Anesthesia, Sexual Harassment, and You | Mental Poo

Monday, March 30, 2009

Anesthesia, Sexual Harassment, and You


Please forgive me, I know not what I do.

You hot ol' broad, you.

Fucking anesthesia.

So, as I had previously mentioned...

...I had broken my pinky finger fighting off an army of Ninja warriors while simultaneously pleasuring a room full of Jessica Alba clones.

Um...

Have I mentioned that I'm currently on painkillers?

Thank you, Percocet.

And thank YOU, Jessica #12...I love the way you lick my feet.

Anyone seen my dog?

Whatever.

Keep licking, Jessie....keeeeeeep licking.

I've digressed.


My pinky was mangled in such a way that I required surgery and had to be knocked out.

Here's how that went:

1) GMILF Mary

I was sitting in the gurney waiting to be brought in...

...wearing nothing but that hospital gown, a pair of socks and a smile on my face.

LOOK OUT, LADIES!!


An old 60+ year-old nurse named Mary pulled my gown open to attach those sticky round things (her nipples?) to my chest.

As she was looking for a place to put them, she said:

Mary: "Is this your chest?"

Um...

Jesus, Mary...

(hey! where's Joseph!? HA! I'm going to Hell!)

...you're the one with the fucking nursing degree.

I HOPE you know that's my goddamn chest or I am seriously right the fuck outta here.

Me: "Uh...yeah."

Mary: "Wow. You work out? Go to the gym?"

* blink

Is she...is she hitting on me pre-op?

NICE.


In her defense, my chest is stellar.

Ten bucks says she checks out my junk when I'm under.

Which explains my faint memory of someone laughing during surgery.

2) My Trip to the Mall

According to what I heard, I woke up in the middle of the procedure.

What was supposed to take an hour, instead took two.

Apparently, with only an hour worth of sedative in me, I woke up.

Doctor: "You woke up and were complaining that you were in a lot of pain."

Oh.

REALLY? I COMPLAINED?


How thoughtless of me.

Maybe it's because I woke up while you were inserting metal spikes into my bones through a four-inch long gash in the side of my hand.

Next time I'll try to suck it up, really.

Sorry to be such a little bitch.

Asshole.


So, they tried knocking me back out, which then induced a "reaction."

I heard Mary call the reaction a "mmmmfffmmmmfff."

(she had my balls in her mouth)

Actually, she said it was a "grand mal seizure."

I heard her say that.

However, all the other doctors were, like:

"No it wasn't!! No it wasn't!! You just got really stiff!"

* Mary winks at me

Whatever. Covering their asses.

It's okay. I have these "Mall Seizures" all the time when my wife says she needs a new pocketbook.

I hate shopping.


3) Anesthesia and the Pompous ASS

Coming out of anesthesia is interesting.

You can hear and do things, but you're wasted and completely out of your fucking mind.

I imagine that this is what it's like to be Lindsay Lohan every day.


So...groggy...I hear this through the fog:

"Rodney...time to get up...can you do something? Count for us...? Say the alphabet..?"

So I remember doing this:

"A, B, C, D, E, F..."

...while bouncing my pecs one at a time to the beat.

Yes.

I was doing the chest-alphabet.

I TOLD YOU they were stellar.

Nurse: "Oh geez...he's flexing his chest."

Then..

...I remember saying this to the room full of nurses:

"Man...all the broads are gonna dig me now."

* cricket

Nice, Rod.

SO Classy.

Even while semi-conscious.

I'm expecting the harassment suit any day now.

I hope Mary hand delivers it.

She digs me.

26 comments:

Allanah said...

I love the sub-standard health system you seem to have over there... 'is this your chest' + 'when you woke up in the middle of your hand reconstruction you seemed to complain of pain'= REAL onto it sort of medical professionals

Mike said...

Flexing your chest to the beat is one thing.

Flexing your balls is another.

Obviously, there's a part of your training that you're neglecting.

freetheunicorns said...

$20 bucks says she takes a picture of your junk and puts it on her bedside table.

LBluca77 said...

Why does it not surprise me that you flexed your chest? I'm flexing my chest right now, actually for girls that is code for stuffing our bras.

moooooog35 said...

Allanah: Allanah-bana-bo-bana...fee-fi-fo-fana....me-my-mo-mana...Allanah.

That was fun!

Percocets.

Mike: `Maybe I just that little part out.

Literally.

Free: Let me know if your wife puts up any new art in the bedroom.

Lbluca: My aim is to surpise no one. Hooray for me!

binks said...

WOW! You know the alphabet? You never cease to amaze me, MMOS!

My surgery, I woke up and they were shaving my ummmm bikini area. I know, I know, I have all the fun!

Susan said...

Seriously, how the hell do you come up with some of this shit? Really???

moooooog35 said...

Binks: That's kind of creepy considering that you went in there for your tonsils.

Susna: I don't come up with it..it comes up with me.

I have no idea what that means.

fiona said...

Extract my teeth and call me Mary!

rs27 said...

I was hoping that you would wake up, rip your shirt off and go yelling through the halls screaming" I AM A REAL AMERICAN!"

These are my dreams

Blonde Goddess said...

I woke up during surgery once.
That's why I now refer to my doctor as "Dr. Butt Pirate"...

Consider yourself fortunate...

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

You've gotta get some of this stuff and send it to me. I'll pay the postage.

coffeypot said...

You get a hummer from a toothless broad with your surgery? Man, you must have great insurance.

I don't thing my Medicaid will cover that.

C.B. Jones said...

I could only hope to be as delusionally cool as you.

VE said...

I think those hospital gowns will be in this summer. People are tired of the pants-to-the-knees fashion and need something just as stupid...

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Can you believe my wife was upset that I got up off the gurney after my surgery and I didn't want to put on pants.

She told me I HAD to put on pants.

I told her "pants are overrated bullshit."

I love you, anesthesia.

moooooog35 said...

Fiona: I THOUGHT she looked familiar!

rs27: Um, dude.

You dream of me?

Awesome.

BG: Had they removed the penis yet?

Mary: Between the percocets, oxycontin, and vicoden floating around here, I could open up my own crack house.

Getting old rocks.

Coffee: You gotta read the fine print. It's under "personal concubines."

CB: With a name like "CB" you're halfway there!

VE: Remind me not to walk behind you.

Mjenks: See? It IS fun! That's why I snort inhalants.

Chris Wood said...

Well done for maintaining your, um, standards while out of it for an op.

Class work!

Venom said...

I'd ask that you post a picture of your stunning chest, but if you did it then entrecard would threaten to drop you from their program (like they did Homemade Hilarity).

Narm said...

Eh - come get me when you can bounce your balls to the beat.

Me-Me King said...

Pass the Percocet will ya?

meleah rebeccah said...

this was probably one of the best stories EVER told. I laughed The Whole Time.

Percocet rules.

Kellie said...

Can I have what you're having? I could use some percocet to brighten up my day.

Malach the Merciless said...

You wrote this all loopy didn't you?

Malicious Intent said...

My husband is a hoot when coming out of sedation. One time I was sitting by his bed and the nurse came up and asked me, "Is he ok?" Before I could reply he howls out like a dog at the moon, in a slow and low way...."Hoooooooooooterssssss." Nurse says, "Yup, he is ok."

I just roll my eyes and continue to read my magazine thinking that I am never making him hot wings at home again.

moooooog35 said...

Chris: I do what I can...even when I have no idea I'm doing it, apparently.

Venom: They DID threaten to drop me but then reconsidered when I sent them pics of my chest.

It's really quite fabulous.

Narm: Um...come get you for what? Do you want to do a weird ball duet or some shit?

Me-Me: Supplies are limited.

I take bribes of all sorts, though.

Meleah: One of the best stories of all time?!? Better than the Bible?!? Woo-hoo!

Kellie: Percocet doesn't brighten your day...

...it just makes the magical unicorns fly faster.

Malach: Ironically, no - I wrote THIS though while on Percoc...OOOH! PIXIES!!

MI: I sppose this explains all the whip cream canisters scattered near your bed.

Sicko.

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