The Stinky Trombone is in Ohio

**** WARNING ****

Long post today. You may want to take it in segments.

That's what she said.

What?

*****************

Sometimes I write titles to posts and later and go:

What the fuck?

Yep.

This will be one of those times.

I was sitting in a training class a few weeks ago with my laptop.

Taking a training course for me entails:

1) sitting in the far back of the room

2) completely ignoring the instructor while I browse porn and write ridiculous articles for this blog (like I need to be in fucking training for that)

3) every once in a while randomly shouting out shit like, "I don't get it" or "can you explain that in layman's terms?" or "seriously...what the fuck?!" so it looks like I'm paying attention.

Back off, people.

I'm a professional.


So, I'm sitting there when all of a sudden my Instant Messenger window pops up.

It's Janet.

Suffice it to say, Janet is one of the single most naive people in regards to sexual terms that I've ever met.

I am routinely called upon to give her definitions (she always shoots me down when I offer to show her instead - prude bitch) for all kinds of sex-type things.

Things like:

1) Rim Job

2) The Blumpkin

3) Testicles


She has two kids.

I have no idea how they pulled it off.

I'm guessing her husband, Bill, used Percocets.

I would.

Bill: "No..no...I'm going to put it....ugh...LAY DOWN....now...open your legs and....I SAID LAY DOWN...now let's get off these underwear...YES...we have to take off your underwear. What? WHY?!?...You know what? You know what?Just take these fucking pills and I'll be back up here in about an hour."


So...it was no surprise to me when the IM window pops open and simply says this:

****************

Janet: what's a Cleveland Steamer and a Rusty Trombone?

****************

* blink

Awesome.

Thanks, Janet.

Training just got interesting.

So...being the chivalrous man that I am...

I promptly gave her the definition for a Cleveland Steamer.

Knowledge is power.

And sometimes, this power just grosses you right the fuck out.


But...

Rusty Trombone?

That one escaped me.

Escaped ME.

I know.

Scary shit.

I believe I see the four horsemen of the Apocalypse coming.



******************

midgetmanofsteel: you're going to have to ask John about the rusty trombone. he's the master.

******************

John.

If you need a way to describe yourself taking a shit...

John: "I'm off to RELEASE THE KRAKEN!"

or...

John: "Okay...back in a bit...I'm going to drop the Cosby kids off at the pool."


Or if you need to know some obscure sexual definition...

(IM from John the other day):

****************

John: Hey. The screaming seagull. Look it up.

****************

Then John is your man.

Still single, ladies.

Still. Single.

* cricket

By the way, I looked up "screaming seagull."

You ladies might not want to.


So, of course, I asked John if he told Janet what a Rusty Trombone was.

****************
John: have you explained it to Janet yet?

midgetmanofsteel: no thought you would have

John: no I didn't

midgetmanofsteel: she asks me the other day how a woman we used to work with (who works here now) was doing.

so i said: "turns out she loves facials"

John: lol

midgetmanofsteel: she writes back:

"huh?"

how do you NOT know this shit...or are we just sicker than most people?

John: neither - I think its just because we are guys

midgetmanofsteel: probably

****************


With that said, I decide to let Janet know what a Rusty Trombone is in another IM window.

Somewhere, in the background, the teacher is still babbling on about some shit.

Me: "I DON'T GET IT! What the fuck?!"

There.

That should buy me some time.

****************

midgetmanofsteel: Hey...find out what a Rusty trombone is?

Janet: no

midgetmanofsteel: Rusty trombone is a euphemism for a sexual act in which a man stands with his knees and back slightly bent, with feet at least shoulder width apart in order to expose the anus.[1] The other partner typically kneels behind the man and performs anilingus while reaching up beneath the testicles or around the body to masturbate the man, mimicking the motions of a trombone player

Janet: OMG, that is GROSS

midgetmanofsteel: gonna play Bill's trombone tonight?

Janet: OMG

Janet: go away

midgetmanofsteel: you could play a little tune by blowing in his butt

midgetmanofsteel: a little Dizzy Gillespie, maybe

Janet: GO AWAY

midgetmanofsteel: "oh when those saints...come marching in..oh when mffmfffmmffffff..."

Janet: PIG

***********************


Pig.

Like this is news.

But she asked for it. And when people ask me things...I'm happy to oblige.

Unless it's my teacher asking me to answer the question.

Seriously - I don't even know what this course is about.