Winnie the Pooh is Sleeping with Da Fishes | Mental Poo

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Winnie the Pooh is Sleeping with Da Fishes

Before I start today:

I've got a TMI post running over on "Live it, Love it" today.

Yeah - it's an oldie. But it's a goodie.

About poo.

Don't act surprised.

If you haven't been to "Live it, Love it," yet - go and bookmark her. She's a funny shit.

Great. More poo references.

ONWARD!

*********************

The wonderful thing about Tiggers...

...is that at least they'd be able to bounce their ass out of the ocean.

On a related note:

I wanna be a Tigger.

My tailbone just makes a snapping noise when I bounce on it.

Stupid paralysis.

The week before Easter, the wife and I took the kids to the beach with their kites.

It was a 60 degrees (Farenheit...equal to -pi Celsius) Sunday.

This qualifies as 'beach weather' here in New England.

This balmy weather was accompanied by a 30 mile per hour wind.

(if you're looking for the metric conversion again, please go to the nearest Google page and type in 'I'm a fucking loser for using the metric system')


My daughter had a 'princess' kite, and my son had a 'Winnie the Pooh' kite.

My wife was further down the beach trying to get Cam's 'Winnie the Pooh' kite airborne.

She was doing this while simultaneously yelling at me for tangling up the kite in the kite string when I threw it in the trunk.

Wife: "What the...?! JESUS CHRIST! What the Hell did you do to this kite?!"

We're a happy people.


Meanwhile, I managed to get my daughter's kite approximately 6 miles into the air.

I did this while suffering a devastating gash from the unraveling fucking kite line as the wind took that thing and shot it into the sky faster than a golf ball covered in jelly stuffed in the anus of someone with bad gas.

Don't ask me how I know that.

Regardless...that kite zoomed off FAST.

You know that scene in 'Jaws' (best fucking movie ever) when Quint is manning the fishing pole...

...and something obviously is nibbling it so Quint all straps himself in and shit...

...then Brody finally ties that stupid rabbit hole knot thing and yells 'Hey! I got it!' and then fucking ay WOOOOSH out goes the fishing line at 700 miles per hour?

It was like that.

Except instead of a 25 foot long man-eating Great White fucking shark on the end of the line...

...it was Cinderella.


***** SIDEBAR *****

If you were a cartoon guy and each of the Disney princesses was at a Royal Ball...

...which one would you slip a roofie to and bang while she was unconscious?

Discuss.

***** END SIDEBAR ******

Just for the record, mine's a tossup between Pocahontas and Belle.

I'm bringing extra roofies.


Wow.

From 'Jaws' to screwing cartoon broads...I've pretty much run the gamut today.

But wait! There's more!

So, as I'm trying to reattach the four fingers I've lost because of this stupid fucking kite string...

(STOP THAT CRAB!!)


...I look up to see my wife and son walking up the beach towards us.

My wife is holding the kite string spool.

My son is hysterically crying.

That's when my wife looked at me and said:

"Winnie the Pooh is lost at sea."

Winnie the Pooh is lost at sea.


I felt bad for my son.

Primarily because I started laughing at that point and he didn't really think it was very funny.

Luckily for him, it was at this exact moment that my daughter's princess kite decided to take a nosedive and smash into the ocean at 100 miles per hour.

Me: "BELLE! NOOOOOOOoooooo!!"

Stupid kites.

I asked my daughter to go pick it up as it washed onshore, because I was in no shape to do it.

You know...

...with my severed fingers and all.

Anyone seen that crab?

He has my thumb.

29 comments:

Poetry Sue said...

you have a new designation...

Thou art now the Master of the Poo-niverse

LBluca77 said...

Yes please distract all the female disney characters while I dig my laws in the male disney characters. I'm sure they will be beyond thrilled to meet a girl that actually puts out.

PorkStar said...

lol nice post. Love the blog!!!

Mike said...

What you should have done is tied the kites together and gone para sailing.

Dummy.

Way to show your kids a good time.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Belle.

Did I answer that too fast?

Fine.

Belle. And I'd slip her enough that she wouldn't wake up when I roll her over and "knock a few more petals off the rosebud", if you know what I'm saying.

Have I said too much?

rs27 said...

I appreciate you posting old material on someone else's blog. I'm goign to start doing that.

Your son had a winnie the pooh kite?

You've failed him.

moooooog35 said...

Sue: That's NEW?

Lbluca: Oh NO YOU DIN'T! Nobody disses my Belle!

Porkstar: Best. Name. Ever.

You should hold your head proudly.

No..no...the other one.

Mike: I'm all about my child's disappointment.

Mjenks: I'll fight you for her. Got my yellow belt last night.

Five feet of fury, baby. Five feet of fury.

rs27: Jealousy will get you knowhere except a one way ticket to Neverland Ranch.

You don't want that. Trust me.

I got her expressed written consent because there's no f'ing way I'd be able to write anything in a few days' time.

What with me watching 24 and all.

Bon Don said...

I can't stop laughing at the pictures! You're too much!

Blonde Goddess said...

I always thought that Sleeping Beauty was the hottie.

Belle looks like a freaking twelve year old...

Narm said...

Your taste is cartoon women is horrible. Obvious choices are Jasmine and Arielle. Grow up.

Second - Jaws is the greatest movie ever. Before every money shot I give the "Smile you son of a bitch"

TMI? Well it IS Thursday.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I'd actually go for Minnie Mouse myself...if I did that sort of thing, which I don't.

DouglasDyer said...

Sucks to be your fingers. Jabbing them with your penis since adolescence, breaking them so bad they need pins, and now severing them with a Disney kite. The indignity.

repliderium.com said...

If I said from a chick perspective that I'd do the Beauty & the beast guy would that put me on any sort of weird FBI or Mormon bestiality watch list?
(You seem like the kinda guy that would know the answer to this...)

moooooog35 said...

Bon Don: Too much, or too little?

Discuss.

BG: Sleeping fucking Beauty?

Jesus Christ.

How old ARE you?

Narm: That Jaws comment has to be one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.

Today, you get some type of bubble gum card as reward.

(you will have to buy this yourself)

My favorite line that I use ALL the time (my wife hates me):

"I can do anything...I'm the chief of police."

If you're ever in New Hampshire, look me up.

We'll watch it and do all the lines.

I'm not gay.

Mary: Nice job. This just got really creepy.

Doug: No friggin' shit. Story of my life...me with a broken hand, severed fingers, and all this free Cinemax porn.

repliblahblahblah.com: Which guy? The beast guy...the Garcon guy...or the guy AFTER he turns into the goofy gay guy from Beast?

Doesn't matter. You're a freak any way you slice it.

repliderium.com said...

The hairy beast guy- I don't know his freaking name!

Malach the Merciless said...

Disney whores? Jessica Rabbit, she's a Disney Whore right?

Argentum Vulgaris said...

That was so cool, but the post you did on Live it and Love it, that was without doubt the best I have read.

I am now going to remove my coffee stained shorts and apply ice to the burnt bits. Thank you very much moooog, again!

AV

theblacktulip said...

poor winnie. At least Belle is okay.

good luck finding the crab. last I heard he was selling your thumb on ebay.

Malicious Intent said...

I kinda feel sorry for your kids. Dollar store kites? Cheap ass bastard.

And Winnie the Poo? Why didn't you get your son the Playboy kite.

moooooog35 said...

Repli...whatever: I believe his name is "Beast."

Um.

Duh.

Malach: HOW DARE YOU DESECRATE MY JESSICA!!

AV: You're welcome. Had to go back almost 2 years for that one.

Good luck with the skin grafts.

BlackTulip: Could be worse, I guess. He could be hawking it on Craigslist for sexual favors.

That gives me an idea.

MI: They don't sell Playboy kites at the dollar store.

You don't pay attention very well, eh?

Shannon said...

Someone needs to give your wife credit. She's hilarious. Sounds like something I would say.

Kirsten said...

'I'm a fucking loser for using the metric system'

LOL I'm still laughing!

btw, you made honorable mention on my blog today. Partay!

Kristi said...

Pocahontas. Definitely.

What with all those tanned hides (both varieties) and knot tying (teepees and such), are you kidding me?

That bitch is HOT!

And, good on ya for buying the kites at the Dollar Store. You're either psychic or just freakin' smart. Kites? Kids? Wind? Atlantic?

Yea....kiss the kites buh-bye.

moooooog35 said...

Shannon: My wife is a friggin' riot.

I think it comes from years and years of repressing her frustration with me.

Kirsten: Honorable mention = loser.

Thanks for rubbing that shit right the fuck in.

Kristi: Are you me?

Trukindog said...

Oh Pocahontas dude there's no question ! I mean come on can you imagine how buffed & smooth her bod must be from wearin that buckskin dress "AND NOTHIN ELSE" every day !

What the hell was this post about? Oh yeah Neosporin bud, be sure to use Neosporin on those fingers when they reattach em so they don't get infected.

coffeypot said...

The indian on the left, I would love to poke her honus.

meleah rebeccah said...

My favorite in this blog post is the photo of you and the wife 'discussing garlic' that CRACKED me up!

Im sorry your son lost his Poo-Kite.

Meghan said...

Ariel, hands down. Strutting around in just a clamshell bra, that bitch is asking for it.

Katie said...

The best part about this post is right before you starting talking about Jaws, I was going to tell you to drop that line or you'll lose your hand. I've seen fingers torn right out of the knuckles with those damn princess kites.

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