Be Ugly! Be a F*cking Doofus! Get Rich! | Mental Poo

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Be Ugly! Be a F*cking Doofus! Get Rich!


I’m not a retard, but I play one on TV.

How these people figured out how to make money, I have no idea.

(By the way, if you get the email of this feed, or don’t get pictures in my feeds…you’re gonna need ‘em for this post.)

I HATE watching commercials where someone with OBVIOUSLY less brain cells, looks and – in some cases – physical stamina than me is pitching their product.

They’re ugly.

They’re eye-rollingly-inane.

They do stupid, STUPID sh*t on their commercials.

And, yet…

...they make more money then I do.

LOTS MORE.

Thinking of this sh*t is why I sometimes cry myself to sleep.

The other times have to do with feelings of genitalia inadequacies.


…but I’ve gone off-topic…

..let’s get back...

#1: What about Bob?

I live in Southern New Hampshire.

(No...I don't own a cow, to answer your question)

In this area, there is a furniture chain named Bob’s Discount Furniture.

Now, if you were to meet Bob on the street…

...or engage him in a one-syllable word filled conversation, you’d come away with this feeling:

“That guy TOTALLY F*CKS GOATS.”

But he doesn’t.

Well…I don’t live near him, actually.

It’s possible that he DOES f*ck goats.


I honestly have no idea.

(No, I don't own goats, either)

…but I digress…

You see, Bob owns a chain of furniture stores.

He makes much more money than I do.

I know this…because I’ve bought furniture from him.

My money…

...went…

...to him.


Argh.

His commercials entail him yelling in true K-Mart Blue-Light announcement style:

Come on Down!

Here's one of his older commercials.



These days...he's much more energetic in his commercials...

At the taping:

Director: "Bob, imagine someone just FedEx'd you a female goat."

Bob: "Mmmm...hot furry goat ass. I'VE GOT MY MOTIVATION! Roll it!!"

Anyway...

His recent commercials include some incredibly annoying chick who is roughly the size of Mary-Kate Olsen.



I don't know if he's banging this chick...or if she's just in it for the money.

Maybe she puts on a goat outfit and calls him "Uncle Jessie."



I'm also not sure how it's possible...

...but she actually be MORE annoying than Bob himself.

Bob.

I hate looking at him.

I hate listening to him.



Come on down.

Yeah, I’d like to come down.

I’d like to come down and beat him about the head and neck…

…as I ask him why a guy who looks like he played a bit-part on “The Hills Have Eyes” can be more successful than a guy with an Architecture Degree and an uncompromising sense of humor.


Trailer-trash-looking-millionaire-ass.

Ugh.

Then, knowing me…

…I’ll probably end up buying a f*cking loveseat.

#2: Vaudeville in Japan (a.k.a., “Rodrille”)


A fairly new Toyota dealership has opened in Massachusetts.

I see their commercials EVERY morning as I’m brushing my teeth.

The commercials…

...DISTURB me.

(this takes a LOT)

As apparently, one of the owners moonlights as the Ringleader for the Barnum and Bailey Circus.

His moustache makes me want to be a magician.

His moustache makes me want to watch him do something evil so he can twist it and pull on it while leering into the camera.

His moustache makes me want to buy a car somewhere else.


I watch their commercials and think:

“Am I going to be buying a car from this guy….or watching him stick his head in a lion’s mouth?”

…then…

“I wonder if he’d let me touch it.”


The moustache, I mean.


Seriously.

Dude.

THE VAUDEVILLE DAYS ARE OVER.



I mean...

If you’re gonna have a moustache, at least make it a COOL moustache.

Like Earl’s.


Maybe…just MAYBE then I’d buy a car from you.

…or at least get you to autograph my porn from circa 1971.

Until then, you’d have better luck getting my business if you had a “Free Moustache Rides” shirt on…

…at least it would give me SOME reason to respect you.

Maybe Bob should grow one.

(he should really check with his goats, first, though)

…or maybe I should stick my face in a wood chipper…

...or get into a fight with Mike Tyson...

...so I look and sound like Billy Bob Thornton in “Sling Blade”


…and start doing commercials.

I’ll be rich.

...but I'm charging for the moustache rides.

12 comments:

AngryMan said...

Got a thing for the Olsen twins, do you?

Diva said...

Me thinks many folks who are rich, don't consider how they makes our ears bleed when their sick, twisted, sorry sad-ass, annoying, twitch inducing commercials come on. I hit the mute button.

BTW- I have a dollar's worth of nickels, but me thinks Mrs. Moooooog35 will totally put a stop to that get rich quick scheme pronto. As well she should.

Cheers!

tekfan33 said...

I can't stand that woman on the Bob's commercials! "Not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, but SIX! SIX rocker recliners to choose from." as a wee version of her appears on each and every rocker recliner.

I toally think he's banging her on the showroom beds.

Which grosses me out....because that's what I've bought there....

meleah rebeccah said...

I will never think of Goats the same way again...or anyone named Bob for that matter!!

Mike said...

I give mustache rides to a select few lucky ladies!

If that gives you bad visuals, please feel free not to mention you're auto fellatio via lumpy lefty!!! :P

Malicious Intent said...

All for the mustache rides! Bob may use photoshope, but poorly. Notice in your comparison shots, he is slightly wider on the bottom ad. Now I think this is false advertisement as he is making it appear he has a larger manhood that what he truley is blessed with. Or, he short changed himself the in the first ad. Yes, you guys look at boobs, us ladies look at crotches and butts.

All I can say is thank the Gods he does not live here. I would be forced to egg his establishement and that is not lady like. (As if wanting a ride on a moosetache is!)

Malach the Merciless said...

Bob rocks, he like a modern day Crazy Eddie. I have also bought furniture from him.

My favorite of his commercials are the one on EEI, where he asks you to come and work for him.

Also, in New Beige, the got the "Original" Bob's. It's like a flea market.

Hungry Mother said...

I don't watch commercials, everybody is richer than I am (including you), and I would love to do the Olsens a trois. BTW, hilarious post!

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

In addition to being HILARIOUS (& a little demented), you are also Cool AND Crazy! And there is something on my blog that says so....check it out!

Sara Sue said...

I won't bore you with my standard "Kill Your T.V.", but I've got $100 worth of nickels here.

Prin said...

AW, I missed the vids. :( They're dead now apparently. :D

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Why oh why did I watch those commercials? My eyes!!!!

Although, I wouldn't pass up a good mustache ride on one of those there cheap couches.....As long as it was from Uncle Jess and not Bob.

Related Posts with Thumbnails