Dear Moog: Urine Ass | Mental Poo

Monday, September 29, 2008

Dear Moog: Urine Ass

It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where good questions breed good advice.

Neither of which can be found here.

I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.

Today's letter comes from "Jacob."

Jacob writes:

Dear Moog,

Like yourself, I take about an hour each day for some one-on-one time with the toilet.

My body seems to be on a pretty good schedule, and I thought all was well.

That is until this morning when I thought I was the first to go.

Turns out, some jack-wad pissed all over the seat, and in my tired stupor, I sat right in it.

Any ideas on how I can hunt this guy down ?

-Pissed in Buffalo

Dear Pissed:

You stupid, stupid f*ckshit.

First off, let me tell you that the only TRUE way to determine if you’re the first person on the shitter is the presence, or lack thereof, of BWB.

Go can read it. I'll wait.

However, let’s assume that you’re just a friggin’ moron and don’t bother to look for ANY of the following before you sit on a toilet:

1) Piss
2) Shit
3) Hairs
4) Hairs with shit on them
5) Shit with hairs in them
6) Another man

As such, you sat in another person’s piss.

Jesus H. Christ.

I simply can’t get past the fact that you’re an idiot.

But let’s move on.

There’s a song here that we can use by a famous slash-metal band. Let’s take a look at the lyrics:

Stop at the light
Look both ways
Look both ways again.
Wait for the traffic
To come to a stop
Then cross the road with a friend.


That band is, of course, “The Wiggles.”

We can modify this song to something that you can easily remember the next time you go to drop a deuce.

Stop at the john
Look down for piss
Look down for shit as well.
For the love of all that’s holy
Don’t sit in that stuff and move to a different toilet
You stupid, stupid f*ckshit.

The rhyming is a little more cutting edge here, but I think it will catch on with the local radio stations.

Listen – forget about tracking this guy down after the fact. It’s too late for that unless you’ve let it all dry on your ass and can undergo some sort of DNA testing.

However, if you see this happen again, you can do the following:

1) Dab it up with some toilet paper
2) Go around your office and rub said paper on everyone’s keyboard
3) Wait a week

The person in your office who doesn’t get a cold, syphilis, genital warts or ebola is your culprit.

At this point, violence is not only required, but prudent.

Good luck!

You stupid, stupid bastard.

There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.


Narm said...

Now I have an excuse for when I rub pee-paper on co-workers keyboards!

Hungry Mother said...

I thought maybe the first question the guy needed to answer was: "Am I at home or the office?" If he's at home, he probably knows who did the deed.

LBluca77 said...

I thought slipping on poo at work was bad. Jeez!

Knight said...

A good rule of thumb would be to check any surface you are about to place your bare ass on before sitting. Then again, maybe this guy is blind. If this is the case, you might want to carry seat covers.

Anonymous said...

Cop a squat. Don't sit. That's just icky.

Mike said...

what a stupid, stupid fuckshit.

I like that.

stupid, stupid fuckshit.

I'm using that.

Anonymous said...

Truly spirited advice to those of soaked poopers. Another clue may be to look for "autographs", ie: poop marks drawingthier swilrly patterns on the way down. true artwork, but a clue....

Moooooog35 said...

Narm: You're welcome.

Hungry: I'm taking a wild stab here that he was at work. Although, to be honest...I have no idea.

I don't pay much attention.

lbluca: Um. It is.

Knight: This is why I wear Depends 24x7 - I don't have to worry about this shit. Literally.

Catscratch: Thanks for the visual.

Doggy: (see catscratch comment...then double it)

Mike: Patent Pending, buddy. I need royalties.

Jen: Build...a nest? Who wants to poo in a nest?

Oscar: Thank you for the comment. How's Felix?

C.Watson: No offense...but I thought you were a guy. If so, that makes your comment really really creepy.

Rahul said...

If the Wiggles actually wrote that song I woudl listen to them.

Actually I listen to them anway.

AngryMan said...

I couldn't get through your description of what to look through on the toilet. Granted, I make the same check every morning, but I don't want to read about it.

Anonymous said...

Geeeezus Mooog, this guy failed the first law of public shitting.


It's written on the very first page!

Malach the Merciless said...

Hey forgot to mention he tried to sit down at a urinal

Anonymous said...

"Jesus H. Christ.

I simply can’t get past the fact that you’re an idiot."

You are sofa king funny when you talk to people like that....

BTW; I only do 'The Stance' in any bathroom.

blaine_fridley said...

tally another vote for "fuckshit". who barebacks a public toilet?? dude had it coming.

here's a somewhat related link. it's a multi-part study i'm doing on bathrooms in the workplace:

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