Dear Dickwad,
No, I do not know your name.
Nor do I know who you are.
But I know WHAT you are.
You're an asshat.
Why do I know this?
Because every time I go into the men's room to launch my little brown canoes, I can tell when you've been there.
How?
Three words:
Ball. Hair. EVERYWHERE.
Mother of Christ.
It's like four hundred little Magic Pube Fairies came in overnight and sprinkled short curlies all over the toilet and toilet seat.
*** SIDEBAR ***
Magic Pube Fairies: Fact or Fiction?
Discuss.
*** END SIDEBAR ***
Dude.
I have to poo.
I do NOT have the time to sit there and try to blow them off the seat...
...or wipe at them with a little fragment of toilet paper...
...hoping...NO, NO...PRAYING TO GOD that they're not of the 'wet' variety.
As this will require physically wiping them off.
And, no...
...I'm NOT going to just leave them there and sit down.
If I wanted to know what it felt like to sit on your pubes, I'd call your mother.
Do you not know this is happening?
Based on the sheer amount of curlies that are sitting here, I would imagine that your penis - right now - looks like Charlie Brown's Christmas Tree...
...all mange-looking and shit.
(For my Jewish readers, replace 'Charlie Brown's Christmas Tree' with 'Dreidel' or 'Minotorah' and you should be all set with the above analogy. You're welcome.)
I have found this hard to believe, but you're actually WORSE than that other guy.
You know the other guy.
The guy who USES HIS ELECTRIC RAZOR WHILE STANDING OVER THE TOILET without putting the seat up.
Awesome.
Looky what we got here!
Little tiny whiskers all over the goddamn seat.
Asshole.
Dude, if I wanted to know what it was like to sit on your face, I'd call pube-guy's mother.
She's a dirty, dirty mommy.
(mom...call me)
So, instead of a toilet seat covered in little whiskers (not the cat food)...
...I get a toilet that looks like Epstein from 'Welcome Back Kotter' is resting his head on it.
In closing, you prick, check for your nut hair before exiting the shitter.
Or shave your balls.
Either works for me, but with the latter, I have less work to do.
Until I start pooping.
Then I'm nothin' but business, baby.
Thanks in advance.
Signed,
Epstein's Mother
**********************
Also...
DON'T FORGET TO ENTER MY HARD ROCK CAFE giveaway contest that features pictures of Kathy Griffin in a bikini!
Two winners will be picked Friday and all you have to do is comment.
You're welcome.
HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThat's jewish for HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Thanks for the Charlie Brown Christmas tree translation though...I never understood that guy.
It could be ass hair. Those are short n curly, too. I don't know if that's better, though.
ReplyDeleteJust sayin'.
Dude, I had the grossest realization a couple weeks ago. My Father-in-Law was in town. Both my wife and I are red heads. He is not. The ball hair on my toilet was not either. Not knowing the source is FAR better than {gag} the thought of wiping his pubes off my seat.
ReplyDeleteYou should tape a few squares of toilet paper to the wall in each stall with an "in case you leave pubes on the seat, please use this emergency kit to wipe them off before you exit the restroom" sign.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, you crack me up!
ReplyDeleteI can beat it. Women who leave blood spots during Aunt Flo's visit on the toilet seat.
ReplyDeleteI shouldn't read your blog right before lunch. Lesson learned.
Christina... Amen to you I say Amen...
ReplyDeleteWomen can be gross in public restrooms. I was at a concert over the weekend and in the womens room... Someone. Shit. On. The. Floor. then smeared it around the stall classy!
OHHH Christ on a cracker. You crack me up!!
ReplyDeletebwwwaaahhhaaa
Omg I had a housemate once who used to do this over the toilet. Talk about dealbreaker.
ReplyDeleteIf he's reading this, he'll be SURE to leave more pubes everywhere. Just to piss you off.
ReplyDeleteAny post with a "Welcome Back Kotter" reference is golden in my book.
ReplyDelete"I'd ask pube-guy's mother..."
Awesome.
Mrsblogalot: You're very welcome.
ReplyDeleteSue: Oh. Ass hair.
Then I guess it's me.
Dorn: Does your dad work HERE?
Wannabe: That's not a penis rest.
A real man's penis never rests.
Brutalism: Right.
Because men are thoughtful like that.
Eva: It's like you expect something different when you get here.
You're welcome.
Christina: LALALALALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALALALA
Torn: In my defense, I really thought I was in the men's room.
Midwestern: Two, count 'em, TWO crack ups today!!
Katbird: Wait..what deal are we breaking here?
Mike: It's you, isn't it.
Chris: You're right. You can never ever go wrong with a Welcome Back Kotter reference.
Did my teenaged son miraculously find paid employment and start working where you work? Because that boy leaves his pubes EVERYWHERE.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I can have him at your residence by at least midnight. Have fun with him. He wants to build a damned tesla coil but he doesn't want to learn how basic electrical current works.
That also being said, I haven't been to our community pool because of my own Epstein. Guess which part of me looks like Horshack!
Oh come on. That man is probably all about the hygiene in this hot summer humidity. He probably thought, "You know what would make me substantially more comfortable today, and make my johnson look bigger at the same time? BALL SHAVING!" and some inevitably fell into his boxers. See, cleared that up for ya.
ReplyDeleteAlso, "If I wanted to know what it felt like to sit on your pubes, I'd call your mother." is my favourite line of the day anywhere and I hope one day I NEVER get the chance to use it. :)
OMG, I was going to write a post about this very thing because I have just recently discovered that I. Am. Guilty! I had no freakin idea I was doing this! Of course, it's only been one (when I finally caught on and noticed) but I'm a redhead so it's an actual RCH!!!
ReplyDeleteBecky: You sound hot.
ReplyDeleteVeggie: why would you NOT want to use that line?
I've used it twice today and that was just saying 'bye' to my kids.
Sunny: aaaand scene.
Dude - every sucka in a cubicle feels your pain. It's actually a valid reason to freaking manscape! (alteast down there)
ReplyDeleteAny post with a Sweat hog reference deserves some kind of award.
ReplyDeleteHair (even the pube variety) I can deal with. What launches me into fits of rage is walking into the stall and finding that some asshat has lined the bowl with toilet paper, and then left it there. Or worse yet, the idiot has a case of Hershey squirts and doesn't bother flushing. Both textbook examples of justifiable homicide, if you ask me.
ReplyDeleteCould be worse. I work in a office with 2 men and 25 women, and all the bathrooms and unisex.. try that one on for size
ReplyDeleteAaaaannnnnddddd you are back!
ReplyDeleteYes.
I was worried all this crappy apartment and shit was going to be the end of you but you just knocked it out of the park, again, and made me wet my pants.
Thank you.
I am sufficiently disgusted. Nothing more NAST than the short curlies.
ReplyDelete'tis why I have NONE.
i gaged a number of times while reading this
ReplyDeleteare you pleased ?
gagged...
ReplyDeleteGeez.
ReplyDeleteHow much balls hair does somebody have to have to shed that much everytime?
WTF?
Does he have Chia-sac, or what?
Oh no. Genital alopecia, clearly. I think there's a ribbon for that. It's made out of pubic hair. Not the most popular ribbon, but still a worthy cause.
ReplyDeleteI need to make a mental note to NOT come here when I am having my morning coffee.
ReplyDeleteI am going to go hack up a hair ball now.
Also? Ed...CHIA-SAC?!? Love it.
That's just gross. On the bright side, if the poor dude follows your advice and partakes in some manscaping, his junk will look bigger!
ReplyDeleteHey, I just came across your blog. Thanks for totally grossing me out... and for the laugh. :)
ReplyDeletePeace,
JB
William: Thank you. I accept cash.
ReplyDeleteTarheel: My bad. Sorry, dude.
Malach: I can think of no worse fate then having to hear a woman drop a deuce.
Terrible.
I will pray for your soul.
Jen: Making people incontinent is my specialty.
Momma: Thank you in advance for the photos.
Justsome: Yes. I am pleased.
Not sure why that would be surprising.
Ed: Makes a great Christmas gift!
Steam: So..are there charity walks for that?
Worst. Walk. Ever.
Vapid: Strange how you said 'hair ball.'
Or..appropriate.
Your pick.
Bikram: I KNOW! I'm still curious, though, why mine has a tan line.
JB: Peace to you, too. I will refrain from pointing out that you 'came across' my blog.
Nevermind. I did it anyway.
its almost as much fun to read your comments as it is your post... u guys are a hoot !!! :D
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHA!!! Love this post! And I love that my man shaves (you know what I mean).
ReplyDeleteI hate pubes.
ReplyDeleteEspecially when they're stuck in the back of your throat.
Wait, what????
It's posts like these that remind me to comment on your hilarity at least every once in a while, just to up your ego level.
ReplyDeleteHey, this happens in women's bathrooms too. I mean, WTF? Please, clean up after yourself. What amazes me is how often there's pee on the seats in the women's restroom. Guess they didn't want to risk sitting on somebody else's pubes.
ReplyDeleteHuh, I read the title as "Ball shredder" instead of "Ball shedder" and wondered if moog had started going out with my ex.
ReplyDeleteWord to the wise moog?
Don't.
That chick will leave you with scars both emotional and scrotal.
Heavens to Betsy! That was some funny stuff right there!
ReplyDeletethis sentence really had me laughing out loud for several minutes:
ReplyDelete"(For my Jewish readers, replace 'Charlie Brown's Christmas Tree' with 'Dreidel' or 'Minotorah' and you should be all set with the above analogy. You're welcome.)"
Ahahhahahahaahahaha!!
You just need to purchase one of those hand held battery operated fans. When you go to use the hairy toilet, just flip the switch, and wha-lah! Hairs-be-gone! Keep the fan in your pocket and women will think you have a big, well, FAN. It's a win-win situation!
ReplyDeleteYou know, what baffles me is didn't their mum teach them to check the seat when they're done? And why are they shedding so liberally? These things usually shed when they are being scrubbed in the shower, IF they shower, that is ;)
ReplyDeleteI should have been eating while reading this. Now I know.
ReplyDelete*stumbled & tweeted*
ReplyDeleteOh my. Just another reason (to add to the never-ending-list) of why it's great NOT to be a GUY. Oh. Public bathrooms suck. Sounds like something you'd find at Wal-mart.
ReplyDeleteI'm so super grateful that 90% of the ladies in my age group do landscaping. But I can always tell when I am in a different demographic because Horeshacks sisters been there. Also the thought of public toilets make me want to pluck out my eyes and suck on them. So thanks for this article that will make me go dive in a silkwood shower.
ReplyDeleteI have to mention 1 thing, on the statue issue, when I took my daughter to the United Nations in NYC they Greeks had an exhibit and we couldn't help but notice that the statues had extremely small male genitals. I am rethinking why Rome fell. Charley Browns Christmas Tree was not needed for cover, you could have used, a Hamster Tail. No wonder they couldn't stay sober just saying
ReplyDeleteAll of the above are why I avoid using public toilets if I can possibly help it. And usually I can. I have trained myself to have a bladder of steel.
ReplyDelete@TPOBP--Maybe the Greeks and Romans were growers, not show-ers?