There's Some Plastic Fornication Going On Here | Mental Poo

Monday, June 07, 2010

There's Some Plastic Fornication Going On Here

I see a lot of shit in my house.

Most notably when I forget to take the dog out, but whatever.

My daughter owns roughly the population of China in dolls.

The only differences are that (a) she's allowed to have girl dolls and (3.14159) they would probably drive better if they could reach the pedals.

Throwing in racist comments willy nilly is a special talent.

I've digressed.

So my daughter usually spends hours playing with her dolls in her room.

Lately, though, I've been walking into the bathroom and seeing shit like this:


That erection came from NOWHERE.

So I do what every normal parent does, which is after pulling the top down just a bit to see the goods and maybe whispering 'suck it, suck it' while waggling my penis at it and then posing it in multiple positions while taking photos of it, I closed her legs, cleaned the counter (hand washing is ESSENTIAL) and left the bathroom.

It's called good parenting, people.

Or severe mental degeneration.


So a couple of days go by and I walk in the bathroom and now see this:

What. The fuck.

It's like my house is full of weird horny Barbie dolls shacking up with random guy dolls that have some really really good hair (SO JEALOUS) on my bathroom counter (read: HOT) but at least they have the decency, apparently, to cover up their bits when they're done and I pray to God what I'm looking at splattered on the counter over here is actually just toothpaste.

So I've asked my daughter to stop playing with her dolls in the bathroom.

As soon as I give them back to her.

Perhaps I've said too much.


Maxie said...

Consider yourself lucky.

My barbies used to recreate 2 girls, 1 cup before it even existed.

I hope my mom is proud.

Duffmano said...

My Han Solo doll used to get all the action in my house. There was a line a mile long outside the Barbie camper for his services.
THose Ken dolls used to play cards at the pool behind the townhouse and bitch about him constantly.
Luke used to go there to feel better about kissing his sister.

MrsBlogAlot said...

I have a feeling that your daughter will never get her dolls back.

This is definitely another must have chapter for that good parenting book.

The Demigoddess said...

Hilairz! Haha. Would I be a bad parent if I didn't buy dolls for my future daughter in light of this blog post? This is all your fault.

WILLIAM said...

Does Barbie swallow?

Stefanie said...

I think I am going to need a little more coffee.

pattypunker said...

um, i kinda need a panty liner after this post.

could you get me the name 170 degrees' waxing girl?

cfoxes33 said...

Funniest post I have read today! CRACK ME UP!

Elly Lou said...

Holy God my Barbie's NEVER mastered that move. I've been gipped! Well, I guess technically it was Ken that missed out. Obviously I have to blame this on Lindsay Lohan, yet again.

JD at I Do Things said...

But what good is that spread-eagled position if there's only a small rectangle of plastic in between?

Unknown said...

I sometimes worry that you have way too much time (and who knows what else?) on your hands!!

Donnie said...

You spend a lot of time in the bathroom don't you? That's okay though. So did Jeffrey Dahmer. He always made a mess when eating, but he rushed strait to the bathroom and locked the door. He was soooo good about cleaning himself. So you continue to do the same thing and maybe you will become like Jeffrey.

Brutalism said...

It's not a problem until you start buying your daughter Barbie dolls that are your "type."

Oh, already do that, don't you?

Rebekah Mae said...

DUDE! My Barbie's legs never spread that far apart! What the hell?!
and the sad thing is my Barbie was a mega slut, she was having sex with Ken (Steve actually since Ken is only for White Ken doll, and black Ken needs a new name. Like Steve) like five times a day so she could have used that extra flexibility. *sigh*

Moooooog35 said...

Maxie: Your mom is very proud. I just asked her.

Dufmanno: Why wasn't Ken at Han Solo's door?


Demi: Don't blame me. Your husband is thinking the SAME THING.

And maybe a little bit about Miley Cyrus.

Pat: Are you seriously asking me what the Barbie dolls would do to each other?


William: I don't kiss and tell.

Stefanie: I'll be here. Holler when you get back.

Pattypunker: You need a panty liner? Did I just make you menstruate? wtf.

Cfoxes: You need to read more stuff.

Elly: RIGHT?!

JD: Trust don't want the details.

Eva: I could tell you tales.

You might want to box your ears for this.

Don: People. It's what's for dinner.


* whistles and slowly walks away

Rebekah: OMG is it hot in here now?

Joann Mannix said...


I've been gone for a week and THIS is what I've missed about this vast universe of blogdom.

I told you, GI Joe is the man. Your daughter's Barbies have got to be faking it with Ken and his gay hair and his lack of a visible penis.

What if they really ARE like the toys in Toy Story? If it's true, your daughters managing a Swinger's Club right there in her bathroom.

Alyssa said...

My parents like to tell the story that when I was a child, the first thing I did with any Barbie doll (or Ken or Skipper dolls) was take their clothes off and put them in funny positions.

The reality of this story is that my brother used to wait until I left the room for a few minutes, sneak in there to strip and reposition my dolls, then sneak out so that when I came back with a parent, that's what they saw.

Have you questioned your boychild? ;)

Sarah said...

Barbies familiarized me with the concept of scissoring, and I don't mean they were cutting each other's hair.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

So...ok...I took my kids to a park yesterday. It features a giant curly slide which is completely saturated in urine. So much so that you cannot actually slide down that slide. I wouldn't let my kids go down it.

One little girl was throwing her naked barbie dolls down that slide and I had indecent thoughts about that. The end.

I'm so glad I have sons.

Chris said...

How did the phrase "Kung Fu Grip" not find its way into this post?

bikramyogachick said...

I think you would have loved my princess lea doll. Too bad she was in her white robes and not in her slave gear...

clevelandpoet said...

at least you're gonna give the dolls back


the wife and I are horrible we can't get through a toy aisle or someone who has kids house without stopping to put toys or dolls into some sort of sexual position.

we'll be great parents

meleah rebeccah said...

Maybe this is why my mother never let me have any Barbie Dolls?

Malach the Merciless said...

Get that girl some My Little Ponies, and let fun begin!

Vodka Logic said...

lol... Williams comment.

Barbies turn you on??????

MommaKiss said...

yet another reason to be happy that i have boys. unless those boys like barbies. because i like boobs. and, um, did that make any sense at all?

Annah said...

Bahahhahahahhaa. This was cute and funny :)

Narm said...

If you had showed up five minutes earlier you would have seen Ken crying and saying, "This has never happened before!"

Those dolls are so lifelike. said...

I cannot get the image of Barbie crotch outta my head. It's sterile, yet disturbing.

Jen said...

I just noticed a naked Barbie stuck in the tree in the backyard. She too is in a rather interesting position. I'd remove her from the tree but I don't have a ladder tall enough. I will take pictures and post. Ken is nowhere to be found.

Rico Swaff said...

Haha, when I saw the picture of the spread eagle barbie, I was expecting some sort of caption which expressed concern with your daughter's Barbie behaviour, but no.... the caption reads, "If you find a real girl who does MARRY HER." Funny shit.

Rico Swaff said...

Haha, when I saw the picture of the spread eagle barbie, I was expecting some sort of caption which expressed concern with your daughter's Barbie behaviour, but no.... the caption reads, "If you find a real girl who does MARRY HER." Funny shit.

The Dish said...

Too bad for Barbie, she has no va-jay-jay. Hard to be a slut that way, for those of you that don't believe hummers and rim jobs are sex! ;)

Moooooog35 said...

Joann: You've been gone?!?!?

I back!

Alyssa: son doing it makes more sense, actually.

So proud.


Becky: So much wrong with you. And that's ME saying that.


Bikram: No worries. I have my own.


Cleveland: Go check out my work Elmo post.

We are brethren.

Meleah: Actually, she had a very different reason.


Vodka: Are they not supposed to?

Momma: You had me at "I like boobs."

YAY you.


Narm: I've been wondering where my pills have been disappearing to.

HipHop: wait..Barbie is sterile?!?

Jen: um. wtf?

Rico: Welcome, my Mental Poo.

Tracie: The more you know.

The Dish: OMG I'm so horny now.

Vapid: Great. I made another woman cry.

steff said...

i must've fallen in a black hole or a worm hole or just *a* hole (ha! get it?) bc i've clearly been missing all the mental poo awesome as of late.
anyway i just wanted to say that i loved this and my pre-adolescent self is mightily jealous of your daughter for having so many ken dolls. in my house it was like a 20:1 ratio of barbies to kens.
let's just say my ken doll was a bu-HIZ-y man tryin to keep all those fembots satisfied.
*IF* you know what i mean...

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