Here..Have a Friggin' Holiday Card | Mental Poo

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Here..Have a Friggin' Holiday Card

Normally at this time of year you start getting all those stupid frigging Christmas cards from people you barely remember or wish you'd forget and - OH GOODIE - the included several picture of their kids like I could actually give a shit what their kids looked like.

When I was married we were guilty of this shit, too.

Not the 'including pictures of my kids in the card,' thing - because, you know, we weren't losers.

But this year I'm divorced so I won't be sending out Christmas Cards but then I started thinking..

..what DO divorced people send out?

..and then I got tired of making them because this couch isn't going to sit on itself while I eat ice cream, holding pictures of my children and sobbing uncontrollably.

At least I have my hamster to keep me company.

Oh good God this blows.


Cookie Monster in Therapy said...

I feel kinda bad about laughing at your situation, because lonely time can suck, but f@$k me, the second one was funny.
Find yourself an orphan's Krismas to attend, other folk without family in the area, not poor Oliver-esque type kiddies. Unless maybe you could borrow a couple, of them for the day and create your own pseudo family get together.

Cookie Monster in Therapy said...

Please excuse my stray comma in there. They sometimes get away on me. Slippery little suckers.

Kristine said...

Yeah, divorce sounds pretty hilarious! With all due respect, of course.

We send out pictures of our kids. But don't worry, I've personally verified via certified letter that every fucking person totally gives a full shit about how they look each year.

Anonymous said...

Those were great cards.In a sad sort of way.
At least you don't have to do one of those boring Christmas letters.

Anonymous said...

I like the one with the hot chick and the bow. That would really make a statement to anyone on Christmas.

Screw Christmas cards or letters, man. My mom sends out cards to everyone she's ever met in her entire life every. single. year. and every year we get thousands of letters from family members we don't even know letting us know what's up in their lives. I don't know you. I don't care about your hemorrhoids, "Aunt Pearly".

MJenks said...

I like that second one down, but maybe because the phrase "Merry Fucking Christmas" brings me all sorts of holiday cheer.

Too much bow on the Christmas whore picture.

Coffeypot said...

Christmas sucks even when you are married. My worst was back in the day when I was in the Navy. We had pulled into Sasebo, Japan, for a Yule Time R&R. Christmas morning several of us went into town and were met by a bunch of prostitutes all saying, “Suckie, suckie, fuckie, fuckie.” I just sighed and returned to the ship. Not because of the sadness of the day, but because I didn’t have any money. Worst Christmas ever…18 year old and been at sea for three weeks…tough day.

Kimber Leszczuk. said...

Sorry this year is going to be rough for you.

The cards were funny - hope it was a little cathartic for you to make them. The last one was my favorite.

ThePittsofBeingPeachy said...

yeah go with the chick with the bow on her ass and the blow job signature. That one will send fury into the psychotic skulls of every wife and self pity in all the men. It's perfect.

Jon Hanson said...

For the love of God we need real cards like this. It would make the holidays slightly more bearable.


MommaKiss said...

Do you need my address? I'd love the sexy girl santa card. Just for me.

Magic27 said...

I'm your female, other-side-of-the-Atlantic counterpart, and what's killing me is getting cards from people who DON'T KNOW I'm separated, so all the cards are addressed to me, ex and the kids... Makes me feel physically sick.
I'll be alone on Christmas Eve (and will probably drink wine on my own and eat unhealthy stuff while watching films and sobbing like the pathetic creature I've become) and half of Christmas Day, so yeah. Shitty Christmas in view. No presents, either (not that I'm materialistic or anything) because my dad "can't think of anything and will get me something next time I see him" and the ex won't think of getting something for the girls to get me.
And I AM sending out cards (not many, though) and the ones where I have to explain the shittiness of this year are agony.
I feel your pain and LOVE your cards (could you do a female version of the last one featuring Johnny Depp in his pre-Jack Sparrow incarnations, pretty please?).
Happy fucking Christmas too you (not that there's much of that going on in my life right now, that's for sure), and here's to hoping that 2011 is better!

Henrietta Collins said...

hey! strippers are not 'crack addicts'!!!

we're 'cocaine' addicts. there's a difference...

Moooooog35 said...

Cookie: Laughing was the point. Also, you had me at 'slippery.'

Kristine: I hate to break this to you, but they lied to you. No one cares what the Hell your kids look like.

Trust me on this.


Sarah: Now I want to send you one.

Just so you have even more.

Mjenks: I know about the bow thing.

Sadly I was not the photographer.

Coffey: whoa whoa whoa. You're one of the 'me love you long time' guys?!

Kimber: Big fan of the anal card?

You're the greatest commenter ever.

Pitts: DONE.

Simple Dude: I should start a company. Nah. Too much work.

You start it and cut me in on the profits.

Thanks in advance.

Momma: I don't need your address. It's still programmed in my GPS.

Midwestern: Yes. I'm the Grinch with the pinch. The scrooge with the mooge.

etc., etc..

Magic27: Wow. Um. At least you get fresh croissants, right?


Moooooog35 said...

Kage: Again you comment and still no description of your avatar up there.


Ed said...


You got your own 'Its A Wonderful Life' thing going on.

Now you just need to find a stripper named Angel (or Clarence-not judging), and the picture will be complete.

Quit feeling sorry for yourself and go get some Christmas pussy.

A Vapid Blonde said...

I think I've met that crack addict stripper. Her thong was baggy.

Didactic Pirate said...

This year, we found the perfect solution to receiving stacks of insipid Christmas cards featuring false sentiment and airbrushed children:

We moved. And didn't say where.

Dazee Dreamer said...

Those were soooo fucking awesome. Thank you for making my day

Jessica said...

Damn you for making me feel something other than absolute revulsion towards you.

Fortunes Fool said...

Genius! I hate to laugh at your pain but I feel the same way! Those were fuckin hilarious!

Unknown said...

some of those were pretty funny. I remember some lonely Christmases when I was divorced. Hugs to you.

MrsBlogAlot said...

Man, I was torn between HAAAA!... AWWW!... and the urge to cook for you the whole time.

...seems your cards are crafty as well as hilarious.

The Demigoddess said...

I like these cards. I think I will pick out a couple designs, change a few words and send them out to my divorced friends.

Elly Lou said...

I'd hug you if I didn't still smell like fish flip flops.

beth said...

Love the cards....I would have sent any number of them in the first years after my divorce had they been offered in the stores! (Along with 49% of all Americans!)

Ms. Salti said...

I love them all. And expect at least one of them in the mail... whether it be my mailbox or my inbox. Personalized, of course!

Moooooog35 said...

Ed: Every time a man gets off, an angel gets her syphilis.

Vapid: That was no thong.


Didactic: Ah. You went with the frugal alternative.

Dazee: You're welcome. Thank you for making my sandwich.

Jessica: But yesterday you wanted to bang me. Was that from being repulsed?

Doesn't matter. A bang's a bang.

Fortune's: I'm nothing if not fodder for other people.

mmmm. fodder.

(no idea)

Eva: Lady, at least try to hide your lust for me a LITTLE bit. Jeez.



Demi: I get royalties from postage!!

Elly: And you're not even wearing any!

Beth: I hear you calling, but I can't come home right now.

God, I love that song.

Salti: Oh, I'll put one in your box alright!

(see what I did there?)

LilPixi said...

The cards are hilarious, but could you pass the anti-depressants? I hate others' pain.

pattypunker said...

awwwwww. feeling really sad for you. but glad for me cuz humor seems to be cathartic for you. (((hugs)))

Kraneia said...

:::wanders in from another blog:::

And of course, inside each card, a little POEM, an oldie but goodie:

"Life is Short.
Times Are Hard.
Here's Your Fucking Christmas Card!"

No doubt. But it's her loss, man. How I got through my divorce is by remembering: the best revenge is living WELL. Now, when I go pick up my daughter, I'm just as nice as can be and my ex and his wife SQUIRM and can't stand to be in the same room. It's so FUNNY.

Go out and do some stuff you couldn't do while you were married (not just the obvious porn kinda stuff, but other stuff, too)

:::hugs::: It WILL get better. :)

Drop by anytime [/shameless plug]


Kraneia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Miss Yvonne said...

I have a solution for you. Rent a room in another family's house and then when they go to bed at night, sneak into the kitchen and eat their food and steal their booze and then blame it on their teenage son who is totally defenseless because he is, after all, a teenage boy. At least that's what the guy who lives upstairs in my house does during the holidays.

Toe said...

The cards are funny in a sort of depressing psychotic kind of way. Stock up on those anti-depressants!

Andygirl said...

you send the same things the single cat ladies send: nada. because no one wants a photo of a single lady and her cats.

however, I like your cards better. think I'll adapt that to my own purposes.

Opto-Mom said...

I take that most of these were designed to send to your ex? AWESOME!

Umm, regarding the last one, make sure she doesn't eat celery.

When you do get the kids for the holidays, even if it's not on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, have the biggest fucking party EVER, just the 3 of you. Or perhaps include some fun family members you actually like. Go ice skating, play video games, go see 3 movies in a row (pay once, sneak twice), throw frozen water ballons at homeless people...whatever makes you smile!

Then make 6 layers of cake and let the kids go nuts stacking and decorating them (don't forget the sprinkles!). Then eat cake until you puke - good times!

If all that fails, you are welcome to come here and party Texas-style with us. You can even borrow my kid for a day. She wants a guitar, and some squinkies, and some new boots, and everything in the Justice catalog, and a Creepy Crawler set, and some wii games and...oh, screw it...I'll put the list on a spreadsheet for you.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to you. It will be okay because I'm sending Opto-Mom hugs to you. (((HUGS))) Those are virtual hugs because do you know how much fucking money Fed-Ex wanted just to ship me to you? Waaaay too much, buddy!

Moooooog35 said...

Lilpixi: I will not pass them but I WILL trade them.

Inquire within.

Patty: It's allllll good. Believe me.

Scratch: Bitterness. It's what's for dinner.

Meleah: Thank you! How much should I charge?

Miss Yvonne: YOU'RE my downstairs neighbor?!?!

Toe: As soon as I finish these pain killers.

andygirl: I'm nothing if not flexible.

*sends photos

Opto: Trust kids are my salvation. Although they are free to a good home.

I'm flexible on the 'good' part.

Malach the Merciless said...

I write scripts, you want one?

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Well now I just want to send you a pick-me-up. Pic of my boobs do anything for you?

Thats why you wrote this, right? Get all the ladies to send all the sympathetic naked pictures?

Anonymous said...

i had one of those Christmases, found some friends that were not going to be with their family and got rat faces on christmass eve, by the time i woke up christmass was over.... best one yet.

whats sadder than Christmas cards from people you don't know but made the effort to post it to you is getting spammed by companies you don't know filling your in-box with e-cards that don't mean crap.

Vinny C said...

I love these! They cater to a sub-group that the big card companies have ignored for decades. Count me in on the card company idea. said...

My sentiments, exactly! What's worse, though, is when I get cards delivered for my ex and his new wife. WTF?

Anonymous said...

Why do humans enjoy laughing at someone else's misery? I can't imagine the stress and pain you're going through, but you're just fucking hilarious about it! And being very realistic about it all as well! You're cards have me rollin'!

I sincerely hope things start going right for you. Really. You seem too nice to have all this crap going on in your life!

The Absence of Alternatives said...

I am an idiot. This post actually made me cry.

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