So, during my vasectomy consultation, the doctor’s assistant told me that I’d have to – at the very least – shave the front of my balls.
I’m assuming that this is a safeguard to prevent infection, and not the fact that she planned on blowing me during the procedure.
Regardless, I’ve toyed with the thought of going Kojak down south for a while…just never really pulled the trigger on it. There are a couple of reasons that taking an axe to my crotch hasn’t happened before:
1) Fear of cutting off my balls
2) Fear of cutting off my penis
3) Just plain fear
4) Having my buddies find out and berating me relentlessly until I give in and sign a declaration stating that I will, in all honesty, re-grow my pubes back to their original (if not longer) growth
5) I’m married with two kids…who the Hell am I trying to impress?
But, when the doctor’s assistant told me that this is REQUIRED then, well, Hell…who am I to argue? Plus, I was reading some other things that said that chicks really dig it…so maybe…just maybe…this would improve things in the bedroom. And, if not, I’d at least have a good blog entry.
So, with two months to go before the actual procedure, I made the decision to go ahead and shave the whole kit and caboodle. I’m not sure if a guy’s junk has ever been called “caboodle” before, but I’m just throwing it out there.
But where to start? What to do? I’ve never shaved my balls before, so how do I know what to do? The answer came to me in a flash: I’ll Google it.
You’d be amazed (okay, maybe not really) at the amount of sites that offer advice on how to do this. I Googled “how to shave your balls” – and received 1,490,000 hits. These are the sites in English. I’m sure that if I expanded my search, I’d be able to find out how to shave my nuts on a more global scale.
Now, I don’t know about most guys, but I find it hard to believe that in an area roughly the size of a drink coaster, that you could work in 1.5 million ways to trim your short curlies.
So after doing a bit of research about what looks best…what to look out for, etc., etc., I took to my task that evening in the shower.
This is where I have a problem. I’m short – 5’2” tall and a size 7 shoe. I’m not setting any records in the length and girth departments, by any means. In stark contrast, and to my dismay, there isn’t a razor made today without 15 blades and a head that’s 2 inches wide by 3 inches long. On the bright side, this should be over quick. On the not so bright side, I don’t think I have room on my penis to actually move this thing back a stroke.
Luckily, after rummaging around in my medicine cabinet, I found my old standby – the Sensor. Two blades vs. the average 7. Small. Lightweight. The problem here is that I’d never feel comfortable shaving my face again with this razor. I decided to use it anyway and eventually just grow a beard.
Now, if you’ve never taken a good look at your genitals (usually I just reach down and give a couple of yanks with nary a thought of the landscape), let me tell you this: It’s a jungle down there – literally. I felt like I was discovering a Mayan ruin. It’s basically a square foot of thick underbrush, with a couple of grassy knolls and a temple (I now believe that JFK's shooter was not in a grassy knoll in Dallas, but rather hiding out in someone's unshaved groin).
How the f*ck am I supposed to navigate this with a razor?! I can’t even see in there without the aid of a machete and a Tibetan Sherpa (who was very helpful, by the way).
The answer to that question came in the form of my old beard trimmer.
So, pants down, squatting over my toilet, I start hacking away at this thing with my beard trimmer. I can only equate the amount of hair flying off there to what it would be like watch Mr. Kotter get a haircut. How my trimmer did not get jammed, I have no idea - but I'm glad, as it would suck to have to explain why I needed a new one. After a few minutes, the mini-Mayan temple appeared (huzzah!), and I felt comfortable enough to move this party to the shower.
Phase 1 complete. Begin Phase 2…