..and I was surprised to find that I was not alone in being the recipient of homemade 'medicines' that may or may not include enough alcohol to fully stock a party at one of the Kennedys estates.
*********************
UPDATE:
If you thought I was making this up, here's an email I sent to my mom while I was writing that post trying to figure out the name of the crap they were giving me was, and what was actually in it that they were apparently trying to kill me with.
Here's what I remembered was in it:
1) HOT Water
2) Orange juice
3) FUCKING MOLASSES WTF
4) Booze. Lots and lots of booze.
Why you can't get this shit in a juicebox, I have no idea.
But that's all I could remember was in it, so I emailed my mom:
OH. Lemon. Sorry.
I was missing the obvious miraculous healing properties of "Vitamin-C" in this adolescent version of a Harvey Wallbanger.
Also, based on my mom's email, my family lineage includes a long line of parents trying to turn their small children into alcoholics.
Consider the torch passed, mom.
Oh, look.
ANOTHER INGREDIENT.
Nice.
Molasses AND honey.
Two. Natural. Laxatives.
Because once the kid wakes up in a week, it would probably be a great idea if he shit for three days just to make sure all the demons are out.
Makes sense.
I am gagging just thinking about this concoction again! All the sudden I am not finding my Greek grandmother's antidotes nearly as bad!! Yuck-how did you ever live to adulthood!?
ReplyDeleteHahaha...my mom used to make something like this also except I think she added bourbon. I started my kids on Bourbon from birth so they'd sleep through their entire childhood.
ReplyDeleteIt totally didn't work. They're still around. In fact, one of them wrote a guest post today since she's home on spring break! They just never completely leave I suppose.
At least you had additives. My father just gave us whiskey.
ReplyDeleteI feel so left out, my parents never tried any weird, homemade generations old medicinal remedies on me.
ReplyDeleteThe best I got was a couple aspirin and advice to sleep it off. I'm starting to think my parents took the easy way out.
SD
The Simple Dude
"it tastes disgusting" but she stillg ave it to you ...bahahaha
ReplyDeleteI remember one time I was at a friend's house, probably about 11 years old. We'd been playing outside and I started coughing, runny nose, etc. His grandfather was visiting from Germany. He took one look at my, gave me a shot of whiskey, and said I should go to sleep. Woke up cured the next morning. What's with all these adults trying to get kids hammered? At least I woke up with my pants still on.
ReplyDeleteGlad that your Mom could clear that up for you - when I wasn't drunk from the homemade cough syrup I was climbing on the bathroom counter to eat handfulls of the chewy baby aspirin that was in the medicine cabinet. No wonder we are all so normal...
ReplyDeleteJewels: HAHAHAHA. Adulthood. HAHAHAHA.
ReplyDeleteLynn: Ah, bourbon. For those children with sophisticated palates.
Jessica: ..and a funnel.
Simple Dude: HAHAHA SUCKS TO BE YOU!
IWasntBlogged: You know..I didn't realize that til just now WTF, MOM.
Joshua: All that says is that he knew how to cover his tracks.
You've been violated.
Laughing: If you want to read a story about a kid eating things that he wasn't supposed to..
CLICK HERE
Thanks for the recipe!
ReplyDeleteI'm always looking for things to add to my cookbook.
I think she's fining memory loss. She thinks you're probably going to make the same shit up for your kids and knows damn well you shouldn't. She sees the repercussions.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the link - I laughed so hard I almost crapped myself (in your honor). If only your folks had kept the exlax up above the counter you probably wouldn't have exerted the energy to climb up and get them!!
ReplyDeleteWe got these homemade remedies with booze in them too. Usually when we went on an airplane. Luckily my dad was a doctor and he would just give me some of my mom's sedatives. I think he cut them in half.
ReplyDeleteAt least your folks used "medicine" as an excuse. Here, it's considered normal for the older people to say, "Give him/her (i.e.: two-year-old baby) a sip! It's about time they get their first taste."
ReplyDeleteOh, my poor sweet Mooooog.
ReplyDeleteI adore you.
Honey is a laxative? I think you just saved me $20 a month on toilet paper.
ReplyDeleteMy husband's mother used to steep tea in orange juice for them when they were sick. No word on whether or not it had booze.
ReplyDeleteMy mom (who is 72 yrs old) has told me before that her parents gave all the kids "hot toddies" when they were sick, which was basically whisky and warm water. Yummy!
ReplyDeleteThese ingredients just get weirder and weirder.
ReplyDeleteThe next time I get sick, I'm going to blend up a bunch of squid eyeballs and melon and see what happens. I'll report back (if I'm not dead). You can pass this onto your grandkids.
this sounds much better than metamucil.
ReplyDeleteMy mom stuck with good old fashioned brandy. (the good stuff, not the stuff that tastes like fuel)
ReplyDeleteJust like her dad (the alcoholic) gave her.
I still do this every time I have a cold and I need to sing. You mix a little brandy with hot tea and either honey or molASSes. Then you throw in some cayenne and bite a lemon after you drink it. Clears you right up. I've always thought alcohol was the perfect miracle drug for cleaning out the demons.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, medicinal gin? Really? I thought gin just made people go crazy. It was all sounding rather yummy until Gin walked in.
ReplyDeleteImagine having a Jimmy Durante Gin Blossom by the time your 12. Such a hot look.
Just goes to prove that parents aren't happy unless their kids are passes out (and apparently shitting themselves??).
ReplyDeleteSarcasm: haha. right. Like women cook.
ReplyDeleteryoko: repurwhattins?
laughingmom: WHY DO THEY LOOK LIKE DELICIOUS CHOCOLATES?!
Jen: You think...but can't be sure.
Vinny: Where do you live? South Boston?
Empress: And I you, baby.
Elly: Why do you think there's that entire 'bear pooping in the woods' thing? HONEY.
Tzipporah: If the kids existed before the 80's then, yes, it had booze in it.
brooke: I thought a 'hot toddie' was..well..you don't want to know.
Spalderdash: I know. I'm waiting for the email that says 'oh..yes..arsenic.'
patty: I know. Unless you mix the Metamucil with Margarita mix.
Ann: OOOh. Brandy. Did you have to smoke a pipe after you drank it?
Knight: blah blah blah I'm still looking at your bikini pics from today.
I'll have to get back to you on this comment.
Vapid: ha cha cha cha.
*cricket
Dr. Cynicism: It's our mantra, really.
Mandy: See? Explains a lot about our generation. Maybe too much.
mooooooooooog
ReplyDeleteI am impressed that you got this confession from your mom
PS Do not allow her to make you anything to ingest in the future
that is all
-->My mother would make me a "Hot Toddy" which was a warm liquid with lemon and whatever booze had been sitting around in the liquor cabinet too long.
ReplyDeleteAnd by too long I mean there was some left from the previous weekend.
see? this is what i've been saying the whole time!
ReplyDeletealcohol cures everything.
Don't email her again about this. Who knows what other ingredient she's not telling you about!
ReplyDeleteYou sure she didn't mention pot?
I'm pretty sure all cures back then came with pot.
No wonder it tastes aweful! You're not supposed to take fucking molasses orally!
ReplyDeleteOh wait, maybe you are....
"Because once the kid wakes up in a week, it would probably be a great idea if he shit for three days just to make sure all the demons are out."
ReplyDeleteAHAHAHHAHAHAhhaHAHhAhAHhHha.
Okay, that was hilarious.
This recipe reminds me of the stuff my mom used to give me. I think it was called a "Hot Toddy"?
My parents used to make this stuff--but it was called a "hot toddy." At least that's what they called it. It was hot water, honey, lemon, and Gin. NASTY. I only remember getting it once, and I took one sip and wanted to know why my parents would want me to drink kerosene. It tasted that bad--and made my esophagus feel like it was on fire. I think I was actually wired for days after it--which is why I probably only got it once. LOL
ReplyDeleteYour concoction sounds significantly nastier. LOL
I asked my dad about any other childhood "remedies" I may have gotten but either don't remember or have outright repressed, and he reminded me about the mustard compresses.
ReplyDeleteFor those who have no idea what I'm talking about: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mustard_plaster
Yeah, that description doesn't do the things justice.
Imagine it smelling like someone set up a hot dog stand in your bedroom, and your chest feeling like it's on fire.
No wonder I haven't thought of the stupid things in nearly thirty years.
I thought lemon only worked on paper cuts.
ReplyDelete@Moog - Maybe he did, but I got my revenge when I banged his granddaughter several years later. A few years after that she died of a heroin overdose. So...double revenge, I guess?
ReplyDeleteListen I'd rather have had the booze. My mother gave me juice (orange or apple) with cod liver oil mixed in.
ReplyDeleteI'm still laughing about the Harvey Wallbanger comment....bah ha ha ha
ReplyDeleteMy parents were never cool enough to give us booze of any kind for any ailment.
ReplyDeleteMom, however, went through a cod liver oil phase. Obviously, she just through we were just full of shit.
terri c reminded me...when the booze/lemon/honey/satan shit stuff didn't work, my mom gave me Castor Oil. First, she made me drink orange juice, then shoved (slid?) Castor Oil down my throat, then tossed some saltines in there, followed by more orange juice.
ReplyDeleteI think she was probably trying to kill me. Y'know, like taking the morning after pill...five years later!
Oh yeah, and you have an award waiting for you over at Glitter Frog.
PBJ: done and done.
ReplyDeleteWebsavvy: You're not the only one with a hot toddy. Sounds dirty..but read on..
Kage: You had me at your avatar.
Mrsblogalot: I think my folks were more into barbituates.
Wait. What?
Sister: No wonder your bung is so sticky.
Meleah: More people with hot toddies?!
Deborah: You and apparently 1500 other people had these things.
Badlarry: that sounds sickeningly delicious.
Ed: Yes. that and salt.
Joshua: touche' my friend.
terri: *pukes*
Demented: haha. you said 'banger.'
Grannyk: GOD why? WHY?!
Vickie: Thank you for the award!! I will swing by shortly!
Yea, my mother used to make me something called a Honey Lemon - effectively, tea, lemon, whisky, and honey.
ReplyDeleteAt least I think those are the ingredients.
It wouldn't surprise me if she put molasses in it too. And probably a dash of cyanide.
We've never liked each other much.
- B x
A real hot toddy is delicious. For an 8oz mug:
ReplyDeleteGrade B maple syrup (or honey - it's up to you), enough to coat the mug about 1/8 inch on bottom.
1/2 as much lemon juice as syrup
little splash of dark rum
hot water up to top of mug
DUDE. YUM.
Was there a problem with that concoction? I don't see a problem with it personally, but then I mix Dr. Tichenor's with vanilla extract when I feel like watching any movie with Megan Fox in it. It's a numbing agent...
ReplyDeleteSerious question ... wtf is molasses? I remember 3 things in my fridge growing up. 1. milk in bags. 2. beer in short-neck bottles. and 3. molasses. No clue! And I'm pretty sure it was the same little carton my whole childhood. Excuse me while I google.
ReplyDeletefirst thing that came up when I typed "wtf is molasses" is that it is good for pot plants. That explains why it was always in my fridge growing up. glad I cleared that up.
ReplyDelete*gasp* Who told?!
ReplyDeleteIs this the same thing as a "hot toddy"?
ReplyDeleteI always wondered what was up with that....
Mom told me it taste like my ass . . .
ReplyDeleteOH ZING!
Honey is a laxative?
ReplyDeleteThis explains SO much.
My mom called it " hot toddie" but it tasted like that green shit at the end og vomit.
ReplyDeleteMy moms secret weapon was something called Buttercup Syrup...no idea as to what the ingredients are/were.
ReplyDeleteMy mom used to rub scotch on our gums when we were teething. It worked pretty well, so I'm going to teach my kids to shoot it straight up.
ReplyDelete