Long one today.
(that's what she said)
I was a regular work of art.
However, instead of it being “oil on canvas,” it was more like “penis on denim.”
Let me explain.
My first week back to work after my two week holiday ‘vacation’ was also my first day back in the gym.
On a side note, I’ve put ‘vacation’ in quotes there because spending copious amounts of time at home with your 5 and 8 year old kids is more like being waterboarded.
Now, I’m a fan of torturing people (hello? I’m a Republican) so when I say it was "like being waterboarded" I mean it was "like being waterboarded AND having to listen to all those fucking whiny bitchfuck liberals next to me complaining about it."
I’m being fucking tortured here so these nice government people here may potentially get some useful information out.
So shut. The fuck. Up.
I believe I’ve digressed.
Oh yeah – the gym.
So, it’s my first day back in the gym and I’m sweating my balls off.
Listen, when you shave your pubes off things tend to just move around there all willy nilly without the benefit of the added friction.
It’s like those shiny "ben-wa" balls but without the fancy tattoos on them.
Unfortunately, for me it’s also unlike the "ben-wa" balls, too, because I’m the only one who plays with them.
This shit stresses me out.
After the guy on the treadmill allowed me to look under his feet for my right nut (see? I WAS sweating my balls off), I hit the shower.
(queue gay porn music…not that I know what that sounds like or anything…
...forget these last two lines altogether)
I open my gym bag to get dressed and pull out…
Me: “Oh, shit.”
Guy next to me: “Lose another nut?”
I’m a boxer-brief guy.
I like wearing underwear.
Wearing underwear makes me feel like I’m wearing underwear.
I like this feeling.
I see two options to go with here:
1) Go commando
Yep…put on the jeans…no underwear.
Just me and a small sliver of Levi’s separating Mr. Wiggly from modern society.
I don’t like this option one little bit.
I don’t like this option because I’m wearing button-fly jeans.
Going commando in button-fly jeans increases the odds that you’ll unwittingly be sitting there with the head of your dick poking out of one of the spaces between the buttons.
Dick (shielding his eye from the sun): “Wow! There’s a great big world out here!”
* dick makes a run for it while screaming ‘FREEDOM!’
Guy next to me: “Dude. Your junk is really fucked up.”
If I had a decent sized dick, I’d have no problem with the probability of my Mr. Wiggly breaking free.
However, for me there is the distinct possibility that my dick could actually pop out one of the fucking button holes.
Stupid small dick.
So, I look at option #2:
2) Put on my old underwear
I glance down at my old underwear.
My underwear has just undergone a one-hour workout.
It’s not pretty.
You see, although I’m in pretty good shape, I sweat a lot.
I’m sweating as I’m typing this. It’s the fucking space bar that wears me out…it should be shorter. Less effort.
As such, my underwear looks like the tattered remains of a piece of clothing pulled from the wreck of the Titanic.
Film THAT, James Cameron!
(Kate Winslet: call me)
Putting this torn, damp and decrepit piece of cloth on would:
(a) not only feel pretty fucking disgusting but..
(b) also turn my jeans into ‘dirty jeans.’
Dirty jeans are a rare occurrence in a man’s world.
According to the Man Rules, jeans are not considered dirty and can be worn multiple days in a row as long as you don’t:
1) Shit in them
2) Play mud football in them (although, this rule varies depending on the wetness of the mud and if the mud stains can be wiped off when they dry)
3) Shit in them while playing mud football (FYI – the other players will tease you)
4) Get ass sweat on them
I wasn’t planning on shitting myself or playing mud football or any combination therein…
…but I surely would have transferred my copious ass sweat from my Titanic-wreck briefs to my jeans and potentially caused BOTH an ass-sweat stain on my sculpted buttocks as well as made a 5 foot radius around me smell like a 24-hour fat person all-anal gang bang.
* reminder to myself to return that video
I went with option 1.
So, I sit here typing with my tired little pecker shielded from the cold, cruel world by a fraction of an inch of denim.
It feels yucky. I don’t like it.
On the bright side, I’ve noticed that my nuts aren’t sticking together right now.
Hold on…hold on…
That’s because one of them made a break for it.
Stupid runaway junk.
This is totally gonna freak the guy next to me out again.