Ms Sharon Wilfred wants my Love Shafd

Give me an "S!"

Give me a "P!"

Give me an "A!"

Give me an "M!"

What's that spell?

Two hours of me screwing off at work.

That's what that spells.

I got the following email the other day:


Hi,
I'm Ms Sharon Wilfred, can we talk,
i will want to get to know you better ,
Contact me with my private e mail address; sh_w231988@hotmail.com
I am an easygoing and understanding lady.
I see friendship as a gift we give to ourselves and i want you to be one of such gifts to me.
Talk to u soon .

Ms Sharon Wilfred.

*******************

Please note that the fact this came from 'LoveShafd' did not escape me.

Cuz..you know...it sounds like 'love shaft.'

I'm 12.

Regardless..seeing as I was at work and really didn't feel like working (typical) and I can't simply just sit here and ignore Ms Sharon Wilfred because - hey - a friend is a friend and worst case I get my bank account wiped out but when it all boils down to it, losing 20 bucks seemed worth the risk.

So I replied.

Of course.


*******************

Hi Ms Sharon Wilfred!

Or..can I just call you Sharon? Are we at that point in this relationship yet? Sharon? Shar? Sharry?

OMG I love the song "Oh Sherrie" by Steve Perry (the guy from Journey with the great voice but unfortunately large nose). But you know what they say about guys with long noses, right?

If you do, please let me know...because I kind of made that up but now I'm curious if there really is a saying.

So..you want to be friends? Like pen pals? Or like a pet rock?

FYI - speaking of pet rocks, I have one googly eye. Always keep 'em guessing, that's what I always say. Am I looking at you? At a star? Passing vehicle? YOU NEVER KNOW WITH ME AND MY GOOGLY EYE!!

I be crazy.

I hope you like crazy. Cuz you just bought yourself a great big bucket of it, Shar. I'm crazy. I'm crazy for YOU. I know we've only known each other for, like, 5 paragraphs but I feel a connection to you that I haven't felt for a woman named Sharon Wilfred in a very long time.

I hope you feel the same.

I just touched my crotch.

I'm looking forward to our friendship gifts. What are they? Are they rings? Juggling balls? HAHAHA. I said 'balls.' Does that turn you on? It turns me on. Not the balls thing, the juggling thing. Jugglers are hot.

Trust me. I know. I'm one of them.

I just winked at you but you wouldn't know it because of my googly eye.

Can't wait to have a sleepover. We can make popcorn and wear feety jammies. I'm so excited Shar. I'm so excited my nose just got HUGE.

Steve Perry gets that joke.

I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

Yours in Christ,

midgetmanofsteel

**********************

Then I sent it.

Duh.

Then SHE REPLIED BACK.

WITH HER PHOTO.

Stay tuned for THAT, though...this post is long enough as it is.

That's what Ms Sharon Wilfred says...

..about my love shafd.

Mr. Sharon Wilfred out.

Wrapping Up the Week - September 5, 2010

Before I start..

..it's time for my monthly feature for the promotional modeling company I stalk...er..um..volunteer for (??):

The Whiskey Girls

Also...the Whiskey Girls are going to be having their very own 2011 Calendar!



If you're interested in helping out the Whiskey Girls who pretty much all volunteer their time for worthy causes, you can order them here.

Visit www.whiskeygirls.net for more information or click the graphic below.

Introducing - Whiskey Girl of the Month

Samantha

* blink

ONWARD!!

*******************

Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...

My Posts from this Week:

What do Jaws, BP Oil and Ted Kennedy all have in common?

This hat.

The shower in my house is full of people. Balloon people.

You'd be freaked out, too. Trust me.

************************

Moments in MENTAL POO History:


************************

A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':


My wife (now, ex-wife) makes her Mental Poo debut in the form of my daughter's artistic talent.

Or, lack thereof, really.

The one where I take my son to Chuck E. Cheese and he insults people.

I love him SO MUCH.

Bill gets me wet. Then he tries to kill me and my children.

I hate Bill.

************************

Two Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo':


I turned 40. God that SUCKED.

This is why you NEVER EVER EVER take your kids into a Verizon store and let them play with the phones!!!

However, this also qualifies as best. practical joke. ever.

I take a Sexual Harassment quiz at work.

You can imagine how that ended up, I'm sure.

************************
Some funny stuff that's not mine that I read this week:

Hollywood is Where Hot Comes to Die...and, apparently, so do kittens in your engine if you think that's what the pinging sound is.

Sure, Iranians hate cheerleaders but the best part about this is that I got to rewatch the "Team America" theme song video over and over again about 400 times.

FYI..if you hate the term, 'Fuck Yeah,' then the video in that latter link is probably not for you.

************************
There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

Twix or Tweets - Teenage Gandhi Edition

And the mystery of "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!" continues.

Let me explain.

The latest rage for asshole lazy bloggers is to self-promote themselves by reposting some of their own Twitter Tweets as blog posts.

I am now stooping to this level.

Actually, I'm 5'-2" tall.

No stooping required. Already there.

Sucks.

Below are some of my very own Tweets that I've subjected my 12 followers to.

Click here for Volume One, Volume Two and Volume Three.

HOWEVER..

You may or may not know that I also Tweet under the guise of this name:

Teenage Gandhi

No idea.

Anyway...Sit back...relax...

And enjoy some of Teenage Gandhi's tweets.

*************************

Sexting in India is so much different than in the US. Here it's like, "Oh babe, I'm totally going to hide your appearance."


Random historical fact about me: I can be linked to Kevin Bacon in just 3 steps.


OMG I would totally kill for a cheeseburger right now.


FYI: Never say "Become a global peace activist" when asked what you would do for a Klondike Bar. People hold you to that shit.


I've decided to take karate just in case this non-violence shit doesn't work out.


I like my women like my deity, Avalokiteshvara - all hands and lots of head.


I swear if one more person asks me for a Slushie, I'm going to kill someone.


Happy Cinco de Mayo!! Or, as we call it here in India, "Crippling poverty and despair with a side of WTF IS THAT SMELL Day!"


Just asked my mother where my baseball cap was. Said, "Where's my hat ma?" and then we laughed and laughed.


I just threw in "Jesus is my copilot" during the middle of a speech. Should have seen the look on everyone's face. Priceless.


I'm declaring today 'opposite day' so I think I'm going to preach guerrilla tactics and extreme violence while wearing heels.


The worst part about wearing this dohti is that you really have to keep on top of your manscaping.


Sorry, homeless guy, I do NOT have any change. Do you see pockets in this friggin thing? Jesus.


In my defense, a girl who says "I want hard candy" sounds just like "I want hard Gandhi" when you factor in the Indian dialect


I just became Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in Foursquare! Oh...the sweet, sweet irony.


I think all these people misunderstood me when I said, "All I want is piece."


I'm just going to go out on a limb and say it: I hate curry.


SO excited to go cow tipping tonight.


Not sure how this will all pan out, but if I end up on a slab being tortured like Braveheart, you bet your ass I'm singing like a canary.


I just hassled the Hoff.


I just called tech support for my laptop and my home phone rang.


Ugh. Being forced to change my password again. I'm starting to run out of ways to spell "C0ckRing"


I've had a lot more free time since I got the "Preaching Pacifism" app for my iPhone


I do not condone violence but will let it slide when you must fight for your right to party.


Looking for a woman named "Ladesh" so when I tell mom I'm going to "Bangladesh" I won't be lying.


As a Buddhist and activist, I am sworn to retain impartiality and preserve peace. But between you and me, I'm totally team Jacob.


You know it was a good night when you wake up with three Tibetan sherpas in your bed and no idea how they got there.


Great. Ketchup stain.


As a Buddhist, I'm supposed to achieve peace without indulging in earthly possessions. If that means giving up my XBox, I'm OUT.


I'm amazed my followers haven't figured out that all my sermons are really just Pearl Jam songs.


People ask why I have such a good sense of humor. I got married at 13. You either laugh about this shit or cry yourself to sleep


*************************

You can follow Teenage Gandhi by clicking here.

If you want to find me (moooooog35) in Twitter or Facebook, click here.

Twitter at: http://twitter.com/moooooog35 or you can just click this button:

Find me at Facebook by clicking here:

You've been warned.

Tweet.

The Inflatable Disturbances

When you have kids, some shit just shouldn't surprise you.

Like finding Barbie dolls naked and spread eagle on your bathroom counters (SCORE!) or finding out that the dog just ate three small socks and a Polly Pocket or finding yourself saying something like, "Honey..if you're going to play with your feet make sure you wash your hands before supper."

I thank God every day that I got myself that vasectomy.

But some shit they do still scares me.

Like when I walked into the bathroom to take a piss, turned my head to the left and saw THIS peering out from the shower curtain:


What. Thefuck.

So after I screamed and peed on the wall a little and then kind of looked at it and liked the design I made so I peed on it a little more and made this entire urinary adventure into some disturbing yet germy Rorschach experiment and now I'm glad I bought latex paint for in here because it's SO much easier to get Rorschach pee stains off the wall I decided to go grab a kitchen knife and take a look around the house for other creepy balloons.

This was not as difficult as it sounds.

Because, apparently, my kids are going to be serial killers.

The first ones I came across (not literally) were these TWO that my daughter drew...

Please note that these were REMOVED FROM THE SAME SHOWER (wtf):




Awesome.

So, for those of you keeping score at home, that's THREE BALLOONS that I found IN THE SHOWER with faces drawn on them.

It's like normalcy knocked on my door and then left in a hurry when we answered it holding butcher knives screaming, "COME ON IN, WE'RE ABOUT TO MAKE CHILI!!"

Anyway, after I take the above photos, I literally TURN AROUND and on the toy shelf behind me is this inflated Picasso:


Okay..that's a little more normal of a face and..

..um..

..what's on the back of it..?

I spin the balloon around and see this:


*pees on wall

Nice.

Apparently my son can only draw creepy evil grinning balloons that would freak out Freddy Krueger and may or may not be a bit of foreshadowing into his future as the next 'master of horror' or 'creepy man driving around the neighborhood in a blacked-out van.'

So. Proud.

This is shit I used to find lying around my house on a regular basis and which also explains the strong scent of urine from my jeans. I just wish they'd just stick to the naked spread-eagle Barbie dolls lying around on the counters instead.

FYI..even with a vasectomy, you can still ejaculate.

Perhaps I've said too much.