Before I start today:
I've got a TMI post running over on "Live it, Love it" today.
Yeah - it's an oldie. But it's a goodie.
Don't act surprised.
If you haven't been to "Live it, Love it," yet - go and bookmark her. She's a funny shit.
Great. More poo references.
The wonderful thing about Tiggers...
...is that at least they'd be able to bounce their ass out of the ocean.
On a related note:
I wanna be a Tigger.
My tailbone just makes a snapping noise when I bounce on it.
The week before Easter, the wife and I took the kids to the beach with their kites.
It was a 60 degrees (Farenheit...equal to -pi Celsius) Sunday.
This qualifies as 'beach weather' here in New England.
This balmy weather was accompanied by a 30 mile per hour wind.
(if you're looking for the metric conversion again, please go to the nearest Google page and type in 'I'm a fucking loser for using the metric system')
My daughter had a 'princess' kite, and my son had a 'Winnie the Pooh' kite.
My wife was further down the beach trying to get Cam's 'Winnie the Pooh' kite airborne.
She was doing this while simultaneously yelling at me for tangling up the kite in the kite string when I threw it in the trunk.
Wife: "What the...?! JESUS CHRIST! What the Hell did you do to this kite?!"
We're a happy people.
Meanwhile, I managed to get my daughter's kite approximately 6 miles into the air.
I did this while suffering a devastating gash from the unraveling fucking kite line as the wind took that thing and shot it into the sky faster than a golf ball covered in jelly stuffed in the anus of someone with bad gas.
Don't ask me how I know that.
Regardless...that kite zoomed off FAST.
You know that scene in 'Jaws' (best fucking movie ever) when Quint is manning the fishing pole...
...and something obviously is nibbling it so Quint all straps himself in and shit...
...then Brody finally ties that stupid rabbit hole knot thing and yells 'Hey! I got it!' and then fucking ay WOOOOSH out goes the fishing line at 700 miles per hour?
It was like that.
Except instead of a 25 foot long man-eating Great White fucking shark on the end of the line...
...it was Cinderella.
***** SIDEBAR *****
If you were a cartoon guy and each of the Disney princesses was at a Royal Ball...
...which one would you slip a roofie to and bang while she was unconscious?
***** END SIDEBAR ******
Just for the record, mine's a tossup between Pocahontas and Belle.
I'm bringing extra roofies.
From 'Jaws' to screwing cartoon broads...I've pretty much run the gamut today.
But wait! There's more!
So, as I'm trying to reattach the four fingers I've lost because of this stupid fucking kite string...
(STOP THAT CRAB!!)
...I look up to see my wife and son walking up the beach towards us.
My wife is holding the kite string spool.
My son is hysterically crying.
That's when my wife looked at me and said:
"Winnie the Pooh is lost at sea."
Winnie the Pooh is lost at sea.
I felt bad for my son.
Primarily because I started laughing at that point and he didn't really think it was very funny.
Luckily for him, it was at this exact moment that my daughter's princess kite decided to take a nosedive and smash into the ocean at 100 miles per hour.
Me: "BELLE! NOOOOOOOoooooo!!"
I asked my daughter to go pick it up as it washed onshore, because I was in no shape to do it.
...with my severed fingers and all.
Anyone seen that crab?
He has my thumb.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Before I start today: