My Son is an Angry Black Man | Mental Poo

Monday, February 22, 2010

My Son is an Angry Black Man

Alternate title for this post:

"The Face of Catholicism - now in Technicolor!"

My kids both go to CCD on Monday after school.

For those of you who don't know, CCD is basically "Catholic Classes" where you're supposed to learn about Jesus...

(not the Puerto Rican guy working at Jiffy Lube trying to talk you into a new air filter...a different 'Jesus')

...and the Bible and how Satan has come in the form of Rachael Ray to sway us into the dark side by performing such evil miracles as creating healthy, delicious meals in 30 minutes or less and making us say shit like "Delish" and "Yum-O."

Some of that might be wrong.

I didn't pay much attention when I went to CCD.

I was more interested in how to piss off the priests and shit by wearing Black Sabbath concert shirts with pictures of goat heads in a pentagram or - in some extreme cases - my 'Twisted Sister' shirt with the back a GIANT picture of Dee Snider in full makeup.

We're not gonna take it?

You're damn straight.

So, my son came home from CCD (which apparently stands for "Catholic Christian Doctrine" and not "Clergy Craving Donations" - who knew?) with an assignment he did in class.

Here are the instructions:

At the bottom of this page is a picture of four kids holding a banner.

One of the kids doesn't have a face.

The spot where his face should be is as blank as the shelf where Skeet Ulrich keeps all his acting awards.

* tumbleweed rolls by

So, according to the directions, my son has to draw HIS face in that spot.

Here's what my son draws:


That's, um...


Me: "Why did you draw yourself as a black guy?"

Cam (laughing): "I don't know."


Way to go there, son.

It's like looking at his twin.

You know, if he was a pissed off black guy with green eyes and a high fade and - for some reason - chicken feet growing out of his head.

Totally appropriate for Catholic classes.

I'm going out and getting him a Black Sabbath t-shirt.

If you're going to freak out the priests and nuns and shit, might as well do it right.

But he's off to a good start all on his own.

That's my boy.


Wicked Shawn said...

That's awesome! Reminds me of Will Smith, back in The Fresh Prince days. BTW, is that toast with some nuclear smoke type shit surrounding it???? Fan-fucking-tastic.

MrsBlogAlot said...

I think your steering him in the right direction...with the Black Sabbath t-shirt that is!

Maxie said...

I can't believe they'd even take your kids. Have they met you?

Have they not seen your wii video?

Or this blog at all?

I'm guessing not.

BigSis said...

Yup - you are definitely going to hell. Maybe the church will see it as a challenge to try and save your children.

The Shitty Astrologer said...

Wanna piss off Catholics? I'd go with Slayer inspired attire myself but he's your kid so you decide the threshold.

Ducky said...

God has a sense of humor....he let you procreate!


Sarah said...

That's not Waldo. That's Harry Potter, and the ditto was a test. Your son did not draw himself pouring Holy water on Harry, so he fails CCD.

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

Hysterical!! I LIKE your son!!!

Donnie said...

Those aren't chicken feet growing out of his head. Those are collapsing antenna. They are used to warn of the second coming or space ships that will come to destroy earth.

Brutalism said...

Great. I now know that Skeet Ulrich is from Virginia, which is more than I ever wanted to know about him.

A fellow Virginian. I'm so proud. Almost as proud as if I had a black son.

Jessica said...

Wow - all of my horrible CCD memories came flooding back. Thanks, Mooooog. I have to call my therapist now.

Ells (aka Serialmono) said...

Yeah, get the kid a sabbath shirt and a nice fade, and you're on your way.

Mike said...

Reminds me of this kid in my sisters blind school. White as a baby's ass but had everybody convinced he was black.

Works a lot better when you're surrounded by blind people.

Moooooog35 said...

Wicked: Thanks for pointing out the toast thing. No idea. None.

Mrsblogalot: Tis how I roll.

Maxie: If they had, I'm guessing I'd have to Google the word 'excommunication.'

BigSis: SO not worth saving. They're doomed.

Shitty: But, then again, an upside-down pentagram is an upside-down pentagram, no?

Daffy: LET ME? Yeah. Okay.

Sarah: Well..he wouldn't be the first guy in the family to fail CCD.

I still have the boot they kicked me out with.

Anything: He's free to a good home.

Don: I thought he looked a little green today.

Brutalism: You mean Skeet Ulrich wasn't immaculately conceived?


Jessica: Like you don't remember where the ass welts come from.

Ells: I like letting him go in his Harley shirts...with flaming skulls and shit.



Ann Imig said...

I find it hilarious that Dee Sneider (aka Tina Yothers) was the face of teen rebellion.

Funny funny post, man.

Tracie said...

Was their enrollment in CCD court ordered?

MJenks said...

Are there any activities where you have to go with the kids?

If so, I hope you fully get to enjoy the scope and depth of the videos they show the kids. And, I hope that you guys get the same videos we had. One is "Girl Rides Skateboard Under Firetruck" and the other is "Grandma's Dead, Let's Throw All Her Shit Out"

Unknown said...

Ah, The Confraternity of Christian Doctrine (CCD). I remember that Catechism like it was yesterday:

Who made you?

God made me.

Who is God?

God is the Supreme Being, Creator of all things.

Ah, the memories!
Sister Mary Catherine and her ruler for smacking those who didn't pay attention!

Lizzy said...

btw we took stuff....

Elly Lou said...

Wicked: That's not toast! That's Skeet Ulrich's never attained acting award! Don't tell but I lurved Jericho. Oh the shame...

Pretty Zesty said...

hahaha the Rachel Ray pic is great! She's crazy!

lbluca77 said...

I had to go to CCD too. I think the only reason my parents sent me was because its free babysitting for them.

Moooooog35 said...

JD: Thanks for the son compliment. We paid a lot for him.

Ann: Gotta love the 80's.

That includes women in their 80's. SO easy.

Tracie: Not yet.

Mjenks: WTF religion is that? I WANT IN!

Eva: But where does 'the Force' come into play here?


Ellie: Nice call. I'm tired of all the Skeet talk now.

Kris: If I could shiv her with a carrot shank I totally would.

lbluca: But they don't pick up or drop back off so you have to leave the house anyway. Doesn't make sense.

SoccerMom said...

That's nice. Maybe your son was just drawing himself with a tan, that you get after going on a nice vacation in some warm sunny city?

Travis said...

this is the kind of shit that happens when you tell your kids they "can be anything they want to be."

Just start crushing their dreams of huge penises and such, although if he can play his like a guitar, he might be okay.

Christina Harper said...

Ha. I guess it's like father like son. Lol. Boys will be weird like that, I guess. By the way, I do believe Rachel ray is Satan. If she's not, then she's definitely the anti-christ, or the reincarnated Mr. Pickles (that was that evil bunny rabbit my next door neighbors used to have until my dog killed it). Mr. Pickles was definitely Satan... said...

Your kid's awesome. I always wanted to be an angry black man.

Olly said...

I think your sense of humour is rubbing off on your son. Can you get kicked out of Catholic School? I most likely would have...

SurferWife said...

I'm pretty sure he thinks he is Kid from Kid N Play.

Narm said...

Why is the chicken foot holding a sandwich?

Chris said...

"The family that burns in hell together . . . "

Unknown said...

I know I am not supposed to say LOL as it is cliche' byt dang that did make me laugh! I worry on a daily basis that my 2 1/2 yr old is going to tell his pre-school teacher that Mommy calls daddy a DICK! I am going to hell.

Moooooog35 said...

Soccer: What is this thing you call, 'vacation?'

Travis: I don't think when I told him that that he assumed one of the things he COULD be was African American.

Christina: Thank you for explaining Mr. Pickles.

Just kidding. That was pretty weird.

Hiphop: You sing hip hop. You're halfway there!

Olly: Yes, you can get kicked out.

Don't ask me how I know that.

Monique: HOLY 80's reference Batman!

Narm: Um, hello? Hungry? Duh.

Chris: I know. Maybe we'll get a package deal.

Mama: Oh, lady. "Dick" is the LEAST of my worries.

That didn't come out right.

meleah rebeccah said...

That is so funny. He's self portrait reminds me of 'Kid' from Kid & Play!

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

I grew up in Utah. I didn't even see a priest or a black person until I was 18, I swear.

I stared at the priest longer.

Jen said...

We call it "PSR" now...
Parish School of Religion. It was CCD in my day.

Hilarious self-portrait, Cam!!

Kellie said...

I was going to ask why he has little claws growing out of his head but then I figured he's probably just very um... creative... I think he gets it from you.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

That "best" is so convincing, *I* even believed it. A+++++++++++++!!

Kids these days. So cunning.

Vodka Logic said...

Rachel Ray is the devil and very annoying. I'll feed my kids poptarts before I watch her.

Not being Catholic I didn't do CCD but I don't know any Catholic friend that liked it..

Good luck with that son :) said...

Yep... definitely your kid... no mistaking that.

Malach the Merciless said...

One can dream

Momma Fargo said... your blog!

Ed said...

Maybe he sees himself that way. Kind of a body dismorphic thing, but instead of thinking himself fat, he sees himself as an angry black man.

He could probably collect disability for that shit.

UberGrumpy said...

Those aren't eyes, they're horns! Cool

Moooooog35 said...

Meleah: Apparently, that's the consensus. I'm so proud.

Becky: Imagine your conundrum had it been a black priest.

Jen: PSR? What kind of bullshit is that?

Kellie: Yes. Creative. Let's call it that.

Steam Me UP: I teach them to be modest.

I'm awesome like that.

Vodka: What the Hell is wrong with Pop Tarts?!

CatLady: DNA test is still pending.

Malach: Who am I to suppress his inner MLK?

Momma: Thank you! I love it, too!

Ed: Dismorphic? Why must you people make me use Google?

Uber: oooooh. Even cooler!!!

Matt said...

did you know that if you play a black sabbath record backwards, you can hear Rachel Ray preparing a 30 minute meal?

Ziva said...

Your son is absolutely hilarious. When I have a baby I want it to be an angry black man. Where did you find him?

Simply "T" said...

Wow. I just linked through to this after reading your comment on LiLu's blog. I was intrigued by the title "My Son is an Angry Black Man," and I was NOT disappointed!

I use the term "LOL" frequently, but rarely do I mean it - meaning, rarely do I actually laugh OUT LOUD. Good thing I stayed home from work today, because my dog came to find out what was wrong with me since I sat here on the couch laughing... or rather "squeaking," since I seem to have lost the majority of my voice... out loud.

I went to Catholic school, and I'll be damned if those CCD kids didn't mess up my desk every week. But prior to my years in Catholic school, I was a product of the Chicago Public School system and attended CCD myself. For first Communion we had to write and draw in these religion booklets for a few months leading up to the sacrament. A while ago, I located my brother's booklet in an old box, and it was friggen hilarious.

One page asks you to draw out what the day of your first Communion will look like. My brother drew a Uhaul truck next to a Toys R Us. Even better, on another page it asks the child to draw a special family member. My brother chose to draw our Grandmother. He drew a Mr. Hanky-esque body with curly hair with something in each hand: a beer and a cigarette. HAHAHA. Oh Grandma, she would have been proud.

Anyway, nice blog, definitely added something to my "sick day."

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

i was always jealous of the ccd kids at school. not so much anymore.

and true story . . . my very white daughter sometimes randomly sings 'i'm a black man' over and over and over again. loudly. maybe we should introduce our kids.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

What do you say when you go to confessions?!

Jen said...

Um, his picture reminds me of a black Linda Blair/Regan/scary Exorcist kid. Those green mean eyes are something. And what are the chicken feet coming out of his head for? Is that some Voodoo shit?

BlakPac said...

Your kid and you needs to read The Angry Black Man´s Advice Guide to find the the rel meaning of an ABM

Ceri said...

I have to admit I found the whole thing hilarious. Came looking to find out what CCD was (friend went apparently), I'm glad we didn't have it here or I would have been put in myself after noting the discrepancies in the bible such as what happened to the jealous vindictive God that blasted Jericho?
Seriously though I hope my son grows up to be a good man and that's all I want from him screw what faith he follows, or how he practices it provided he treats others as he'd have them treat him what more can I ask?

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