The Shimmering Tootsie Roll | Mental Poo

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Shimmering Tootsie Roll

Santa and Rudy Guiliani almost cost me 2 Grand.

Those stinking BASTARDS.

Makes me want to become a Jewish Democrat just to spite them both.

But…let’s back up.

Last Sunday was my town’s “Holiday Parade.”

(..on a side note...God forbid you actually have the word “Christmas” when describing a parade that has F*CKING SANTA IN IT. Assholes.)

Anyway…our parade has the usual small town crap in it:

1) Floats made by the schools
2) Bands from our local high school and from surrounding towns
3) Rudy Guliani
4) Santa

This year, all the schools decided to go with “The Polar Express” theme for their floats.

This consisted of some schools wrapping up school buses in what appeared to be trash bags and duct tape, and putting a cardboard sign on the side that said “Polar Express.”


…oooooh….look out Macy’s…here we come!

The bands (a.k.a., “A big group of kids who can’t play sports”), as usual, all sucked.

I don’t think I heard a single note in tune.

It’s starting to lead me to believe that I’m going deaf…as every band can’t POSSIBLY be this horrible.

This is what I assume the practices look like:

Anyway... alma matter happened to be there.

This was horrifying, as my wife pointed out that every kid in that band looked like they were waiting for a Tsunami to strike, and had hiked up their pants to mid-shin.

Either these kids have horribly ill-fitting uniforms, or they all experienced teenage growth spurts immediately after the uniform measurements were taken.

It was like watching a giant red army of Pee Wee Hermans walk by…but instead of playing their skin flutes, they were destroying “Frosty the Snowman” with brass.

..back to the parade…

…so, the usual “Elks Club” jackasses go by (like I give a sh*t about our local chapter of elderly drunk people who wear hats), our Chamber of Commerce representatives (“oooh…look children! MORE people we don’t care about!”), and random people dressed in ill-fitting Christmas-themed outfits...

...(like the guy dressed as Rudolph, who wasn’t wearing gloves over his giant, hairy, hands…passing out Tootsie Rolls…while reeking of cigarettes and bourbon)…

This parade of bad music, old people, cardboard and scary clowns continues for two hours.

GOD…when is this going to END?!?!?

…then comes Rudy.

Apparently, Rudy Guiliani was the only person running for President who accepted an offer to march in the parade.

Mind you, I live in New Hampshire.

This means that at this time of year, with the inaugural Primary looming near, we get a glut of these assholes in the state.

Anyway, Rudy walked by shaking hands with everyone. Which means that if he walked by me, then he is probably dealing with a two-week hacking, phelgmy cough.

Dude. Helpful Tip: Mucinex…it works.

Since I still haven’t decided who I’m voting for, I’m now leaning towards Rudy as he was the only person there handing out stickers with his name on it.

…except for that Dance studio chick…

…so my vote is down to either Rudy, or Lisa from “The Azarian Dance Academy.”

Really. It’s a toss-up.

So, anyway, we packed up and went home as soon as Santa came by.

About 15 minutes after settling back in, my wife came down the stairs.

She was crying.

I lost an earring!

She lost an earring.

A diamond earring.

A BIG diamond earring.

At the parade.

…and she’s devastated.

She knows she lost it because as she bent over the sink to wash up, the BACKING promptly popped out, rattled around…

...and went down the drain.

I look at her, trying to console her.

“I’ll go back to where we were, and will take a look around.”

I say this knowing FULL WELL that that puppy is lost forever.

But…this is what husband’s do…

...we make a valiant effort to retrieve something that their wives treasure… an attempt to “get some” later on.

We’re caring and sensitive like that.

So I go.

As I pull into the parking area, I start scanning for the “RUDY” sign that we were sitting next to on the sidewalk, to try to gauge my bearings.

Well…well...looky that.

They already took the signs down.


I guesstimate where we were, and crouch down…trying to get a glimpse of a shiny diamond laying alone on the sidewalk.

Here’s the problem:

Apparently, sidewalk asphalt is made up of billions of particles of shiny, shimmering quartz. It was like looking across the ocean on a sunny day.

How the F*CK am I going to see a diamond?!?!?

I scooch forward three feet on my knees. I scan again.

More “Sea of Quartz” – nothing else.


“Wow,” I’m thinking….”This sidewalk sure is sparkly. SONOFABITCH!”

Is that it?!?


...Tootsie Roll.



I turn my head to the right.

Holy sh*t.

There it is.



It’s sitting there…in the sand….the diamond.

Sonofabitch…I really found it.

My wife was happy. Ecstatic.

I was happy as now did I NOT only lose half of a pair of earrings, but I was also now off the hook for REPLACING said half of a pair of earrings.


But it wasn’t easy…all that quartz on the sidewalk made it hard.

When Lisa becomes President, I’m going to ask her to change that.


Polgara said...

Similar thing recently when i lost one of the diamond earrings husband had bought me to wear on our wedding day. He was mortified that he knocked it off the mantelpiece and we couldnt find it.
We found it shortly after and i had the feeling he too was relieved he didnt have to replace it lol

Anonymous said...

Holy crap are you lucky!

Anonymous said...

Well hot damn! I bet you were good at the Where's Waldo books.

I may call on your assistance the next time I can't find the car keys.

Anonymous said...

so did you get some? after all that I would say you deserved a little action.

Diva said...

YOU ARE THE MAN! And I mean that. There are very few of your kind left. I was lucky enough to snare one just like you. He'd walk across flaming embers of POO to get me whatever was on the other side if I wanted it.

Again, YOU ARE THE MAN. Very impressive how you boys can and WILL save the day.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I bet you totally got banged that night! Good for you!!

Skryker said...


You so get a Good Hubby pat on the back for that one.

Karmic reward for enduring the lame parade maybe?

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

You're amazing! I lost a ring at a party a couple weekends ago; I'm heartbroken about it. :( I sure wish I had a hero like you to find it.

I bet your advent calendar is empty now.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Hope you got the $2,000 blow job to show her appreciation!

Lucky, you are!

The Sports Mama said...

Diamonds? From a husband??? WTF? Someone needs to tell mine about that little trick.... sheesh.

The Sports Mama said...

Diamonds? From a husband??? WTF? Someone needs to tell mine about that little trick.... sheesh.

Chickie said...

Whoa, way to go on finding it! Superglue that sucker to her ear.

mauniejames3 said...

NO WAY...I have lost earings it I have lost's so madning..I called a store one time to see if anyone had turned in a diamond bracelet...after the girl stopped laughing she asked me why I would want to have it on in the daytime...excuse me...I love my stuff and want to use it...hubby wouldn't ever go looking either...he would say...If you lose it you don't deserve it...a pox on him...

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i like the shriners. they have those little cars... but i'm always dissapointed there are never any midgets in the cars.

Rahul said...

Can I get some?

Jen said...

Crap, you think it's bad listening to the bands in the parade? Try *teaching* them. Gah. There's a reason I no longer teach band; I lost too much brain dripping out my ears.

Forrest Proper said...

What will Lisa give us if we vote for her?

Moooooog35 said...

Colonel: I'm hoping to get swing lessons or more Tootsie Rolls. Either will do.

On a side note, Blogger's been kicking out all of the comments - I've pulled moderation on them. Have at it...

On another side note, I've been wicked (Northeast, remember) such...Mr. Winky is not working at full capacity. As such, my Advent Calendar has about 9 bars to go.

Cindy Breninger said...

Another good one, as always! :) I am so glad about how it ended...I love diamonds and that would be like losing a child! hehe

billymac said...

holy crap, there is such a thing as a $2,000 blow-job? I better go check my online account.

Malach the Merciless said...

Your my fuggin hero, reminds of find my wifes engagement ring last week

Hungry Mother said...

What a great plot twist. I thought for sure you would find it in Rudy's jacket pocket like in "Trading Places." I know how you felt during the "lost" period. My wife lost her diamond from her engagement ring while shoveling snow. It was never found, not even in Rudy's jacket pocket.

Polgara said...

I actually read the post where you did the tag too! I must be cracking up lol

prin said...

That was lucky. :) Happened to me too- ex ripped the sapphire out of my ring at 5AM in a parking lot when it was still dark outside. We found it though. Yey for sparkliness. :D

You should buy her new diamonds anyway. She'd never see it coming and you'd probably almost maybe get some. :D

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