Motivational Filler - Cuteness and Beastiality

This was posted back in August...when everyone was on vacation and no one was reading.

So I'm reposting.

Yeah..you may have seen it before in different posts of mine.

Tough shit.

My blog, my rules.

In fact, I've even ADDED a new one to the original post...so you get yourself a TWOFER!

Have a joyous day!!

**************************

Motivate THIS.

(points at crotch)

Nothing to see here today...

...except a custom "motivational poster" made by yours truly over at Big Huge Labs.

Seriously...

...I have no idea how I made it almost 40 years without finding this thing.

Here's today's posters for you (click to enlarge (that's what she said)):




Mmmmm.

Chicken fingers.

If you want to see all of my custom posters, click here.

If you like them, feel free to post them on your site.

Just give me some credit.

God knows my bank won't.

Moog out.

I Kicked Jesus' ASS - Part Two

HIYA!

Scared?

This is 'Part Two' of my karate tournament recap.

For Part One, click here.

When we last left our hero (me - hellooooo? my blog), we were in this situation:

I had just finished my first bout of sparring by defeating a 7'4", 350 lb. gargantuan with all-gold teeth, nicknamed 'The Spine Shredder.'

Some of the above may not be completely accurate.

Regardless, I won my first fight.

With my first win under my belt, it was time for someone else to fight.

Brian.

Brian is another one of the other 'Super Awesome Karate Dads' (oooh...great name for a rock band) from my school.

Fully stoked, Brian immediately went up and wasted absolutely no time in getting his ass completely fucking handed to him 3-to-0 by this really tough looking Latino guy.

The Latino guy's name?

Jesus.

That's right.

We were fighting Jesus.

Jesus was from a school named 'Dragon Fury' (you can't make this shit up) which is basically the Southern New Hampshire version of Cobra Kai.

They take their shit SERIOUSLY.

So Brian goes up against Jesus and Jesus - in true 'I AM YOUR ONE TRUE GOD' fashion - attacks him with flying spinning kicks and roundhouse shit and it's just one fucking giant blur of Jesus parts slamming into Brian's face and random body parts.

Brian.

Goes.

Down.


Me: "Jesus Christ."

Jesus: "What?"

So that leaves two winners (me and Jesus) to go head-to-head for first place.

Tale of the tape:

Rodney:
Height: 5'-2"
Weight: 155 lbs.
Specialty: High, fast kicks. High pitched girly screams can shatter glass.

Jesus:
Height: 5'-8"
Weight: 170 lbs.
Specialty: Makes wine out of water, raises the dead, wicked spinning roundhouse kicks.

I'M FUCKED.


The master calls us up:

Master (pointing to where I'm supposed to go): "Rodney."

As I'm walking up, he calls:

Master: "Jesus."

All I can think of, walking into the ring, is:

"How the fuck am I supposed to beat Jesus?"

Granted, it was pronounced 'Hey, Zeus'...

(Jesus...Zeus...HOLY FUCK...is this guy TWO deities in one?!?)

...but this is how my mind works even in the face of impending death.


Regardless, we somehow managed to get the score tied at 2 points apiece, with one more point deciding the winner for first place.

No pressure.

The Master yells "GO" and I try to fake Jesus out - similar to what, I guess, Judas did but without wearing protective headgear - and he comes at me with a kick and then ANOTHER spinning kick.

If I don't get hit with these Jesus kicks it's gonna be a miracle.

Wow.

There's a bit of irony for ya.

Regardless, as his Jesus feet are flailing towards me, I back out of the way...

...and as he lands...

I kick him in the stomach.

BANG.

* cricket

POINT.

MINE.

I win.

I WON?!

I beat Jesus!

Fuck. YEAH.

Unfortunately, this did not sit well with Jesus who stood across the building from me for the rest of the day staring me down with his entourage (apostles?) and shaking his head in disgust.

Wife: "I think Jesus is totally going to kick your ass later."

Wouldn't be the first time.


What was weird is that, as I write this, I am totally sick with congestion and fevers and chills and shit.

This came on IMMEDIATELY after my fight with Jesus.

I swear to God that's true.

The Lord works in mysterious ways, apparently.

But screw him.

I got the bigger trophy.

************************

UPDATE:

I've never - EVER - posted a modern day picture of me.

Until RIGHT NOW.

But I'm so proud of what my son and I were able to do (i.e., 'clean fucking HOUSE'), that I've decided to share that with you.

Please bear in mind that I'm sweaty from sparring and have somehow managed a type of 'superman' jeri-curl thingy on my forehead...because I'm usually way hotter than this.

Oh, yeah...I'm the one on the left.

For more pictures of the tournament, and the hotness that is me, check out my Facebook page - which is accessible via the 'Touch Me' link above, or click here.

Moog out.

I Kicked Jesus' ASS - Part One

Alternate title for this post:

Suck it, Jesus!

But that might be pushing my luck.

Let me explain.

My son and I both entered a karate tournament over the weekend.

***** Sidebar *****

I'm 41 years old and just competed in a karate tournament.

Really fucking cool...or very, very sad?

Discuss.

Don't tell me your decision unless it's 'really cool and sexy' (women only).

***** End Sidebar *****



My son entered three categories: forms, self-defense, and sparring.

He did not place in 'forms' (note to myself here to berate him about this until he cries), but got second place in 'self-defense'...

...and FIRST FUCKING PLACE in 'sparring.' (fighting)


He placed first in his previous tournament in sparring, too.

My 6 year old is a WARRIOR.

A warrior who plays with Legos.

Umm...

LEGOS OF DEATH!

That's better.

Much more fierce.

Got to do something about not placing in that other event, though.

I didn't raise him to be a loser.

But he is a master of fighting.

He fought FOUR TIMES and won every match.

I was so proud.

But...

...after winning the fourth match, he turned to the crowd...

...raised his hands up in victory...

...and yelled:

'UNDEFEATED!'

* cricket

Um.

Yes...undefeated.

And modest, too.

That wasn't too embarrassing.

Thanks, Cam.


I enrolled in the same three categories, but for the 'over 35' age group which is all BYOW.*

* Bring Your Own Walker

I placed first in self-defense and second in forms.

That's, right.

I'm awesome and then second-to-awesome.

Those average out to 'pretty fucking awesome.'

Oh.

I see where Cam gets his modesty.

I've digressed.


But then came sparring.

I was going against a guy that I go to class with, and two other guys - both higher belts - from different schools.

With my protective gear on and my mouthpiece in (shout out here to 'Madame Punishment'), I stepped into the ring..

..and beat the first guy 3-to-2.

That's right.

Man went DOWN.

DOWN TOWN.

DOWN TOWN TO GET HIS PARKING VALIDATED AND THEN MAYBE SWING OVER AND GET HIMSELF A TACO.

I think I've gone a little too far with that phrase.

But I won my first fight.

I told you folks and you didn't believe me:

Five feet of fury, baby.

Five feet of fury.

After I won my first match, it was my friend, Brian's turn.

And he fought Jesus.

True story.

***********************

Stay tuned for Part Two where I have to fight God's only son.

That he knows of.

Totally going to Hell.

Totally.

Sex with Pastry and Blind Education - Moogism Volume 1

Today I unveil a new segment based on LiLu's popular and always funny:

'Shiz my Boyfriend Says'theme.

Since I don't have a boyfriend...

(As such, my sphincter is nearly flawless! Yay for heterosexual me!)

...I'm doing this about my own quotes.

I love myself.

You can, too, for $85 an hour.

I accept PayPal.

Where was I?

Oh..yes...shit I say.

"Moogisms," if you will.

(trademark pending)

Today's Moogism Episode:

Sex with Pastry and Blind Education

ONWARD!!
*****************
Blind Education

My 6 year old son was getting ready for karate the other night.

As we were leaving, I noticed he had a new water 'sport bottle.'

On it was a logo for 'Spindel Eye Associates.'

Because, you know, nothing screams 'I'M SPORTY!' like the optometry profession.

Me: "Cam...where did you get that water bottle?"

Cam: "We had to take an eye test at school today."

Me: "No kidding. How did you do?"

Cam: "I passed. I didn't miss a single letter!"

Me: "Phew. That's good. Because you know, if you fail an eye test, they won't let you into college."

* blink

Cam: "Really?"

Me: "No. Not Really."

*****************
Sex with Pastry

My wife is an excellent baker.

She still remains the only woman I know who can burn water, but she can bake the shit out of cookies and cakes.

So the other day, I walked into work with a big plate of  iced pumpkin cookies she made.

My friend, Kristin, who I share a cube with, tried one.

Kristin: "Oh my God..these are good."

Me: "I know. Her baking season has started and she's off to a good start."

Kristin: "What else is she making?"

Me: "Next up is 'pumpkin roll.'

I. Heart. Pumpkin roll.

Kristin: "Pumpkin roll? Is it good?"

Me: "IS IT GOOD? Holy shit, if I didn't think it was illegal, I would totally fuck pumpkin roll."

Yes..I told her I would fuck a large gourd-derived pastry.

It's that good.

Unfortunately, I told my wife about this conversation the other night.

I don't think she's letting me anywhere near her pumpkin roll this year.

You know...

Probably a good idea.

Moog out.