Mental Poo

Monday, March 30, 2015

You know you wanna...

Before I get to writing my new post, just wanted to let you all know that the pre-sale for my upcoming book, "Romantic as Hell" will be going on VERY VERY shortly!!

If you're interested in getting an advanced copy of the PDF (unfinished) and would like to give it a review on your website/blog, you can sign up by clicking this link:


*immortality totally not guaranteed, FYI

FYI, by going there and signing up, you'll get a sneak peek at the cover of the book and, I have to tell you, it's pretty fucking phenomenal. Probably because I didn't make it this time.

Hope to see you there! If you know anyone that does book reviews or would also like a copy for their blog, please share the link!

Stay tuned for an upcoming real post.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled whatever.

Monday, March 23, 2015

of trampolines and white trash

We took the kids to an indoor trampoline park the other day.

If you've never heard of these, they are basically ginormous places where you spend $15 per kid to have them jump on trampolines for an hour and exhaust themselves to they can fall asleep around 6 pm.


We arrived at the trampoline place and found it packed. We all took our coats off and the kids took their shoes off and we promptly claimed a table by piling everything up on and under it.

Off the kids went.

The wife and I followed to go watch. She watched the kids while I watched all the moms jumping around with their own.

Boobs are funny when they flippity flop.

There was an area where the kids were able to joust "American Gladiator" style by standing on a beam over a foam pit and try to bash the other kid off using giant foam Q-tips. This was awesome, although I did get reprimanded by the attendant for yelling "NO MERCY" and "HEAD SHOT! GO FOR THE HEAD!" about 200 times.

We're a competitive family.

The wife and I decided to go sit down because at our age standing up for longer than 3 minutes at a time is probably unhealthy.

I'm not a doctor.

As we approached the table, we noticed two women had commandeered it. They were sitting in front of our coats and on the bench over all the shoes. My wife, mind you, had tested and passed for her green belt just the day before and was pretty sore. I was also pretty sore because of the 'no sex before a fight rule' and now I was looking at a good few days of no-nookie because she could barely move. My balls were killing me at this point.

"This is our stuff," my wife said to the women.

"This is ours," she said, pointing at OUR OWN COATS.

"," my wife continued. "These are our coats."

"Well, ours are over there," the woman said, pointing to coats on the other side of the table on the bench seat. "You can sit there."

"I think I'll sit here," and then my wife sat down.

Let me rephrase this.


It was at this point that the woman seated right next to my wife began using words as "rude," and "bitch" and then - the kicker - "white trash."

My wife looked at me, fresh from her Kenpo test and said, "white trash?"

Uh oh.

The verbal argument that ensued between the two of them escalated when the OTHER woman started pointing at my wife.

"Why would you call me 'white trash,'" my wife asked. "You don't even KNOW ME."

"I know you're rude. I'm calling the cops."

This was getting good. Two women going at it. In my silence, I was trying to hide, like, the biggest boner.

After a minute of the back-and-forth, I could hold my silence no longer.

"White trash?" I said. "Really?"

I said this, looking at the two women, both in black jeans with greasy curly hair. They had really thick Boston accents (I have one, too) which didn't make their case any better.

"What are you?" one of the women said, "A midget?"

"I prefer dwarf."

"Go away, shrimp," the first woman said.

"I won't take insults from someone with Jeri-Curl hair."

"WHAT?" she said...and then...

"That's disriminitative. Jeri curl."



I looked at her and crouched down to her seated level.

"Discriminitative isn't even a word."

My wife, at this point, got up and grabbed everything to move as the first woman pretend-called the police.

"Come on," my wife said.

"I can't. I'm being discriminitative. I have to find out what this means first."

But, my wife was right. We should probably move. I always hate being accused of discriminitative verbostitatiousness.

On the bright side, no one was killed. My wife didn't end up in jail.

And the kids were all asleep by 6 PM.

Like I said, so worth it.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Cover Me

The breaking news of late is that my third book should be coming out this Spring!

It's called, "Romantic as Hell - Tales of Woe, Tips of Woo."

As it stands right now, it's in the hands of my editor and then off to my publisher for final formatting.


There stands the issue of the cover.

I've come up with a couple of ideas, none of which I'm completely sold on. Here are some that I came up with on my own for the front:

Personally, I like the second one better.

I also had another idea of a woman's foot in a red high heel shoe stepping on a teddy bear for the front, and another shot of her stepping on a heart-shaped box of chocolates for the back.

However, my wife refuses to be a foot model and mine are hairy. Also, my pumps are, like, SO OLD.

I've said too much.

Another idea is to have a teddy bear tied to an archery target, with flaming arrows surrounding him.

As you can tell, the book is pretty anti-teddy bear.

If any of you want to throw some ideas my way, have at it. I'm always open to suggestions, especially if the suggestion includes alcohol. If you're good at PhotoShop or any graphics program, and want to give it a go, I can give you an acknowledgement in the back of the book and promise you a signed copy of the book, plus the usual praises in your general direction, etc., etc.

Monday, March 09, 2015

I'm being bullied by Apple.

In my cubicle, I have a Mac Powerbook that I use for testing.

Yes, I'm a software quality assurance engineer.

This is exactly why none of your shit works and your computer reboots every 30 seconds.

The Mac has a screen saver that scrolls dictionary words across and then pauses on certain ones. Whenever I happen to look over at it, it's always shit like this:


Okay. I suppose that one makes sense.


I wouldn't say I'm exactly offbeat, but more like, 'peculiar' or 'really muscly and attractive.'


It's at this point that I'm thinking the laptop has become self-aware and is actually watching me.

Either that, or my boss programmed it since, you know, I'm typing this at work.

Thursday, March 05, 2015

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack - kinda


It's been a while and a lot has gone on in the Lacroix household.

That said, I've now got my own website and domain, dedicated to my books and videos and news. You can find me here:

My new book, "Romantic as Hell" is just about ready for final formatting and has been sent off to my publisher, so STAY TUNED.

I'll be posting here as well from time to time now that I'm back on the scene and everything has settled down a bit. Hopefully you're all still out there and interested in the stupid shit I have to say or show you.

*flashes penis*

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