Runaway Commando Junk | Mental Poo

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Runaway Commando Junk

Long one today.

(that's what she said)


I was a regular work of art.

However, instead of it being “oil on canvas,” it was more like “penis on denim.”

Let me explain.

My first week back to work after my two week holiday ‘vacation’ was also my first day back in the gym.

On a side note, I’ve put ‘vacation’ in quotes there because spending copious amounts of time at home with your 5 and 8 year old kids is more like being waterboarded.

Now, I’m a fan of torturing people (hello? I’m a Republican) so when I say it was "like being waterboarded" I mean it was "like being waterboarded AND having to listen to all those fucking whiny bitchfuck liberals next to me complaining about it."


I’m being fucking tortured here so these nice government people here may potentially get some useful information out.

So shut. The fuck. Up.

Thank you.

I believe I’ve digressed.

Oh yeah – the gym.

So, it’s my first day back in the gym and I’m sweating my balls off.


Listen, when you shave your pubes off things tend to just move around there all willy nilly without the benefit of the added friction.

It’s like those shiny "ben-wa" balls but without the fancy tattoos on them.

Unfortunately, for me it’s also unlike the "ben-wa" balls, too, because I’m the only one who plays with them.

This shit stresses me out.

After the guy on the treadmill allowed me to look under his feet for my right nut (see? I WAS sweating my balls off), I hit the shower.

(queue gay porn music…not that I know what that sounds like or anything… know…

...forget these last two lines altogether)

I open my gym bag to get dressed and pull out…


Just socks.

No underwear.

Me: “Oh, shit.”

Guy next to me: “Lose another nut?”

You see...

I’m a boxer-brief guy.

I like wearing underwear.

Wearing underwear makes me feel like I’m wearing underwear.

I like this feeling.

But today?

No underwear.


I see two options to go with here:

1) Go commando

Yep…put on the jeans…no underwear.

Just me and a small sliver of Levi’s separating Mr. Wiggly from modern society.

I don’t like this option one little bit.

I don’t like this option because I’m wearing button-fly jeans.

Going commando in button-fly jeans increases the odds that you’ll unwittingly be sitting there with the head of your dick poking out of one of the spaces between the buttons.

Dick (shielding his eye from the sun): “Wow! There’s a great big world out here!”

* dick makes a run for it while screaming ‘FREEDOM!

Guy next to me: “Dude. Your junk is really fucked up.”

If I had a decent sized dick, I’d have no problem with the probability of my Mr. Wiggly breaking free.

However, for me there is the distinct possibility that my dick could actually pop out one of the fucking button holes.

Stupid small dick.

So, I look at option #2:

2) Put on my old underwear

I glance down at my old underwear.

My underwear has just undergone a one-hour workout.

It’s not pretty.

You see, although I’m in pretty good shape, I sweat a lot.

I’m sweating as I’m typing this. It’s the fucking space bar that wears me out…it should be shorter. Less effort.

Cardio sucks.

As such, my underwear looks like the tattered remains of a piece of clothing pulled from the wreck of the Titanic.

Film THAT, James Cameron!

(Kate Winslet: call me)

Putting this torn, damp and decrepit piece of cloth on would:

(a) not only feel pretty fucking disgusting but..

(b) also turn my jeans into ‘dirty jeans.’

Dirty jeans are a rare occurrence in a man’s world.

According to the Man Rules, jeans are not considered dirty and can be worn multiple days in a row as long as you don’t:

1) Shit in them

2) Play mud football in them (although, this rule varies depending on the wetness of the mud and if the mud stains can be wiped off when they dry)

3) Shit in them while playing mud football (FYI – the other players will tease you)

4) Get ass sweat on them

I wasn’t planning on shitting myself or playing mud football or any combination therein…

…but I surely would have transferred my copious ass sweat from my Titanic-wreck briefs to my jeans and potentially caused BOTH an ass-sweat stain on my sculpted buttocks as well as made a 5 foot radius around me smell like a 24-hour fat person all-anal gang bang.

* reminder to myself to return that video

I went with option 1.

So, I sit here typing with my tired little pecker shielded from the cold, cruel world by a fraction of an inch of denim.

It feels yucky. I don’t like it.

On the bright side, I’ve noticed that my nuts aren’t sticking together right now.

Hold on…hold on…

That’s because one of them made a break for it.

Stupid runaway junk.

This is totally gonna freak the guy next to me out again.


Anonymous said...

That's what I like about your posts... there's always more than you need to know.


MJenks said...

I had this issue once last summer. Ever since then, I have a rolled up pair of boxer-briefs stashed in the bottom drawer of my desk.

When I went commando, it felt really gross. However, when I saw the redhead down the hall with the big ass, I would jingle my change in my pockets, just I could take that step a little further down the sexual harassment ladder.

LBluca77 said...

Nothing wrong with going commando. It feels nice in your silly place.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

You cannot be that much of a republican if you shave your junk.

What I like about going commando in button fly jeans is that with buttons I don't zip up my pubes in my fly.

I think I would have constructed makeshift underpants out of a gym towel. It might feel diaper-y for a while, but even if you do shit yourself you can save your jeans.

Narm said...

You are a republican? And here I thought you were normal.

Wait. No I didn't.

Moooooog35 said...

AV: I'm nothing if not honest about my testicles.

Mjenks: Did you use your hand to jiggle the change or your...nevermind..don't want to know.

Lbluca: How do you know my place is silly? Did I leave my webcam on?

Becky: Pubes in your fly? Jesus, woman. Shave that shit.

Narm: Yep..Republican. If I wanted change I'd break this hundred dollar bill. Yep, I have a hundred dollar bill. All us Republicans have lots of them.

Join us.

fiona said...

You need to trust Mr Wiggly more!
He'll give you a "heads up" when he feel the need...

Blonde Goddess said...

I only go commando when I'm wearing a dress...preferably in church where I am sure to fall and land with my ass sticking up in the air. (true story)

I think you should consider wearing a monk's robe or a kilt and just go commando all the time.

HeyJoe said...

When you said you went with "Option #1" I had to scroll back up. The first #1 I saw was "Shit in them."

Needless to say I was disappointed.

And I enjoy the occasional commando outing, particularly in the summer time when I can wear my satin running shorts.

Bon Don said...

You had me at "smell like a 24-hour fat person all-anal gang bang."

Kellie said...

Ew. Sweaty sticky smelly ball sack. Gross. But I agree w/ your choice here. Obviously you don't want to put your dirty underware back on. That would just be wrong.

rachaelgking said...

Yours is seriously the only blog I read where each and every post leaves me speechless.

And I mean that in the best possible way.

Keep raising the bar, darlin.

Coffeypot said...

I wear my blue jeans until they stand up by themselves when I take them off. I get a hammer and break them down so I can get them in the washing machine. After the first wash I have to shovel out the un-drained dirt, then wash them again. As for my pecker sticking out, I just tell everyone I am advertising, but not trolling for queers. Most of the women think its cute and want to pet it’s little head. But it doesn’t like to be petted too much, so if they keep it up it will spit on them. Spoiled little prick.

Moooooog35 said...

Fiona: Mr. Wiggly doesn't give me a heads up unless I supply him with pills.

Sometimes, I cry at night.

BG: Reminds me of my days as an altar boy.

HeyJoe: So YOU'RE Farrah Fawcett?!

BonDon: And YOU had me at "you had me.."

Kellie: Who said anything about smelly?

LiLu: I CAN'T raise the bar without that damn pill.

Oh. Wrong bar.

Forget I said anything.

Coffeypot: The authorities are on their way.

Rahul said...

I would have gone with a toga.

I see nothign wrong with that.

Anonymous said...

The cold probably made little wiggly go as an innie therefore saving you the embarrassment of the new nickname "acorn".

PkmnTrainerJ said...

Commando feels great sometimes, but I have a pair of button jeans, with a missing button in exactly the wrong place. It's going to be embarassing one of these days.

Man Jeans rules are so true. These jeans I have on now are four days old. They'll probably be worn until I wash some new ones.

Whereas, according to Will & Grace, boxer-briefs make you a gay, which detracts from the Man Jeans manliness.

Olly said...

How about untucking your shirt? That is if it's not a cute little belly shirt. It's not is it? Don't need that picture in my head...

Unknown said...

I thought it was illegal for Republicans to go commando? It's only pissant liberals who are allowing to hang their tackle in the wind.

So I heard.

Colleen said...

Ah come on, commando is hot. Actually I guess it's cooler since there is more air flow, but whatever.

Anonymous said...

Ill never understand how you guys can walks around with those things swinging inbewteen your legs.

Malach the Merciless said...


Malicious Intent said...

It was good to hear from Mr. Wiggly today. You have not talked about him in some time, surely leaving your audience pondering over his (and the twins) well being.

You poor twisted Republican little man. Don't you know that the Dems are in your corner? They have always been good to the special needs population. They won't judge you.

Moooooog35 said...

rs27: That would have been great if I was lifting weights at The Colosseum.

Mike: Acorn would be an improvement.

Pkmn: The fact that you're referencing fucking "Will & Grace" makes your comment moot.

Olly: Like you haven't already pictured that.

Chris: No, we can go commando. Makes it easier to piss on homeless people.

C.Watson: It IS cool. It's like my penis is The Fonz.


Meleah: Honey, you're not supposed to understand.

You're just supposed to suck on it.

It's like I have to explain EVERYTHING to you.

Mike: Mmmm. Now I want rice.

Malach: You sound disturbingly excited about this.

MI: You're right..the Dems won't judge me. They'll just distribute my wealth. Always a good plan. Worked in Russia!

Mr. Wiggly says 'hi.'

Patyrish said...

WOW when you work out, YOU REALLY WORK OUT! Those underwear look like you HAD mud wrestled in them. YUMMY! LOLOL

More men should "manicure" if ya know what I mean.

Anonymous said...

Okay. Then. I have nothing to worry about!

Unknown said...

Hilarious, as usual!

Maxie said...

button-fly?? REALLY??? who are you.

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