Kojak'ing Off - a Retrospective | Mental Poo

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Kojak'ing Off - a Retrospective

Well...it's because he asked.

The other day, Narm from "White Collar Redneck" asked - in a comment - to hear more about why I shave my balls.


Narm is a man.

Narm is a man who wants to read about another man's pube-free nether-region.

Narm may not actually be a guy.

If he is, he may be THIS guy:

That said, this blog is roughly a year old.

My first nut-shaving post appeared on September 17, 2007.

At the time, I believe I had three readers.

For clarification, I'm including myself in there twice.

So - for all of you who missed it, here is my manscaping post gloriously reposted in High Definition and Surround Sound (Dolby tm).

It has no pictures, so this actually doesn't mean jack shit.

I hadn't discovered the joys of mixing "Google Images," "Microsoft Paint" and "f*cked up imagination" as of yet.



I shaved my nutsack today.

Yep, you read it right.

I shaved my nutsack.

Smooth like a baby’s bum. Except, instead of a bum, it’s a cock and balls.

Now, I know I’m getting three separate reactions out there upon reading this:

1) Guys with hairy junk: WTF, DUDE?!? What’s wrong with you?!?”
2) Guys with smooth junk: “Nice, eh?”
3) Girls: “Have sex with me!”

I can totally understand all three reactions.

The reason I can understand this is because prior to having "smunk" (smooth junk), I had "hunk" (hairy junk), and was proud of it.

Seeing how long you could stretch out one of those short curlies was akin to the people who grow their fingernails to outrageous lengths….I mean, how long can these things grow?

Feet? Yards?

Let’s set a record!

What made hunkage all the more appealing was that these tiny little hairs, all curled up in a ¼ inch bunch, would stretch out to 15 times their normal length…then bounce right back like a slinky to their original shape.

(DISCLAIMER: Kids – do NOT try to walk down stairs, alone or in pairs, using your pubes)

What a wonder of modern science!

All of this growth occurs naturally….no primping, no polishing (well, okay, some polishing), no Miracle-Gro, nothing.

It’s like a chia-pet, except you don’t have to add water.

Plus, with hunkage, you always had that extra bounce factor when having sex…that extra little cushioning that would prevent your actual junk from undo structural or aesthetic damage during the repetition of being beaten, slammed, yanked or pulled…either manually, or with someone.

Think of your pubes as air bags for balls.

I’ve often entertained the idea of going pube-free, but never went through with it.

I’m not completely sure, but it was either the idea of actually taking the full head-on leap into metro-sexuality, or the fear of putting a razor near my dink, that kept me from doing it.

But then came the decision to have a vasectomy, and it made up my mind for me.

Last thought as a side note...the word 'nutsack' kept coming up wrong in my Spellchecker.

Am I the only guy who says this?

Friggin' Word...get with the program.


Mike said...

That picture of richard simmons just put me off my breakfast.

Which is fine, i can stand to lose a few pounds.

Thanks moooooog.

Narm said...

That picture would be dead on except I hate vegetables.

Welcome to the dark side...or the light side? Smunk is the cat's meow. The only problem is if you don't keep up with grooming you end up with a pin cushion between your legs - which makes you walk like you just shared a jail cell with Kimbo Slice.

Jen said...

My husband manscapes. It's much nicer for females to have a guy clean.

That Richard Simmons photo burned my retinas so I hope my comment isn't typed wrong.

Knight said...

When it starts to grow back it will be all scratchy like a 5oclock nutshadow but on the bright side, shaving gets rid of all the bugs you might have been housing.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

I'm a girl...I think...anyway, I find nothing attractive about shaved balls. I don't find it nicer. And no, I don't chew on any pubes if you know what I mean. Couple run throughs with your fingers and strays aren't a problem. It's hair, it's not the apocalypse.

I find body hair on a man a sensual experience on my soft, supple, aching, throbbing, moist, girl parts.

Now, I'm craving salad....

Practically Joe said...

Moooooog ... I have to tell ya ... until now ... I never entertained the thought of mowing my own lawn ... but ... you truly move me each and every time I read your posts. I'm gonna do it! And I'm gonna do it right! I just need to set up an appointment for my vasectomy.

Kellie said...

My hubs shaves his as well and I like it. He's always done it ever since we've been together, his belief is that if he wants/expects a woman to keep things trimmed up then he should too. I couldn't agree more. My ex didn't manscape and it was a jungle down there. A jungle that I didn't really feel like exploring all that much. Just too many curly-q pubes for my liking.

Christina_the_wench said...

I prefer my men to have hair. On their balls, on their head and on their chest. I've been known to glue it on if they differ, but that's for a different post.

Anonymous said...

manscaping is awesome. your female response to the hairless ball factor is dead on accurate!

That picture of richard simmons is far more disturbing than anything else I have ever read on this blog.

LBluca77 said...

I break for shaved balls.

Moooooog35 said...

Mike: What? You don't want a carrot?

Narm: Coincidentally, my razor is named "Kimbo Slice."

Jen: They've always said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Men have learned that the way to a woman's heart is through the vagina, and take a hard left at the kidneys.

I have no idea what that has to do with anything.

Knight: I always know when it's time to groom because it feels like I have a chinchilla running around down there.

Becky: You might want to get some type of ointment for your parts if they're aching and throbbing that bad.

PracJoe: Beware the needle, my friend. Beware the needle.

Kellie: I now know way more about your husband and ex than I ever wanted to. Thanks for that. Actually, not really.

Christina: That explains the wads of chewing gum on your husband's winky.

Meleah: I agree. Sometimes, I make characters like Disney does with their shrubbery. Look, honey! It's Goofy!

lbluca: You need to go to cafepress.com and sell that as a bumper sticker RIGHT NOW. I'll take 10%. Thanks in advance.

Christina_the_wench said...

He wouldn't let me use the Gorilla glue. Wuss.

Rahul said...

Even Richard Simmons thinks Narm's question is gay.

prin said...

Narm is right for asking. Men should totally share this kind of information so that us women don't have to keep repeating ourselves.

I mean, if you'd talk amongst yourselves about things other than sports and crap, we wouldn't have to spend so much time training you. And then we'd have time for other things... if you know what I mean*.


Malicious Intent said...

MMMMM, Richard Simmons Chef Salad. Yum.

For some reason I have this very strong urge to cough up, wait..puke up a fur ball. Damn dude...keep your digits to yourself!

Tiffy said...

First off, I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth seeing the Richard Simmons Chef Salad..

Second, it's always great when a manscapes.

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