Dear Moog: The Scarlett Letter | Mental Poo

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Dear Moog: The Scarlett Letter


It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where the "peanut butter on penis" trick REALLY DOES work with dogs.

This has nothing to do with giving advice.

I'm just throwing it out there.

**********************
Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.
***********************

Today's letter comes from "Lilo," over at The Mean Girls' Guide to Glory.

It reads:

Dear Moog,

I have been surprised to see that you have NOT acknowledged a certain secret wedding that went on this last weekend.

Scarlett Reynolds...... Kind of has a nice ring to it.

Have you blocked this traumatic even from your mind?

Are you seeking professional counseling?

What advice do you have for others who may be dealing with this type of situation?

You know...when the person you obsessively stalk gets hitched to some douche bag and doesn't even invite you.


I'm concerned for you health.

Lilo


****************************
Dear Lilo,

How's Stitch? Is he still a cranky little rascal?

Tell him I said 'hi.'

That crazy Stitch.


Also - thanks for the letter!

You.

Bitch.

Ugh.

How do I feel?!?

I feel hurt.

Betrayed.

Incarcerated.

I know the latter is not technically a "feeling"...

... but it pretty much describes my state since I was "caught" on the "premises of the wedding" with my "penis" in one hand and a "large explosive device engraved with Ryan Reynold's name on it" in the other.

(Helpful reader tip: if you re-read the above sentence while making "air quotes" with your fingers, you really get the full effect)



You know...I've decided:

I'm NOT going to address this at all.

I don't think it's worthy of comment other than:

WHY, SCARLETT?!? WHYYYYY?!?


But that's it.

My parole officer thinks it best I lay low for a while.

Which is pretty much what I WAS doing in the "bushes" on "private property" before being "arrested" for "indecent exposure" and "lewd and lascivious behavior."

I'm fighting the "domestic terrorism" charge, though.

Seriously - Ryan Reynolds should be fair game.

Moog out.

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There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.


Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.

17 comments:

Mike said...

If it makes you feel any better, Sarah Silverman is dating Jimmy Kimmel again.

Yes, my celebrity stalking crush is dating an even bigger douchebag than yours.

AngryMan said...

I talked to my wife and convinced her not to press charges. You'll be fine.

AngryGinger said...

Just wanted to let you know that my penis is already bigger than yours.

moooooog35 said...

Mike: Actually...that doesn't make me feel any different. Thanks for playing, though.

Angryman: Thanks...I was about to call that lawyer guy from the TV commercials. He has big hair.

AngryGinger: You can drop the penis thing. Listen, if you're a guy and your name is "Ginger," you've got bigger problems than I do.

Narm said...

I'm not so sure he being married changes your relationship that much. Does the ring on her finger REALLY effect you sitting on your couch watching Lost In Translation at 3am with a towel and a bottle of lotion?

Hungry Mother said...

The Presidential debates and the crashing economy keep distracting me from my laments about losing Scarlett.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Poor, poor Mooog. It would not have worked out between you two anyway. She's too pretty for you. Kathy Bates,now that's more your speed my freind.

Christina_the_wench said...

How does narm know what you do at 3am? Random thought. Sorry.

LBluca77 said...

I don't get the Scarlett thing. She looks like a MAN!!!!!

The Alleged Ringleader said...

Lilo is definitely an alien banging whore, I know her lol.

I can't believe Scarlet married that douchebag!

rs27 said...

I need to become Canadian. Thats the only way to explain this.

HeyJoe said...

Don't worry Moog, she's too young and he's a tool. Your chance will come.

Right after I bang her that is, you bastard. Keep your grubby mitts OFF my woman.

Sorry. You have my sympathies.

acute_disaster said...

Lol.

You're the second person I've seen here on Blogger that is de-hearted (Yes, I made that up) since Scarlett and Reynolds are hitched.

It'll be fine, I give 'em three months. Or. . . maybe a year.

Oh, and I'm following your blog, it's too damn good.
;]

-acute_disaster

Malach the Merciless said...

I give them 2 years, you can sloppy seconds

dana wyzard said...

I'm still having visual images of a dog + peanut butter + penis.....and then I think of CRUNCHY peanut butter.....

I would imagine that putting milk on a penis, and walking up to a hungry calf would be nirvana.

But then again, I'm a female.....

meleah rebeccah said...

I think they are a cute couple. But don't worry. It wont last too long.

Maybe Scarlett has a thing for little people in orange jumpsuits?

Greeneyezz said...

Ahhhh, many a heart has been broken because of her marriage!

Not to fret, it probably won't last too long. :)

btw - I've added you to my blogroll. You're twisted.
I like that! :)

~ZZ

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