The Stigma of Pine Poo | Mental Poo

Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Stigma of Pine Poo


I don’t want my kids to get old.

Not because I’m overly sentimental, or some bullsh*t like that…

…but because they say funny crap when they’re small and don’t know any better.

Kids are so stupid.

Today's Story: Hillary Clinton has Pine Poo

The day before the Presidential Primary here in New Hampshire, the four of us (Mrs. Moog, daughter Moog, little-boy Moog and myself) were out in the front of my house making a snowman.


For those of you in Arizona, a “snowman” is the equivalent of a pile of pet rocks…

…except it’s made of snow

(the equivalent of snow in Arizona is “sand...”)


…has buttons...

(the equivalent of buttons in Arizona is “nipples” – as I can’t imagine ANYONE wearing a f*cking button-down shirt when it’s 110 degrees outside.

You are seriously completely f*cked in the head if you live in that sh*t)…


…and carrots...

(the equivalent of carrots in Arizona is “carrots”)…


The only hat we found was some weird felt top hat with the stars and stripes on it.

I’m guessing this hat is left over from one of Ron Paul’s supporters who woke up one morning...

(and, realizing that everything he was doing with his pitiful existence was a complete and utter bullsh*t sham...plugging for some guy that 1% of the population knew)

...and threw his "free with any breakfast platter" party hat into the wind...

...as he drove off to give Condolezza Rice a sexually transmitted disease…


(Later that evening...in Condolezza Rice's sex-dungeon):


Ron Paul Supporter: "How you like that, Condi?! Huh?! HUH?!?"

(Condi cannot respond due to ball-gag in mouth)


Ron Paul Supporter: "How do you like my weapon of ass destruction?!?"


But I digress…

Anyway…

...the hat went on.

During her effort to find buttons and other crap to put on the snowman, my wife also found three pine cones that she used in our holiday wreaths.

She immediately put two of these pine cones on the snowman’s chest…

*ploink*

*ploink*


…immediately transforming it into a "snow whore".

(the equivalent of a “snow whore” in Arizona is “lady who lives in Phoenix”)


Then my wife said:

Wife: “Look…it’s Hillary Clinton.”

Awesome.

(I briefly considered making a "snow Bill Clinton" getting his carrot serviced by a "snow Monica Lewinsky" while a "snow Gennifer Flowers" - who was feeling"snow spurned" - took pictures for the Enquirer)

It DID look quite patriotic….with the hat and all…

…but it didn’t look quite like Hillary.

Me: “It needs snow-cankles.”

Realizing that we didn’t have enough snow in the front yard to actually create the equivalent of Hillary’s cankles (we only had two feet of snow on the ground), my wife removed the pine cones…


…but then…she deftly

…placed one of the cones right in the middle of the snowman’s bum.

*ploink*

Wife: “There. He has a snow hemorrhoid.”

She’s awesome.

A snow man with an affliction of his snow-anus.

Me: “Actually, I think it’s more like Pine-Poo.”

It’s at this time, that my kids (who were probably playing out in traffic while my wife and I neglected them as we crafted our snow whore) finally piped up upon hearing the key word, “poo”:

(my kids have a built-in hearing mechanism for the following words: "toys", "TV", "SpongeBob", "Chuck E. Cheese", "poo," and - unfortunately - "f*ck" and "sh*t")


Son: “What’s Pine Poo?”


What is Pine Poo.

Damn good question, son.

All I could do was point.

Me: THAT’S Pine-Poo.”

Son: “Oh.”

Kids are easy.

I’m glad he didn’t ask what a hemorrhoid was…

..or what the snowgirl I was building was doing to the snowman's carrot...

..and his snowballs.

21 comments:

mauniejames said...

Oh No!!! You have turned your wonderful wife..she is no longer the voice of reason...well as long as you two kids have fun...but don't forget the "real" kids...maybe you could help them make murdered snowmen..snow women
or snow kids...cold up there huh?

C.Rag said...

If you let them eat paint chips, then they will always ask & accept stupid questions & answers.

Mike said...

.... also, if you continue to let them play in traffic they will most likely ask and accept stupid questions and answers. And most likely drool a lot.

cookiebitch said...

I feel like this is really a romantic story - about how you and your wife are so meant for each other.

At my house, we make the boy play in traffic while we have sex. So you're still ahead of me for "parent of the year."

Midleah said...

Over the span of 10 minutes this morning, my 6-year-old son

1) used air quotes at me, and

2) randomly decided to explain to me the (correct) definition of "hustling"



Precious moments. I has 'em.

Casdok said...

Kids just say the cutest things
As my son dosnt speak its lovely hearing what other kids say!

billymac said...

H-dog probably drops her pine poo directly into bill's mouth.. that's just how they roll...

justmylife said...

LOL! I don"t know, but my 18 year old still excepts "stupid" answers. Of course he is a little Redneck. Love the story of the snowman/snowwoman and all of the possible snow people.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Next time build a snow fort so your snowpeople can have some privacy.

Oh and the snowwhore should have had slime or something oozing from her crotchal region. Just a thought.

Buzzardbilly said...

Awww. Who doesn't love a story about true love?

Mee mOe said...

I'm so glad I subscribed to your blog, you make me laugh, your so humorous...thanks for making my day !!!

moooooog35 said...

PrePo: Snowfort is a great idea.

However, in this case, it would be a "Snow Cathouse" or "Snow 'House in the Hamptons'".

If I had a snow Monica Lewinsky, I could have a "Snow Humidor."

meleah rebeccah said...

those are the greatest snowmen/ladies/rocks/celebrities EVER.

Hungry Mother said...

I almost miss snow. I have to make my snow Clintons out of coral and palm fronds. The best I can do is put a coconut sticking out of her ass.

Malach the Merciless said...

The pain of the pinecone hemmarrhoid . . .

HeyJoe said...

If you're going to give the snowman a snow hemmie, you must also provide a snow proctologist to lance the bitch.

Cold+Hemmie= great discomfort. Show some compassion.

Titania Starlight said...

You and Mrs Moog are just so damn creative. Imagine the untapped creativity of your children as they get older! Watch out! :o)~

Nosjunkie said...

I fail to see how the kids are the stulpid ones here

moooooog35 said...

Nosjunkie: You're right...maybe they're not stupid. Gullible? Easy?

..no...no...I'm sticking with stupid.

And, honestly, it doesn't really matter...

By the way, you misspelled "stupid."

Lori said...

Ok, I seriously need to know what your 'day job' is...cause you can spin a tail like no other...and then you create pics to go with them. lol

Dr Zibbs said...

Very nice - very poopy

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