The Art of Going Kojak - an Adventure in Manscaping | Mental Poo

Thursday, October 04, 2007

The Art of Going Kojak - an Adventure in Manscaping

So, during my vasectomy consultation, the doctor’s assistant told me that I’d have to – at the very least – shave the front of my balls.

I’m assuming that this is a safeguard to prevent infection, and not the fact that she planned on blowing me during the procedure.

Regardless, I’ve toyed with the thought of going Kojak down south for a while…just never really pulled the trigger on it. There are a couple of reasons that taking an axe to my crotch hasn’t happened before:

1) Fear of cutting off my balls
2) Fear of cutting off my penis
3) Just plain fear
4) Having my buddies find out and berating me relentlessly until I give in and sign a declaration stating that I will, in all honesty, re-grow my pubes back to their original (if not longer) growth
5) I’m married with two kids…who the Hell am I trying to impress?

But, when the doctor’s assistant told me that this is REQUIRED then, well, Hell…who am I to argue? Plus, I was reading some other things that said that chicks really dig it…so maybe…just maybe…this would improve things in the bedroom. And, if not, I’d at least have a good blog entry.

So, with two months to go before the actual procedure, I made the decision to go ahead and shave the whole kit and caboodle. I’m not sure if a guy’s junk has ever been called “caboodle” before, but I’m just throwing it out there.

But where to start? What to do? I’ve never shaved my balls before, so how do I know what to do? The answer came to me in a flash: I’ll Google it.

You’d be amazed (okay, maybe not really) at the amount of sites that offer advice on how to do this. I Googled “how to shave your balls” – and received 1,490,000 hits. These are the sites in English. I’m sure that if I expanded my search, I’d be able to find out how to shave my nuts on a more global scale.

Now, I don’t know about most guys, but I find it hard to believe that in an area roughly the size of a drink coaster, that you could work in 1.5 million ways to trim your short curlies.

So after doing a bit of research about what looks best…what to look out for, etc., etc., I took to my task that evening in the shower.

This is where I have a problem. I’m short – 5’2” tall and a size 7 shoe. I’m not setting any records in the length and girth departments, by any means. In stark contrast, and to my dismay, there isn’t a razor made today without 15 blades and a head that’s 2 inches wide by 3 inches long. On the bright side, this should be over quick. On the not so bright side, I don’t think I have room on my penis to actually move this thing back a stroke.

Luckily, after rummaging around in my medicine cabinet, I found my old standby – the Sensor. Two blades vs. the average 7. Small. Lightweight. The problem here is that I’d never feel comfortable shaving my face again with this razor. I decided to use it anyway and eventually just grow a beard.

Now, if you’ve never taken a good look at your genitals (usually I just reach down and give a couple of yanks with nary a thought of the landscape), let me tell you this: It’s a jungle down there – literally. I felt like I was discovering a Mayan ruin. It’s basically a square foot of thick underbrush, with a couple of grassy knolls and a temple (I now believe that JFK's shooter was not in a grassy knoll in Dallas, but rather hiding out in someone's unshaved groin).

How the f*ck am I supposed to navigate this with a razor?! I can’t even see in there without the aid of a machete and a Tibetan Sherpa (who was very helpful, by the way).

The answer to that question came in the form of my old beard trimmer.

So, pants down, squatting over my toilet, I start hacking away at this thing with my beard trimmer. I can only equate the amount of hair flying off there to what it would be like watch Mr. Kotter get a haircut. How my trimmer did not get jammed, I have no idea - but I'm glad, as it would suck to have to explain why I needed a new one. After a few minutes, the mini-Mayan temple appeared (huzzah!), and I felt comfortable enough to move this party to the shower.

Phase 1 complete. Begin Phase 2…


prin said...

I like your writing style. It makes me read even nasty TMI testicle stories by accident. lol

Anonymous said...

You missed the perfect opportunity. You should have had a chick shave you.

Anonymous said...


First- way to go. If your friends give you shit, tell them to fuck off. Getting head (do you still get that as a married man? I've only been married a few months so I'm not sure if my experiences count yet) will NEVER feel the same. One good clean-shaven blow job = shaved sack for life. If they give you shit, tell them to blow you so they can see how much better it is.

Good choice on the beard trimmer and on the sensor. I just gave in and got two razors. I have one of the Schick 4-blades for my face (love it.) and my trusty sensor 2-blade for my nethers.

Some pointers from a guy who's been trimming the hedges for a while now:
1- DO NOT USE NAIR. That shit burns. BAD. trust me and stay away from it.
2- Just like most things in life- maintenance is way easier than repairs. tidy that shit up every couple days and it gets a lot easier.
3- every time you put in a new blade, you WILL fear for your life. or at least that of Captain Happy.

Anyway- good luck. getting razor burn on the sack sucks pretty hard but it's totally worth it once in a while.

Moooooog35 said...

I've read the Nair thing before - but double-kudos on the follow-up tip.

Sxdiva - thank you for the advice. I'm now looking for volunteers for my maintenance shavings.

DubLiMan said...

I don't quite know why, but I came back for another look. And then I saw it, on your blogroll, the person you most reminded me of "baba doodlius." What do you say to a link swap? I'm pretty sure my readers would get some perverted pleasure from reading your posts, I know I do. If you agree, go ahead and link me, then leave me a comment that you have done so and I will immediately do the same.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

so, will you be cleaning it out before you use it on your beard again?

BTW, shaving your genitals shouldnt be scary. just be careful.

Baba Doodlius said...

Mayan ruin. This is the first time I have heard that particular analogy. I am blogrolling you immediately.

By the by, if you got a mil and a half hits on "how to shave your balls", just imagine how many you'd get on, oh, I dunno, something totally random like "Farrah Fawcett shaved pubes".

My Mobile Notary said...

Did you hear of waxing? I understand many men have it done. Sounds like it may be a little torturous for a moment, but then it's over. :-)

Moooooog35 said...

I don't even like waxing my car, nevermind mentioning actually doing it to my nether regions.

Lis said...

Uhm, interesting post. I'll second the waxing suggestion as it lasts longer but I see you're not a fan of it.

Before shaving, I think it's generally advisable to trim the length first which I think you're already doing with the beard trimmer?

Also, use a small hand mirror so you can see better?

One last tip, exfoliate if you don't want ingrown hairs!

Clandestine said...

A male brazilian would do wonders, it also (so I've heard) gives the illusion of being much more endowed. The women at spas who give them also tend to be quite attractive. And its not that painful-many places will offer you a glass of wine (or two or three...) beforehand.

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