I'm Also a Client | Mental Poo

Thursday, December 18, 2008

I'm Also a Client

Welcome to 40.

Let me explain.

So, a few weeks ago, my son Cameron had his first-ever karate tournament.

He did really, really well...

...which means that all the fun I'm taking out of his childhood will really pay off when he lands the major role in:

Karate Kid 17: The Rise of Cam

The plot involves Cam's rise to power as he takes on an evil Billy Ray Cyrus who is attempting to thwart the boy's desire to bang his now-legal daughter Miley.

I had to rewrite the current script only a little, which has me in the lead role fighting off a battle-hardened John McCain as I try to grab a threesome with his wife and daughter.

Why Universal F*cking Studios won't pick this thing up, I have no idea.

But I've digressed.

So, I hit the Internet looking for pictures of my son from the tournament.

Here's what I found:


Nice shot of the back of his head.

(ironically, in my current script, there is also a 'shot to the back of the head' in that threesome scene)

Then, I found another one:

F*cking, ay. Really?

Another back shot?


Uh oh.

I just noticed something.

Now - for those of you who are regular readers, you know that I've NEVER posted a picture of myself on here except for my high school yearbook photo.

Today, that changes. Kind of.

Because, you see, I'm also in this last photo.


For, you see...

I'm now really fucking depressed.

Here's why:

Jesus H. Christ!!

Look at that fucking bald spot!!!!

I had no idea it was that bad.

I told my wife about the picture, and how bad the back of my head looked, she said:

Wife: "How do you NOT know this?"

So, I tried to show her that I could NOT see the back of my head.

I tried and I tried but no matter how fast I spun around, or how far back my eyes rolled, I just couldn't see the f*cking thing.

Sometimes, she doesn't think.


What. The. Fuck.

Here, I've blown up the image a bit for comparison sake:


That's right.

The area of my bald spot encompasses an area that would engulf a portion of the state of Texas including Dallas, Fort Worth, Denton, and every Brokeback Mountain homosexual cowboy, anally violated steer and Tony Romo therein.

(On a side note, I realized that I included Tony Romo with homosexual cowboys and anally violated steer in one sentence. Sorry for the redundancy.)

Fuck me.

Thanks to digital imaging technology, I've been able to blow this photo up even further:

Hey - gotta live with this goddamn thing.

Might as well try to get some coin out of it.

Space is limited - Call now!

On a brighter note...

...check out how JACKED I am:


I'm hot.

And, yes ladies, I can make my pecs dance to any tune you want.

Currently, I'm practicing with the song "Ebony and Ivory."

My left tit is "ebony" and my right one is "ivory" - and they live on my chest in perfect harmony.

Just like Rachael Ray and her ability to be a douche.

My kids also like when I make my pecs dance to the "A-B-C Song," but it gets kind of creepy doing that shit at birthday parties.

Plus, there are some stipulations on my probation that prohibit me from doing this.

Stupid Chris Hansen.

But...back to me:

You can really tell I go to the gym five days a week.

I look good.

At least...

I do from the front.

Sometimes, 40 sucks.


Anyone up for some "Ebony and Ivory?"


Nosjunkie said...

You know Moog I leave for months come back and your still trying to arrange an Orgy that my friend is why I love you

Anonymous said...

It's not going to be long before you have the "ring".

I'd shave that shit off, shine up your head and call it a "do".

Just saying.

Unknown said...

Hey, I live inside that Texas circle...

LBluca77 said...

You have hair on top of your head and that is what really counts. I have a friend that just turned 30 and he is sportin the Homer Simpson look already.

You were so cute in high school. I bet you got all the ladies.

Dr Zibbs said...

As someone with a complete head of full hair I can't really help you out. Wait.what about wearing a hat all the time?...No, that won't work.

Knight said...

Bwah ha ha ha. You never, ever look at the back of your head? Not even when you get it cut? There is this cool thing you can do where you hold a small mirror up and use it to look into another larger mirror behind you so you can properly spray your hair on before going out.

fiona said...

Same thing happened to SB, he shaved the lot off.
For you however may I suggest a "Toupee"?

Kellie said...

Okay, you've got me laughing at the visual of you trying to spin really fast to see the back of your head.

It's okay. We all grow old and bald eventually. Or wait, we all grow old at least. I won't go bald though. But I'm a chick so don't feel too bad.

Anonymous said...

F*cking hilarious! Along with big feet there is this urban rumor that guys who lose their hair have too much testosterone and are therefore coveted. No comb overs please. Just be proud that you can wear your virility on your head. Your wife must be one lucky lady.

HeyJoe said...

Dude, you need a can of that hair color spray stuff like that balding Bridges brother used in The Fabulous Baker Boys, where Michelle Pfeiffer rolled around in that red dress atop the piano and for years afterwards I envisioned banging her atop said piano while the other Bridges guy plinked out some appropriate ebony/ivory "banging Michelle Pfeiffer " music.

What was I talking about?

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

Balding is sexy. I'd lick Patrick Stewart's head.

That being said, I'd like to buy an ad. I'd like to advertise my costume pillow boobs right on your cranium. We'd both benefit.

Moooooog35 said...

Nosjunkie: It's how I roll. Actually...how I'd LIKE to roll.

Mike: My problem is I'm mole-y...or, as I prefer to say, "covered with beauty marks...that may or may not be cancerous."

I fear that if I shave my head, I'll look like a polka dotted mushroom.


Christina: nah...I'll just paint it.

Doggy: Nice. Can you hear Romo's anal intrusions from there?

lbluca: I DID get all the ladies. All two of them who dug short guys with a mullet.

Dr. Zibbs: Wow..dude. little more salt for my wound?

Knight: Um...hold on...let me look here...yep..yep..penis.

wtf are you talking about?

Fiona: You may suggest it. I will not listen to it. In fact, I've twisted your suggestion into something regarding 'the shocker.' It's a much better comment now.

Kellie: Thanks. That really doesn't help.

Jen: I can wear my virility on my head? Great...now I'm going to spend the rest of the evening trying to stretch my balls up there.

I wonder if I can get college credits for that.

HeyJoe: SO close to losing ManTown privileges with the "Fabulous Baker Boys" reference. However, you graciously saved it with the entire 'banging Michelle Pfeiffer' montage.

Nice save.

Becky: Why advertise fake boobs? We can advertise real ones up there...like a walking billboard but WAY more fun.

For me.

Rahul said...

What about the movie?

I didn't se much ass kissing.

I mean kicking.

Anonymous said...

Personally, I am a fan of the follically challenged.

And. Um. WTF.

That was only the greatest movie idea Ever. Since Universal wont pick it up...try Warner Brothers!!!!

Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ...that spot is HUGE! Fuck! I'm with your wife on this one. How the hell did you NOT notice.

Oh wait. I'm probably supposed to be trying to make you feel better, right?

Okay. How about this?
You were gorgeous in high school. Course that probably had a lot to do with that full, lush head of hair.

Damn, that didn't work.

Sorry, I was temporarily distracted by that shining beacon blinding me from atop your head. hehehe

Let me try again.

By the time you are 50 think of the money you'll save in hair care products and combs. :o)

*snickering loudly*

p.s. I noticed you said fuck instead of f*ck on several occasions. Is this only due to finding out that you are, and apparently have been for a while, "hair folically challenged"?!!

p.s.s. I still luv ya baldy....hehehe

Anonymous said...


You know, I just thought..

16" pythons are pretty damned good.

But if you were to transfer those proportions to me i'd have like 42" pythons

So you got like... HUGE guns man!

Malach the Merciless said...

Hey, I got the Jason Statham look going with my head, so, you got more than me.

Narm said...

I think you had an error in that picture. You wrote, "Big Back" - I think you meant "Broke Back".

That is for taking the obvious Tony Romo joke so I had to work for one.

King of New York Hacks said...

Just turned 40 as well.....now whats next?

Practically Joe said...

Mooooog, dude ... Either your wife set you up to discover that vacant lot on the top of your head ...
or she really needs some photography lessons.
What's with all the back shots?

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