Survey Says...You GOTTA Be Kidding Me, Right?

They've GOT to be joking.

Let me explain.

You see...

Every so often when I'm at work and not blogging or Twittering or FaceBooking or doing general fuckoffery, I look at my work emails.

Then I go home.

5 minutes of actual work is PLENTY.

But the email I got the other day said that there was an Employee Satisfaction Survey that we needed to take.

Ugh. Fine.

BUT THIS BLOG ISN'T GOING TO WRITE ITSELF, MR. MANAGEMENT!

Then I looked at the questions and thought:

"You've GOT to be fucking kidding me."

(click to enlarge images)


Are they expecting us to be honest?

Because, you know, screw that.


Well..this one's interesting.

Because see that one that says 'there are days I don't put much effort in'..?

Here's my ACTUAL SCREEN SHOT I took of this page:


Honestly. I have no idea what I get paid to do.

But what the Hell is up with the "Yes I'm looking for another job" question?

WHO'S THE DIPSHIT WHO ANSWERS THAT HONESTLY?!

Actually, who answers ANY of this honestly?

My boss barely knows I'm here. Like I want him fired so they can hire someone who will actually pay attention and conclude that Microsoft Paint isn't really a necessary part of my job function?

I don't friggin think so.

The best part was that this was an anonymous survey.

BUT...

You had to choose the department you're in.

So I answered them all with 'Hell no' or 'my boss is a tool' and 'I do nothing' and then I picked the Product Management department who were the assholes who sent this stupid fucking survey out in the first place.

Think that was a good idea?

___ Agree

___ Strongly Agree

___ HAHAHA

Moog out.

Mrs. Claire Page Needs My Help!!

I love spam.

Not the fake mutated pig stuff...although that's really really good too.

Email spam.

I got this email the other day (click to enlarge):


********************
To: midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com
From: INFO
Subject: CONTACT MY LAWYER


I am Mrs Claire page i am sick in the hospital.

Please contact my lawyer.

Email(barr_landonwatson08@gala.net)

********************

*blink

For the record, I don't know who the fuck Mrs. Claire Page is.


Wow. She really does look like she needs medical attention.

Should I...should I reply?

Um...

DUH.

Here's what I sent back:

********************

To: barr_landonwatson08@gala.net

From: midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com


Dear Mr. Landonwatson Barr,

OH.

MY.

GOD!!!

I just got an email that Mrs. Claire Page is sick in the hospital and that I needed to contact you immediately! I have immediately dropped what I was doing (helping starving children in third world countries - FUCK YOU, Sally Struthers!) because of this situation.

Is she okay? Was it food poisoning? It was food poisoning, wasn't it? I told Mrs. Claire Page over and over and over again that her love of those delicious enchiladas would be the end of her but did Mrs. Claire Page listen to me? Nooooooooooo. Of course not. Now Mrs. Claire Page has only one person to blame.

No, not herself. The guy who made the enchiladas.

Why don't you ever just LISTEN to me Mr. Landonwatson Barr?

(Is it Landon Watson, or Landon Barr Watson (Landon is a KICK ASS name, by the way - kudos to you AND you're a lawyer?! You must have whores EVERYWHERE. Please send one as starving children in third world countries are in DIRE need of unprotected sex with crack whores and by 'third world countries' I mean 'me.' Thank you in advance.))

Where was I?

OH!

Mrs. Claire Page!! How dost thoust I forget?! (olde English makes everything sound classy, am I right? Of COURSETH I am..eth.)

So, Mrs. Claire Page told me to contact you.

Am I in trouble? I'm just curious because there's NO way you can pull fingerprints off an enchilada (been there, done that) although - to be honest with you - there MAY be some small traces of DNA in it (that ain't sour cream, if you know what I'm saying, Landonwatson. And I think you do. *wink. Don't act coy..like you've never had sex with Mexican food before).

In closing, let Mrs. Claire Page know that she's in my thoughts and that I'm waiting with an anxious bosom for your return email. I know it's anxious because my nipples get itchy. Doctor said it was a side effect of the Oxycontin but I seriously think it's just my pecs getting antsy.

Talk to you soon Mr. Landonwatson Barr.

Yours in Christ,

Barack Obama

(I'm not the actual President, but I changed my name because I thought it would be cool to have as a white Republican - the prostitutes at the Republican National Convention are gonna LAUGH their asses off)

********************

Sadly, I have not heard back.

I'm assuming Mr. Landonwatson Barr is busy taking care of Mrs. Claire Page's estate.

Poor bitch.

Wrapping up the Week - March 14, 2010

Before I start today, I just want to be serious for a second (mark your calendar) and go all-out and pimp myself out.

Hey..even I get tired of the beatings from Rodrigo after a while.

On April 2nd, I will be the 'Special Guest Host' for a fundraising bash for "New Hampshire HorseTalk Therapeutic Services" which is an organization that provides hippotherapy services.

So - you'll be able to find ME - yes ME - on April 2nd at Milly's Tavern in Manchester, NH hosting this awesome event.

Bands, auctions, masssages from the Whiskey Girls, Cabin Fever Whiskey, raffles..a ton of shit.

Come down.

Meet me.

Support the cause.

Have some fun.

ONWARD!!!

*************************

I had herniated disc surgery last Saturday so I haven't been my usual hilarious self unless I was on my constant stream of Vicodin which is the best. drug. ever.

Hooray for butterflies!!

No idea.

Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...

My Posts from this Week:

My herniated disc caused me a wicked bout of sciatica.

So, of course, this resulted in an illustrated guide on how to poop when you have a major pinch in your sciatic nerve.

Duh.

Wife my pupil's mother writes paper in the worst a note way.

and then the...

Top Ten Hints that you May Have Children.

Clip-n-Save, people!

Moments in MENTAL POO History:


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A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

I celebrate Valentine's Day last year by taking my kids to their first Monster Truck show.

My wife. SO lucky.

Am I right?

Puke begets puke begets puke begets puke....

I'm a lucky guy.

************************

Two Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

Low-flow toilets are the friends of NO ONE.

Enemies of all.

My first post-vacation article about my vacation to Disney with the kids.

Screw you, Mickey.

Screw. You.

************************
Some funny shit that's not mine that I read this week:

My favorite new site: Emails from an Asshole

I have the camel toe of a much younger woman.

************************
There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

Motivational Filler - Terror

*******************

Motivate THIS.

(points at crotch)

Nothing to see here today...

...except a custom "motivational poster" made by yours truly over at Big Huge Labs.

Seriously...

...I have no idea how I made it almost 40 years without finding this thing.

Here's today's poster for you (click to enlarge (that's what she said)):


You know..screw it.

Take the guy, too.

Leave the girl.

Thanks, Pterodactyl!

If you want to see all of my custom posters, click here.

You can also purchase Authentic "Motivate THIS" Mental Poo Merchandise at the 'Mental Poo' store, or click any of the images below to be taken right there.







Yeah. I'm in it for the money.

Duh.

Moog out.