The Inflatable Disturbances

When you have kids, some shit just shouldn't surprise you.

Like finding Barbie dolls naked and spread eagle on your bathroom counters (SCORE!) or finding out that the dog just ate three small socks and a Polly Pocket or finding yourself saying something like, "Honey..if you're going to play with your feet make sure you wash your hands before supper."

I thank God every day that I got myself that vasectomy.

But some shit they do still scares me.

Like when I walked into the bathroom to take a piss, turned my head to the left and saw THIS peering out from the shower curtain:


What. Thefuck.

So after I screamed and peed on the wall a little and then kind of looked at it and liked the design I made so I peed on it a little more and made this entire urinary adventure into some disturbing yet germy Rorschach experiment and now I'm glad I bought latex paint for in here because it's SO much easier to get Rorschach pee stains off the wall I decided to go grab a kitchen knife and take a look around the house for other creepy balloons.

This was not as difficult as it sounds.

Because, apparently, my kids are going to be serial killers.

The first ones I came across (not literally) were these TWO that my daughter drew...

Please note that these were REMOVED FROM THE SAME SHOWER (wtf):




Awesome.

So, for those of you keeping score at home, that's THREE BALLOONS that I found IN THE SHOWER with faces drawn on them.

It's like normalcy knocked on my door and then left in a hurry when we answered it holding butcher knives screaming, "COME ON IN, WE'RE ABOUT TO MAKE CHILI!!"

Anyway, after I take the above photos, I literally TURN AROUND and on the toy shelf behind me is this inflated Picasso:


Okay..that's a little more normal of a face and..

..um..

..what's on the back of it..?

I spin the balloon around and see this:


*pees on wall

Nice.

Apparently my son can only draw creepy evil grinning balloons that would freak out Freddy Krueger and may or may not be a bit of foreshadowing into his future as the next 'master of horror' or 'creepy man driving around the neighborhood in a blacked-out van.'

So. Proud.

This is shit I used to find lying around my house on a regular basis and which also explains the strong scent of urine from my jeans. I just wish they'd just stick to the naked spread-eagle Barbie dolls lying around on the counters instead.

FYI..even with a vasectomy, you can still ejaculate.

Perhaps I've said too much.