Will Post Articles for Pants | Mental Poo

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Will Post Articles for Pants


My original title to this was:

"Fucking Kids"

But I feared that some people would get here thinking it was a 'How-To' post instead of reading the title like: "Fucking kids...they drive me nuts."

So I changed it.

I'm guessing these people will still get here anyway.

Welcome, NAMBLA members!!

Freaks.

Where was I?

Oh...yeah...

My son's Tee-Ball game.

Obviously.

My son started fall Tee-ball a few weeks ago.

Watching a tee-ball game is akin to watching the hair on your toe knuckles grow except that there's not as much excitement.

Tee-ball slogan: "And you think you were bored BEFORE?!"


I was getting my son ready for the game when we realized that his baseball pants were a bit snug.

Me: "That too tight, buddy?"

Son: "Gaaaah...gaaahhh...whheeeeezzz"

Me: "Ok, good. Hey...you look funny when your face is purple."

(son passes out)


So, my son had to wear some pants that were a bit too tight around his middle.

Me: "It's okay..we'll go this weekend and get you a new pair, okay?"

Son: "Okay."

His acknowledgement of 'okay' meant, to me, that he understood.

He would have to go one game with these pants...

...then we would just run out and get him new ones.

On a related note:

Parents are stupid.


Here's how I know my assumption of his understanding was wrong.

You see...

We were in the dugout after the game.

The kids were there.

The parents were there.

The coaches were there.

I was there.

Packed house.

That's when one of the kids looks at my son and says:

Kid: "Cameron..your fly is down!"

The other kids start laughing..at which point both me and my son look down at his zipper.

His fly is NOT down.

It's just kind of, open a tiny bit at the top because we couldn't zipper it all the way because they were so tight.

So..here is how my son decides to respond:

Son: "My fly ISN'T down...it's just that these pants are too small!"

* pause

..and then..the gem...

Son: "...because my parents can't afford to buy me new pants!"

Um...

* cricket

I look up.

All the parents are looking at me.

Hi.


That's just awesome, Cam.

I don't recall saying we were hobos...but this should work out well in regards to my public standing.

Thanks so much for that.

Fucking kids.

33 comments:

LiLu said...

I was totally that kid growing up. My mother has a million horror stories about the stuff I proudly announced to family, friends and strangers.

...

Well, if she didn't want people knowing about her third nipple, she shouldn't have showed it to me.

The Peach Tart said...

Out of the mouth of babes. I wonder where your children get their sassiness from?

I didn't need to see that lady getting in the pants this early in the morning. Doesn't she know the trip of lying on your back to get the zipper up?

Christina_the_wench said...

At least he didn't say, "well we had the money for new pants until my dad spent it on hookers and crack. Now we have to stand in line for cheese."

Mike said...

You guys are so poor you're stick figures!

On a related note, you won't end up in my basement when the world ends.

Funnyrunner said...

omg my stomach hurts from laughing. You are so funny... but ya knew that. The husband and I go around saying "fucking kids" all the time. We've actually influenced our good friends to say it, too.

what a great story. Golly that was funny.

CatLadyLarew said...

Excellent! Humiliation all around. Now they're really going to notice next week when you don't get around to buying the new pants. (Be careful or they'll make you take a run around the bases in your kid's pants.)

Ed Adams said...

Kids are snitches.

Mango Girl said...

LMAO @ LiLu and Mike...

Stick figures...go figure your kid doesn't have pants that fit.

It is all about the Lizard Lego's you know, not the Hokey Pokey.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

HAHAHA!! Oh my goodness. Kids are priceless.

moooooog35 said...

Lilu: 3 nipples? And here we are again with no pics.

Sad.

Peach: Seriously? You WANT to see her lying down and trying that?

Christina: Exactly.

Bullet. Dodged.

Mike: On the bright side, I look slim.

Funny: Did you say golly?

Are you Barney Fife?

CatLady: I actually fit in my kids pants.

That came out wrong.

Ed: Bingo.

No...you don't win anything.

Mango: If Mary Kate and Ashley can find pants, why not us?

Tee: My kids aren't priceless. In fact, I've just reduced their sale price.

justjp said...

I imagine him saying this while on his cell phone googling rolex.

M.J. said...

Just wait til the boy's old enough to start a blog of his own....then you'll really be in trouble!

The Demigoddess said...

Your kid inherited your sense of humor. When he said you could't affor the pants for everyone to hear, he deserved a pat on the back while you tell everyone "Funny kid. A lot like his dad, eh?"

Nuff said. You crack me up! Now I'm in pieces.

Deborah said...

My son informed the shampoo lady at the hair salon that he loved her because she made the water temp just right when she shampooed his hair, and then announced to her that every time I give him a bath, I scald him because I never can get the temperature right.

(insert inner mortified scream here)

Piss warm water is too hot for that child.

Gotta love him. I just gotta.

moooooog35 said...

JP: ..right before his chauffeur drives him away...

MJ: Shit like that possibility is why I try to hold him back as much as possible.

demi: You're in pieces? What do we use for glue on a demigoddess to put you back together?

Demi glaze?

No. wiat.

That's for something else.

Deborah: And then you showed him exactly what being scalded was like, right?

I need to take a parenting course.

Becky..AMHW said...

Could be worse. Could be he announced that you couldn't afford to buy him underwear.

Hope said...

Shoulda told him that you can't afford to buy food anymore. Kill two birds with one stone! His pants would fit again in no time. ;)

A said...

F'n awesome...too funny!

Olly said...

Yup, leave it to the kids for those moments that make you wish the world would open up and swallow you. And thanks, by the way, for that lovely picture - my diet starts TODAY!

Jen said...

I tell my kids that all the time, it doesn't stop them from begging but it's true these days. Luckily for me my son lost a lot of weight and now he can wear his pants from 8th grade again.

moooooog35 said...

Becky: What...corduroy pants work fine as underwear.

Hope: NOW you tell me this? I have an opening for a personal assistant. That would have come in handy a week ago.

A: Thank you..my kids take great pride in embarrassing me for the sake of a blog post.

Olly: Wait...that's YOU?!

Jen: ..and your son is 33 years old.

Creepy.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Too bad he's not fifteen or something then he might have said, "My pants are too small because I have an enormous COCK like my dad!" I mean he'd have looked really cool even if he WAS lying! :)

Swirl Girl said...

kids- you can't live with them, you can't eat them.

LBluca77 said...

That is exactly why if I ever have kids I'm not teaching them how to talk.

Kellie said...

Fucking kids. Damn it. I came here looking for some how-to tips and all I get is this shit.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

it's about time that someone blogged about the brain melting horror that is a child's t-ball game.

Steph said...

And that is why children shouldn't be let out of the house until they grow out of their idiot stage

ettarose said...

moooooog, great story as usual. I swear your children will be the death of you. My youngest grand and my daughter were shopping when the little was was about three. My daughter had to go to the bathroom, so me and the little one waited out in the store. Of course this was Wal-Mart, so you know how crowded it was. My baby looked at my daughter and in the clearest voice ever said, " Did you poo poo like a big girl mama?" I still laugh over that!

Zen Mama said...

Mental Poo - where have you been all my life? I love this blog!

Riff Dog said...

Is that helmet big enough for the batter?

moooooog35 said...

Veggie: Did I leave my webcam on again?

Swirl: Jeffrey Dahmer begs to differ.

Lbluca: Yes...a kid hand signing this shit is the real way to go.

Kellie: Stay tuned...you never know what you're gonna get.

Forrest Gump's mom taught me that.

Speaking: Brain melting would be an improvement to tee-ball.

Steph: I'm really not intending to keep my children around into their 30's, thankyouverymuch.

Or, in my case, early 40's.

Eta: GIRLS POO?!?

Zen: I've been right here...waiting for you.

* wink

I'll leave the money by the dresser.

Riff: That's what she said.

What?

JenJen said...

My kid just announced to the neighbor boy:
"Sorry I didn't invite you to my birthday party last week. My mom said I could only invite my friends"
Kids are assholes sometimes.

Gauche said...

*huggles Moog* its okay. kids have that weird ability to make mental leaps that Evel Knievel couldn't make. no worries.

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