Please forgive me, I know not what I do.
You hot ol' broad, you.
So, as I had previously mentioned...
...I had broken my pinky finger fighting off an army of Ninja warriors while simultaneously pleasuring a room full of Jessica Alba clones.
Have I mentioned that I'm currently on painkillers?
Thank you, Percocet.
And thank YOU, Jessica #12...I love the way you lick my feet.
Anyone seen my dog?
Keep licking, Jessie....keeeeeeep licking.
My pinky was mangled in such a way that I required surgery and had to be knocked out.
Here's how that went:
1) GMILF Mary
I was sitting in the gurney waiting to be brought in...
...wearing nothing but that hospital gown, a pair of socks and a smile on my face.
LOOK OUT, LADIES!!
An old 60+ year-old nurse named Mary pulled my gown open to attach those sticky round things (her nipples?) to my chest.
As she was looking for a place to put them, she said:
Mary: "Is this your chest?"
(hey! where's Joseph!? HA! I'm going to Hell!)
...you're the one with the fucking nursing degree.
I HOPE you know that's my goddamn chest or I am seriously right the fuck outta here.
Mary: "Wow. You work out? Go to the gym?"
Is she...is she hitting on me pre-op?
In her defense, my chest is stellar.
Ten bucks says she checks out my junk when I'm under.
Which explains my faint memory of someone laughing during surgery.
2) My Trip to the Mall
According to what I heard, I woke up in the middle of the procedure.
What was supposed to take an hour, instead took two.
Apparently, with only an hour worth of sedative in me, I woke up.
Doctor: "You woke up and were complaining that you were in a lot of pain."
REALLY? I COMPLAINED?
How thoughtless of me.
Maybe it's because I woke up while you were inserting metal spikes into my bones through a four-inch long gash in the side of my hand.
Next time I'll try to suck it up, really.
Sorry to be such a little bitch.
So, they tried knocking me back out, which then induced a "reaction."
I heard Mary call the reaction a "mmmmfffmmmmfff."
(she had my balls in her mouth)
Actually, she said it was a "grand mal seizure."
I heard her say that.
However, all the other doctors were, like:
"No it wasn't!! No it wasn't!! You just got really stiff!"
* Mary winks at me
Whatever. Covering their asses.
It's okay. I have these "Mall Seizures" all the time when my wife says she needs a new pocketbook.
I hate shopping.
3) Anesthesia and the Pompous ASS
Coming out of anesthesia is interesting.
You can hear and do things, but you're wasted and completely out of your fucking mind.
I imagine that this is what it's like to be Lindsay Lohan every day.
So...groggy...I hear this through the fog:
"Rodney...time to get up...can you do something? Count for us...? Say the alphabet..?"
So I remember doing this:
"A, B, C, D, E, F..."
...while bouncing my pecs one at a time to the beat.
I was doing the chest-alphabet.
I TOLD YOU they were stellar.
Nurse: "Oh geez...he's flexing his chest."
...I remember saying this to the room full of nurses:
"Man...all the broads are gonna dig me now."
Even while semi-conscious.
I'm expecting the harassment suit any day now.
I hope Mary hand delivers it.
She digs me.