The First Rule of Date Night | Mental Poo

Monday, October 13, 2008

The First Rule of Date Night

Today, we begin a three-part series to view one of the rarest of events:


Rare, I tell ya.

Like watching Rachael Ray and NOT wanting to put your skull through the f*cking television.


THAT rare.

Let's start Part 1....

A truly romantic evening always begins with a fistfight.

Or almost.

Mrs. Moog and I had an opportunity a while back to head to Boston.

We’d gotten a Visa gift-card and some Boston Bruins tickets for Christmas.

------ (Begin Public Service Announcement)------

For those who don’t know, the Bruins are a hockey team here in Boston.

Hockey, for those who don’t know, is a physical game played on ice.

Ice, for those who don’t know, is frozen water.

Water, for those who don’t know, is essential to life.

If you actually don’t know this, you need to stop reading and GO GET SOME WATER NOW…or you’re going to die.

This would also explain your headaches, lack of urine, and hallucinations of a threesome with Rosie O’Donnell and David Hasselhoff.

------(End of Public Service Announcement)

The gift card was to supposed to be for us to have a nice dinner out.

Normally, I sped Visa gift-cards on balloon animals and lube, but whatever.

So, we headed to Boston, where we began our “date night.”

Rule #1: The Subway sucks

So, we embarked on our journey, which includes taking the subway straight into Boston.

Driving your car to Boston is an effort in patience, skill, and deft bowel control.

Since I don’t have any of those things, we took the subway.

We’re sitting there waiting to leave when we hear the subway announcer come over the speakers:

Driver:shquirkel flemmff shnark thwaarsh unngh car

Apparently, either the speakers are not working properly, or the driver is related to Charlie Brown’s teacher.

We overhear the scary homeless guy wearing shorts and a ski cap across from us talking to himself about another car disabled on the track.



Just like a teenager's period, I don't like being late.

And we’re going to be late.

Subways suck almost as much as Tila Tequila faced with a giant bowl of penis-clitoris flavored jello (patent pending).

I hate delays.

I hate them almost as much as wanting to read one of these newspapers lying around here...

..but they're all in f*cking Chinese writing. HOW DO PEOPLE READ THIS SHIT?!?


They're probably Chinese.


The delay will probably make us late.

To protest this point, I lose patience and make a bowel movement on the subway.

I consider this a public service...

...since this also gives the homeless guy someone to talk to.

I can be helpful like that.

Next episode:

Date Night Rule #2: You Can't Eat without a Fight


Christina_the_wench said...

Hockey! Yeah you!
Bowel Movement! Not so much!

Homeless guy probably didn't even notice and you wasted the effect.

Anonymous said...

Thank God I live where cars and parking places are abundant. Well, not abundant, but ...... if I had to go anywhere by using a subway I'd just stay home. Someone might steal my gun.

Narm said...

Dude - rule #1 about date night - YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT DATE NIGHT

Moooooog35 said...

Christina: Too late on the BM thing...and I'm NOT going back to scoop it up.

Dana: Boston is NOT a place where cars and parking places are abundant...unless you count people doing mime as cars or parking lots.

Stupid mimes.

Narm: Hence the awesome awesomeness of the Fight Club picture at the top. Ah, shit...I'm not supposed to talk about Fight Club, either. I'm now 0 for 2 for those of you keeping score at home.

Unknown said...

Go Red Wings!!!!

Now that we got that out of the way...yeah the subway can be a scary place. Chicago has a lovely one, it only smells like urine on Tuesday.

I dunno why.

Anonymous said...

I think you just solved my mid-life crisis with your explanation of water.

Thanks for that.

LBluca77 said...

I hope you are staying in Boston today to watch the Red Sox as part of your date night.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

You guys have a subway! Wooo! My town has one stoplight and not another one for 120 miles. How cosmopolitan you people are!

But then, you were taking the subway to watch hockey...cosmo points lost.

Rahul said...

I guess this is the spot I should say something nice about Boston..

um, there's that one nice park.

fiona said...

"make a bowel movement on the subway"
As in bare ass over the track?
Wow your balance must be afrigginmazing...I'm impressed.

Baba Doodlius said...

Bruins, eh? Sorry to hear that. Shoulda kept Joe Thornton. Are they retarded?

Anonymous said...

Yeah. You are really 'helpful' like that.

AngryMan said...

I'd say that the night could only get better, but, well, I know you.

Mike said...

did you poo on the homeless guy?

They like that.

They get hungry too, you know.

Malach the Merciless said...

And you forgot, the B's might actually be pretty good this year. Might get me back on the bandwagon like the Celtics did.

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