? Just admit it.

Heather said...

Wow when you gave me that hint a while back I was totally not expecting this and then I read this and felt like a dumbass for not getting it. Sorry for your loss? That's what I got, I'm not good with sympathy but I agree with the money lady, I bet your cock tastes like strawberry pineapple upside down cake. Yumm now I want cake.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Christ almighty. I just have to say it, who is going to want the midget man of steel with a cock that taste like pineapple. WTF. Finally, you came out of the closet.

Seriously, I am sorry to hear that. I thought you would be so fun to be married to but then again I am not your wife and I may end up murdering you - so to speak not in a literal I am going to kill you cause then if you end up dead because of the crack whore next door then leave me out of it.

Moooooog35 said...

Becky: Yes.

Now..off to Google empathy!

Momma: There is no 'p' in hamster.

Well..there wasn't until she got here, anyway.

Heather: LET THEM EAT CAKE!

No idea what I mean by that.

Actually, yes I do.

Wannabe: Is pineapple penis not good?

Let me know quick, because I'll stop screwing this one immediately.

The Demigoddess said...

Lisa Loomi blew me away. I got dibs on you, moooooog35. First dibs, okay?

Sue said...

Looks like you may have to install a revolving door to your apartment! :)

Mom, Wife, Nina said...

I'm having a hard time refraining from making jokes about you and the hampster. I'll behave and say good luck and I look forward to the new adventures! :)

Jen said...

Seriously, how are you going to get your hands on the notes from kids' parents?

I'm really sorry to hear this. Divorce sucks, and not in the way you hope it might.

Moooooog35 said...

Demi: I don't know...Lisa is putting up a decent argument here.

Sue: I don't think that will be covered under my Security Deposit.

Nina: God. That hamster.

She completes me.

Jen: Actually, my wife and I are back to being really good friends. So, I don't see a problem getting the letters.

And, so far, so good (as good as it can get at least) - as far as 'doing it right' goes, I think we've come really close to nailing it.

Don said...

Enjoy the future. After dealing with the guilt of fucking over your kids by splitting, you can actually have some fun.

Miss Yvonne said...

Just throw a towel over the cage the next time you watch "porn that is filthy". Or put him in his ball and lock him out of your room. Except then you'll have to listen to his ball whacking against the door over and over again. Heh.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. Very happy to read all your awesome neighbor stories in the future.

x Mrs Moog said...

I will gladly still give him any notes that I get from my parents next year. That's probably the only reason he is being so nice to me through all this!! Just kidding, hun! He is a great, talented guy (as you all know)and I am so looking forward to reading about how our parent impact seminar goes (especially if it is anything like our lamaze classes) :)

Coffeypot said...

Congrats, dude. Now you can enjoy all the stuff you didn't get to because of obsticals like wife's and kids and dogs and hamsters....oh...uh...forget it dude. Lonley will look good on you.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Ouch.

A guy takes a little break from reading a friend's blog, then comes back and gets hit in the face with a cold fish like this.

I'm sorry, Mooog. For both of you. And the kids. It's terribly hard to keep a relationship together these days.

Malach the Merciless said...

Your going about this all wrong . . see I took out a insurace policy on the wife about a year ago, and just to make it seem all on the up and up, I let her take one out on me. About a year from now . . . I don't know how she just drove off the road like that . . Bam, like winning the lottery twice!

The Sweetest said...

I'm not going to say I'm sorry because 1. I didn't do anything 2. barely know you or the situation and 3. you don't sound like you are suffering. Yet. Sounds like it may be for the best- hopefully the whole separation process isn't too hard on you or your kids. Wishing you all the best. Especially that hamster, God bless him.

J.J. said...

I'll just wish you 'Good Luck' in your new adventure. And please don't become toothless! It'll make you look 'icky' and you might want to "get it on" sometime in the future.

Ms. Salti said...

Mr. Moog... I've seen your name in bloggy land quite often in the last few years... how in the hell is it possible I've never actually been to your blog? I don't know either. I love it.

Sorry about the impending divorce, but congrats that it's amicable. And you clearly win with custody of the hamster.

Moooooog35 said...

Don: Thanks. You really kknow how to make a guy feel better.

The fuck, dude?

Yvonne: The hamster is a girl.

Not sure if that changes things.

It did for me.

x Mrs Moog: OKAY PEOPLE.

I had to call 'x Mrs Moog' and actually ask if this was really her and sure as shit it is so it took THREE YEARS but she finally decides to comment on a post and it's the one about our divorce.

So, thank you for all the 'strawberry cock' comments.

Makes this transition SO much smoother, people.

Also...I'M SO EXCITED THAT I KEEP GETTING KINDERGARTEN LETTERS!! YAY!!!

Coffey: Thanks. I'm looking forward to being a professional 'lonely' model.

MikeWJ: Sorry, dude. But really - it's nowhere near as bad as we THOUGHT it was going to be...which has been a surprise in and of itself.

Sweetest: mmmm. hamster.

JJ: Get what on? shirts? what?

Salti: Jeez. You picked a great first article to land on.

welcome!..and..um...why are you Salti?

It's okay. You can be honest here. As you can see,we're all discussing my strawberry penis.

Christina_the_wench said...

They make favored penises? Who knew?

Sorry to hear about the D even if it is amicable. Been there and it still sucks.

Tracie said...

If I ever get a divorce I'm not keeping our effing hamster. Or the kids.

Deborah said...

Aw, sorry to hear the news about you and the Mrs., but you guys seem to have it together. Hope everything moves smoothly through this new transition for all of you. :)

Looking forward to all the blogging fallout your divorce will bring. LOL :)

Danica-Dragonfly said...

I've said so before and will do it again ... NEVER never never never stay together in an unhappy relationship ONLY for the kids.You aren't doing anyone any favors.

Now ... I thought the flavor of Mooog's penis was pineapple, not strawberry ... WTF? Is this a multi-flavored penis we're talkin' about here? Tutti-fruity-booty? (perhaps not the best alias to use while ordering your next toothless bj)

Talents galore.

Oh ... and I don't want to ever hear about that dear little hamster wrapped in electrical tape to keep it from splodin' - k? I'll totally sick the humane society on your ass!

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Divorce sucks.

The End.

Greeneyezz said...

Wow.

Thinking of you both. Regardless of the 'lighthearted tone' of this post, it's still real difficult.

((((Mr. & Mrs. Moooooog))))

~ZZ

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

no wonder you want to sniff my ass crack. it all makes sense now.

Moooooog35 said...

Christina: It's amazing what you can do with corn syrup these days.

Tracie: I have fallen in love with the hamster.

I've said too much.

Deborah: I would say that, yes, pulling apart we have it together.

Weird.

Danica: i have no idea what my thing tastes like.

If I did, I probably wouldn't leave the house.

Angie: well put!

That's what she said.

what?

Greeneyezz: Thank you.

Claire: I don't think I ever agreed to that, but okay.

MommaKiss said...

Fine, I can't spell hamster. Shows you what the fuck I know about minute pets.

For the love of GOD, thank you x Mrs. Moog for allowing the kindy letters to continue. But, um, parenting seminar?

jessalyn said...

i think this is a good reason to never get married. i don't want a hamster. ever.

may you and the hamster live happily ever after.

oh. and i recommend staying away from the toothless crack whores. $200 may seem like a good deal now, but it will end up costing more in the long run. trust me on this one.

Didactic Pirate said...

Here's me reading this post and the following comments:

Aw Dude, that sucks. Sorry to hear it.

Oh, cool that everyone's getting along -- sounds like a relatively healthy way to handle divorce.

Brotha just got hosed by having to take that damn hamster. That sucks.

Whoa. That apartment complex sounds like a place I lived to when I first moved to San Diego. Some scary-ass fucks lived there.

This guy's gonna to be ok. Every female poster on here wants to give him a comforting shoulder -- plus a BJ. Bodes well.

Pat said...

Somehow I think you got the short end of the stick if the only thing you got when you guys divided up your stuff was the hamster. Unless it talks like Alvin and Theodore. Wait. They are chipmunks. Never mind. You got a raw deal.

Divorce sucks.

I don't want to hear about you buying those BIG jars of peanut butter from COSTCO or SAM'S club, either.

Mike said...

If you are going to eat the hamster, two things:

#1 - make sure the kids aren't still attached to it. I got my niece a hamster. A few months later she said she was bored with it. So what's with all the tears?

#2 - Make sure you fatten the thing up first. Hamsters aren't very filling on the best of times.

nonamedufus said...

Woah, drop by after a while away and you're just full of news. Makes my caption contest a tad insignificant. (Nice captions by the way.)

Amicable? Sure that's what she says now. Uh-oh, your wife - ex - reads your blog?!

Re: the hamster, as long as it's staring at you and not you at it, in a loving, longing, lustful fashion.

Best of luck to you all, including the hamster.

Tgoette said...

Dude, that is a shame about the D, but having been there a couple times now, its almost always for the best. Good to see it was amicable, and I hope it remains as such.

Now get out there and start your new adventure! Enjoy life!

P.S. A hamster is an awful wingman. Just sayin.

Elly Lou said...

Drink lots of fluids and don't underestimate the value of lube.

See, the only "thy" I seem to have is pithy.

Normally I'd say "hugs" here but we both now it would just be wicked awkward when I felt your boner on my leg. Again.

Jeannette E. Spaghetti said...

Hey, welcome to the club! I don't have kids, but I am twice-divorced. I think it's better when both parties agree to the divorce. Then again, I'm single, living in my newly purchaed/renttoownfromthebank HOME sweet home, with a yard that requires maintenance and a scary plumbing situa---.....

Getting off track. I hope you'll both be happy; as long as you're both happy, the kids will be happy.

Then again, it's 5:45 in the morning, I'm unemployed, looking for work like a maniac since, well, I lost my job three weeks after buying a house. Don't even get me started on insomnia and quarter-to-six Aunt Jemima croissants with sausage and cheese and the small remainders of Monday night's wine.

Single life. Gotta love it. LOVE!

Jeannette E. Spaghetti said...

PS - One day you need to write a blog post entitled:

There is no P in Hamster: Unless it's the Hampster Dance.

I won't, because I have no hamster. Then again, I worked in pet stores a lot back in the day and a hamster is one of the many animals who bit me; but it is the only animal where a mom and daughter were interested in one and I pulled the cage out to see a half-eaten head off of one and (19-yr-old me): YIKES! This one looks---- (Kid): Like half it's head was eaten off by---- (Mom): Diarrhea! They had diarrhea. Let's just look in another cage.

OOOooookay. Coping mechanism number, four? Really? You see animals in a cage, one with -not just half their face chewed away- but half their skull is missing, and you can see brains and--- I get it! ....but IF kids are present you call it "diarrhea!"

And that is why I'll never own a hamster. Don't even get me started on the ferret incidentS. That's right, more than one.

Ann Imig said...

As a child of co-custody all I can say is

well

you can tell which picture days I came from Dad's house...

Good luck! (and seriously, congratudolences)

bikramyogachick said...

ah, I'm so sorry! I know you said it's amicable, but still....
best of luck with everything.

Stacey said...

Best of luck.

And godspeed to that little hamster.

HeyJoe said...

I guess this post answers my question. Hmmm. I'd say "sorry to hear," but it sounds like it's what you want so I'll just say best of luck.

Sunny said...

Actually, congratulations are in order. But sometimes, it takes a while to see the benefits. I still don't understand the dumbass who thought it was a good idea for a man and a women to commit themselves to each other forever. I mean my (2nd) husband and I struggle putting up with each others shit every fucking day of our lives.

And speaking of hubby, his dick doesn't taste anything like pineapple OR strawberries. I KNEW I WAS DOING SOMETHNG WRONG!

A Vapid Blonde said...

Love your candor.

Also Lisa Loomis...I had to read that like ten times over and not because I am really all that vapid but because I kept thinking I was missing something but nope.

Really, this post on the end of your marriage is the best post of any end of anything I have read ever. Laughter is a must in my world!

Onward to you and X Mrs. Moooooog35

CatLadyLarew said...

Quick and painless? I think not. Been there, done that. Best of luck with the hamster thing... looking on the bright side, they do fit better in apartments than dogs. (But who gets custody of the dog toys?)

Loco YaYa said...

obviously the jokes are endless.

i will only say good luck.

BadLarry said...

Mooog, I'm sorry to hear about the divorce. Is it because you brought up the "Nifty Snowman Sweater"?

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Aww dude. Good luck to you and your estranged missus in the future. I 'm happy it's amicable as that obviously makes things so much easier. If easier is a word in this situation.

Does this mean you're shopping for leopard skin seat coverings and a water bed for your bachelor pad?

Seriously though, sorry. :(

Kernut the Blond said...

It's ok, you can tell us the truth. You left Mrs. Moog for the hamster. (My sympathies to x Mrs. Moog.)

I know you two will be very happy together, just like me and my cat.

BTW - Being single rocks! And you're hot ;) AND have a Harley. You're going to be beating them off. (NO no no, I said THEM not IT. *sigh*)

Anonymous said...

Congrats?! I used to have a hamster named Izzy, but I named him after Izzy Stradlin from Guns 'N Roses. I'm betting you didn't. Also I think my hamster may have been female, but Izzy is kind of unisex?

I need a drink.

woman:confused said...

I gotta say, an amicable divorce is the BEST! I got one of those 2 years ago. The lonely thing gets easier, the kid thing gets easier and the "deal with the crap with the ex" gets easier. No matter how amicable, there will be crap.
Oh! and have fun dating.

Zoe Right said...

Sorry Moog

Phillipia said...

Sorry, man. Divorce SUCKS - no matter how amicable you think it is going to be...Sorry mostly for the kids....they will survive but it still sucks for them...but that is just the ex-hating Mom in me talking ....

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Sucks big time, big guy. I'm sorry. But maybe it's for the better? Not for the hamster though...

Patyrish said...

awww how sad Moog. I am glad to hear that it's amicable though. Too many times I see divorces that are SO HORRIBLE and the kids get thrown into the middle and it's just....well it sux. YAY for you and Mrs. Moog for keeping it together and remaining friends.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Well damn! I had no idea.

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

Wow looks like your bachelor partay is already getting started! If I were you I'd be kinda scared of all these horny women talking about your uh disco stick, Rodney. Be sure to keep plenty of rubbers nearby. It's raining valtrex out there.

I'd be scared as hell to be single these days...but then again I'm pretty much scared of everything. Except hamsters. Well, scratch that..thanks to Ms. Spaghetti!

Good luck to you both!

JD at I Do Things said...

Sorry to hear about your divorce. That's all the apathy you'll get from me, because DUDE! You're living the crazy single life we've all dreamed of! Now with hampster!

Vodka Logic said...

Is there another apartment in the building. I would like to live alone and always wanted to move back to NH....

Good luck dude and I have posted a warning to all single, hell all woman of NH...hell New England.

Jessica said...

Mooogy - I'm a little late to the game and just reading this. I know you're not looking for any touch-feeling shit, but I'm sorry and hope you're doing ok.

Now go fuck yourself. Or the hamster.

Jen said...

Holy crap, Mooog! I take a little hiatus from blog-reading at the office and come back to THIS??!

I'm glad you and the X Missus are getting along well...hopefully that continues and you don't find out through your lawyer that her lawyer said that she wants every single solitary thing you've ever owned (just happened to a friend of mine).

Leave that poor hamster alone...she's been through a lot and is probably wondering where the kids are and what she did wrong to be abandoned.

lbluca77 said...

Well if you get lonely I’m pretty sure hamsters work in the same way as gerbils. Ask Richard Gere.

meleah rebeccah said...

Holy. Fuck.

Im sorry to hear this news.

Truly.

I don't even know what to say,except that its GOOD to hear you are both staying on amicable terms.

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