My Jiggly Cucumber - a Movie Review

There was no vegetable penetration.

I was slightly disappointed.

But I digress….

Today, we get another Moog Movie Review. Actually, two (count ‘em, TWO) movie reviews in ONE post!

(I’m sure you wet yourself from the sheer excitement….I’ll go get you a tissue)

Today, I’ll be reviewing “The Veggie Tales Movie” and “Cloverfield”.

If you’re looking for Roger Ebert, you’ve come to the wrong place.

I’m guessing he’s at a buffet somewhere.


Here goes:

Title: The Veggie Tales Movie

Rated:
No idea on the rating.

I was paying more attention to the fact that it cost me $32 DOLLARS to see a f*cking movie with my two kids.

Who should go:
People with kids, or sick people who have cucumber fetishes.

Also, people who have a sh*tload of money and can afford to go to the f*cking theater, apparently.

Plot:
The plot involves something about pirates and time travel.

This was news to me...

...as the last movie I saw that had a zucchini in it was NOT a kid’s movie. Also, there was a banana in that movie, too...but I don't think that qualifies as a vegetable.

I was wondering why my wife wanted them to see this…

...I thought she was just really twisted.

Anyway…about the plot (since this was not a porn flick involving food as I had originally assumed):

I’m not really all that clear on the plot, as I’d never seen a Veggie Tales thing before.

I was concentrating more on the fact that the little round character-thing who talked in a Spanish accent was simply f*cking hilarious.

(I still don't know what that little round thing was. Was it a gourd? A squash? A testicle? Seriously - What the f*ck IS THAT THING?!)

Anyway...

Usually, I can’t understand accents AT ALL.

However, I zoned in using my “illegal immigrant protest” mode, and was able to eventually decipher what the talking scrotum was saying.


My kids enjoyed it…which, I suppose, is the main point.

They are NOT happy with the fact, though, that I raided their allowances so I could have beer money this week...

...after spending all my cash on a film that had a piece of talking asparagus in it.

Score: 3 out of 5 Mooge splats


Title: Cloverfield


Rated:
Again, I have no idea on the rating.

I’m damn near 40 and don’t have to pay attention to this sh*t.

Look in the f*cking paper for the rating you lazy prick – they put that sh*t in there.

Who Should Go:
Any man who wants their wife to be pissed at them for taking them to a movie that they’ll consider a waste of two hours of their life.

My wife still hasn't forgiven me.

Buddy, if you’re into “angry sex” and can get your wife to somehow forgive you for dragging her to this thing just long enough to get some, then this one’s for you.

Also, this movie is perfect for deaf, blind mutes.


Plot:
N/A

Yeah...good luck on the f*cking plot thing.

Actually, there is a small plot.

Here it is:

Indestructible camera with an infinite-charge battery survives a harrowing tale of a group of stupid f*cksh*ts running away from something while other stuff happens around them as the CAMERA KEEPS F*CKING JIGGLING OH MY GOD I’M GETTING A F*CKING HEADACHE…PUT THE CAMERA DOWN!!!


The best part of this movie is the end….

…when the lights come on and you get to hear your wife yell at you for convincing her to go see this drivel…

…meanwhile the rest of the theater YELLS out stuff like:

“WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT?!?”

...and...

“OH…MY…GOD….That was f*cking stupid.”


My second best part was leaving the theater where the guy who was sitting next to me in the movie (see “WTF” comment above) was passing the line of people waiting to get into the next showing.

SPOILER ALERT:

As he passed by them, he took the time to say:

“Don’t waste your time! Everybody dies!”

You could see the horror on everyone’s face in line.

Awesome.

Score (two separate scores):

Angry Sex-guy score: 4 out of 5 Mooge splats


Someone going to see a movie that had good ratings from other places for some strange f*cking reason: 1 out of 5 Mooge splats.



That's right.

If you're keeping score at home:

Monster: 0
Zucchini: 1

Give that Monster a Spanish accent, and these scores may well have been reversed.