Fuck Alton Brown | Mental Poo

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Fuck Alton Brown

That's right.


For those of you who don't know who Alton Brown is, he's some asshole on the Food Network who "guaranteed" that my Thanksgiving turkey would be fantastic if we just followed his instructions.

Now, let's be clear:

I don't really like turkey.

However, I will eat it just because it is an animal and I know this shit pisses off dickwads like PETA.

Fuck it...let's cook two.

My kids don't like turkey.

My wife doesn't like turkey.

So why, year after year, my father-in-law insists on buying a turkey that's roughly the size of a small car, I have no fucking clue.

Since we make turkey once a year, I have to figure out how to cook it.

This year, my wife insisted that we should follow "Alton Brown" and his turkey-cooking-method to get the best turkey.

She even Tivo'd his Thanksgiving show to make sure we had it right.

All I heard was "Alton says..," and "Alton did this.." and "Alton, Alton, Alton" whenever I asked a question about the turkey, or fantasized about him in the shower with a fresh bar of Dial soap.


Too much info there.

Fine. We'll follow Alton.

The results?

Here goes:

Alton said to remove the turkey when it reached 151 degrees.

He GUARANTEED that it would go up to 165 degrees - or higher - during the half-hour you were supposed to let it sit.

This would result in a PERFECTLY COOKED BIRD!!


The two people coming over who actually eat this shit should be pleased!

I set the temperature alarm for 155 degrees...because I don't trust people who wear glasses.

On a side note, I wear glasses. This is why I usually ignore the voices in my head.

Hilda, the evil gnome in my skull cannot be believed!!



So I pull the stupid fucking turkey out at 155.

10 minutes go by.

15 minutes go by.

Oh...look! It went up a whole fucking degree!

25 minutes go by.

At this point, it's at - like - 161 degrees.

Fucking Alton Brown.

At about 35 minutes it goes up to 163 and stays there.

So much for your fucking guarantee, Alton.

Nothing says 'Happy Thanksgiving' better than giving your relatives salmonella poisoning.


Since Thanksgiving is now almost over, we decide to just cut the fucking thing up and nuke it if we have to.

I also watched my mother 'dismantle the carcass' so she could make soup later.

I also believe that 'dismantle the carcass' is the term she gives to having sex with my 80-year-old stepfather.

I wish she'd stop talking, sometimes.

The rest of the bird was raw and bloody.

This is perfect to give to my dog for her suppers.

(I'm trying to kill her)

I should ship some of this raw shit to Alton Brown...maybe it will kill him as well.

If that doesn't work, I can always do what Hilda says I should.

She has good ideas sometimes.


Anonymous said...

What Alton didn't tell you is that you have to ADD some energy by way of friction by way of stuffing your monkey up the turkey's bunghole.

They had to edit that part of of the TV.

I just leave the damned thing in the oven, or even better, just get family members to do it for me.

Uhhh, cook the turkey, not make love to it.

Hungry Mother said...

Nothing like bloody turkey to liven up the Thanksgiving feast.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

Told you I'd eat the mutant construction paper turkey.

I throw the turkey in the roaster breast down and cook the hell out of it all day in a slow oven. He doesn't come out Norman Rockwell pretty, but the meat is tender dammit.

(My husband's diet, lots of turkey. Buttloads of turkey. Turkey hash, turkey soup, turkey ala king...)

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

Alton needs a BJ btw.

LBluca77 said...

Now whenever I hear anyone dismantle the carcass all I am going to think about is sex with an 80 year old.

Which fyi I have never done, but in about 50 years I am sure I will be game.

King of New York Hacks said...

Yeah i agree with LBluca77, you should have sex with it....don't forget the dial soap though.

Going Like Sixty said...

You don't like Turkey? How about Usedbeckinyourhand?

We always use a turkey condom bag thingy with the automagic erection pop up thingy.
We like thingies at our house.

Ms. Florida Transplant said...

Just found your blog and thought I'd say hi.

Kathy said...

Same thing happened to us. Bird was the last thing to finish and was still a little pink inside by the time we decided we wouldn't actually die eating it. As for Alton, his gravy recipe was aces.

Moooooog35 said...


Hungry: Bloody Turkey would be an excellent name for a rock band.

Becky: You had me at 'breast.'

Becky: Don't look at me...I ain't doin' it.

lbluca: Once you go geriatric, you never go back. I think that's the saying.

King: Dial soap + pee pee hole = sting.

True story.

going60: Turkeys use condoms?

Ms. Florida: Welcome! Please check your morals at the door. Thanks in advance.

Kathy: I'm considering sending Alton a bag of my loose stool from my salmonella poisoning. Maybe I'll send his aces gravy instead.

Kellie said...

Well, at least you tried cooking a turkey. I don't plan on doing that until my mom dies and I absolutely have to take over cooking responsibilities. Cooking blows.

Coffeypot said...

If the girls protesting that they had rather go naked than wear fur, does that mean they shaved their beavers?

Knight said...

Eww. I just vomited. Thanks Mooooog

Unknown said...

I actually use the Alton Brown method too..and you are not going to like this, but the show says to cook it to 161 degrees, and it goes up to 165. I used this method this year, and my turkey was perfect.

Love ya.

Mike said...

I believe nothing I hear on those cooking shows. Those tips only work if you are born with the gay cooking gene.

Rahul said...

This is disgusting. I can't believe Alton Brown is white. Hideous.

Anonymous said...

It would have been much easier to have cooked it fully if you would have hooked some jumper cables to the turkeys nipples.

Crispy critter in no time.

I'm baaaaaaaack!

AngryMan said...


E Chuod said...

You have just discovered something amazing. From now on, always tivo some tv cooking show. Then when you F it up. Blame it on Alton. That's my new motto. "Blame it on Alton"

Malach the Merciless said...

Idea: Frozen Turkey, perfect murder weapon, kill him, toss the turkey in woods or ocean.

Anonymous said...

Blaspheme! Alton Brown is my next husband.

Moooooog35 said...

Bloo: ..mom...?

Sounds like you have some turkey issues.

Actually, thanks for being a total tard and giving me my first ever contest idea.

Good luck with the homosexual thing down there in Texas. We'll all be pulling for you.

Anonymous said...

Becky:Oh a BJ for AB, I might just take up that offer. I fucking love him. I have a thing for smart sexy guys with glasses.

Anonymous said...

you obviously did a dumb fucking mistake if your turkey was raw and bloody. and then you blame it on alton..do you really think alton would be aloowed to put a bullshit recipe on tv? dumb fucking retard ur the asshole who cant follow directions.
better luck this yr dumb fuck

Moooooog35 said...

Anonymous #1: Smart sexy guys with glasses?

* cough

* ahem

Anonymous #2: You sound as brilliant as Bloo up there. Is this Bloo's mommy? Let's see a tale of the tape:

"do you really think alton would be aloowed to put a bullshit recipe on tv? dumb fucking retard ur the asshole who cant follow directions."

I have no idea if Alton was aloowed to or not.

If you could explain what it means to aloow someone, I'd appreciate it.

Also, the word "can't" has an appostrophe in it, as it's short for 'can not' as in:

"Anonymous can't spell the word 'allowed.'"

See how that works?

Nice job, douche canoe. Next time, grow a set and we'll go toe to toe.

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