Scar Search | Mental Poo

Monday, October 06, 2008

Scar Search


About an inch and a half long.

No, no...

It's not the measurement of my erect penis.

(as I can best that measurement by AT LEAST another inch)

It's the length of my new scar.

My left cheek is sporting a freshly made gouge about an inch and a half long.

How did it happen?

I'm telling everyone that I got it during "The Eliminator" portion of "American Gladiators."


This is not entirely false...

...as it DID happen during physical combat with an assailant.

You know...

...if you can consider my four year old son an assailant.

I know I do.

Here's how my new deformity happened:


My son cons me into wrestling with him almost every day.

This differs from the "wrestling" I did with MY dad...

...which involved beer, Vaseline, and - for some reason - the local Catholic priest.

Confession is gonna SUCK this year.


Anyway...

I have to put a time limit on our wrestling sessions, for a number of reasons:

1) I'm getting too old for this shit

2) If I didn't put a time limit on this, we'd probably STILL be f*cking wrestling

3) My son completely kicks my ass


Anyway...

I wrestle with him while I'm on all fours...

...at which point he charges me and pummels me relentlessly about the head and neck.

(this is reminding me of a story that happened in my gym's sauna...but this is not the time or place)

But I digress...


Anyway...

I lunged at my son at one point, in an effort to reach around his waist and grab him.

...not realizing that he weighs 44 pounds and has a waist roughly the diameter of a fence post.

My arm whipped around his waist at the same time my body was coming towards him.

My hand swung around his body...

...wrapping around his little waist like a tetherball around the pole...

...and smashed me in the face with such force that it dug into my cheek...

...and ripped half of it off.

Yeah...

I did this to myself.


The next five minutes comprised of me rolling around the floor in pain, grasping my eye, yelling:

"OH...GOD...OH MAN....OW....OH...."

...while my son continued to pummel me.

Thanks, son.

Hey...Cam...

...here are my genitals...

...while I'm laying here holding my face in agony, could you give 'em a good swift kick?

Of course you could.

Thanks, son.


Wife (shaking head): "What happened?"

Me: "Am I bleeding?"

Wife: "Yes. What happened?"

Me: "CAMERON STOP KICKING ME!!"

I swear this kid is sleeping outside tonight.

Anyway...

...after I told her, I waited until she was done laughing at me to go check it out.

My eye half closed...

A big gash on my cheek...

...bleeding profusely...


Man...

I looked TOUGH.

Cool.

I immediately began rummaging through my son's toy boxes looking for his "pirate eye patch" to complete the look.


I couldn't find it.

F*CK.

I settled instead for his Spiderman outfit - which IS a little snug...

...but makes me look like Peter Parker on the subway at the end of Spiderman 2.

You know...

...if his outfit shrunk 14 sizes while he was fighting Doc Ock.


Wow...

You can really make out my tiny erection in this thing.

I'm SO wearing this on "American Gladiators."

18 comments:

Hungry Mother said...

Thanks for the hilarious reminder of those days when my kids were smashing me in the face.

Mike said...

You might punch yourself in the face, but at least you don't hit your head on low basements and branches.

LBluca77 said...

HAHA That is hilarious. Pirate eye patches rock!!

Narm said...

Hmm - not the normal way you go and beat yourself - but either way your face gets covered in SOMETHING, right?

Too far?

Becky..AMHW said...

Go on...say it...SAY IT!!!

SAT HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!




Sorry, couldn't resist.

Midleah said...

Why hasn't anyone referenced midget wrestling yet?

Christina_the_wench said...

Where's the pic? I totally don't believe you. I want proof.

Olly said...

Yup, nothing screams defeat like getting your ass kicked by a four-year-old, hahaha!

meleah rebeccah said...

LOL....Loving the Dexter reference here.

And... Of course I'm thrilled I've never had to wrestle anyone!

rs27 said...

I guess the question of how many four year olds could you beat up is answered.

Negative 6.

coffeypot said...

I did the same thing, except I busted my lip against my teeth and split it wide open. Of course I couldn't take the blame for hitting myself, so I got the broom, broke off the handle and was going to beat the kid into next week. But he took it away from me. I was out of work for three days and limped for a week. Those three year olds are plenty tough, I tell yah.

c.watson said...

Wow a grown man in a boys spiderman suit is sooo hot, especially with a scar. Oh wait no, no I was completely wrong. That's just sad.

So what you're saying is that your 4 year-old is the real man of the family?

Mike said...

Man, I am so glad my wrestling days are over with.

With my son anyway.

I still wrestle Girl Scouts for cookies, but that's just for fun. And cookies.

Michael Knight Rambo said...

I just hope for your sake he likes you when he's in high school!

Titania Starlight said...

I am so sorry about your accident but I can't stop laughing! It's bad enough your son kicked your ass but you punched yourself. OMG!!!!! I would stick with the Gladiator story. :o)~

Malach the Merciless said...

GO RED SOX

catscratch said...

Awwwwww. Use Neosporin so you don't get a scar.

Colonel Colonel said...

Now let me get this straight...

never mind. Oh man, if anyone asks you what happened, do what I do after mutilating myself in some freakish, embarrassing way (which is like twice a month), just grin and say-

"yeah, I know it looks bad, but the fucking Yankees fan came out looking even worse!"

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