Riding my bike through the Hershey Highway | Mental Poo

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Riding my bike through the Hershey Highway


Ex-lax is bad news for fat kids.

I know this from experience.

As a kid, I was a fat shit.

I was not “chunky”.

I was not “big-boned”.

I was fat.

I was fat before it was fashionable (as is evidenced now by young super-fat kids wearing crap that they should NOT be wearing. Honey, if I can see your belly button THROUGH your shirt, you need to buy a bigger shirt).

I only got my jeans from the Sears’ “Husky” department (today, in an effort to stay hip, this section is now called “Phatty Phat Phat Gangstas Yo”).

When I got home from school, I had roast beef sandwiches for a snack.

Yes…my “snack” was beef and bread.

My friend once looked at me eating after school one day and said, “What the Hell are you eating?”

I said, nonchalantly, “My snack.”

He said, “An Oreo is a snack. That’s not a snack.”

He was right.

So I had an Oreo after I ate my sandwich.

It wasn’t bad being a fat kid back then, really. I just couldn’t really do any exercise (not necessarily a bad thing since exercise tends to make me tired-ish with a side of swamp ass).

The worst part was having the fat nicknames.

My name is Rodney. I had a small group of close friends – maybe 4 or 5 really GOOD friends.

They’d call me “Round-ney.”

These were my GOOD friends.

On a related note: I'm not a very good judge of character.

Anyway, one of my friends had a sister. Every day, she would go bike riding and one day she asked me to go with her. I was excited (hey! my loins feel funny!), as normally girls wouldn’t talk to me.

Nowadays they just take out restraining orders those stupid VINDICTIVE BITCHES!!

Ahem.

Sorry.

So I was getting ready to leave the house, and was in the bathroom when I opened the cabinet.

There, in the top drawer, was a small box of chocolates.

I had never heard of “Ex-lax” chocolates, but there they were sitting in front of me…in all their chocolaty goodness.

So I ate some.

* num num num

I ate, like, four of them.

* NUM NUM NUM NUM

Four. Ex-Lax.

Keep in mind, I’m 8 years old.

…and I’ve unwittingly ingested enough laxative to completely evacuate the lower intestines of every inhabitant of Somalia.

But, with chocolate in my belly and a song in my heart (Bay City Rollers ROCK DA HOUSE!), I gleefully jump on my bike, and off I go.

About two miles from my house, my friend’s sister stops to talk to a friend on the side of the road. I don’t know this friend, so I’m sitting off in the background…my thoughts to myself…

…it’s just then that I feel the bubble.

*BLURGLE*

???

...again...

*BLURGLE BLURGLE ZIING*

“Wow,” I’m thinking. “This is going to be a big fart.”

So I back up a bit, and ease a cheek off my bike seat and try to squeeze out a silent toot.

…and I completely and utterly shit myself.

I shit like I was trying to put out a fire with it.


The poo wouldn’t stop.

The Ex-lax was hitting me like a gift that kept on giving.

Me: "…what the…?!"

I can only imagine my face…completely shocked and wide-eyed as this was NOT the fart I was expecting.…

…and now my face is also pale as all the blood has drained from it and is now concentrated around my ever-constricting bowels trying to STOP THIS POO...MOTHER OF GOD…FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY…MAKE IT STOP!!!

I managed to scream out, “I have to go home!” to my buddy’s sister.

She waved a “whatever” wave (she thankfully had NO idea I had just completely emptied the entire contents of my colon into my pants)…and off I went.

…two miles…on my bike…

...ass completely smeared in Husky-jean-trapped-poo…

…actually…I’m on a bike…and I’ve got TWO miles to go…so I’m sitting in it.

Damage is done.

No use standing to pedal – it will ruin my shoes.

So with every pedal comes a *squish, squish, squish*

..ugh...

Completely humiliated, I arrive home probably smelling like an unshowered Rosie O'Donnell after yoga class.

I have no idea how my mother is going to take the news from her 8-year old boy that he has just shit his pants.

So I snuck into the bathroom, and chucked my shit stained pants down the laundry chute.

My underwear…completely destroyed and in poo-covered tatters…

…well…

…I threw those under my bed.

I have NO idea what I was thinking in doing this.

I think, early on, I pioneered the concept of biodegradation.

I assumed that the atmospheric pressure, environmental factors and my very own poo-bacteria would simply – and odorlessly – dissolve my Underoos.

I have no idea if it dissolved under there or not.

My mother NEVER said a thing to me about it.

Ever.

I can’t imagine her sheer horror in discovering (a) not only my poopy pants in the laundry chute but then (b) realizing my underwear was not with them…and finding them later on…under my bed…

…potentially alive.

Ex-lax and fat kids.

Please, ladies and gentlemen, keep them separate.

58 comments:

Grilled Pizza said...

Hi, I'm a new visitor, i only found you today and just had to tell you that i was giggling like and idiot so loud at work when i read this that i was forced to mail it around the office so people could see what was so funny!
Havent heard the people i work with laugh so much in ages.
Thanks for brightening up a VERY dull work day!

Prin said...

LOL!! That's the most terrible post ever. hehehe...

Your poor mom. :D

Nosjunkie said...

Ahhh weetie I hate that I am giggling like a school girl at this cos it must have been terible for you but damn that is so so so funny

Nosjunkie said...

Ahhh weetie I hate that I am giggling like a school girl at this cos it must have been terible for you but damn that is so so so funny

Geoffrey said...

Yeah... gonna have to agree with Prin.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

I almost pooped my pants trying not to howl with laughter. People in my office are wondering why I'm crying in front of my computer. Oh man.

And my mother used to buy me Sears Husky pants too. I hated those damn cords and the sound they made when your thighs rubbed together. May as well have hired a herald with a trumpet to announce "fat kid walkin' here"!

clairec23 said...

I very nearly wet myself just there. If my partner wasn't playing the xbox, he would be looking at me like I'm insane, there are tears literally rolling out of my eyes right now. You poor git. Why do kids always hide their shame under their beds?? Class post.

The origin of Fu said...

Fat Kid Walking....yeah I know that sound, of course after a while when I went back and revisited high school (10 years later) I noticed about 25% of us fat kids ended up moderately athletic adults, and many of the athletic kids, well, let's just say the needed mirrors on their shoes to see their own crotches.

Ahh thankfully I didn't discover the wonders of ex-lax until a situation arrived for it use while in college.

This guy was a regular "snake". He would constantly show up when everyone was "smoking" and then proceed to partake without ever contributing, no snacks, no smokeables, nothing...so one day I made a batch of what I told him were "special brownies" and what I told everyone else were ex-lax brownies. When I went to the fridge in my dorm room I noticed about 10 of 'em were gone...poor guy ended up sitting on the can for about 3 hours....I think he shat out his liver. I know for a fact he plugged one of the toilets, and moved on to another one.

You could hear him all the way down the hall.

Unnnggghhh....Oooooohhhh...

Splurt....Splash.....Unngghhhh

Girls walking by on our floor were freaked out.

It was bad.

And the stench, let's just say we ended up using the shitters on a different floor for that night.

moooooog35 said...

Thanks everyone. I now know that a pre-pubescent child with explosive diarrhea makes for good reading. In some cases, it may also make other people poo or pee themselves.

Sweet.

I'm going to dose my two kids this weekend with laxatives...should make for some good articles next week.

Malach the Merciless said...

The mental picture of you trying to ride that bike, that little seat, you poo squishing all around . . .

Well time for lunch.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Origin of Foo, I know exactly what you mean about growing up and going to a reunion. I turned out alright and did extremely well with my wife and it was very enjoyable to see all the ex-jocks.

Yes, retribution is swift and sweet. You almost have to feel sorry for that guy but I guess he shouldn't have over-indulged. Of course it all catches up to us. we reach an age where we have to self induce that very thing in order to get the old colonoscopy.

Prin said...

LOL!! If you were trying to steal some of my readers, I don't think that comment would do it. :D

"Hey everybody, come read about explosive diarrhea on my blog instead of this lame-ass stuff about traffic and whatnot!"

ROFL

Emmy said...

I am so sorry to laugh at your pain and anguish but that was so funny. But I am sending you hug even thou its a few years late. ( I am all the way in Aussie) :) LOL

clairec23 said...

lmao at the origin of fu...if I ever need to get revenge on someone I'll come to you for advice

Tequila Mockingbird said...

we have a generic brand here from a grocery store called "roundys".

also, how much do you actuallly think is in the bowels of most somalians? maybe some flies?

sounds like you had a SHART

footiam said...

Your photo is funny! Interesting blog!

C.Rag said...

So that's why your blog as Poo in the title.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

My sides are hurting me from laughing so hard. LMAO

So did they call you Poop-ney after that?

moooooog35 said...

I managed to get away with NOT having "Poopney" as a nickname.

Primarily, because I've waited 31 years to announce this incident to the entire Internet community.

meleah rebeccah said...

LOL LOL

Thats what having crohn's disease is like.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Good God! I'm humored and repulsed at the same time. I want to run away screaming but also to squash your head against my breasts until your tears stop.

:D

Creative Writer said...

This is hilarious, you are in good company though. I also pooped my pants once..I won't say when and I won't say how as it is far more embarrassing..infact, it's happened to me twice!

maybe we should start a support group?

matt said...

I probably need to check my underwear after reading that. Funny stuff!

Colonel Colonel said...

Brilliant! Funny!

oh my.

Valley Girl said...

I will make a note of this.

Joeprah said...

WTF! EWWWWW! NO! NO! NO! NASTY!!! But totally awesome!

abbagirl said...

EW! LOL that is soo wrong! i tried to stop reading! but i couldn't tear my eyes away!

poor you.

Candy Tothill said...

I forced myself to read this 'horror movie style' - through my fingers! lmfao! and plegh!

Sweetass RSA said...

moooog: looks like your list of embarrassing moments are quite impressive...lol!!...excellent post!

whatagem said...

This post is so funny that I just pooped my pants!!!!

moooooog35 said...

I'm so excited that I was able to make so many people have physical pain, or defecate in their britches.

The power of the written word.

I'm going to have to keep writing about poo.

Sara Sue said...

So you're the one who invented the binge and purge craze! Hand full of ex-lax and a 4 mile bike ride ... the diet of the 21st century!

Great story!

sxdiva said...

I can't believe how Ex-Lax has totally desecrated chocolate.

Chickie said...

This post has brought my days of blog-surfing under my desk at work to an end. I actually snorted while reading this while on the phone with a customer. I played it off like a really bad cough.

Crys said...

Oh my... I'm still laughing so hard my stomach hurts.

Marenda MAGNETIC said...

this is way funny LMAO right now

Alfred Lehmberg said...

...Hate to carry coal to Newcastle, but I laughed and laughed.

alienview@roadrunner.com
> www.AlienView.net
>> AVG Blog -- http://alienviewgroup.blogspot.com/
>>> U F O M a g a z i n e -- www.ufomag.com

Roufa Tav Gosou & Mimi Lass said...

So you wrote that episode of "Weeds".

No? Well, then you are not alone on this planet as a fat underage victim of ex-lax.

Michele said...

That was like the funniest thing EVER! I laughed so hard, I'm crying. good lord, I'm passing this around to everyone I know. Thanks for sharing.

Andos said...

LOL. Nice post & nice blog bro

Andos said...

LOL.
Thats pict is funny too

Bonnie said...

Hahahaha this is fantastic. Shitting pants stories never get old.

Patyrish said...

You have to wonder WHY they would make ex-lax look and taste just like chocolate. I mean they had to realize that at one point SOMEONE was going to mistakenly eat it thinking it was just chocolate.

I'm on to something.

Anyway I love love love your blog. It makes me laugh EVERY time.

Patyrish said...

You have to wonder WHY they would make ex-lax look and taste just like chocolate. I mean they had to realize that at one point SOMEONE was going to mistakenly eat it thinking it was just chocolate.

I'm on to something.

Anyway I love love love your blog. It makes me laugh EVERY time.

FawkesFire said...

you know...i realize this is one of your older posts, but I'm new here....and i have to admit...I've been laughing for the last ten minutes. priceless!!!!

Gauche said...

omg. I think I just peed myself a little!! you ass!! I'm gonna have this stuck in my head all day and I'll be laughing like a lunatic. great!

Waltsense.com said...

So immature. I can't believe I just spent 12 minutes reading a story of farts and fat kids. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Becky..AMHW said...

Dear Walt,

I just finished reading a post of yours entitled, "A sprayed behind is a clean behind!" This post included two photos of naked buttocks and one photo of skid marked underwear with dollar bills placed in the front.

Walt...I think you are AWESOME. Confused and a bit of a hypocrite, but AWESOME. Hygiene is AWESOME.

Love,
Becky

LBluca77 said...

Kids are dumb. End of story.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

You are too hilarious. I am crying and my stomach hurts from laughing. I peed myself to.

passionofthemom said...

OMFG!! xD The Hershey Highway reference brought me in, and the story will keep me coming back!! FUCKING FUNNY SHIT, YO!!!! Especially loved the firefighter graphic to illustrate a point that the mental image alone already had my crapping MY pants laughing!! LMFAO Say hello to your newest follower!!! xD

Kelly said...

Hi I'm visiting from True Story Tuesday. As bad as I feel for the younger you for that happening, that was the funniest thing I have read today!

http://thesmiplelife.blogspot.com

Kara @ His, Hers and Ours said...

Tears. Tears of effing laughter falling down my face. Thank you. I haven't laughed that hard at someone else's expense in a LOOOONG time!

You are a great story teller, and I will be back for sure!!

Mr. Daddy said...

that was a funny post...
somewhat like a car wreck, you really don't want to look. But can't help yourself....LOL

thanks for linking up..

Rachel said...

My mind is scarred, but I can't help the laughing.

So sorry for the trauma and glad no one (and apparently not even your mother) noticed!

LiBBy said...

Just laughed so hard I have hiccups. When I was 43 I shit my pants right in front of my husbands ex~wife. She's still twittering bout that one.
Thanks for the tears of joy.

Anonymous said...

I have never laughed and cried before... Thank you. This is almost as wonderful as learning my ex-husband had taken a walk and didn't make it to a secluded part of the bushes to do his ever-needing-to-escape poo. I am sure some poor hiker discovered his dripping y-fronts (visit his website if you like: stevehermannmedium.com). I will never let him forget that.

Anonymous said...

Oh God, that was hilarious... especially the part about the 2 mile bike home. Haha.

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