Hamster Pink is the New Hamster Black | Mental Poo

Monday, August 02, 2010

Hamster Pink is the New Hamster Black



When my wife and I decided to divorce, the first thing on my agenda after purchasing condoms was to find another place to live.

After being reminded several times about the restraining order (MARK MY WORDS...one day I WILL HAVE YOU, Jessica Alba!) I settled on an apartment complex in my town about 4 minutes away from the house.

I was happy about '4 minutes' because I could sell that to the kids as, "See kids? It only takes FOUR MINUTES to get to daddy's which is HALF THE TIME IT TAKES PAYTON TO SHOWER" which is the truth since it takes my daughter 8 minutes (she has a TIMER) to shower even though she's only 9 years old SERIOUSLY WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE FOR EIGHT MINUTES?! but you know what?...you know what?

I DON'T CARE. I get heat and hot water included in my rent.

HAHAHAHA.

Suckers.


The problem was that there was only a one-bedroom available...and I couldn't look at it until THE DAY BEFORE I WAS TO MOVE IN so I only had the model apartment to go by which was being shown to me by a very lovely woman and by 'very lovely' I mean 'looks like deep facial crevaces are taking their time with this one to make sure they get it right' with the accompanying 'Twelve Packs of Marlboro's a day takes it's toll on the larynx' sexy chemotherapy voice.

Me: "Well..does it look like this one?"

Lady: (coughs up lung)

Me: "I'LL TAKE IT!"

So the day I see the apartment I meet up with Hacky McHackerson who - bless her emphysema - now has to sit through a half hour of bitching from a man moving from a 3500 s.f. 4-bedroom house with a pool and a dog and OH THE LUXURY his own washer and dryer into this:


Ooh.

Fancy.

The king size bed and queen sleeper sofa and fourteen other pieces of furniture I just bought should fit just fine in here if I can just knock these other three walls down and build a house instead.

Awesome.


So Karl Malden is showing me around and I'm starting to feel bad for that poor poor bitch because she's like, "OOH! And here is..A CLOSET!" like I'm just back from my POW stint in Vietnam and I'd love ANYTHING if it wasn't made out of mud and bamboo but instead I'm all, like, "Well this sucks. This won't fit. Is this beam sturdy enough to hold a noose carrying 150 pounds?"

Just when I think it can't possibly be any worse...

I get to the bathroom.


Does anyone know if there is still a waiting period for firearms?

So, armed with my undersize apartment and bathroom that has allowed me to get completely in touch with my feminine side (YAY VAGINAS!) I furnished the place the best I could which included going through TWO sofas because the first sofa I had delivered would not fit in the hallway.

Not the DOOR of the apartment, mind you.

THE HALLWAY OF THE BUILDING.

It's then that my ex-wife drops this bombshell on me:

Ex: "You're taking Izzy."

Izzy.

Who's Izzy?

Meet Izzy, people:


Yes. I got my daughter's hamster because my ex-wife has no idea how to clean said hamster cage.

OH.

Speaking of the hamster cage...

GUESS WHAT FUCKING COLOR IT IS.


Yes.

It's pink.

Because nothing says, "Bachelor Pad" better than a decked-out living room capped off by a two-inch rodent living in a hot pink condominium.


Yeah.

I'm a little jealous of her.

Her sofa fit in the hallway without any problems at all.

**********************

Also:

DON'T FORGET TO ENTER MY HARD ROCK CAFE giveaway contest that features pictures of Kathy Griffin in a bikini!

Two winners will be picked Friday and all you have to do is comment.

You're welcome.

49 comments:

ClevelandPoet said...

just wait till dead hookers start popping up because of Izzy

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Irresistibly hot! You should have women beating your down !!

JD at I Do Things said...

It could be worse. ALL the bathroom tiles could be pink.

Eva Gallant said...

It's not too bad except for the effing hamster cage....can't you at least get a blue one???? lol

Sue said...

Don't worry...hamsters have short lifespans. They live, what...a year? Maybe two...

No pblm.

WILLIAM said...

There is an old urban legend about a news report named Jerry Penacoli and a hamster or maybe it was gerbil. Anyway, look it up...

I hope any hot dates you have over don't think you use the rodent in that way.

Mike said...

Jesus mooog. Turn the lemon into lemonaide, will you?

Hot chicks LOVE gay doods. She'll see your house is pink and it'll seal the deal. Then she'll "convert you" and she can feel all happy about converting the gay dood.

It hasn't worked so far for me, likely because I'm hideously ugly. But you're welcome to give it a shot!

Elly Lou said...

I think Holly meant to say "beating YOU down"as in "Irresistibly hot! You should have women beating YOU down!!"

Or "off" she could have meant "beating you off." Your pick.

Moooooog35 said...

Cleveland: Right..like the hamster would be the initiator of all that.

Midwestern: Beating my what?!

JD: Thanks. I feel so much better.

Eva: It's a girl hamster. That just seems cruel.

Sue: IZZY, NOOOOOO!

William: Wait..I thought that was Richard Gere.

Mike: You're, like, 7 shades of helpful.

Elly: My pick? Guess which one I choose.

Heather said...

I think hamsters are sexy. Wear shirts with a tiny pocket up top and let her ride in it with you everywhere. Then whisper into your pocket in weird places and you will get laid by those chicks who dig sleeping with crazy men. Bonus to that, they usually feel the need to take care of said crazy man so that's like a win win win!

Quirkyloon said...

Me thinks it's time to whip out some Aerosmith.

"Pink it's my new obsession.
Pink it was love at first sight,
Pink nah nah nah nah naaaaah."

Hey I never claimed to know all the words.

Pink.

Vodka Logic said...

Hide the hamster in the closet when you have "guests" over?

Maybe it will be a chick magnet like a puppy... yeah prob not.

Maxie said...

you should have added a sound file of how you exclaim "izzy's up!" every time she wakes up.

i think everyone deserves to hear that.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

There is one GLARING omission from your MS paint tags on the furnished living room shot.

The one pointing to the couch which says: this is where I abuse myself relentlessly to low-grade porn the other 5-7 hours of my day.

Very disappointing.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

at least there are only three pink tiles in your bathroom. on. that. wall.

Coffeypot said...

Wait! You have a HAMSTER. HAHAHAHA I bet it smells like shit.

MJenks said...

Just when I'm THAT close to walking out, you crash reality into my shins, causing me to fall to the floor and continue on with the suffering.

Thanks, dude.

J.J. said...

This is why I'm not married. Not that I'D be the one moving out, but still.

Jen said...

Yeah, it all sucks but look at that TV!

Kathy said...

Dude, don't you wish you were color-blind around now?

My first house had an all-pink bathroom. The first thing my husband did was enter with a gallon of white and he didn't come out until it was empty. I feel for ya, man.

Tarheel Rambler said...

Let me help you find your blessings:

At the age of 44, my ex-wife and I parted company. She got the 2000 sq.ft. house, and I got a 10'x14' dorm room in graduate student housing. It was my choice, but twelve months of that gave me a new appreciation for the mobile home I grew up in.

Pat said...

That's all I've gotta say is, I hope those condoms have a long expiration date on them (if they even have one) because you ain't getting lucky for a LONG time with ole Mr. Hamster in the living room and a PINK bathroom.

Just saying....

WannabeVirginia W. said...

I actually feel a little bit bad for you. Okay I am over it. Seriously, make sure you don't put Izzy and unknown gender hamster because before you know it, you will have hamlets all over the place. I speak from experience. Damn kids.

DOG3OY said...

is the stove gas or electric, no statement is greater than both blowing up your self and the apartment and the neighbors

Malach the Merciless said...

I would of just moved in with the Parental Units

Mrsblogalot said...

Izzy is so going to be your chick magnet.

cardiogirl said...

Wait a minute, you're leaving a 3,500 sq. ft. house behind? Couldn't you do something to make that union work?

Actually your place cleans up pretty well after your furniture is in there. And the hamster condo is stellar.

Moooooog35 said...

Heather: You sound like you speak from experience.

Quirky: I gave up on Aerosmith after the entire Alicia Silverstone debacle.

Vodka: "Hide the hamster in the closet" sounds similar to a game we play.

Maxie: There are certain things I yell out at certain times that are only to be heard by certain people.

"Izzy's up" is one of those.

Pretty certain.

No idea.

Speaking: Excuse me...even low grade porn is still porn.

Stephanie: ON THAT WALL. Correct.

Ugh.

Coffey: Actually..she smells like wood chips and lube.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Mjenks: I'm here for you.

JJ: Wait...are you offering to come clean my hamster cage?

Jen: The tv is there to distract from the pinkness and hamsterness.

It's working!

Kathy: Yes.

Yes I do.

Tarheel: Graduate student housing sounds AWESOME.

I just have a bunch of losers.

Present company excluded, of course.

Pat: Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Wannabe: One hamster is enough, thank you.

Dog3oy: It's electric.

I can't even cut a suicide break.

Malach: No. No you wouldn't.

Trust me.

Mrsblogalot: Really? Somehow, I don't see that happening.

Cardio: HA! Mrsblogalot was right! She IS a chick magnet?

What time should I expect you?

germ said...

If you ask me Izzy looks lonely. Honestly, who gets just one hamster? What you need to do is get her a friend so she’s not sad when you’re too busy “working late” with your job, blog, etc. Stop being a selfish bastard and embrace the fact that you just became landlord of a hot pink (and blue) condominium complex. If you’re lucky Izzy will get pregnant and birth a litter of hundreds of hamsters, in which case you can turn the condominium into a community by extending the tubes throughout your entire apartment. If not, you can almost guarantee Izzy will be hanging from a stripper pole before her 3-month birthday because of the obvious neglect forming into “daddy doesn’t love me” syndrome. I’ve seen it a thousand times you monster. If you’re going to do it, do it right. Besides, if your labyrinth of hamsters doesn’t get you laid I’m sure Karl Malden would let you put a cigarette out in her ashtray. ;)

Ben said...

I fear the pink plus hamster is going to land you on one of those shows about men luring little girls over for super secret special time.

A Vapid Blonde said...

I think you and Izzy are going to make beautiful music together, and by that I mean you *might* be able to here the tiny muffled screams from Izzy as he buries his head in the cedar chips to sheild his virgin eyes from all the "getting in touch with your feminine side"

sunny said...

Well...if you went from that big of a house to that tiny place and made it look halfway livable, you are a genius. You should be on "That small space" or something. (you know they have a show called that somewhere) Also, you must have left most of your shit which is kind of cleansing. I want to leave my shit...but my husband is in there somewhere so I get to keep them as a set. IM me, I need vaca ideas in NH

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

The place cleans up very well.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

You made me Mr. Sadpants.

lacochran's evil twin said...

8 minutes is a long shower to you? At 8 minutes, I'm just getting started.

lbluca77 said...

Its like you live in Barbie's dream home

A Vapid Blonde said...

You know what would be awesome? If I could spell, even just a little bit.

Moooooog35 said...

Germ: Pretty sure you just answered the question of 'why just one hamster.'

Ben: AGAIN?!?!

Vapid: Izzy is a girl.

Huh.

Still no less creepy.

Sunny: I am a genius. Thank you.

Tee: You should see it after a night of Mexican food, though.

MikeWJ: Um.

Okay.

?

lachocran's twin: At 8 minutes I'm sleeping already.

Wait..what are we talking about?

lbluca: I'm not sure if that makes me Barbie or Ken.

Or if that's good either way.

Vapid: I here ya.

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

There's only one thing missing from your cool, pink new bachelor pad: Barry Manilow blaring on the stereo. I'm sending you some 8 tracks, STAT!!!

Tracie said...

My husbands bathroom used to be pink. It had a pink toilet, tub, tiles, sink - EVERYTHING. He lived with it for 9 years. It was less messy than cutting off his balls.

dana said...

Wait.....when I divorced MY husband, I said he could stay in the house until he found someplace he liked....it took him over a month and, in the meantime, while I was at work he robbed me blind on the day he moved out. YOUR wife sounds like a beaatch. But a smart beaatch.

Brutalism said...

You shouldn't worry, I hear that pink is the new lavender. I mean, it's the new sparkly rainbow jazz hands. I mean, it's the new *fabulous*

I'm not helping, am I?

A Vapid Blonde said...

I just realized why you don't like my blue cabinets.

You prefer pink.

This whole post is a coming out for you, right?

My Momma Drama said...

mark my words - that hamster is going to get you some chicks. and my chicks I mean "vajayjay"

SisterMerryHellish said...

Dude! That bathroom isn't for you! It's for all the ladies you bought those condoms for. And if a pink hamster condo doesn't seal the deal then I don't know what!

PS: If this ends up posted twice be gently with me. I'm baby fresh to this stuff!

BadLarry said...


When my wife and I decided to divorce, the first thing on my agenda after purchasing condoms was to find another place to live. - Moog


Oh moog, poor poor moog. Get with the times man, no one uses condoms anymore. We all went old-school and now rely on the "pull out and pray" method.

BadLarry said...

lacochran's evil twin said...

8 minutes is a long shower to you? At 8 minutes, I'm just getting started.


Oh God, please tell me you mean actually taking a shower, and not what is causing the squeals of delight that creep out your neighbor?

Opto-Mom said...

I think the pink bottle of shampoo and the pink box of tissues are a nice touch. If ya can't lick 'em, join 'em.
(I am sincerely sorry about the lick 'em comment, and I hope it doesn't throw you into a fit of sexually frustrated rage.)

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Oh I love your pink pajamas with monkeys!!! Where could I get one?! ;-)

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