Mental Poo

Monday, July 27, 2015

ERMAGERD and an apology

Hey everyone.

First, I need to apologize for getting you guys all excited and posting for, like, 3 weeks straight and then disappearing again.

I'm like that mysterious man in your life who has a wife and only spends time with you when his wife is visiting her mom.

Don't ask me how I know that.

I apologize for being so unattainable as of late, but I have been diligently working and reworking "Romantic as Hell" to make it - and I say this with all the sincerity of someone who wants to sell a billion copies of this - the best book EVER.

EVER.

I'm talking "Better than the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series" good.

That said - I'm working with the PDF proof of the book as we speak, which is the LAST iteration I get to see before it goes to print. PRINT, people. PRINT.

So, yes. It's coming very soon.

Just like I do when the wife is visiting her mom.

I should probably stop typing now.

Monday, June 01, 2015

Whoa.

So, turns out I have some pretty high-profile backers of my upcoming book. I just got Justin Guarini to endorse "Romantic as Hell" and my boner hasn't gone done since I've received his quote.

I'm not gay, just really excited.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

If - for some reason - you have no clue who Justin Guarini is click here.

I also highly suggest you follow him on Twitter because he is hysterical.

If you STILL don't know who he is, feel free to watch this:



You're welcome.

That said, check out the marketing sleeve I made for "Romantic as Hell" - Coming soon to an Amazon near you.

That sounds weird.

Special thanks to EVERYONE who has been helping me with this project. You know who you are and I love you all in the sensitive bits. You complete me.




Monday, May 18, 2015

Romantic as Hell COVER REVEAL!

Well, it's getting closer to release time (that's what he said), so here you go...

The officially almost-final cover of "Romantic as Hell"


Stay tuned for presale info and the final release date COMING SOON!!!

What do you guys think?

Monday, May 11, 2015

The Humiliation of Jax - Volume 1

Let me start this off by saying that I love my dog.

Let me follow that up by also saying that I will not be surprised if, one day, my dog up and kills me while I sleep.

You see, we love putting things on Jax's head.

I don't know how this started, or why, but it seems like whenever there is something we find that isn't bolted to the ground or so heavy that it will kill him, we put it on his head.

Without further ado, I give you some prime examples of why, exactly, my dog probably really hates me.

This one we call, Sir Jaxham Hat:


Here is what my dog would look like as a Swedish girl with pigtails:


KHALEESI!


This is actually a pretty good job he's doing of balancing while plotting my demise:


Took him SO LONG to guess this Headbanz clue. Man, we made so much of him after this:


Like a reverse Jonah:


PETA is probably going to give me shit after this, but people pay good money for stone massages, right?


This is what Jax would look like as an elephant, probably:


'Sup.


..and then we crossed Jax with a Yak and got a Jak:


I love this one:


Who says my puppy doesn't know how to party?


He had the biggest St. Patrick's Day hangover after this one:


SuperJax. Guardian of the Household:


Yes.

I have more.

Stay tuned.

That is, if he hasn't killed me before I post them.

Monday, May 04, 2015

Beckham can bend my shiny white ass

By the time you read this, I will have coached my first kids U12 (Under 12) soccer game of the season.

I fucking hate soccer.

HATE IT.

The only reason I'm coaching is because (a) no one else would step up to coach, (b) there are some pretty hot soccer moms on the team this year and I look good and (c) see (a). Parents suck.

This is the second season I've had to do this. Last season, I was 'assistant coach' but the 'regular coach' didn't really do anything but she's a woman and you can't say anything about a woman stepping up her game because then the totally shut down the V on you.

I hope my wife isn't reading this.

This season, she decided to not 'coach' so, unfortunately, I was the only one. Keep in mind we have 22 kids on the team and I'm the ONLY person to step up and coach. This really sucks - especially when two of the kids on the team literally flap their hands as they run down the field. Like birds. Little soccer birds. Little soccer birds who can't score or defend for shit.

I cry sometimes.

Not really knowing or liking the game can be a big disadvantage when you're, you know, coaching it.

If you're in this boat, I've created some handy-dandy skills you can use during practices. The last practice we had was actually run by a semi-pro and I just tagged along. By 'tagged along' I mean 'tried to understand wtf he was saying because he was Irish or Scottish.'

Ever single thing the guy said made me want to fertilize my lawn. I'm pretty sure he also said "Blarney Blarney" a lot.

That said, here you go. Good luck, you poor bastards.


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