Red Handed | Mental Poo

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Red Handed

OH MY GOD…is that…is that BLOOD?!

It started innocently enough when I walked in the door.

Me: “Hi everyone!”


(everyone is in plain view)

Wife: “Something’s wrong with the dog. You need to look at her.”

I’m still pissed about the welcome.


Everyone: “Hiiiiiiii!”

Sarcastic bastards.

Me: “What’s wrong with the dog?”

Wife: “It looks like she’s been attacked. Look at her side.”

Now – let me preface this by saying that I hate my dog.

I used to like my dog.

Then, I learned to hate her.

I like this way better.

Grabbing the little turd, I look at her and – sure enough – the side of her body is matted down...

Crimson Red.

Me: “What the Hell happened?”


Me: “OH COME ON!!!”

Wife: “Looks like something attacked her.”

It sure did. It looked like something attacked her good.

I grab a paper towel, wet it, and dab at it.


Me: “That’s not blood.”

(Begin flashbacks here)


We were at the local butcher shop trying to decide what the wife and I would eat for supper that week.

Notice I did NOT say, “what the family was going to eat,” because unless it has the word “nugget,” “bun,” or “sandwich” in it, my kids won’t touch it.

After perusing through the beef aisle (my apologies to Hindus here), we tromped down the pork aisle (yes, folks, an ENTIRE AISLE DEVOTED TO THE DELICIOUS PIG!...also, my apologies to Jews).

Catholics get to eat all the tasty beasts.

Hooray for Catholics!

Me: “Hey…how does this sound?”

I held up a package of “Chinese Marinated Pork Tips.”

Apparently, “Chinese Marinated” means “marinated in red paint” – because you could barely see the pork through the thick layer of Ah-So sauce in the package.

By the way, “Ah-So” is not the Chinese word for “Asshole” (that word is “Margaret Cho”), so don’t even think that I’d eat anything marinated in THAT.

If you want to see that video, Google “Two girls one cup.”

(Tip: you might not want to do that)

Regardless of the paint, we bought the Chinese pork.


So I bring the pork out to the grill where some of the sauce spills out onto my deck….

…where it subsequently STAINS IT.

This food just stained my deck.

This happened weeks ago, folks, and – yes – there’s still a Chinese Pork stain on my deck.

I believe this also explains the Chinese toy paint fiasco that happened recently.

Apparently, the toys were painted with Chinese Pork tip marinade.

Whatever…realizing that no matter WHAT these things were stewing in, delicious piggy is delicious piggy and I was eating that shit even if it tried to kill me.



That was me...

...staring at my shit in the toilet.

My bright, FIRE ENGINE RED, pile of shit.

Me: “What the FUCK?!?

Guy in next stall: “Um…you okay over there?”

Me: “I think I might be dying. Hey...this is a funny color, isn't it?”

Helpful tip: Never show the guy in the stall next to you your used toilet paper.

That kind of stuff goes on your permanent record at Human Resources.

You're welcome.


Back to my flaming red pile of shit.

It’s like I had pooped out a giant neon-red submarine.

And not the little stupid “Alvin” submarine, but a big red nuclear submarine.

I was in shock and awe at the same time.

I mean, sure, it was a bright red poop, but it was a decent one. Almost picture-worthy.


Then…I remembered….


Those delicious little piglet tips had not ONLY stained a spot on my deck red…

…but they also apparently have the power to paint poo.

(On a side note, “The Power of Painted Poo” would be an awesome name for a rock band)

Red Poo.

This is how the Chinese people will take over the world…by inducing red-poo panic amongst all the pig-eating populace.

I may convert to Judaism.


Wife: “The dog is out of food.”

Me: “Well...we have some leftover pork tips.”

***** PRESENT DAY *****

Me: “That’s not blood on the dog.”

Wife: “What is it?”

Me: “It’s poop.”

I then had to explain the experience I had with my very own tainted stool a day earlier, and how I nearly called the doctor thinking my intestines were undergoing some hideous hemorrhaging resulting in my giant red pile of caca.

Apparently, dogs are not immune to the poo-staining power of Chinese pork tips.

As my dog had also shit bright red.

Then, the stupid thing managed to roll herself in it...thus covering her entire side in a swath of matted, crimson poo.

I hate this fucking dog.

Wife: “Um...You might want to call your mom.”

Me: “Why?”

Wife: “We thought it was blood. She was picking all through it with her fingers for about a half hour.”


That call to my mom telling her that she spent a half hour picking through dog shit was the funniest phone call I’ve had to make in quite a while.

You know, if you don’t count the one where I had to explain why I was canceling my doctor’s visit.

My mom was not so amused, and had to run off to go clean under her fingernails.

That was the third time that day I had to talk about my red poop.

Stupid pig.

Why must you be so tasty?

Doesn't matter...I'd do it all again.


Anonymous said...

Could you please tell me the brand of these pork tips?

I see some practical jokes in my future.

Thanks in advance.

Unknown said...

My stomach hurts from laughing so hard.. the flashbacks leading up to the incident were hilarious! I am adding a link to my post today to this post

Anonymous said...

Red dog shit? Wow, that IS consumer choice.

LBluca77 said...

Now all I want to do is feed my cat these pork tips and then, you know wait to see what happens.

Bon Don said...

YES! I know what I'm serving at the first BBQ of the summer, red Caca all around! Would you happen to know of any other foods that would turn shit a different color?

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

I can understand dogs rolling in their own shit. I mean, geez, when you poop out pork tips it's a divine thing to go about your day resmelling it.

But, I wonder, why didn't your dog eat his we all live in a red submarine turd like many other dogs are so prone to do? And if your dog did eat it, would the turd that resulted from eating the previous turd be just as colorful?

I think this needs further investigation.

Bon Don said...

wait! I didn't mean I would serve "red caca all around" I meant... oh never mind, that's what I get... go for it

Rahul said...

If there is no band that names themselves Blood Poo then we have failed as a society

Kellie said...

OMG, your mom picking through it just made me die laughing. Seriously. My stomach is in pain.

If you want to know something else that will turn your poo red: Dairy Queen Red Dilly bars. Enough said.

fiona said...

Aha! That would explain their Flag!
Your dog gets the big gold star!

rachaelgking said...

Hmmmm... I don't have an animal to torture with this powerful information...

Guess the bf will have to do!

Unknown said...

red piggy poo.


Unknown said...

I think I am now officially off Chinese food for a while... I believe this was part humor post, part important public service announcement....

You may have saved some reader/pork rib eater from a small heart attack over their horror movie restroom visit.

Me said...

You make me pee my pants. Just want to thank you for that. But I don't like that you hate your dog and called him stupid dog face and stupid dog feet. I hope he poops red lava on your favorite shoes.

Moooooog35 said...

Kellie: Dilly Bars sound dirty.

I bet they are. Are they dirty?

Fiona: Nice catch! Wait...what are the stars in the flag supposed to be? Corn?

LiLu: he's a lucky, lucky man.

Stacie: That sounds like the title of a children's book! Off to write it now.


"Mental Poo: Helping people avoid cardiac arrest over their flaming red pork rib shit since 2009."

Smiley: It's okay. You don't have to like the fact that I want to poison my dog in order to get my back yard back from looking like a dog shit minefield of dead grass.

Grass vs. Dog covered in shit.

No brainer, really.

Anonymous said...

That would be a neat trick to play just before you go for colonic irrigation.

Jen said...

Moooog, couldn't your mom smell shit when she picked through it!? Ugh, gross!

Great post!

Moooooog35 said...

Tiggy: Who the fuck wants to irrigate THAT?!

Mjenks: Let me know how that works out for you.

Jen: Good question about the poop smelling thing.

My mom...she not too bright.

Apple. Tree. Not far.

Coffeypot said...

You should have told your wife that it was a fatal disease and the dog would have to be put to sleep. Then put it in a bag and toss it into the river. Damn dog!

Malach the Merciless said...

Classic Moog, Classic Moog.

DubLiMan said...

Hey Moog,

Mel here (the Big Bang creator). How are you? I have meaning to stop by and invite you to join my latest project “SlogBite.” Please come on by and join the fun!! You may have seen the SlogBite badges and widgets on a some of the sites that you have been visiting.

Your site would be a welcome addition to the SlogBite family. I'm sure that you will recognize a number of SB members.

BTW, I see that you haven't changed.....still as sick as ever.

Anonymous said...

This is the funniest shit I have read in a long time...thank you!

JulieGong said...

i always love a good poop story and you have not let me down by any means... i am a child.

Moooooog35 said...

Coffee: Good idea...except I've thrown so much shit in that river over the years that the fucking dog would probably come back as a zombie.

King of NY: You might want to go to the pharmacy and pick up some type of ointment.

Malach: Coming Soon: Cherry Moog!

Slog: 'sup, Mel. Long time. I shall drop by, as it's my duty to slack off during working hours.

Abs: Thanks. GIVE ME 20 CRUNCHES!

Julie: You love a good poop story? this the site for you.

Patyrish said...

Your poor mom. I would have been mortified.

Anonymous said...

I am doubled over in hysterics. Your poor mom!

This is why I do now have pets!

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