We all have our niche.
As such, I got an email from Mr. Condescending:
Gee. Make fun of someone I don't even know?
OF COURSE I WILL!
Weird that someone would even ASK me that.
Jeez.
So it turns out that Mr. Condescending is in some online poker forum and this guy is just an all-around jackass who challenges people and then skips out on paying and THEN went so far as to make fun of another player's girlfriend WHO HAS CANCER:
This dickwad sounds classy.
The photo he attached of this guy?
Here you go:
Here's what I came up with for Mr. Condescending:
What I lack in penis size and girth, I more than make up for in douchebagishness.
You know that show, "Jersey Shore?" Well, I'm like "The Situation" but with less "Situation" and more "God, what a stupid cockbag."
I'm working on my impression of "Emeril Lagasse, Late Night."
The answer to the $500 Jeopardy question in the category, "Gay Fuckwads"
Dude, the 'smoldering look' only works if you don't resemble a Monchichi.
Wow. I had no idea The Gap sold suits.
Sure he got lots of numbers from chicks. Although most of them started with '555' or '1-800-go-fuck-yourself'
Sadly, for the World's female population, God's Gift to Women was purchased as "final sale only."
The answer to the question: "What has a camera phone, likes to point, and sucks a mean penis?"
After three tries, he was finally able get his camera to stop autofocusing on his eyebrows.
***************
That took me 3 minutes.
Time well spent, people, because even though you won't buy any of my mugs or shirts, I'm still here for you.
You and the Monchichi Emeril Lagasse douche canoe.
You're welcome.
I am still laughing! You are awesome-and the guy seems to deserve it. Way to lend a helping hand!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great helper you are. I hope that guy gets what's coming to him. Sounds like it's gonna be ugly.
ReplyDeleteHis game is kinda rusty? What game? Lying to himself maybe. Is that considered game?
ReplyDeleteI am using this pic to show my two teen daughters what NOT to look for in a man. You did your public service. Good job.
Ooooooh, how about:
ReplyDelete"This is the face of constipation."
Also I wonder how many times did he have to take the picture to get the right blend of "Hey Ladies." and "Look at my swarthiness" in his own feeble mind.
ReplyDeleteHahaha...the guy sounds like a real prince. I hope I never piss you off...
ReplyDeleteOh wait a minute, maybe it would be fun!
And 'cockbag' is now the word of the day. Thank you.
ReplyDelete-->"How you doin'?" is the thought cloud over his head.
ReplyDeleteHAAA! That was the best three minutes ever!! (insert TWSS here) Nobody does this better than you!
ReplyDeleteWhat a fuckstick! That guy deserves everything you throw at him!
ReplyDeleteAh, I adore dipshits like this guy. They make my world SO very much more entertaining. :)
ReplyDeleteWhere is he taking this pic?
ReplyDeleteIn the bathroom at prom?
Bet he didn't get laid that night either.
And dude, I would totally buy your products if they were free.
Or if they maybe had hot chics on them and stuff.
Or came with hot chics.
My mom loves this picture of me.
ReplyDeleteWow. That guy sure talks a mean game for an obvious virgin.
ReplyDeleteWay to ruin Monchichi's for me!
ReplyDeleteThe second to the last one made me spit. And I don't spit. I swallow.
Oh my god, these are sofa king funny. I can't stop laughing.
ReplyDeleteMy favorites are:
"You know that show, "Jersey Shore?" Well, I'm like "The Situation" but with less "Situation" and more "God, what a stupid cockbag."
and....
"After three tries, he was finally able get his camera to stop autofocusing on his eyebrows."
AHAHHAHHAHAHhahahahahaha
You rock, Moog!
LMAO i'll go for number one.
ReplyDeleteYou had me at monchichi.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteActually, he's less Emeril, more Cake Boss.
ReplyDeleteCock Boss?
Whatever.
you sir are a hero. A true patriot.
ReplyDeletealso:
You know that show, "Jersey Shore?" Well, I'm like "The Situation" but with less "Situation" and more "God, what a stupid cockbag."
may have been my favorite.
if there was ever a picture that just screams please stab me repeatedly it is that one.
My apologies and thank you all for commenting but I'm totally way behind in responding to comments today because I've been working/drawing a cartoon involving age spots.
ReplyDeletePriorities, people. Priorities.
I owned that same cell phone FOUR YEARS ago.
ReplyDeleteWhat a manly man.
His middle name is sure to be "car salesman"
while i'm certainly fond of douche canoe, douche nozzle has been a current fave. taking over? cockbag.
ReplyDeleteyou
win
wanna cockbag me some day soon?
The dude looks like the character 'Brick' in the ABC show The Middle. He's 9.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you're trying to impress 'the womens', get a better fitting suit, take a pic with a smartphone (not a cheapass enV) and eat some fiber so you don't look so constipated.
Now we know why Bernard the elf wasn't in The Santa Clause 3... he's turned into a cockbag.
ReplyDeletehttp://img96.imageshack.us/i/cbbernard.png
Sorry I've been a stranger. Moog when I need to superfuse some humor into something I have no other choice but to call upon you sir.
ReplyDeleteOMG
ReplyDeleteThe comments are as great as the post.
Way to start my morning with a laugh guys!
A dude that makes fun of people with cancer!? Wow! That sounds JUST like a guy who is a certified pimp!
ReplyDeleteDouchey Eddie Munster says, "How you doin?"
ReplyDeleteyou use Yahoo? You're really showing your age.
ReplyDeleteYou, sir, are an American hero.
ReplyDeleteWell done.
Again, Moooog?
ReplyDeleteOh.
My.
God.
You kill me.
Laugh out loud sitting in front of this screen kill me.
Loving "sucks a mean penis."
I'm so lucky you love me, or I'd be quartered and hung to dry.
Sofa King hilarious somehow I want to call him Gino
ReplyDeleteYou need to start this post with an "Empty liquids" warning.
ReplyDeleteI could get used to this type of post. Carry on.