Mental Poo

Monday, May 26, 2014

We now interrupt this regularly scheduled blog...

Confession: This post has been a long time coming.

Until further notice, "Mental Poo" is going on a hiatus.

This is a really hard paragraph for me to write because I know there are a LOT of you out there who may be new readers or faithful fans and followers.

To those of you who have been with me for the last OHMYGOD 6 years or so of this blog, I'm sure you've noticed that - well - it's just not the same around here any more. The stories have turned to pictures. There is very little text.

I think, in large part, it's because I'm just not feeling funny here any more.

Back when I started this blog, I had a lot of stories to tell. A LOT of them. And I told them in a shitty style with bizarre pictures and people came and read and laughed.

That doesn't happen much any more. I think the fact that the blog is a dying art, and I've turned my attention to writing books, is a major part of that. PLUS, I have an actual REAL job that I'm trying to keep - so finding the time and material to do this is getting more difficult.

Truth be told, there is a LOT going on in my personal life that I DON'T put out on Twitter or Facebook or this blog. Everyone has their demons to deal with, and mine are sapping my desire to write on a daily or even weekly basis.

Once upon a time I wrote SO MUCH that I was scheduled out with posts 4 months in advance. Right now, I have 3 posts that were scheduled.

3.

I start my mornings tired. I go through my day mentally exhausted. My nights are sleepless. My stress and anxiety is off the charts. There is so much I wish I could tell you, but I can't. Depression? Probably. Anxiety? Definitely. Stress? Oh fuck yes.

Suffice it to say, my wife is amazing and supportive and I'm lucky to have found her. But there's so much more going on that even she feels the stress and strain of it all.

So, until things - hopefully - start taking a turn for me, I'm going to need to focus on getting myself back in order.

That will probably take some time.

Please note that I am STILL on Twitter and Facebook (you can find the links on the side) and have managed to move most of my funny over to those mediums because I have a short attention span and like chocolate.

You can also check me out on Amazon - where I currently have 2 best selling comedy books and 3 more in the works. No shit.

That said, I'm closing up shop here for a while, but PLEASE KNOW that I love each and every one of you.

Except you, Jim, from Accounting. I still think you're an asshole.

Moog out.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Two Funny Brains and the Shampoo Video

I was asked - once again - by the VERY funny ladies over at Two Funny Brains to do a video for them regarding a 'Man's Take' on things.

They call the segment "Men on Women" but my idea for a video with that title is WAY different than what they wanted.

So I made them a video like they asked.

Here you go - click this link if you can't see the embedded video:



Seriously. No one needs to be that clean.

If you're looking for my first video - about PILLOWS - you can find it right here.

Check out the ladies, follow them on Twitter and like them on Facebook.

 ..and stay tuned..because they've asked me to do more videos.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Now if only my books would disappear off the shelves.

When I went to Vegas a couple of months ago, I was introduced to the amazing comedy magician, Murray Sawchuck.

Sure, his hair is a bit odd, but he's married to a Playboy Playmate so...

*dyes hair and adds 14 pounds of gel while learning to saw the neighbor's dog in half*

Murray performs in Vegas at the Tropicana (2 years and going) and is a regular on the History Channel's show, "Pawn Stars."

That said, Murray got a copy of my latest book and, well...

THIS:


How effing cool is THAT?!?!

Please feel free to share the link to the video and friend Murray on Twitter and Facebook. 


The guys is truly amazing.

THANKS, MURRAY!

*throws smoke bomb and trips over own feet while trying to make hasty exit*

Monday, May 05, 2014

No Shit, WebMD

Back when I had chest congestion and the only thing Google could help me with was whether or not I knew complex equations involving quantum mechanics, I decided to try my hand at the old standby:

WebMD.

Everyone knows that you don't use the Internet to look up shit like "sniffles" because what will come back in the results is shit like "OH FUCK you have Ebola" or "it's obviously syphilis, you hideous crack whore" but I figured I'd give it a shot because this technology has to have gotten better, right?

RIGHT?

Here's what came up when I picked 'nasal congestion' as my symptom:


Oh what the Hell.

Personally, I'd take the "crack whore" insult over being the incurable victim of what is, apparently, a deliberate terrorist attack using castor beans.

Way to encourage me to up my Xanax prescription, assholes.

This is when I realize that WebMD changed their format so you could just plug in any combination of symptoms and they tailor the results so I just started randomly picking some stuff to see how ridiculous things got.


Thank GOD for this service because under no circumstance would I ever think that the fact I haven't eaten in two days was the cause of my HUNGER.


"Hey, you know what's weird?"

"What?"

"I've been lifting heavy weights for, like, 3 years now and for some reason I have muscle growth."

"Dude. Don't fuck around with that shit. You need to see a doctor or at least look that up on the Internet. The longer you wait, the more muscular you'll probably get."

"Hold me."

The Hell.


Maybe I'm underestimating the effects of narcotics, but I'm pretty sure that if you take Ecstasy and the Ecstasy makes you giddy, the fact that you're giddy is - in all likelihood - THE FACT THAT YOU TOOK ECSTASY.

Either that, or you're bipolar. Now you know.

Stop yelling and laughing at me.


SPIDER!

Just checking.

I know you're all thinking the same thing I am which is, "My GOD. How do you look so good, Rodney?" but I think the bigger question here is, "What the Christ is a 'Jumping Frenchman?'"

Of course if you Google this crap you come up with this:


I don't think this is right.

I'm pretty sure if you were dancing and a French guy landed on your face you'd not only be fully aware of this but would also have a tough time seeing the computer to go on WebMd in the first place so I checked their glossary instead.

Turns out this is some weird mental disorder and has nothing to do with ballet dancers sitting on your face.

DISAPPOINTING.


Whoa.

Talk about hitting home.

I'm looking at these conditions, though, and none of them seem right. Maybe with some editing...


There. That's better.

Still doesn't explain my friggin' sniffles, though.

Anyone want some castor beans?

Monday, April 28, 2014

Because Dog Shit is More Fun if it's got Rhythm

My dog is pretty regular.

He poops in the morning. He poops at night. He's a lot like me in that regards, but unlike me in that I can't reach my genitals to lick them.

:(

Every morning I take my dog out to do his morning doodie. This means that I'm wandering around with some poop bags as my little dog searches for 3 hours to find the perfect spot to take a shit. Usually this involves smelling other dog shit that people didn't pick up.

On a related note, I'm really glad I don't have to do this. I can't imagine thinking, "Man. I really have to drop a loaf. I hope someone forgot to flush so I have some motivation."

Regardless, I often find myself singing to the dog as he starts crapping.

I don't know why. It just..it just happens.

What do I sing?

Well, this is where I become the creepy guy in the neighborhood because I'm out there alone, in the silence of the New England mornings, rewriting song lyrics to make them about dog shit and belting them out at 7 am.

Here are some examples of what you may catch me singing on any given morning (with sample lyrics if applicable):

Billy Idol: "White Wedding"
It's a...nice day for a...brown poopy...
It's a...nice day to..CRAP AGAAAAIIIIINNN..

Cinderella: "Don't Know What You've Got Til It's Gone"
My dog took a crap
On a lawwwwwn....
Some were little nuggets
But one was looooooong...

Salt-N-Peppa: "Push It"
That one is self-explanatory

AC/DC: "For Those About to Rock"
For those about to poop...FIRE!
*makes fart noise*
WE SALUTE YOUUUUUU!

(generic cheerleading chant)
Squish it out
Squish it out
Waaaaaaaay out

Drowning Pool: "Bodies"
(whisper) Let the poopy hit the lawn
(whisper) Let the poopy hit the lawn
(whisper) Let the poopy hit the lawn
(whisper) Let the poopy hit the...(make 2 cymbal sounds)
(Yell) LAAAAAWWWWNNN

So there you go.

Feel free to use any of these while you're walking your own dog but, I can't be the ONLY one who does this, can I?

CAN I?!?!

Maybe I can be.

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