The Stinky Trombone is in Ohio | Mental Poo

Monday, May 11, 2009

The Stinky Trombone is in Ohio


**** WARNING ****

Long post today. You may want to take it in segments.

That's what she said.

What?

*****************

Sometimes I write titles to posts and later and go:

What the fuck?

Yep.

This will be one of those times.

I was sitting in a training class a few weeks ago with my laptop.

Taking a training course for me entails:

1) sitting in the far back of the room

2) completely ignoring the instructor while I browse porn and write ridiculous articles for this blog (like I need to be in fucking training for that)

3) every once in a while randomly shouting out shit like, "I don't get it" or "can you explain that in layman's terms?" or "seriously...what the fuck?!" so it looks like I'm paying attention.

Back off, people.

I'm a professional.


So, I'm sitting there when all of a sudden my Instant Messenger window pops up.

It's Janet.

Suffice it to say, Janet is one of the single most naive people in regards to sexual terms that I've ever met.

I am routinely called upon to give her definitions (she always shoots me down when I offer to show her instead - prude bitch) for all kinds of sex-type things.

Things like:

1) Rim Job

2) The Blumpkin

3) Testicles


She has two kids.

I have no idea how they pulled it off.

I'm guessing her husband, Bill, used Percocets.

I would.

Bill: "No..no...I'm going to put it....ugh...LAY DOWN....now...open your legs and....I SAID LAY DOWN...now let's get off these underwear...YES...we have to take off your underwear. What? WHY?!?...You know what? You know what?Just take these fucking pills and I'll be back up here in about an hour."


So...it was no surprise to me when the IM window pops open and simply says this:

****************

Janet: what's a Cleveland Steamer and a Rusty Trombone?

****************

* blink

Awesome.

Thanks, Janet.

Training just got interesting.

So...being the chivalrous man that I am...

I promptly gave her the definition for a Cleveland Steamer.

Knowledge is power.

And sometimes, this power just grosses you right the fuck out.


But...

Rusty Trombone?

That one escaped me.

Escaped ME.

I know.

Scary shit.

I believe I see the four horsemen of the Apocalypse coming.



******************

midgetmanofsteel: you're going to have to ask John about the rusty trombone. he's the master.

******************

John.

If you need a way to describe yourself taking a shit...

John: "I'm off to RELEASE THE KRAKEN!"

or...

John: "Okay...back in a bit...I'm going to drop the Cosby kids off at the pool."


Or if you need to know some obscure sexual definition...

(IM from John the other day):

****************

John: Hey. The screaming seagull. Look it up.

****************

Then John is your man.

Still single, ladies.

Still. Single.

* cricket

By the way, I looked up "screaming seagull."

You ladies might not want to.


So, of course, I asked John if he told Janet what a Rusty Trombone was.

****************
John: have you explained it to Janet yet?

midgetmanofsteel: no thought you would have

John: no I didn't

midgetmanofsteel: she asks me the other day how a woman we used to work with (who works here now) was doing.

so i said: "turns out she loves facials"

John: lol

midgetmanofsteel: she writes back:

"huh?"

how do you NOT know this shit...or are we just sicker than most people?


John:
neither - I think its just because we are guys

midgetmanofsteel:
probably

****************


With that said, I decide to let Janet know what a Rusty Trombone is in another IM window.

Somewhere, in the background, the teacher is still babbling on about some shit.

Me: "I DON'T GET IT! What the fuck?!"

There.

That should buy me some time.

****************

midgetmanofsteel: Hey...find out what a Rusty trombone is?

Janet: no

midgetmanofsteel: Rusty trombone is a euphemism for a sexual act in which a man stands with his knees and back slightly bent, with feet at least shoulder width apart in order to expose the anus.[1] The other partner typically kneels behind the man and performs anilingus while reaching up beneath the testicles or around the body to masturbate the man, mimicking the motions of a trombone player

Janet: OMG, that is GROSS

midgetmanofsteel: gonna play Bill's trombone tonight?

Janet: OMG

Janet: go away

midgetmanofsteel: you could play a little tune by blowing in his butt

midgetmanofsteel: a little Dizzy Gillespie, maybe

Janet: GO AWAY

midgetmanofsteel: "oh when those saints...come marching in..oh when mffmfffmmffffff..."

Janet:
PIG

***********************


Pig.

Like this is news.

But she asked for it. And when people ask me things...I'm happy to oblige.

Unless it's my teacher asking me to answer the question.

Seriously - I don't even know what this course is about.

24 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

I always knew G.I. Joe was gay. Thanks for the confirmation and image that I will not be able to get out of my head for months to come.

Sass said...

Dizzy.

Gillespie.

I think I just peed my pants.

lbluca77 said...

I was planning on going to the beach this weekend then I looked up screaming seagull. Oh. My. God. sandpaper dick. No thanks.

Stacie's Madness said...

always informational around here.
um, thanks.

Becky..AMHW said...

I was in marching band. I did bad things with the tuba player.

I've said enough.

repliderium.com said...

Perhaps you should consider some sort of instructional manual?

Kellie said...

A rusty trombone was a new one for me. You teach me something new every day. Thank you Moog.

moooooog35 said...

Christina: That makes you gay?!

Shit.

I should probably see if it's too late to change my vote on that amendment.

Sass: You will find no urinary cleanup services here.

For free.

Thought I'd clarify that.

lbluca: You know...I don't remember the seagulls sounding like that in "Nemo."

Stacie: The more you know...

Becky: You're right.

The rest is written in mens' rooms across America, anyway.

Replideloodooododoo: I thought this blog WAS an instruction manual.

Wtf.

Kellie: Always happy to assist. *

* $9.99 for the first minute, $1 each additional minute after.

LiLu said...

I had to urban dictionary "The Blumpkin."I hate you.

I bet Murray's into it, though.

Jen said...

I can't stop laughing Moog, and just answered the phone in my office. Good thing it was a wrong number....love how appalled Janet was after you explained the rusty trombone!

Blonde Goddess said...

I almost feel sorry for Janet....I said almost.
That woman needs an education and some climaxx lubricant.

meleah rebeccah said...

I feel better knowing that Janet, much like me, knows little to nothing about these terms!

But they are HILARIOUS.

coffeypot said...

Does she even know how to play a skinflute?

Mike said...

GI Joe rusty trombone made me laugh until I farted.

My coworkers hate me now.

Thanks.

Malach the Merciless said...

How you haven't been fired yet, I will never know.

ettarose said...

I swear you crack me up. Where the hell do you get this shit from? I wish I had been born a guy so I could play too. There is just something in people's eye when I tell shit like this. It may be a tear.

Coolred38 said...

Is there a Dr Ruth in your family tree...seriously...how can one man know so much about such matters?

Good thing the instructor didnt ask you a question and in your "not paying attention" way you shout out....Rusty Trombone!!!

That would have been awkward

moooooog35 said...

Lilu: Yeah. Okay.

Like you had to look it up.

Jen: Janet read today's post and simply IM'd me:

"You're mean."

I think that's pretty accurate.

BG: If you could send me a photo of what you're thinking of re-enacted by GI Joe figures, I'd appreciate it.

Meleah: You don't know these terms?

Dammit. Now I'm going to have to change what I wrote on the men's room wall.

coffee: She'd probably actually try blowing INTO it.

Mike: Newsflash: they hated you before that.

Malach: No shit...it really is quite a mystery.

etta: you don't have to be a guy to play. Lilu, please explain.

coolred: Ooooh...good point. However, I thrive on awkward. It would be my planet if I was alien:

Moooooog from the planet Awkard.

Wow. Totally making a band with that name now.

Jo Ke said...

An IM is a great educational tool.

DouglasDyer said...

GODDAMMIT!!! I have tried to watch that video three times now and each time my co-workers come to see what's wrong with me. Deep breaths. I'm going back in.

Bon Don said...

Is it strange that the GI Joe picture is kind of a turn on to me? Just saying...

Phillipia said...

Do you work at Peyton PHlaCe? I need a new instant messenging buddy while Office Hero is on leave...

Daisy said...

LMAO! Now I think I found my teacher!

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

You'd think Janet would learn that ignorance is bliss in some cases and would stop asking....

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