Mental Poo

Monday, April 21, 2014

My badly Photoshopped celebrity dog - part 2

So, turns out I have a new hobby.

If you've seen my LOLJax posters and my previous "Jax as a celebrity" post, you know that I enjoy turning my dog into a sarcastic little shit.

Now I've taken it one step further and have started putting him into movie situations.

You're welcome.

Can you guess the movies or situations?!? GOOD LUCK!






Admittedly, some of these are pretty scary.

Also admittedly, all of them suck really badly.


Monday, April 14, 2014

The Story my Son Wrote

My son did some free writing in school recently and was anxious to have me read it. He's 10 and - I have to say - his writing skills are far above what mine are today.

I'm so jealous.

That said, I died laughing when I read this and told him I would re-write it and post it. 

Did I mention he's way funnier than I am, too? Such a turd.

I hope you enjoy it. FYI, it's a little out there, but put yourself in the mind of a 10-year old and it all makes sense. Not really. Not really at all. But please enjoy it anyway. I did.


*************

ZOMBIES!

That's how I woke up. It's the year 2074 and there are zombies EVERYWHERE! The virus started when fat-headed aliens decided to take over the earth by wiping out all of humanity. Which probably means it's not the best thing that I'm the last survivor. It's now technically my job to wipe out one giant alien ship at a time, trying to find the one that will turn everyone back to normal. I mean, I'm on one of those ships right now.

Well, let's get to the story...

"Okay, I have ten minutes until this thing enters hyperspeed!" I screamed, holding onto the top of the moving, giant, metal alien ship.

I leaped off the ship, timing the grenade I had planted. The explosion blew just seconds after I jumped, and my vision of an epic jump-explosion-behind-me-thingy had finally come true.

The power from the explosion made me front-flip uncontrollably towards the paved road. Just to tell you, zombies are attracted to loud noises. Coincidentally, I slammed into a car, setting of it's alarm. The car sounded like a screaming snail, so I named it 'da snail car.' I skidded across the tar, leaving a massive cloud of dust.

I thought, "Hey! I'm gonna be okay!"

That was, until, my head smashed into the brick wall of a..I think it was a bank. Anyway, everything started to go white. LUCKILY I have two more lives!

Wait. Maybe I don't.

I think I've been playing too many video games...

....

It was very relaxing, being dead and all. Everything is white. No zombies, no aliens. Just peace and quiet and me hovering around. As I looked around, I noticed there were two rips in the white - one above and one below me. Fire spewed out of the bottom one, and the top had a godly glow.

I made swimming motions to the one that I believed was Heaven.

Almost...there...

R-I-I-I-I-I-P!!!

A new tear was ripped open next to me!

I attempted to fly-swim away from it, but the new tear started to pull me in!

After a while of trying to get away, I got tired and ate some chips before trying to swim away again. I always carry a bag of chips with me in case of emergencies. Then I gave up on swimming because I'm very weak and tire easily. I mean, I ate more chips but they didn't help. CURSE YOU, POTATO CHIPS! I accidentally dropped my potato chips and the bag started to float away. Watching it leave, I started to tear up. I burst into tears and started to scream, "WHY?!?!? THEY WERE SO YOUNG!"

Then, a Mr. T with angel wings and a halo floated over to me.

He slapped me and yelled, "GET AHOLD OF YO-SELF, FOO!"

Then he disappeared.

I stopped crying and flew into the tear...

.....

I woke up, opening my eyes and finding myself staring at a dead, legless zombie (the crawler) and a man standing above me. I was on a chair with quite a bad headache. There was no blood on me, so the man must've washed it off. Then he walked away and came back with...OMG MY CHIPS! He handed the bag to me, and I started to cry.

"I..I missed you so much!" I whispered so softly, he couldn't hear.

"I love chips," I said.

The man handed me an axe and said, "You're gonna need it." He picked up a sledge hammer and hoisted it onto his shoulder.

"So," he said, "How did you get stuck in a window?"

"Well, spaceship incident," I replied. "So...what's your name?"

"Anthony. Anthony Baloney" he said. "And yours?"

"Cam. Cam McMuffin," I replied while putting on some sweet looking shades.

Suddenly, the ground shook, and there was a loud crackling noise from the ceiling. The roof was ripped clean off and green gases started filling the room.

"Wow. How convenient is THAT" I said, pointing to two gas masks behind the front desk. He grabbed them and we ran off.

We ran. FAST.

"I haven't run that fast in my life," I said, panting.

"Ohhhh, great. ZOMBEHS! More zombies!" Anthony said.

All the zombies turned their heads in our direction.

"We need to run," he said.

"NO! NOT MORE RUNNING!" I shouted.

Then a big, "HELLLOOOOOO" was heard.

I turned toward the sound. My friend, Ryan, was here! He wasn't dead! Ryan started to come towards us, but then he tripped. Then a boulder fell on him. Then a meteor. Then a really fat guy. Then a spaceship. Then a baby for some reason. Then part of the planet Krypton. Then a really fat baby. Then, finally, he was drenched with some chicken noodle soup.

"I'm okay!" he said.

"PIGGY BACK RIDE!" I screamed excitedly, as I jumped on the pile.

*CRACK*

His back cracked. I climbed off.

Suddenly, a NIFO (Now Identified Flying Object) flew over Ryan and a big sign appeared in the sky that said:

"The zombies are rising."

"Oh my G-O-S-H," I said.

"Cam?"

"Yes?"

"We. Are. Dead."

The NIFO shot out a green beam and started to suck up the pile of stuffs piled on top of Ryan.

"Watch out for the purple beam!" shouted Anthony.

"That's a green beam," I replied.

"Oh, yeah. I'm colorblind."

Anthony ran out of the way screaming "RUUUUUN" which is what I did and immediately fell flat on my face because running is terrible and I was still tired.

The NIFO started floating towards me. I thought I was done for.

That's when, quite suddenly, Angel Mr. T flew over my head, rainbows flying out of his feet like a jet. He snapped the NIFO in half, threw away one half and ate the other.

"MM. It tastes liek cheeps" he said.

I rocketed up, rainbows coming out of my own feet.

"CHIPS??!?" I screamed. I flew after the one he threw, caught it and ate it.

I love chips.

*****************



Monday, April 07, 2014

Conversations with the Wife - Part 1

One of my most popular blog bits is my 'conversations with the girlfriend' posts.

Well, as of November something (ducks out of the way of flying pan), said girlfriend is now the wife.

Please send money. I accept PayPal.

BUT, the conversations - luckily - haven't stopped.

Enjoy.












If you want more of these, you can find them in my new book, "Perhaps I've Said Too Much" - available here.

You knew there had to be a hook, didn't you?

Obviously.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Captain America: The New England Winter Soldier

I made this based on the fact that it's March 26th as I write this and we had a goddamn blizzard warning in effect for all of eastern Massachusetts yesterday.

Enjoy.


I wonder if I'll get royalties from Marvel for this.

Monday, March 24, 2014

More like a Dicker Book

Kerri's 4-year old daughter was playing with a sticker book on the coffee table the other day.

After she was done, she happened to leave the sticker sheet lying around which, of course, immediately caught my eye.

Why?

This is why:

I assume this was put out by PlayGirl.

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