Welcome to 40.
Let me explain.
So, a few weeks ago, my son Cameron had his first-ever karate tournament.
He did really, really well...
...which means that all the fun I'm taking out of his childhood will really pay off when he lands the major role in:
Karate Kid 17: The Rise of Cam
The plot involves Cam's rise to power as he takes on an evil Billy Ray Cyrus who is attempting to thwart the boy's desire to bang his now-legal daughter Miley.
I had to rewrite the current script only a little, which has me in the lead role fighting off a battle-hardened John McCain as I try to grab a threesome with his wife and daughter.
Why Universal F*cking Studios won't pick this thing up, I have no idea.
But I've digressed.
So, I hit the Internet looking for pictures of my son from the tournament.
Here's what I found:
Nice shot of the back of his head.
(ironically, in my current script, there is also a 'shot to the back of the head' in that threesome scene)
Then, I found another one:
F*cking, ay. Really?
Another back shot?
I just noticed something.
Now - for those of you who are regular readers, you know that I've NEVER posted a picture of myself on here except for my high school yearbook photo.
Today, that changes. Kind of.
Because, you see, I'm also in this last photo.
For, you see...
I'm now really fucking depressed.
Jesus H. Christ!!
Look at that fucking bald spot!!!!
I had no idea it was that bad.
I told my wife about the picture, and how bad the back of my head looked, she said:
Wife: "How do you NOT know this?"
So, I tried to show her that I could NOT see the back of my head.
I tried and I tried but no matter how fast I spun around, or how far back my eyes rolled, I just couldn't see the f*cking thing.
Sometimes, she doesn't think.
What. The. Fuck.
Here, I've blown up the image a bit for comparison sake:
The area of my bald spot encompasses an area that would engulf a portion of the state of Texas including Dallas, Fort Worth, Denton, and every Brokeback Mountain homosexual cowboy, anally violated steer and Tony Romo therein.
(On a side note, I realized that I included Tony Romo with homosexual cowboys and anally violated steer in one sentence. Sorry for the redundancy.)
Thanks to digital imaging technology, I've been able to blow this photo up even further:
Hey - gotta live with this goddamn thing.
Might as well try to get some coin out of it.
Space is limited - Call now!
On a brighter note...
...check out how JACKED I am:
And, yes ladies, I can make my pecs dance to any tune you want.
Currently, I'm practicing with the song "Ebony and Ivory."
My left tit is "ebony" and my right one is "ivory" - and they live on my chest in perfect harmony.
Just like Rachael Ray and her ability to be a douche.
My kids also like when I make my pecs dance to the "A-B-C Song," but it gets kind of creepy doing that shit at birthday parties.
Plus, there are some stipulations on my probation that prohibit me from doing this.
Stupid Chris Hansen.
But...back to me:
You can really tell I go to the gym five days a week.
I look good.
I do from the front.
Sometimes, 40 sucks.
Anyone up for some "Ebony and Ivory?"