..like the Ty-D-Bowl Man...but a little taller... | Mental Poo

Thursday, November 29, 2007

..like the Ty-D-Bowl Man...but a little taller...

I have no idea what they were brushing.

So, as we all know, last Thursday was Thanksgiving here in the States.

As such, with 8 people coming over for dinner (not including my family of 4), I began to clean the house.

Yes, ladies, I clean.

(...no, men, I don’t clean (have to cover my bases in Mantown here))

If you’re a guy, please skip this and go to this post here which has a fantastic picture of Scarlett Johanssen…then come back again when I write about boobies and stuff.

That’s right, ladies…

…I can bring home the bacon…

…and fry it up in a pan…

Of course, after I fry it up in the pan, the stove is covered with oil splatters and grease...and the sink is full of dishes and spatulas that I forget to clean up...and wouldn't you know that the dishes that I DO clean are put away WET on top of the dry dishes, making the dry dishes all wet and now they have to be redone...

...boy..does THAT piss off my wife...

Hey, I’m still a guy.

Anyway…with my wife embroiled in the debauchery that is “trying to get ready while making enough food to feed Zimbabwe”, I began the ritual of cleaning the house.

I take an interest in cleaning the house because:

a) My mom always made me clean my room as a kid
b) I have children
c) I don’t want guests to see stains in the toilet…made from residual poo particles from a massive, earth-shattering, BM days earlier

As such, I have a disdain for things dusty or dirty.

So, armed with my toilet scrubber and Windex, I entered the kids’ bathroom (a.k.a., “The Room with the Germs”)

My kids are aged 4 (my son) and 7 (my daughter).

There are two problems with this combination:

1) My daughter believes that toothpaste must be applied to toothbrushes in pints
2) My son treats his penis like a fire hose, where everything EXCEPT the toilet is on fire

The first five minutes are spent scrubbing neon-pink toothpaste from the top of the sink.

Apparently, children’s toothpaste is made primarily from cement.

When you combine the fact that my kids squeeze toothpaste onto their toothbrushes like they were milking cows, I can see where the pasting goes awry.

What I DON’T understand, is how someone can drop a baseball-sized glop of toothpaste onto the counter…look at it….then walk away thinking, “yeah….that looks fine...RIGHT...THERE.”

I’m actually considering cancelling my pest-control for mice in my shed, and having my daughter just go in there with a tube of SpongeBob Colgate….there’s NO WAY those f*cking mice are getting out of that sh*t.

After I’m done chiseling off the toothpaste sculptures, I move on to the toilet.

Here, my son has gone to the trouble of helping me rinse off the plumbing fixtures with his urine:

1) There is pee on top of the toilet.
2) There is pee on the sides of the toilet.
3) There is pee on the wall.
4) There is pee in front of the toilet.

I see no pee actually INSIDE the toilet.

…however…there IS an Apple Jack in there.

I’m not clear as to why.

I no longer ask.

Anyway, he usually never tells us that he misses the toilet…

…except for one time where he came out of the bathroom after peeing on top of the toilet and the wall ABOVE it…yelling that “his pee came out like a volcano.”

Thanks, son.

So…approaching the toilet in my full hazmat-handling stance (legs wide…head back…arms outstretched), I give it a Windex hose-down.

I lift the lid…and give the lid and the top of the seat a spray…

…almost done…

...then…I lift the seat

Well...isn't that...um...


On the bottom of the seat:



A big, hard, glop of toothpaste on the BOTTOM of the toilet seat.

I cannot fully explain my confusion here...upon seeing this and, mind wandering, trying to fathom how the f*ck it actually got there.

Toothpaste….on the bottom of the seat…


I don’t even want to know.

I really don’t.


Anonymous said...

Kids and toothpaste are not, I repeat, ARE NOT a good combination!

My bathrooms would look like hell if it weren't for my obsession with bleach. After 1 or 2 pee sword fights between boys you can imagine the mess that is left behind.

As far as toothpaste under the toilet rim.Well I do believe that one should be turned over to Unsolved Mysteries. Hmmmmmm!

The Ponderer said...

I'm another male that cleans. No shame in it. This post forced me to add you to my list of blogs to read (and added to my page so other people know of it) I was sitting in the library receiving dirty looks and apparently my laugh is contagious because I had the whole school library laughing at one point. Maybe I'm crazy, or just have the contagious laugh... Either way, brilliant!

Anonymous said...

The more I learn about kids the better I like my dogs. No, really. Thanks for helping reinforce the lesson!

Elise said...

What is it with kids and toilets?! Toothpaste at least belongs in the bathroom.

My little nephew went through a phase of flushing food down the toilet. (I guess in some way he's cut out the middle man and decided to flush it straight away without bothering to eat it)

I frequently used to find squashed baked beans in the bathroom. His mum used to yell at him until she was blue in the face.

Anonymous said...

We have the same kids!
OMG,-Honey,..is that you??

-Actually, my husband is a neat freak (his mother made him clean his room too, as did the U.S.Marines) and since we've got TWO boys (who are now made to pee sitting down, due to the fact that we were getting tired of them whitewashing the walls in urine) and a girl, he constantly bitches the same things about our kids. -drives him nuts.

He LOVES your posts - I'm sure this one will be no different. :-)

Rahul said...

Ok, I'm back..what did I miss? I was staring at Scarlet Johanssen's boobs.

The Sports Mama said...

The best way I've found to cure my boys of missing the bowl?

Hand them the disinfectant wipes and make them clean it themselves.

When they trotted out the standard "but mo-om.... why can't you just do it?"

I reminded them that the same hands that would be used to clean up urine would also be used to make dinner. And how yummy would that be?

My teenager grabbed the wipes and got to work..... :)

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

HAHAHA! How TRUE! I once had a plumber friend who said he could always tell when a household had young boys by all the rusty plumbing fixtures. Eeeeew!

But have you ever found a carrot stuck in & plugging up your toilet??? I did. And I didn't want to know why either!

Hungry Mother said...

A little known fact about me is that I like to clean bathrooms and scrub toilets. I don't know why, but my wife takes full advantage of it. I think I would draw the line at your kids' bathroom though.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i've noticed kids spit at the faucet or other places on the vanity BESIDES the sink when brushing teeth. it's amazing. they could be brushing their teeth over a sink the size of the grand canyon and they would spit on their shoe.

Forrest Proper said...

If you ever do find out why the toothpaste is there, please don't tell us. Some things are better left mysteries.

abbagirl said...

i'm with missyb. this is a very good, um, lesson about kids.

as for that glob of toothpaste under the toilet seat . . . .

i don't wanna know, either!!

p.s. you have the greatest pics ever! i especially love your homemade ones -- hiLARious!

Michelle Hix said...

Whatever you do...don't buy your kids one those really powerful Oral B toothbrushes...all it does is increase the speed of the toothpaste as it flies around and around the bathroom before they actually get the thing in their mouth. By the time it does reach their mouth, there's certainly no toothpaste left on it.

Anonymous said...

Too freakin' funny man!

Being divorced and I only get my kids every other weekend, they usually have the house destroyed just in 3 days they're here so I sympathize with ya, really I do.

Toothpaste under the seat....hhmmm..

I'm not even gonna hazard a guess.

Malach the Merciless said...

I clean too, if I didn't my house would be the dump

for a different kind of girl said...

While mysterious and a bit terrifying, if beats the alternative of crap on the counter.

Sadly, I know this.

Em said...

I don't want to know either. . .toothpaste on the toilet. . .it's just not right.

Tawnya Shields said...

I have no words. I am just in a state of shock. Glad my kids are 13 and 23! See how bad they were? I had to have them 10 years apart. I think you just gave me a bad case of flashback. :o)~

Barbara said...

I don't have kids but I found this really funny. Strange things can end up in the toilet like my slipper. Sometimes it's best to keeps things a mystery like how the toothpaste ended up under the seat. Looks like I'll be adding you to my list of blogs. :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for letting me know what I'm in for. I'm hiring a maid like tomorrow.

I don't clean. My bloke does most of the cleaning but especially the bathroom cleaning. I don't want to get close to anything gross...

Ruby said...

oh my gosh!!! i cried until my mascara was all over my face and then I still couldnt stop laughing. Dude! your blog is freakin hillarious!!!!

Michelle said...

OMG! I have a 12 year old firehose (I mean son), will it ever stop! My husband used to clean but not so much anymore. In fact the cleaning dwindled about the time the firehose started...hmmm. The firehose and 8 year old daughter finger paint with toothpaste. We yell at them daily to clean it off the sink, the mirror, the doorknob, the towels, and yes...the toilet.

Anonymous said...

Oh good sweet Jesus. That first dirty toilet, next to the bluegreen tub with the dirty tile floor...I know that toilet. I know that bathroom. I've peed in that bathroom, on that toilet.

Mother of God, why.

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