New Hampshire: Live Free or Bang One of These Broads | Mental Poo

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

New Hampshire: Live Free or Bang One of These Broads

An open letter to ""....


I don't know what you are or how you got hold of me.

But no...


* lie

For the past couple of weeks I've been opening my inbox (that's what she said) to find an email from telling me that I have been matched up with NEW DAILY DATES!! know...

Go me.

Let's just scroll on down here and take looksie at who you're setting me..


* blink


(click to enlarge...IF YOU DARE..)


What are those, elephant seals?

I had to doublecheck to make sure this was from and not

Oh..oh're sending me MORE!


I had NO idea my penis could just detach itself and flee screaming.

I realize I'm not that great myself (lie) but seriously..this is the best you can come up with?

Because the last time I checked, I wasn't an Interstate trucker in desperate need of a grandmother offering handjobs for a rock of crystal meth.

(They haven't approved my application yet)

I mean..I even went to your site just to see if this was some weird inbreeding chat room shit and I see THIS on the front page:

The fuck.

Who do I have to blow to get THOSE suggestions?

I'm guessing I have to fondle the balls of the woman I got in photo number 3.

Just to recap:


You know how to make a guy feel special.

Like "King of the Trailer Park" special.

No offense, ladies.

Or guys.

Whatever the fuck you are.

Moog out.


Mike said...

They say closing your eyes helps. It doesn't. Being really really really really drunk does, though.

LB said...

Sorry...I signed you up after the big D announcement. I was only trying to help!

LOL! That cracks me up. Can you imagine what those chicks (or dudes) REALLY look like? Seriously, don't folks normally put their very best pics on those sites in order to make a good 1st impression? Scary...

I say go with Silence of the Lamb chick. At least she appears to be interested in you.

Vodka Logic said...

They must read your blog... just sayin'


MJenks said...

Very nice, very nice.

I think you just gave birth to a new online fetish: back hair and parka porn.

Brutalism said...

The Whiskey Girls they ain't.

Although, as Mike mentioned...maybe they're just another type of Whiskey Girl.

Unknown said...

What the fuckity fuck!? Those *babes* look like they come from a family where the family tree is a wreath!
Back away from the computer...eek!

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

tree bark.....


Unknown said...

Having met you personally, I would say there are several "perfect pairs" there for you! Besides, you aren't tall enough to see their faces, are you?

Moooooog35 said...

Mike: No..seriously..closing your eyes DOES help. Ask your dad.



Vodka: Doesn't say much about you, now, does it?

You need to think before you write, woman.

Mjenks: mmmmm. parka porn.

Brutalism: More like "after ten more shots of whiskey, girls."

Midwestern: HA. Wreath. BRILLIANT.

Stephanie: Don't forget the camera.

Eva: Jeez. BURN.

You're just mad because I didn't go home with you that night.

Unknown said...

The 90 year old hippie lady might know a thing or two...

Maybe you should send them a strongly worded letter? Ask them if they think you look like a grizzly bear who enjoys sleeping with women who enjoy rolling around in ur scat?

MommaKiss said...

jesus christ, that first picture that you found GOD knows where is going to haunt me for days.

holy fucking burn by eva!

Rita Templeton said...

Know what's worse? Those dudes - er, ladies - probably chose the most flattering picture of themselves to post on their profiles. And that says a whoooole lot.

Mike said...

Moog: Leave my mom out of this and I'll leave this outta your mom!


Unknown said...

Okay don't write them off yet. You just might get them to cook you a meal and clean your apartment!!

Elly Lou said...

What? It was a bad photo! The weather was humid! My eyebrows needed waxing!

Think I should get rid of the white top? Is that what did it?

Man, I will totally bench press you if set up a date.

No? Still not working? Maybe if I borrow that pink parka...

Christina_the_wench said...

You are too damn picky is all. You may have to lower your standards once you run out of lotion.

Just sayin'...

Chris said...

"I had no idea my penis could just detach itself and flee screaming."

While the mental picture is disturbing, the line is hilarious.

ClevelandPoet said...

don't knock tree bark masturbation till you try it.

maybe they just need some Pantene?

Vel said...

My cousin (photo #3) says she wishes you'd stop calling her. She never actually signed up with

(She is interested in the tree bark thing though.)

Ann said...

#1 IS 49? AND #4 is 50!?!

I don't think so. This takes lying about your age to a new level. Going by these "ladies" I guess that makes me like 12 years old. No.

Congrats on finding the granny dating site.

Maxie said...

I'm going to spend my evening putting your profile on OKCupid.

I hope you're excited.

Miley said...

Maxie has the right idea. OKStupid is where I found the most unstable men! Surely you can find a mildly attractive slightly unstable woman there :)
I'd date you.
Well, maybe. I mean, dates involve food right? I like food...

Sunny said...

"Detachable Penis" I LOVE THAT SONG. I'm gonna go Youtube it right now.

Here's a shout out to all the ugly girls, we need love too, am I right?? Just remember what my dad always says "There's an ass for every seat." Loosely translated in this case to mean there's someone for everyone. Dude, don't tell me you haven't seen the ugly couples!!

Pat said...

This is probably happening because you were voted the guy most likely "NOT" to succeed. Ha!

Didactic Pirate said...

I don't know what you're talking about. The chick on the left in that second pic is HOT.

Malach the Merciless said...

Wait until my photo shows up there . .

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

My advice: Take what you can get for a while. You need to get some practice in before you move up to the Big Show.

pattypunker said...

meth grandma knows best. haven't you ever humped a tree?

bikramyogachick said...

Stay away from internet dating. It sucks. I tried it last year.
I'll stay single thank you!

Moooooog35 said...

Heather: You say 'sleeping with women who enjoy rolling around in ur scat' like it's a bad thing.

Momma: I know. Eva really brought it this time.

Rita: Yeah. Pretty sure those are 'Glamour Shots.'

Mike: I would but she STALKS me, Mike.

she stalks me.

Wannabe: I don't eat squirrel.

Elly: Ooooh. I'm intrigued by the bench pressing!


Christina: I don't think my standards actually get that low.

Chris: I think the mental picture is actually quite adorable.

* say with English accent for even MORE fun!

Veggie: I'm here for you.

Cleveland: God..I'm all splintery just thinking about it.

Vel: I live in an apartment now.

No trees.

Ann: Thank you for the congratulations.

Not really.

Maxie: That's a gay site, right? Has to be.

woman: Unstable men? I believe that's the place for me, all right.

My apologies, Maxie.

Sunny: I have not see the ugly couples...I try to avert my gaze.

Pat: Succeed at what...getting good looking date recommendations, obviously.

Didactic: Good luck with that.

Malach: Really? I figured you were plunging neckline tat lady. no?

Vapid: mmmmm..gummy.

MikeWJ: What's the Big Show? Letterman?



Bikram: NOW you tell me this?

How am I going to let Bertha down easily? said...

I'm going to have nightmares from that first photo.

You succeeded once again in spiking my therapy bill. Well done, friend, well done.

Marie Nicole said...

Hurry, bring your computer in for a check-up. These pics have been in there? Whatever these people have, they've now infested your hard drive with it. Look under your battery for armpit hair, and smell your keyboard, I'm sure it's got that distinct blue cheese smell. I'm telling you, that shit spreads faster than a cheerleading squad!

life in the mom lane said...

wow...all I have to say is I look pretty damn good if they are my age....

MrsBlogAlot said...

If it makes you feel any better, I got those same "It" suggestions.

I decided to stick with my husband being all...a boy and stuff.

And yeah, that first picture is what real horror movies and bad dreams are made of.

Unknown said...

I somehow got on and still can't figure out how. I get sent the creepiest dudes as matches and get messages about clicking yes on me. I don't want anyone that creepy clicking my yes button. Sean Connery can click yes any danged time he wants. Know what I'm saying? I think you do.

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