I hate locker rooms.
Let me explain.
There comes a time in every man's life when he must go through a certain ritual...
...a passing of manhood, if you will.
Speaking of passing manhood, I took a shit this morning that looked like Abraham Lincoln.
I don't remember eating the little plastic top hat...but whatever.
Remember, guys...pooping is just like cooking:
It's all about the presentation.
I also don't think the guy in the next stall appreciated me yelling:
"I EMANCIPATE YOU!!"
But, fuck him. This is democracy at work.
On a related note, has anyone coined "I'm gonna go free the slaves" as their term to go take a shit?
If not - you heard it here first.
Guy #1: "Dude...where you goin'?"
Guy #2: "Oh, man. I had a huge lunch. Gotta go free the slaves."
Mark your calendar.
I'm getting friggin' audited this year.
Obama won't take this kind of shit from me anymore.
(I didn't vote for him...I just like the picture...off to find one of Sarah Palin in the same pose)
What the fuck was I talking about?
Christ...I go off on a shit tangent and completely lose my goddamn mind.
So, I'm going into the locker room at work to change for the gym.
My boss, Mike, is in there, just back from his run.
He's getting naked to take his shower.
The last time I saw my boss naked was during the job interview.
When you have no marketable skills, sometimes "I Go Ass-Up" is the best thing to put on your resume.
So, I have a locker in the men's room...
...and my boss is right next to me.
Now - let's not mince words here:
I glanced at his junk.
I didn't stare at it...
...I didn't fondle it and devote a shrine in my house to it (shout out to my Uncle Ronnie here)...
I took a sweeping glance at it.
Mother. Of. God.
It was like looking at a fucking rainforest.
Manscaping is apparently not in my boss' vocabulary.
At one point, I swear I saw a parrot fly out of from within that generous thicket.
With this image now burned in my head...
(What just hit me? WHO THREW THIS COCONUT?!?!)
I bent over and started tying my shoes - one foot up on the bench.
My boss, trying to get to the showers...
So he did what he had to do.
HE STEPPED OVER THE FUCKING BENCH IN FRONT OF ME.
In order to describe this further, let me provide a diagram of the locker room.
Hey. That's not bad.
I've gotten no fucking work done today at all.
So he's stepping over the bench bollocky bare-ass.
It's at this EXACT MOMENT that I glance up from tying my shoe...
...and see my boss' big hairy balls go danglin' on by...
...as they pass about 8 inches from my fucking face.
Isn't that just fucking awesome.
Second time today I've been witness to a passing of manhood.
Because this is so hard to visualize, I did what any good person would do:
STOP MOTION VIDEO!!!
(why am I the only one clapping?)
Here you go:
Thank you for sharing in my pain.
Thankfully, it will be another 8 months before I have to see those hairy bastards again.
My yearly review is in October.
I hope he shaves those fuckers.