So..thinking about getting that divorce are you?
Today I bring you a list of:
The Best and Worst Things about being Divorced and Living Alone
Best:
You get to watch Internet porn with the sound on!
Worst:
Excitement over being FINALLY able to watch porn and not have to wait for your wife to go to bed ("Oh..I'm gonna stay up a little longer and watch..um..Sportcenter.") AND watch it with the sound on makes you crank it way the Hell up and now all the neighbors in your apartment think you’re nailing both men AND women three times a day to the WORST. MIX TAPE. EVER.
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Best:
You get to poop with the bathroom door open.
Worst:
Your apartment smells like shit.
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Best:
You get to re-enter the dating world and meet new people!
Worst:
There’s a damn good reason why most of the people you’re meeting aren’t married, either.
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Best:
You can eat cereal for supper!
Worst:
You eat cereal for supper.
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Best:
When your kids come to visit, you can relive your college days by sleeping on the pullout sofa.
Worst:
Discovering that pullout sofas are way more comfortable when you’re 19 and passed out from drinking a fifth of vodka and have no idea people are drawing penises on you with markers ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! THIS IS PERMANENT INK!!!
Friends can be ASSHOLES.
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Best:
You don’t have to pay for hot water because it’s included in your rent.
Worst:
Everyone else in your building realizes that they don’t have to pay for hot water either so your shower becomes an episode of Survivor as you try to win immunity from either freezing to death or having your skin scalded off.
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Best:
You meet many new people who live in your building of varying ethnicities and social status
Worst:
Realizing you’re actually one of these people.
Worst Runner Up:
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL IN THE HALLWAY? Is that...is that HAGGIS?!? It's 7 in the morning for chrissakes!!
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Best:
Your money is yours and you can do with it what you wish!
Worst:
Your ex-wife can also do what she wishes with your money, too.
I'm gonna get shit for that last one, I just know it.
No worries.
I'll just crank up this porn.
Oh, sorry, wha? I kinda trailed off somewhere during that shower scene photo.
ReplyDeleteDating....try Plentyoffish.com
ReplyDeleteIt's free. :)
First, I poop with the door open even though I'm still married.
ReplyDeleteSecond, my apartment always smells like nasty fish being fried in peepee. Not sure which neighbor keeps cooking it, but it somehow ends up smelling stronger in our apartment than in the hallways.
Third, Somerville? Seriously? Maybe you're my fishy neighbor. I have been hearing a lot of porn sounds and bad mix tapes...
Dude, my son is now the only boy in the house since my husband and I split. That child doesn't even know what a hot shower IS.
ReplyDeleteDude, 3,465 years of being single beats one day of marriage. Been there on both sides. Miss my single days.
ReplyDeleteI would love to see the ex's side of this. Could be hilarious!
ReplyDeleteBut just think, you don't have to worry about making someone happy.
Coffeypot has a point: "3,465 years of being single beats one day of marriage".
Enjoy the single life. Marriage is over rated. WAY over rated.
Easy Mac and Cheese is good with cereal.
You should give a chance to the parka lady... Who knows what's hidden under this parka...
ReplyDeletePro: When you husband has an affair with your sister in law in a small town and everyone knows. You don't even have to make fun of him or convince anyone he's a douche because "VOILA".
ReplyDeleteCon: What con? This joke never stops being funny.
Just teach your kids to draw schlongs on your forehead. Conveniently, I'm offering a free tutorial online. Win, win.
ReplyDeleteI have both an ex-wife and a woman who hasn't come to her senses and divorced me yet.
ReplyDeleteAll in all, as long as life isn't a living hell, I prefer being married.
And I never did shit with the door open. That's just weird, man.
Blogger keeps eating my comments.
ReplyDeleteI hate it so much.
Insert some witty retort to your own comment here:
Thanks in advance.
Funny I sleep like that contortionist as well. Unfolding myself in the morning is always a little tricky.
ReplyDeleteWitty comment here.
ReplyDeleteSince I'm home alone I'm going to go take a dump with the door open. The cats will come in to see what I'm doing, look at me like I'm disgusting, and then leave.
I'm with you on all counts, Moooooog.
ReplyDeleteWell, except the pooping with the door open. You're on your own with that one.
You get the whole bed to yourself, no one is stealing the covers.
ReplyDeleteDamnit Man, when I let you take that picture you said you wouldn't share it, EVER... ( also I am not referring to the shower, or the twisted vagina chick, I am referring to me in the pink parka on our lunch date to meals on wheels.
ReplyDeleteOoOoooh the whole bed and all the covers.... glurrrrrrgh..........
ReplyDeleteHi there! Found your blog by way of "The Humor Smith" and am definitely in love. Very funny, gave me a nice chuckle.
ReplyDeleteBTW...I'm one of those Assholes that LOVES to draw penises on my drunk male friends. In my 30s and it still hasn't gotten old for me...=)
I'll be following!
I think Lady Ohlala is the parka lady. She's pushing her to you too much, so just watch out ok? I got your back.
ReplyDeleteツ my cyber house rules
Having been married 12 years, divorced for 4, and then remarried for 27 years, I'd say it just depends on your mate.
ReplyDeleteThis was a really funny post, however. Loved it!
being unemployed also helps with the watching internet porn with the sound on!
ReplyDeletehooray
of course there is no money to pay the electric bill....
At least you're still young. My mom went on dating sites after my dad died (stuff nightmares are made of -- watching your mom "date") and one of her elderly wannabe lotharios suggested they go to a free diabetes seminar as their date.
ReplyDeleteFortunately, he is not my new daddy.
Dude, wait till your kids go back and tell the ex about the cereal, the smell and the excessive laundry (yeah, I know it's there. Don't lie.). My kids narc'ed to me about my ex's habits all the time. Makes for good post-divorce convo. And hate texts.
ReplyDeletePRO: I never have to have vile sex w/ a smelly dirty bad breath disgusting feet anti-American adulterous shit father fat fuck Aussie ever again.
ReplyDeletePRO: I get the king size bed and the remote and DVR to yourself
PRO: I'll never have to deal with any idiot's nonsense ever again
PRO: My yard and garage will be free of debris
PRO: I won't have to sanitize the bath before getting in it
PRO: I won't have to wash wash cloths with questionable contents
PRO: My computer keyboard won't have dried on knuckle butter stuck between the keys
PRO: I won't have a tea kettle or vegemite or meat pies trashing up my kitchen
PRO: I will never hear CRIKEY or GOOD ON YA or GET YOUR GEAR OFF, ever. again.
CON: I have to get a stupid job. But clearly, the pros outweigh the cons.
LMFAO
ReplyDeleteThe last one is the best! SOOO true!
What the hell is going on in MA that the women in their 40s look like they've spent a life in hard labor? Do you not have fresh produce, clean water and Botox?
ReplyDeleteand I thought married people were weird. you formerly married people are even weirder.
ReplyDeleteVapid: You get hotter and hotter every time you comment.
ReplyDeleteBecky:
*shoots self
Chris: Don't knock it til you try it.
Vodka: I'm 5'4" on a king size. It feels like I have the whole bed even when I don't.
Pitts: I like you because you're manly.
Chelle: Did you choke at the end of your comment?
Jack: Preaching to the choir, my friend.
Elaina: Your friends must adore you.
Nikki: You got my back? Who has my front?
Eva: always got to bring that shitty optimism of yours, don't you?
Cleveland: Yet another reason for a hamster.
What?
Brutalism: Did she date Wilfred Brimley?
Christina: Actually, I'm quite good when the kids are over. Kind of have to be.
Speaking: I think you take the top prize here today, woman.
Mama: Tell me about it.
Mandy: I don't know, but I'm moving.
Andygirl: You have no idea.
You need to move into another apartment ASAP. As for being single it's really NOT a bad way to live. And this post just made me happy that I am NOT married, or getting a divorce.
ReplyDeletehaha. loved this post. way to put things into perspective.
ReplyDeletePS...speaking from the crib's comment cracked me up!
THAT'S IT!
ReplyDeleteI'm getting a divorce!
I want a parka woman of my own!
And STILL people ask me why I've no intention of getting married?
ReplyDeleteIt's the PORN, people.
That which I watch and that which I make (What?) is to be listened to at full volume whenever I fancy it.
Even if only to dance to the bad 70s 'ckicka wow wow' tunes with my best mate, whilst p*ssed on vodka and lemonade at 5am.
Also?
Parka?
All kinds of hot.
- B x
The lists could go on forever of course, but I know what I miss about living alone.
ReplyDeletePro: You can go back to watching TV naked while eating Lloyd's ribs and Elios Pizza all weekend long.
Con: Scrambling on Monday morning to find work clothes that still fit and get your ever-fatter ass out the door before you miss the bus.
I never understand people's profile pics from these dating site things. I mean you're looking for a possible bone-mate right? You'd think maybe you'd dress up and do your hair and put on some flattering make up and smile maybe, for your photo, no? It's like they go, "Where's that photo of me from outside Walmart last year, the one where I'd been awake for 72 hours straight and was eight days into my 'giving up bathing for Lent' phase, that should get men lining up to bang me!"
ReplyDeleteUnrelated to your post but I saw a sign the other day that said "Moog Industries" I was going to snap a picture but it was too late.
ReplyDelete-->No girl products/tools/make-up in the bathroom.
ReplyDeleteSo basically you have my life now. Buy some Lysol and wear headphones.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I didn't give you permission to post my shower photo.
I could write a book on this subject but I have to go and spend my ex husband's money.
ReplyDeleteThat would be I why I have life insurance, I will just off my wife
ReplyDeleteStill...what an enviable divoce. The ex follows your blog.
ReplyDeleteOnly with Moooooog.