When my kids stay at my apartment...
(codename: Chez I-can't-believe-I-now-live-in-a-goddamn-apartment)
..they pack with them games and dolls and toys and to be honest with you it's really ruining the 'Swinging Bachelor Pad' vibe of my place even though the cute little hamster in the pink cage with the giant Habitrail set pretty much does that already.
She's so cute!
I wub her! Yes I dooooo!
*ahem
So, the other morning I wake up on the sleeper sofa because the kids take my bed when they come over because all I could afford was a one-bedroom apartment (thank you, outrageous child support payments!) and look over wearily at my coffee table and see this:
O.
K.
???
So my kids had somehow set these things up so that they look like they just got into some kind of weird doll/toy argument and why would anyone want a stuffed animal thingy that looks so goddamn PISSED OFF?
So it got me thinking about what they might have been arguing about.
Of course.
Who knew my trailer-trash discounted coffee table could be such a hotbed of tension?
Probably my little hamster.
She's so cute and smart and..
I'll stop now.
maybe it was a family portrait of you and the ex
ReplyDeleteI like my stuffed animal thingys just like I like my coffee...black, fuzzy and bitter.
ReplyDeletetoo funny. I loved the sarah jessica one. hahahah my thoughts exactly
ReplyDeleteI'm still distracted by the photo of the hamster cage. Look at it just a little closer - specifically that white-ish tube in the middle. Now own up to it Moooooogsey. That's the most intricately disguised penis pump ever, isn't it?! ISN'T IT?!??
ReplyDeleteYou are living the dream, my brother.
ReplyDeleteThat picture of the doll on top (of the page...get your mind out of the gutter) will be the subject of my nightmares for months to come.
Thanks!
Lolzords.
ReplyDeleteWas the doll at the top a prop from The Hills Have Eyes? That thing is disgusting!
ReplyDeletewho: I doubt it...although the full head of hair is definitely flattering.
ReplyDeleteWilliam: Preaching to the choir my friend.
Dazee: I don't see how anyone could really disagree.
Elly: One way to find out, baby.
Brutalism: You're welcome.
Kay: zords, the other white meat.
Dorn: I will be shipping it to you shortly. Enjoy your sleepless nights.
Um, couple of question:
ReplyDeleteDo you clean the hamster cage or do you wait for the kids to come over?
Do you get hamster support?
Just curious.
You are a genius. That's all.
ReplyDeletep.s. #5 had me cackling non-stop. Thanks.
It may be time to get you fitted for a new jacket....one with straps and restraints.
ReplyDeleteI always thought nothing said "Manly Man" like a pretty pink rodent contraption thingy... for reals.
ReplyDeleteThose toys better get checked, never know what happens on that coffee table when they're not around.
ReplyDeleteIs anyone monitoring you?
ReplyDeletebtw, how could the poor stuffed guy pull out without any arms?
Love it! Where do you come up with this shit?
ReplyDeletenoname: wow, dude...that's a lot of hamster questions.
ReplyDeletethat's what she said.
what?
Absence: Thank you. I'm here all week.
Sadly.
Mad Woman: Why? What's wrong with the one I have now?
Kate: I don't think that's a Barbie. Hold on...let me check her tag..it's here under the skirt and...
Spanky: So true.
So. True.
Momma: I have pictures.
Mrsblogalot: I'm curious as to what you think 'pull out' means and why you'd need arms to do it.
Please explain.
Ms. Salti: If I knew the answer to that, I'd be saving a ton of money in therapy bills.
I hope/bet the hamster instigates these fights.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait for the blog post when you find the brutal doll murder that occurs one night.
Man with hamster is a chick magnet. Wait till you take it out for a walk. Don't forget the hamster leash!
ReplyDeleteThat hamster cage screams macho man!
ReplyDeleteThat pink hamster cage is awesome!
ReplyDeleteChild Support? You carry the health insurance? Then there be no child support!
ReplyDeleteSweet baby Jesus! Why would anyone make a Don Rickles sex doll?! The horror!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing, ya hockey puck!
Cleveland: The hamster is a total instigator. I believe it has to do with the teasing.
ReplyDeleteWannabe: The only way the hamster is a chick magnet if it's the repelling side.
Absence: CATFIGHT!
Eva: Yes. Macho like the Village People.
Notsomuch.
Meleah: I KNOW!
Malach: You silly Massachusetts people and your 'rules.'
Sister: Didn't notice that until you said it and now I wish you hadn't.
So..you know. Thanks.
I used to think clowns were the scariest things ever. Until I saw that doll in the first picture.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to steal that pic for MY Coffee Table for Two. heh. heh.
ReplyDeleteOne a regular day, I am the angry short fat fuzzy dude. When my daughter is pms-ing, it's the other way around.
I proud of you dude.
ReplyDeleteYou're finally playing with dolls you don't have to inflate first.
Lol tomorrow..EnJoY..!!
ReplyDeleteLOL!!! You never fail to bring the smiles and laughs.. still it makes me sad to think of you in your not so much bachelor, bachelor pad.
ReplyDeleteI do NOT miss my hamster cage with all the little ribbed areas where the hamster pee solidifies on. I had a huge cage - but the hamsters never peed on anything BUT the tubes and, really, that's some gluey smelly stuff.
ReplyDeleteI like Argument #2 best...perhaps I need to hook up with that little stuffed guy...he thinks just like me. :)
This is one of the funniest things I have ever read!
ReplyDeleteEVER!
Also? Why the hell is *that* doll so pissed off???!!!
After seeing the kids toys, I am wondering if you have ever wondered if the separation, like, damaged them? I'd be very afraid if I saw my kid toting a baby doll like that one at the top of the page. That's more like something I would carry. And I know *I* am damaged...
ReplyDeleteAfter seeing the picture of that "baby" doll, I am having a hard time processing what I am reading. Awesome.
ReplyDeleteHoly shit. That was awesome. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteNice. :-)
ReplyDeletePearl
Looks like me and one of my exes, who refused to pull out of some floozy.
ReplyDeletemooooooog, you don't have to hide behind an angry weeble smurf character to make your inner thoughts known.
ReplyDeletethese were hilarious, my favorite was number 4. keep the great stuff coming!
ReplyDeletehttp://lifeonrye.blogspot.com
is that a real hampster or have your kids joined the zhuzhu pets cult of idiots? Please say its real.
ReplyDeletePerfect accoutrement for your trailer trash coffee table. Question: Do you have to pay for your kids' therapy on top of the child support? How about the hamster's?
ReplyDelete