My Jiggly Cucumber - a Movie Review | Mental Poo

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

My Jiggly Cucumber - a Movie Review


There was no vegetable penetration.

I was slightly disappointed.

But I digress….

Today, we get another Moog Movie Review. Actually, two (count ‘em, TWO) movie reviews in ONE post!

(I’m sure you wet yourself from the sheer excitement….I’ll go get you a tissue)

Today, I’ll be reviewing “The Veggie Tales Movie” and “Cloverfield”.

If you’re looking for Roger Ebert, you’ve come to the wrong place.

I’m guessing he’s at a buffet somewhere.


Here goes:

Title: The Veggie Tales Movie

Rated:
No idea on the rating.

I was paying more attention to the fact that it cost me $32 DOLLARS to see a f*cking movie with my two kids.

Who should go:
People with kids, or sick people who have cucumber fetishes.

Also, people who have a sh*tload of money and can afford to go to the f*cking theater, apparently.

Plot:
The plot involves something about pirates and time travel.

This was news to me...

...as the last movie I saw that had a zucchini in it was NOT a kid’s movie. Also, there was a banana in that movie, too...but I don't think that qualifies as a vegetable.

I was wondering why my wife wanted them to see this…

...I thought she was just really twisted.

Anyway…about the plot (since this was not a porn flick involving food as I had originally assumed):

I’m not really all that clear on the plot, as I’d never seen a Veggie Tales thing before.

I was concentrating more on the fact that the little round character-thing who talked in a Spanish accent was simply f*cking hilarious.

(I still don't know what that little round thing was. Was it a gourd? A squash? A testicle? Seriously - What the f*ck IS THAT THING?!)

Anyway...

Usually, I can’t understand accents AT ALL.

However, I zoned in using my “illegal immigrant protest” mode, and was able to eventually decipher what the talking scrotum was saying.


My kids enjoyed it…which, I suppose, is the main point.

They are NOT happy with the fact, though, that I raided their allowances so I could have beer money this week...

...after spending all my cash on a film that had a piece of talking asparagus in it.

Score: 3 out of 5 Mooge splats



Title: Cloverfield


Rated:
Again, I have no idea on the rating.

I’m damn near 40 and don’t have to pay attention to this sh*t.

Look in the f*cking paper for the rating you lazy prick – they put that sh*t in there.

Who Should Go:
Any man who wants their wife to be pissed at them for taking them to a movie that they’ll consider a waste of two hours of their life.

My wife still hasn't forgiven me.

Buddy, if you’re into “angry sex” and can get your wife to somehow forgive you for dragging her to this thing just long enough to get some, then this one’s for you.

Also, this movie is perfect for deaf, blind mutes.


Plot:
N/A

Yeah...good luck on the f*cking plot thing.

Actually, there is a small plot.

Here it is:

Indestructible camera with an infinite-charge battery survives a harrowing tale of a group of stupid f*cksh*ts running away from something while other stuff happens around them as the CAMERA KEEPS F*CKING JIGGLING OH MY GOD I’M GETTING A F*CKING HEADACHE…PUT THE CAMERA DOWN!!!


The best part of this movie is the end….

…when the lights come on and you get to hear your wife yell at you for convincing her to go see this drivel…

…meanwhile the rest of the theater YELLS out stuff like:

WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT?!?

...and...

OH…MY…GOD….That was f*cking stupid.


My second best part was leaving the theater where the guy who was sitting next to me in the movie (see “WTF” comment above) was passing the line of people waiting to get into the next showing.

SPOILER ALERT:

As he passed by them, he took the time to say:

Don’t waste your time! Everybody dies!

You could see the horror on everyone’s face in line.

Awesome.

Score (two separate scores):

Angry Sex-guy score: 4 out of 5 Mooge splats


Someone going to see a movie that had good ratings from other places for some strange f*cking reason: 1 out of 5 Mooge splats.



That's right.

If you're keeping score at home:

Monster: 0
Zucchini: 1


Give that Monster a Spanish accent, and these scores may well have been reversed.

24 comments:

Elise said...

Thanks for putting me off both movies!

I might check out the zucchini with my nephew... 3/5 isn't bad and with Orange Wednesday I can get 2 tickets for the price of one

xx

Mimzie said...

I like angry sex. Wait, that isn't what this post is about, is it?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

she probably ate roger eberts thumb.

i liked cloverfield, but then i went in with a full flask of ketel one. my friend that i went with wouldnt stop bitching, but that's because he was a pussy and kept going on about how it made him sick.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I was just wondering if the toy store sells the cucumber character with batteries?

Chickie said...

Ha! I love what the guy sitting next to you did! Maybe he saved some unfortunate souls from losing 2 hours of their lives.

C.Rag said...

Zucchini or cucumber...which one works better?

Kimmylyn said...

Note to self.. find a Zucchini with a spanish accent..

meleah rebeccah said...

two movies I will be SURE to avoid

Mike said...

I liked cloverfield. I thought it was a blair witch project that didn't completely suck!

Buzzardbilly said...

You've just saved me some money!! Yay, Mooog. Truth be told, Cloverfield really didn't even earn the one splat did it? That's just your daily splat you had to get rid of anyway, isn't it?

So totally skipping the Blair Witch Apocalyptic Monster With Shakey Camera Eyes That You Never Get To See Project.

It's a public service you're doing here.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

"I'm not a pickle, I'm a zucchini!" By far the best line ever. I didn't "discover" VT until Chriostian schooling. I've missed so much!

The boy thought Cloverfield was okay. He go more entertainment watching his friend throw up on his way out of the theater though.

I don't watch scary movies. Ever.

billymac said...

I thought cloverfield was ok, then again, I liked Miami Vice in the eighth grade…

Slick said...

Wait....

Let me get this straight...you went to see a movie involving vegetables without any nude scenes?

WTF man?!

Kids or not, I'm somewhat disappointed.

But alas, you dragged your wife to a movie that was a total waste of time?

You're forgiven :)

Buzzardbilly said...

Ahem. Rodney, I just read your comment on Malach's blog. I so did not go cyber strap-on on you.

mauniejames said...

Your a really good Dad...not such a great hubby but only a really good Dad takes his kids to a veggie tales movie...I read the reviews on Cloverfield and I couldn't m,ake up my mind...you did it for me..thanks..

Your a really good hubby too..you had your boys altered just for the litle women...cool

Joseph said...

Hollywood is the best cure for sleep related illnesses. I've had some of my best yawns ever when it comes to big budget Hollywood productions. Good times.

Malach the Merciless said...

I believe there is money in a movie about Giant Vegetables attacking NYC.

Hungry Mother said...

Since I'm a vegetarian, I tugged one off over your review of the veggie movie.

random moments said...

Aw come on it wasn't that bad. I mean, once you get past the whole invincible camera and the ridicuous looking monster, then its not....that....bad. Eh hmm.

So glad I'm not the only one who was like "Shut the fuck up! That dude just got eaten and his camera survived?!?!"

Michelle Hix said...

I think your review was better than going to the movies...I'll stick with that. I even popped some popcorn before reading it. I feel really satisfied now. And it was all free.

Mee mOe said...

your silly...such great humor, gotta love it !!!

Diva said...

I would like you to see "Shoot 'em Up". I will go so far as to tell you, your wife will yell at you for wasting your time...just as I yelled at Big T... that's what makes me the wife.

In addition, I would like you to get past the part in the stairwell and tell me how the movie ends as I could not take anymore and walked away. That's right... walked away.

I would love your review on this C- rated flick.

Titania Starlight said...

Those were the best movie reviews I have ever read.I hope there will be more in the future.

Biscuit said...

I'm into angry sex. I'm going to convince my husband that going to see this movie is his idea, and then act all pissy when it's over.

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