Drive-In, Drive-Out, Drive-in, out,!! | Mental Poo

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Drive-In, Drive-Out, Drive-in, out,!!

You could pull the “hole in the popcorn bucket” trick pretty easily.

I’m a year away from my 40th birthday. I need to say this because I have to date myself (in age…not like I normally “date myself”) in order to give some history to this story.

I was reading another blogger’s entry on the disappearance of a drive-in theater in his hometown. Very sad, if you’ve ever been to a drive-in…

..but it made me remember something from my teenage years.

Three towns over from where I lived, there was a drive-in theater. The difference here, and I swear this is true, is that it showed porn movies.

I'm not kidding. It was an all-porno drive-in.

How this information came to be known to a 16-year old guy is not important. What IS important, however, is that I knew about it and - more importantly - my girlfriend at the time wanted to go.

The first time I heard about it, my buddies decided to go check it out. So, there we all were – 5 of us – in his Pontiac Grand Prix off to the porno drive-in (I can see my Adsense Ads going to “Public Service Announcements” with every word I type).

I can’t begin to tell how weird it was to (a) pull up to the entrance and pay for 5 guys (no girls) and (b) to be sitting in a car with said 5 guys, all with boners watching the movie. It was rough. We needed dates. Sausage-fest porno is NOT the way to go.

Long story short, we saw what we came to see, and left.

I pitched the idea of going to this place to my girlfriend at the time, who actually agreed to go.



I was so excited, that I told my buddies about it – yes, guys, I’m going to watch porn with a GIRL. I could see the jealousy in their eyes. It was awesome. My girlfriend was DIRTY. Awesome.

So, Saturday night came and my girlfriend and I packed up the car (I had a 1970 Cutlass with a front bench seat (double-bonus…didn’t have to get in the back)) with a blanket for coverage purposes. Off we went to the drive-in.

The movie was in progress by the time we got there. We parked in a spot…set up that stupid little speaker thing…and started watching the movie.

(As a side note: never, EVER, EVER, exit the car to do anything at a drive-in like this. NEVER go to the concession stand (because those guys are watching the movie, too). And NEVER, under any circumstances, go to the men’s room – this is the first time I ever read a “for a good BJ call…”, which I thought was funny…until I realized that I was in the MEN’S room.)

Anyway, we’re watching the movie. It’s at this point, that the door to the car next to us opens.

An old woman gets out. She’s old – like 70 or so. She’s by herself.

We watch her as she walks around to the front of her car…and starts cleaning her windshield with a paper towel and a bottle of Windex.

She needed to see better. That dirty little bitch.

I’m thinking: “ew…”

Anyway, the girlfriend and I start getting busy. This is the greatest night of my life…porn…my car…how could this possibly get ANY better?

It couldn’t. It could only get worse.

…because that’s when my car starts hopping.

My car starts violently hopping up and down. My ass is in the air…my windows are all fogged up…I can’t see crap. My girlfriend is now freaking out, frantically looking around like, “WTF…?

It’s then that my friend’s face pops in my window:

“Hey. Whatcha doing?”

My other three friends are on my rear bumper jumping on it...violently...and now they’re all going, “whoop!...whoop!”


Penis goes down. Game over.


The moral of my story is that if you’ve got a good thing going, don’t rub it in your friends’ faces. They will make you pay.

A year or so later, the place closed permanently. I guess Cinemax and the emergence of Ron Jeremy had something to do with it.

I hope that old lady had cable.


Forrest Proper said...

Great story. Where did you bury your friends' bodies?

Unknown said...

Class. I've always wanted to go to a drive in, I've never even heard of a porno one...That might be dangerous over here, could turn into a giant orgy or dogging session. I feel bad for your teenage self, but I would've done the same, sorry :)

Emmy said...

Oh I love drive ins! I have great memories as a kid, and even better ones with my girlfriend ;)

Danielle said...

My dad mentioned the porno drive ins "in his day" though.... yes, I said my dad, i have those "share too much information with you" parents.

They still have drive ins around my home town. Normal ones not porno ones. :)

prin said...

hehe... I would have so been with the guys jumping on your back bumper... All you had to do was show it to them and they probably would have scattered like sheep on a rampage. :D

There are still two drive-ins up here, but they only play the movies dubbed French. Tsk.

Malach the Merciless said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Would of done the same thing . . . a Porno drive in? Where the Heck did you live?

FreeOscar said...

I now know what kind of business I want to own & operate.

Anonymous said...

I would have liked to of been in the car full of boners!!!!

Moooooog35 said...

Interesting, PP...that's what it said about you in the men's room there.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

I'm grossed and yet...intrigued.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

what i am upset about is the dissapearance of booze theatres. you know, where they serve alchahol in the movies. it used to discourage me from going out to the movies, but now i just brown bag it, and bring my flask with me to the movies. vodka tastes real nice in their slurpees.

Bruce said...

Yeah, I had friends like that. Of course I would've done it to them too.

Hey Tequila. I never heard of Cinema Pubs until I moved to Florida. Great idea! We had one near us that showed movies that had been out a while. Nothing like watchin' a movie with a pitcher of beer in front of you. I took my youngest daughter to a matinee there once when she was about four. The Barney movie. By the end of the movie I was up on a chair singing along with Barney.

Anonymous said...

I remember the first Porno I ever watched. I was twelve and my friend's older brother rented it and we stole the movie and watched it. I don't think I have ever laughed so hard in my whole life. It was not a run of the mill Porno but much more of a sexual freak show. Disgusting... it took me the longest time to understand how anyone found that stuff erotic.

I guess her brother was just a freaky little wierdo.

Tawnya Shields said...

I love your blog and your sense of humor. I just turned the big 4-0. I recall the drive-ins. We had a porno one too. I went once but the people were nasty in the film. That's bad for a porno.

A car full of boners. Niiice. But then again I'm a chick.

Thanks for stoping by my blog. Good luck on having that dream about being a pom pom in the locker room of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. :o)~

Eve said...

C.Rag let me know if you need a business partner! I was talking with my boss today and I was talking about Legs and Eggs and how I should open one here because its a military town and would make crazy money.

Anonymous said...

We used to have a drive-in in a town about 50kms from where we lived...but there was never any porn. Had some good times there...but still no porn on the screen.

Too bad about your so-called friends. How were the funerals?

Raven said...

Hilarious! I hate to laugh at your mortifying moment, but it is funny.

Sara Sue said...

LMAO!! Great story. We used to have a porn drive-in here too. I sure miss that place.

Anonymous said...

Hey there! I wrote a song for you about this occasion. Or someone else wrote it, I merely desecrated it to suit your drive-in experience. It's on my blog. I've been singing it all day.

Anonymous said...

Too damn funny! I had no idea there was such a thing. I noticed other posters (or at least one) also remembers a porn drive in from his hometown. Where the hell do you people live?
Of course I am a girl, and if it wasn't for your post I would use that as an excuse for not having this kind of knowledge readily. Who was this girl? I would have certainly been far too embarrassed and insecure at 16 to suggest such a date.
Anyhow the whole thing made me laugh. thanks for that!

robr said...

Ha! The Georgetown drive in!! Been there a few times before it closed (yes, with a chick each time), and once after it closed. I didn't know it had closed, but we said what the hell, nobody else is here and went at it outside the car on the grass. Then the Georgetown police showed up and after questing my date to make sure she was actually a willing participant, they gave us a police escort of of town. D'oh!

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