Mental Poo

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Things I Would Rather Do Than Eat Light Mayonnaise

I like mayonnaise.

Please note that this is not a euphemism for what you think it is because I'm totally not into the gay thing unless it's maybe Mike Rowe from "Dirty Jobs" because there's just something about that guy.

I've digressed.

Being a single dad I figured I'd try to spruce up my already spectacular physique by purchasing "Light Reduced Calorie Mayonnaise" at the grocery store and save myself a few calories.

NOTE: If you like regular mayo, light reduced-calorie mayo is a TERRIBLE TERRIBLE IDEA.

But I've spent, like, $2 on this shit so I can't just throw it out and say goodbye to a week's salary so now I'm struggling through the jar one disgusting sandwich at a time, but would much rather be doing anything else.

Please note that #8 originally said "Be Ron Jeremy's personal fluffer" but after much consideration I felt there was way too much gay in this post already.

There's probably more, but right now Dirty Jobs is on.

They should make him eat light mayo.

Monday, February 06, 2012

I saw a "Day in Pompeii" and all I got was some really filthy looks in the museum

WARNING: THERE IS FACTUAL HISTORY CRAP IN THIS POST*

*I'm so so sorry

My girlfriend and I took my kids to the Boston Museum of Science to see an exhibit called "A Day in Pompeii" which is basically a bunch of artifacts excavated from the famous city that sat at the base of Mount Vesuvius (which loosely translates to "A Mountain named Vesuvius" - you're welcome).

Had Vesuvius not actually been a giant volcano then the location of this city wouldn't have been a problem but - no shit - it WAS a giant volcano and pretty much buried the city in 12 feet of ash and stuff, killing all 25,000 inhabitants in the process when it blew it's proverbial load in 79 A.D (in this case "A.D" means "Aw, DAMN the volcano just exploded and killed us all. Who wants tacos?")

This, people, is why you don't live near a goddamn volcano ON PURPOSE.

Regardless, it was a large and rather somber exhibit.

For most people.

You see, neither I or my kids or - sadly, now - my girlfriend can actually take anything seriously at all even if it's about 25,000 people frying BECAUSE THEY LIVED RIGHT NEXT TO A FRIGGING VOLCANO...SERIOUSLY?! so it was basically us just goofing around amongst a whole bunch of historians/somber people/somber historians and getting some shitty looks in general.

Some examples...

Making Your Children Partake in your Terrible Sense of Humor:

With my kids in tow, we wandered around the exhibit and of course they're getting a little bored because I'm not sure how many old pots you can look at and still be excited so instead I had them pose like this:

I call it "The White Man Group."

What's interesting is the reactions you get from people who look like you have two heads because you're saying, "NO! Crouch lower. More left. There. Perfect," or "Dude. SPOT ON imitation of Bacchus. HAHAHAHAHA!" in, you know, a pretty somber setting.

People are weird.

General silliness:

The worst looks I got was when we saw the remains of a pig but the pig had only three intact legs and the fourth was this tiny little peg-leg of a thing which led to this exchange:

While I was at the tail end of my pirate pig impression with my son dying laughing I looked up and caught the evil glare of some guy walking through the exhibit who was obviously displeased with my pirate pig antics.

Probably squinting my eye pretending I had a patch over it and limping a bit whilst doing the 'argh oink' didn't help my cause all that much.

Of course, when I got home I immediately put the pictures up on my Facebook page.

But, you know..what's a picture without a caption?

The biscuit one is my favorite.

Of course, no photographs of tragic historical events is complete without going to work the next week and, you know, making the pictures you took into greeting cards and shit.

The first one is from a guy who died in Pompeii while still in shackles. They assume he was a prisoner left to die:

I, of course, assumed otherwise and immediately made a wedding invitation out of it:

That, seriously, makes SO much sense.

What else could we use this tragic event to announce?

I KNOW!

And no natural disaster of epic proportions is complete without trying to get some business out of it, right?

Seriously. This guy probably could have used Brenda Smith's sage advice with her experience in finding homes not immediately adjacent to a friggin volcano and would have probably purchased a nice home somewhere else and survived another day - only to be plundered by a shipload of pirate pigs later on.

Make a Grand Exit

Of course on the way out we were walking down the hallway past the people walking in and I found this an excellent time to make up a song. These are the lyrics I sang to the best of my failing memory.

Please sing this to the tune of "Cocaine" by Eric Clapton:

A pyroclastic flow!
Oh no,
We got to go..
Pompeii.

Pumice in the sky!
Looks like
We gonna die..
Pompeii.

(chorus)
Burning sky
We should fly.
Gonna fryyyyyyy.

Pompeii.

*standing ovation

If history has taught me anything, I'm actually not sure what that would be but it certainly doesn't have anything to do with being serious.

You're welcome.

Pompeii.

Sunday, February 05, 2012

Wrapping Up the Week - February 5, 2012

Thursday, February 02, 2012

Well. That was unfortunate ad placement.

Went to log on to my email account the other day and noticed this:

Gah.

On a related note, I no longer want to see Madonna naked.

Monday, January 30, 2012

I'm in love with Fox News Anchor Gene Lavanchy and I don't care if the whole world knows it

Please mark your calendars appropriately as the day that I was delivered a restraining order by a Fox News Anchor.

Before I leave for work every morning (notice I did not say 'go to work' because 'arriving at the building' and 'actually doing work' are two completely different things) I turn on the Boston Fox News station because:

a) I need background noise for all the games I am CRUSHING my opponents in of Words with Friends, and
17) I like the anchors

Specifically, I'm a big fan of Gene Lavanchy because he doesn't take anything too seriously and I think we have the same sense of humor and even though I don't swing that way, I think we would get along swimmingly just bantering while sitting around in a sauna.

Or a bar.

A straight bar.

This is just a simple bromance, people.

You know? Gay bar, straight bar. Whatever. His choice. I'm flexible because I'D BE AT A BAR WITH GENE LAVANCHY!

*jazz hands*

It has gotten to the point where my girlfriend has threatened to beat up Gene because I'm all, like, "Gene said this.." and "Gene said that" and, in her defense, it's probably really annoying to hear someone go on and on like this when you're trying to have sex with them.

The more you know.

Regardless, I thought I'd bring you just a few of our Twitter conversations because I'm kind of proud of the fact that Gene actually responds to me and it's usually not in the form of a court summons.

Enjoy.

************************
This whole thing started when I made a comment about a story of a local meteorologist who GOT LOST IN AN APPLE ORCHARD and had to call 9-1-1 to get out. My comment about the meteorologist got my first-ever response back from Gene directly:

..and a Twittermance was born (trademark pending)

************************

Research?

Sure it is, Gene. Sure it is.

But I will never judge you, my friend.

******************
There was a headline about Mark Wahlberg stating that if he was on one of the 9/11 planes with his kids that he would have been able to stop the hijacking and land the plane safely.

*blink*

I know. I had the same reaction.

I Tweeted this to Gene:

A few minutes later, this happens and I got so excited that it immediately went up on my Facebook page and Youtube Channel:

OMG RIGHT?!

Sure, Gene completely botches the delivery and completely ruins the joke but in his defense the word 'happening' IS kind of tough to say under the pressure of cameras.

The part that I cut off at the end, though, is that another anchor on the show quoted Dane Cook with a very similar remark - but the movie he used was "Rock Star."

Dane Cook: stealing my thunder since, like, whenever he showed up and got famous.

*insert Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath my Wings" song here

******************
Then we got snow up here and it turned out to be kind of slippery so I sent this to Gene suggesting that their morning meteorologist, Cindy, use this in her forecasts to, you know, get an edge on other stations. YOU'RE WELCOME, CINDY.

******************
One morning, Fox did a fluff piece about this study, resulting in yet another Twittermance between me and my Gene-o:

******************
One day, people in Boston were shocked to find out that Gene's longtime co-host, Kim Carrigan, was fired so now when someone disappears for a day on the show we all assume the worst (that they were sent to cover American Idol).

********************

Seriously. I got, like, 16 kazoos and a bunch of those things you spin around in your hand for $2.

Radio gold, my friends. Radio gold.

That is, once this restraining order is lifted and I'm allowed within 500 feet of Gene Lavanchy again.

*waves from bushes

***********************************************
UPDATE:

I Tweeted the post to Gene after it posted:

So, just in case there's a tsunami somewhere in Asia today, Gene and I both apologize.

Then there was a headline this morning about a new website that allows you to take pictures you snap on the Boston commuter rail system and post them so people can rate them.

But Gene didn't Tweet it. His cohost, Shannon Mulaire (bites palm and makes growl noise) did.

Here's how THAT went:

Oh, Gene-O...They're onto us.

*tsunami