You don't have to ask me twice, people.
Enjoy.
Yep.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
Unless you're Jewish. Then it just looks like a regular Friday.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
The Moooooog Family Holiday Letter
So hot on the heels of my "Divorced Person Holiday Cards," someone commented that at least I didn't do or get those stupid holiday letters where people write about what bullshit they and their family did over the past year.
You don't have to ask me twice, people.
Enjoy.
Yep.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
Unless you're Jewish. Then it just looks like a regular Friday.
You don't have to ask me twice, people.
Enjoy.
Yep.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
Unless you're Jewish. Then it just looks like a regular Friday.
Now THAT's a Christmas update: both informative and decorative.
ReplyDeleteI'll be by for carols and spiked egg nog later.
Pearl
I've gotta be perfectly honest but I'm a bit taken aback by the line about the blowtorch.
ReplyDeleteI always thought it would be auto-erotic asphyxiation that finally got ya.
Now that's a holiday newsletter I wouldn't minde getting in the mail! lol
ReplyDeleteExcept for the feces on the toothbrush part. I think I threw up in my mouth a little on that one.
Love it! So much better than the Christmas letters we usually get. (And I'm doing my best to control my lust!)
ReplyDeleteNOW - if more people sent letters like that I wouldn't mind getting them. I get tired of all the self important look how special we are ones. HONEST ones like yours would matter.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for laughing a little at your pain but you word it in such a humorous way. I HOPE you are laughing your way through these hard times because in the end laughter really is what will pull you through!
:) In the meantime go ahead and spike that eggnog.
My daughter thinks she is a Diva too - they make these ear plugs that are adjustable (they are made of a clay-like substance) and she doesn't even notice I have them in when I wear a hat or something. It does wonders for dampening the sound.
Ice picks in eardrums...
ReplyDeleteWood chipper heads splitting...
It's catchy.
You were kidding about the toothbrush thing right?
Right?
That is exactly the kind of christmas I WANT TO RECEIVE.
ReplyDeleteIf all Christmas letters were written like this we would look forward to them!
ReplyDeleteHee-hee.
ReplyDeleteNow that is funny!
Oh my.
My sides hurt.
Definitely the funniest thing I've read in ages! I know I shouldn't really laugh (and you know by now that I'm sharing in your pain - by the way, I prefer almond paste-filled pains au chocolats to croissants, but they probably have about 1,000 calories per bite so I'm trying to wean myself off them) but sometimes it's great to just say "fuck the world here's what I really think..."
ReplyDeleteHave a great Christmas with your hamster (have you considered getting a Zhu Zhu pet as well? - they'd be great friends, I'm sure); I, in true middle-aged single lady fashion, have a cat of course, but feel that a Zhu Zhu pet is looming large thanks to my younger daughter's Christmas list...
OMFG that's funny.
ReplyDeletePeal: I don't have spikes for the egg nog.
ReplyDeleteRum okay?
Narm: NO NO NO. I'm really proficient at that.
Tee: Nothing says 'happy holidays' like a little regurgitation.
Eva: See? Now you can request BETTER.
Kimber: It's all good, woman. Thanks for your concern.
Kage: karate is that thing where you chop people up with your hands and do kicks and shit. Like serial killing but with a cooler outfit.
Mrsblogalot: Of COURSE I was kidding.
I embellish.
A little.
Dazee: Send $5 and a self-addressed stamped envelope and you, too, can receive one.
BigSis: RIGHT?!
Cluttered: This might be just a coincidence but I offer AMAZING side massages.
Patty: I love that you reference my other shit. Makes me feel special.
Right. There.
Magic27: If I didn't work at Au Bon Pain and know that pains were bread I'd be like, 'man..that's my kind of girl.'
Peggy: *blushes
so I hear that this is when you sign up for a church. I wouldn't know personally, but on TV there are all sorts of hot women who take meals to the single men during the holidays. you should totally capitalize on that. hot women. meals. what's the downside?
ReplyDeleteHahahahahahahahah! I LOVE you! Let me know if the kindergarten teacher doesn't work out!
ReplyDeleteDude, I'd totally hire you to write my holiday letters & cards.
ReplyDeleteOh if only everyone's Christmas newsletter updates looked like that, I might actually read some of them.
ReplyDeleteWell not EXACTLY like that, obviously with their own effed up news. Less about their dear daughter knitting sweaters and winning a pie bake and more about their chronic masturbation and indecent thoughts about nuns. :)
I am inspired to write a Christmas update letter over here now.
ReplyDeleteYou have such skills, and I appreciate that.
We are guilty of sending these.
ReplyDeleteAnd by 'we', I mean my wife.
I hate that shit.
Yours is good though. I might just run off copies of it and put my name on it. It could work with just some minor editing.
This is the second holiday letter I've read this year that references John Goodman's sphincter.
ReplyDeleteYou're very trendy.
And by that...I mean insane.
Well done! I like the chronic masturbation reference. It kinda just sums up your year in frustration.
ReplyDeleteWait till that daughter hits 14. Sell her NOW while you can still get your money out of her... when they hit 14 all you can get for them is a well used kidney and a can of generic beans! Take it from a voice of experience..... even the gypsies wont take them at that age!
ReplyDeleteEAT a muffin! ROFL!
ReplyDeleteMooooooog35, you touched me. Deeply. And I mean in a really nice way, not in the sexual way, you p***e. Oh, wow. Christmas is just a week away.
ReplyDeleteYou're lucky. My daughter is 7 and I want to beat her. This second. I should tell my son to ignore his karate rules and drop kick her (even though it's outside of class) but then I'd have to explain that to their dad and I don't have the money for a lawyer.
ReplyDeleteSo, happy holidays and extra love to ya :)
LOVE IT! I've always wanted to write one of those and shove my wonderful life in people's face... I dare you to send this to relatives.
ReplyDeleteI double dare you! Brilliant...
Why would you want to date a kindergarten teacher? Seems like she would always feel the need to get down on her knees to make sure your shoes are tied, and ....ohhhh, gotcha! The "on her knees thing, right?
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling sucky too. My little nephew (my sister's 17 month old baby) has been sick, and they told us today that it's probably cystic fibrosis. Only about 47% of these kids make it to age 18. Can I have your blowtorch when you're done? Pretty please?
I hope the toothbrush is at least one of those sonic cares, you know so you get a little more satisfaction out of it than just the *knowing*.
ReplyDelete*clapping hands* It was me, it was me who said you didn't have to do the Christmas letter any more. I so love this. I must share. I was reading it to my husband and kept chocking while I was laughing.
ReplyDeleteThat? Is. Funny.
ReplyDeleteOMFG, you're just hilarious! I hate those "oh my family is just wonderful" bleeding heart newsletters myself! I had to blog about them myself earlier in November hoping some of the guilty parties would take the hint.
ReplyDeleteFound your blog through a retweet on Twitter.
Ho Ho Fucking Ho! Merry Christmas! LMAO!
Oh, wow. I'm thinking I want to work "Eat a fucking muffin" into my daily conversation at least once a day.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hear you on that "practicing singing" thing. I can't believe I'm allowed to be a parent.
Perfect Holiday Newsletter!
ReplyDeleteNow THAT'S what I'm talking about!
Merry Christmas! I am typing slowly and carefully here 'cause my backspace does not work either. (btw, one of the BEST LINES ever!)
ReplyDeletep.s. I am so glad I am reading this letter online. So no burning the letter or chopping my hands off necessary.
p.p.s. Please don't take the comment that I want to chop my hands off personally. It's not you. It's me.
Ah, that just warms the cockles of my heart! Definitely the best Christmas letter I've read so far this year.
ReplyDeleteOk dude, seriously if I give you some details would you mind writing mine? I would also like to write ones from the rest of my family that actually contain some true facts instead of hyped up fluff. How much are you charging per Holiday letter and do you have paypal?
ReplyDeleteNow this my friend, this would make a awesome youtube video blog.
ReplyDeleteMoooooog, oh Moooooog, that letter?
ReplyDeleteWell, did you hear my noisy laughing to the point of farting from here?
That was the real kind of funny, not the fake computer !LOL!
Oh, god, you just kill me.
"universal sign for sex the finger in the OK sign and I hope that shit pans out."
Oh, you and Suzy Soro, keep my Prozac down to an affordable level.
I just love you.
andygirl: hot women AND meals?
ReplyDeleteThat's like a classy strip joint but with meals!
Fortunes: Swing by. Maybe you get dibs?
Vinny: DONE. Pay by the letter, please.
Veggie: When did I mention nuns?
I'm going insane.
Lou: Yeah..well...the days all mush together when you're taking Prozac.
catscratch: It's called 'skillz.'
Ed: You're welcome.
Brutalism: Aww. I love you, too.
boldly: what's so frustrating about masturbating. I find it very soooooooooooooooooothing.
injaynes: I am quite a catch.
Also, you will probably catch something.
I've said too much.
Midwestern: At the rate she's going, she's not going to make it to 14.
Nerdy: God. You have NO idea.
Demi: Damn. I wanted to touch you deeply it's just that I don't have the reach, honestly.
Miley: OMG it gets SO MUCH WORSE.
Nikki: I would send it to relatives but I don't like them, either.
Momma: You blow rainbows? Lucky rainbows.
Opto: Geez, woman. Thanks for bringing this down 400 notches. wtf.
Vapid: *whistles
Onemixed: Feel free to take full credit for this on your blog.
You're welcome.
Flutter: I read your name as 'fluffer' and it really perked me up.
ryoko: Welcome and come back soon!!
Like, next week. I have shit to do.
Suburban: I've said 'eat a fucking muffin' 3 times already today and I haven't left the apartment yet.
Middle: Clip and save!
Absence: Are you using my keyboard?!
Boom boom: hahaha. you said 'cockles.'
Peachy: I would totally write yours. Seriously. SO much fun.
Malach: I think it would lose something in the translation but you're right.
Empress: Awww. You know just what to say to a horny single middle aged divorcee.
'Tis the season, Moooooog. Have a holly, jolly, breakdown.
ReplyDeleteExcellent! But I must differ on your assessment of PF Chang's frozen meals. I could live on those things.
ReplyDeleteI love the fact that this letter is not a confession, either. Nice.
Happy Festivus!
Hang on - did YOU write that? Because it's sounds like something you could write. And it's hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI love you.
ReplyDeletep.s. I read this online and I still had to go use some antibacterial.
Merry fucking Christmas to you too.. I have to say sometimes divorce sounds a lot of fun.. got a fold out couch???
ReplyDeleteOhmygod! Fanstastic! Let's commiserate, i'll bring the eggnog. No wait, fuck that idea, make it cognac - it is the holidays afterall.
ReplyDeleteThat brought tears to my eyes! Not in a good way, but still.
ReplyDeleteI'm jealous of that kindergarten teacher. Not the part where she spends her day wiping the noses of little shits, but the after school hot dad with boner gyrating towards you whilst making ape sounds part. It reminds me of every day on the subway.
ReplyDeleteI have a sewing kit. If you want I can drop by and sew your daughters lips shut. You can repay me with ape sounds.
Dood.
ReplyDeleteYou need to find the special cowshit for the boyrfriends toothbrush. The one that has the DANGEROUS E.Coli.
Just sayin.
Well - that was effing GREAT. That's about all I can say about that.
ReplyDeleteWish I could be SO honest in my Christmas "update" letter! ha ha
But my mom would do the same thing on facebook.....LOL
If I get a Christmas Card that feels like it may have a letter in it, I check to see if it's actually money, then (when it's not, because IT NEVER IS) I shove the whole thing into my super duper crosscut shredder while laughing like a maniac. Nobody gets a Christmas Card from me...nobody, because I shred their addresses. From now on though, I'll always read yours.
ReplyDeleteI rarleey get Christmas letters or cards. And when I do I get the ones that has generic messages with their handwritten "Dears" and "Loves." The worst I got was when I pulled out a card and lo and behold, glittered snowflakes and glitters fell.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand all the complaining - you should be celebrating. Peace and quiet - your own space (where you can chronically masturbate whenever you want, and, by the way it sounds like you have no problem finding your "heart" at all - just saying) - and forget about the poop on the toothbrush - you need to visit Poopsenders,com and send over some anonymous Rhinoserous poo.
ReplyDeleteStay away from the teacher if you are going to have to be going back to that school for any number of years.
Divorce sucks - I've done it twice
If you don't send that letter out to every person you know, you will ruin my Christmas.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest writing it longhand to really personalize the holiday greeting for your recipients, but your carpel tunnel is probably getting pretty bad from all that masturbation.
I know why the stats spiked...the comments! Too funny!
ReplyDeleteOf course, the post itself was a classic! I wish I had the guts to write a Christmas letter like that. It would be worth it to not get another Christmas letter (or card) EVER!
You had me at poking-your-finger-through-the-OK-symbol.
ReplyDeleteI'm sticking around for the chronic masturbation.
You complete John Goodman's asshole.
Sad part is it's all true. Actually not sad I suppose if you actually do start banging the kindergarten teacher. ;)
ReplyDeleteMind if I use this as well? Just need to change the number of kids and the size of my dwelling. And...uh....my finalization date...but yep....works for me.
ReplyDeleteFabulous! In a style only the great Mooog could pull off.
Yes I'm ass kissing cause I'm afraid you'll ask for royalties and I still owe my lawyer my kidney and left arm.
Nice work!!!
ReplyDeletebest.christmas.letter. EVER.
ReplyDeleteAre you still having trouble finding your heart?
ReplyDeleteMaybe you left it in San Francisco.
That happened to Tony Bennett, anyhow.
My favorite line, by far, is:
ReplyDelete"... fuck this is not a confession."
That's gold, baby!