We Don't Match.com AT ALL | Mental Poo

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

We Don't Match.com AT ALL

A while after my divorce I gave Match.com the old 'college try' and by 'college try' I mean 'scoped out chicks most likely to bang' because, well, THAT'S WHAT I TRIED IN COLLEGE.


On a related note: I miss college.

But going through all these profiles while obviously skipping right the Hell over the ugly ones and reading about 'interests' and 'what I'm looking for' and blah blah blah I found that the problem with half the chicks on this site is that they're doing it wrong.

(the following are actual excerpts from real Match.com profiles that showed up in my search criteria which was basically just a requirement that the person be female)

Example #1: Cue the Banjo

First off, I have no clue what 'laughably predictable' is other than to think 'oh, great...missionary position AGAIN' but then you say you like this:

"I enjoy playing darts, pool, camping.."

So apparently you're my Uncle Lou and you may or may not have a methamphetamine addiction. Also, I'm sorry, but no one should enjoy camping. Ever.

Also - sledding?

Who puts down 'sledding' as something they like to do as fun? No shit sledding is fun, lady. So is 'running through sprinklers' but I wouldn't put it in my goddamn profile.

Example #2: Why Tell Me This?


In a nutshell, you reek of death and Vick's VapoRub and won't give me the time of day if your kid's around.

You're doing a great job selling yourself here.

Also, nice punctuation and sentence structure there, Nurse Ratched. No wonder you're changing bedpans for a living.

Oh, wait..there's even more to your profile!

"My favorite meat is steak."

I have no words.

Example #3: Lazy Redhead Looking for Male Concubine

Newflash, here, Red:

Not everyone likes a ginger.

Don't get me wrong, the idea of having sex with someone who can't go out in the sun without bursting into flames certainly is intriguing, but just not for everyone.

So there's that, and also I'm not a big fan of freckles.

Ah. You've discovered a male's true weakness!

Because if there's ONE thing a guy on Match.com is looking for, it's a woman who can't cook and is co-dependent and then needs help scrubbing your shit off the sides of the toilet.


Good luck finding your 'forever mate.' You might want to clean up all those old take-out containers before he shows up, though.

Example #4: Date Me or I Will Kick Your Sorry Ass

So, let me get this straight:

You're studying for a career in "Human Services" which means that most of our holidays will be spent volunteering at homeless shelters and shit delving out food that you're too picky to eat and if I refuse to go there's a pretty good chance you'll beat the shit out of me.

I don't think so.

That trailer trash camping chick is starting to look better and better.


MrsBlogAlot said...

HAAA! I think I might start reading these just for fun after this!

I still say you'd have better luck in the supermarket.

VEG said...

Holy shit, you just showed up in my inbox as I was reading this, you scary psychic!

Boy you are PICKY. You don't want to clean a woman's bathroom but you expect her to reenact the rodeo, butt naked with you? Pffft. Personally, I'd make the guy pull weeds, cook all my meals, paint the house and bury the bodies of all those previous suitors who'd disagreed with me/done a bad job of the above, before letting him hold my damn hand. He will wear a uniform at all times and call me "Sir". And he will be a buff billionaire. You sir, need to drop your standards before your pants.

Seriously though, you haven't been finding winners there really.

Brutalism said...

Wow. Fortunately, you have all your Mental Poo groupies (Poopies?) and can hopefully find people who are more your speed. (And who don't lead with their favorite meat.) There's a TWSS joke in there somewhere.

On a related note, I'm helping a friend of mine create her profile for match in the next couple of weeks. I have suggested that she post a list of dealbreakers taken directly from the "My strange addiction" show -- "No furries. No comet-eaters. No ventriloquists..." although based on what you've shared here, that may cut her response rate down to zero on that site.

Anonymous said...

What are you doing on Match.com anyway? You seem like more of an AdultFriendFinder kind of guy.

Miss Yvonne said...

I can't believe these girls haven't already been snatched up and married by now.

Mrs. Hall said...


picky about food, maybe need a pep talk to try new stuff???

seriously. unexceptable!!!

that being said, I met Mr. Hall through the hotmail personals, before there was anything like match.com.

It was awesome.

still is!

good luck

Anonymous said...

Um, that's why they're on Match.com. They can't get anyone on their own because of their idiosyncrasies. Weirdos meeting weirdos. I'd rather be single than meet up with someone from one of those sites.

I love your analysis of those profiles! Scary people out there! They're just not normal. Again, that's why they're on the site!

I think you're better than that! You'll find someone without the aid of the internet. If anything, peruse it for entertainment. I've always wondered what those sites were like.

Be careful, your ex may show up on there!

Lisa said...

Well, I'm with you on this one! Not on Match, but another and PLEEEZ. Can't any man create a full, complete sentence? And why can't they use spell check? This is not to mention the idiot things they say or don't say. And I don't know what other kind of women are out there (besides the ones you listed), but get some gawd damn class, men!

As much as I want to REALLY have sex again, asking me to 'ride you like I want it' before you've even bought me dinner/coffee/2 bottles of wine, is not working! DELETE, DELETE.....

I'm going back to the party I THOUGHT was crazy last Saturday...not near as crazy as these numb-nuts on singles sites!

Ed said...

Sounds like slim pickings up that way.

Maybe you should move farther away from Canada.

Kev D. said...

I love that she says she lives alone and has for a long time. You think that means she leaves her son in the yard on a leash?

Also, what's with the Canada bashing from Ed? Canadian women rule. I should know, I married one.

Elly Lou said...

I love the steak eaters' literary leanings. I bet she can think of at least three words that rhyme with steak and "right u a reel purty poem."

A Vapid Blonde said...

What's so bad about steak being ur favorite meat?

Much of her about me is about food so you know she has a big appetite. *waggles eyebrow*

Moooooog35 said...

Mrsblogalot: you just want me to squeeze your melons.

Veggie: I think we're soulmates.

Brutalism: Let me know if she needs help. Or my number. I figure we can just cut out the middle man.

Doug: Tried and failed.

Yvonne: HAHA. You said 'snatched.'

Mrs. Hall: Hotmail still exists?

ryoko861: Well..you'd be surprised how well that actually worked out for me.

Different story.

Lisa: Wait. I was at a party on Saturday.

Did we do things? Are there pictures? PLEASE SEND THEM.

Ed: Dude. Canadian girls? Please. Even the ugly ones are hot.

Kev: Good point. I'm not asking.

Elly: I know. I sense her resume has 'remedial' written on there at least three times.

Vapid: You and your oral fixations.

Your husband is a lucky man.

Al Penwasser said...

What? Reenacting the rodeo, butt-naked, with us is a bad thing?
What a sad, sad world.

Janene Murphy said...

Wow. Looks like you've got your pick of some real winners here. I have to say, though, I feel so sorry for the woman #2. I hope she's just going for the 'pity date' angle. Not the best strategy, but still.

Vodka Logic said...

I'm thinking number 2 doesn't speak English so perhaps when you say "how about a quickie" she won't know what you mean.

ThePeachy1 said...

So here's where I sit and cry rocking back and forth because you just slung me back to 6th grade. Granted those women above suck and not in a good way. But I am a red head. I can go in the sun ( see MTV Dayton Spring break 83,84,85,86,87) and I have freckles. TONS OF FREAKING FRECKLES. 6th grade I got the double bonus of glasses and braces. Which is a surefire way to weed out suicidal kids. But by High School I found my red hair and freckles adorable and love them. You just stole that from me dude, now I will go bake a freaking double chocolate cake and eat it while I wait for my kid to come home and tell me I am pretty.

Maundering mutterer said...

Pretty painful. The male equivalent reads 'I am an average guy. I enjoy fun. I like (excrutiaingly boring list) I have a sense of humour.

To which I always think: You either are, or want to be AVERAGE? How amazingly amazing. And a sense of humour? Yeah sure, you're not going to come right out and say 'I'm a boring stick in the mud' are you?

Opto-Mom said...

Just for shits and giggles, add "pet lover" into your search criteria.

I'm sure that you will get about a gazillion who say they don't have kids, "but my dog Foofie is my baby." Also, you will probably get lots of crazy cat ladies.

Granted, you probably won't find a woman you want to be with by doing this, but it will give you lots of excellent blog fodder with which to entertain us. And that's the whole point of your life, right?

Deb said...

-->What the hell is wrong with freckles?

Just remember, the stupid shall be punished.

I think you should provide some samples for your profile and let us make suggestions.

Knight said...

Have I ever mentioned my favorite meat is blood sausage?

I signed up on one of these once because I had a bet with my boyfriend who was on the same site. He filled out his normally. I put my picture with a bunch of crazy shit admitting to being a stalker but always sleeping naked. Hating all people, pets, and children but being "really really really ridiculously good looking" I guess they were both true. But days later I had to take mine down because I was getting constant e-mails. He hadn't heard from anyone in months.

Unknown said...

Makes me glad I'm not single. Good luck.

Jay Ferris said...

On the bright side, I imagine a lot of the more illiterate-sounding ones would say yes to pretty much anything you propositioned them with, if only because they don't know what you're talking about.

Rosalind said...

steak.... mmmmmmm

StephanieC said...

I'm with @WebSavvyMom: Show us your profile, baby!!

I can't imagine the stupid shit I said on my Lavalife profile back in the day. I reeked of desperation and needed some luvin'.

It all worked out in the end.

The first one didn't sound too bad, really.

I wish I had it somewhere still, it would make for a great (embarassing) blog post!

Seriously?... Reeeally??... Seriously?


Moooooog35 said...

Al: preaching to the choir my friend.

Janene: I'm all about the pity sex.

Usually it's about me, though.

Vodka: ALL mine are quickies.

Peachy1: I'm just saying they're not MY thing. I'm sure someone, out there, likes playing connect-the-dots in the dark. Me? Notsomuch. Although I'm always willing to go for a test drive if you want to change my mind.

Call me.

Maundering: *changes profile immediately*

Opto: I've saved that for my beastiality.com profile.


WebSavvy: I didn't say there was anything WRONG with freckles.

Did I save that?

Also..don't worry. I'll have my profile up in the near future for your critiquing.

Not that there's much to critique. It was really amazing.

Knight: Did you say something? I wasn't paying attention, I was staring at your photo.

Eva: *takes bow

Jay: and also because I make up my own language when we DO talk.

Miss Rosie: I know. Maybe I should call her.

Stephanie: Lavalife? Did you date in a volcano?

twin said...

I've always wanted to post a profile only using quotes from movies. hmmm.....

SarcasmInAction said...

I'm thinking I may have missed the overall "point" or "theme" to your post, cuz after reading and laughing, a LOT, all I can think about it steak.
I want some steak, pronto.
Was this whole post about steak?

Anonymous said...

omg, I want to marry you. No, I don't want to marry you but I do want to lick your face. Wait, that is gross. You crack me the hell up.

Jen said...

I am so relieved you didn't make fun of my profile on Match.com.

Mandy_Fish said...

I found Match.com to be highly entertaining. But of course I treated it like a humor blog. I did get some interesting email-lectures from some nice fellows who suggested that if I didn't take writing my profile seriously and stop hiding behind my humor I would never find anyone. And then they gave me their number and asked me to call them.

P.S. Of course I met my husband on Match.com. I joke that we should be in one of their dorky commercials.

Jenny DB said...

HA some of my favorite blogs are chicks who write about the ridiculous stuff guys say and do on match... but it's almost as good seeing it from this perspective. Good stuff :-)

Lady Ohlala said...

Hahaha have you tried "beautifulpeople.com? This one is quite something as well. Plus, you might save time on the whole ugly/decent/hot pic selection since the site is strictly reserved to beautiful people... Only, you'll have to get through the vote process first to get in :) Even though I find the whole concept revolting, my deep sense of curiousity (and mostly ego) pushed me to try it once. I had to know if I would get in. I did. Ego pampered. I'd write a post about it, but I am sure you'd do it a 100 times funnier so...

Magic27 said...

Sounds like Peachy1 and I are going to be slitting our wrists together tonight... Yup, I'm a redhead too, though I don't actually have that many freckles (none on my face, just a few on my arms) and although I most certainly don't tan, I don't go lobster red either - mostly I just stay white as alabaster (or as aspirin as they so charmingly say in French).
It's tough being a redhead. And yeah, I suffered in school too. But I'm proud of my hair now (though not the style - been too out of the loop to get to a hairdresser's in months) and wouldn't change it for the world.
Redheads rock!
That said, the ads you showed certainly didn't sound very "life partnerish" so I totally get your point (I'm scared to think what you'd say about mine if I ever wrote one... and yes, I also have a cat, which makes it all worse, no?)
There's no hope for me! Bring on the razor blades...

Chris said...

I'm just curious -- okay, "worried" might be a better word -- what YOUR profile says. Care to share that one with us?

Vinny C said...

Looks like "steak chick" is the fan favorite. The question is, who will you give the rose to?

The Sweetest said...

College was the best. And these poor women? are going to be on match.com for a long, long time. sledding? favorite meat? oh, lord.

bikramyogachick said...

anybody who puts "LOL" in their profile is an immediate NO.
Yes, I've been on match before.....
Good luck! I took mine down after 3 months of torture.

Moooooog35 said...

Twin: Want to date me? You're gonna need a bigger boat.

Sarcasm: Great. Now I want steak too. Maybe I'll call that chick.

Ariana: licking..so much better.

Jen: HAHA. Wait. Aren't you the second one?

Mandy: Awww.

*shoots self

Jenny DB: Thank you. Call me.

Lady: Been there? I INVENTED IT.

Magic: ..now slowly step away from the Harry Potter movies...

Chris: It's ready and waiting for posting. Hm...

Vinny: *stares at you, big boy

Sweetest: In her defense, steak is my favorite meat, too.

Mandy: Sorry. You play the 'old' card and sometimes this happens.

I don't understand the camping thing, either. In any way, shape or form.

Bikram: LOL.


J.J. in L.A. said...

I'm not a ginger lover either. I was once asked if I'd date a black man, I said 'no' and was called a racist. I replied, "I'm not attracted to redheads either. Does that mean I hate Irish people?"

Deb said...

Monks seem pretty happy, always chanting and humming, looking like a Jawa. Never know what's under those robes.

MommaKiss said...

You're dating the boxer aren't you?

BlackLOG said...

Hang on a second, who would not jump at the chance of banging someone who reeks of death,Vick's VapoRub and moth balls especially when there is the real possibility of looking up and straight into the confused eyes of a nappy wearing, snotty nosed brat, screaming “What are you doing to my mummy????”

I guess the only thing you can say about all of these women, you are getting bone crushingly, soul destroying honesty….or if not you get to meet people who live very strange fantasy lives. They are probably hot models, rich airheads or super talented cloakroom attendants….

Mike said...

Mooog -

Perhaps try a real doll? She won't talk back and WILL like everything you do guaranteed.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I'm hanging on to my husband like grim death. At least he can spell.

Christina_the_wench said...

I think it's only fair you post some of the 'fabulous' male profiles as well.

"Looking for someone to spend quality time with (my ex has a restraining order now), who loves the outdoors (I pee on the side of my truck so don't judge) and is family-oriented (can watch my 6 kids while I drink myself silly on the couch.)

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh. My. God. I cannot even believe these are real profiles on Match.com! Honestly, I think I would rather stay single forever than meet up with anyone from one of those online dating sites.

PS: I'm just as curious as Chris from Knucklehead because I'm DYING to know what YOUR profile says!!!!

pattypunker said...

the problem with all of these chicks is their honesty. except that one who likes camping. who the fuck likes camping! bugs, dirt, pissing in the woods full of ticks, cold showers a mile away, no anti-fog mirrors or marble floors, no swanky restaurants or bars, no heavenly beds and pillows . . .

Shopgirl said...

You are hilarious, I don't know why people bother with it but it makes good material for sure.

Alexandra said...

You could make reading the ingredients on a pancake mix funny.

Malach the Merciless said...

Can the desperate really be that choosy, zip, bang!

Anonymous said...

Gingerbread? Really?


katsidhe said...

Miss Meat-Of-Choice-is-Steak admits to reading the "Twilight" books.
"Twilight" should not be in your dating profile unless it's something along the lines of "enjoys going to bookstores and moving all of the "Twilight" books from the fiction section into the Self Help section next to "Codependent No More"."

I found you from Studio 30+ Saturday Spotlight, and I'm glad I stopped over. I'll be back soon. :)

Anonymous said...

Whadda mean worked out for you? You mean you've actually met some "normal" dates on there?

Please, blog about it! Inquiring minds want to know!

JD at I Do Things said...

My favorite meat is meat.

And . . . you don't like freckles? I'm pulling my match.com profile RIGHT NOW.

Random Girl said...

Nice to know that crazy looks the same from the other side of the gender bridge. I have a strict "no reply" policy to the follow: pictures with fish, motorcycles, or dead animals and guns, any mention of tractor pulls, and anyone that uses "your" where "you're" is appropriate. A girl has to have standards. So fix your f'ing profile already ok??

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I think I've found my counterpart. BTW, loved your attempts at an ugly Mario on LOL.
I've been bashing men's dating ads for a while -in my "On Why I Choose Celibacy" posts. It's reassuring to know men deal with the same idiosy.Good luck out there, and I'll be following you.

Susan said...

You'd be surprised at how many illiterate rural men can actually use the internet. And they all "winked" at me.

I found my perfect guy on match (eventually), using the header "I'm ok with back hair." Pretty effective strategy...

Suniverse said...

I think the most important thing is to avoid people who use lol in their profiles.

Actually, that's a pretty much across the board given.

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